Friday Friday Friday - I love Friday

Friday's always start out so optimistically. It's always filled with opportunities and possibilities. Even though I don't really have stories of any great conquests I'm always believing that maybe this will be the week.

I really do feel like I've got all my ducks in a row for a change. I'm paid today. The rent is due and I'm secure enough to write a check and not worry. No bounced checks this time. So I have about $600 to play with.

Tonight I am going to a bar crawl. I've heard for them but never gone to one. It's in Sea Cliff which only has five bars so it won't be anything crazy. We are expecting snow but only an ince so it may make it even better. I must remember to bring the camera and post some new pictures.

The bar is not part of the crawl so I may not ever get there. That means I probably not see Coleen. And tomorrow is her birthday and she likely will be spending that with the love of her life so not seeing her this weekend seems likely. I'm getting used to that. Once again I feel like the kid outside the candy store pressing his nose against the glass looking in. So my Saturday night might be quiet at home.

Maybe I need to focus on Janet again. It just seems like just banging my head against a brick wall with her. But if she hints at the possibility of saomething on Saturday I'll try and make something happen.

My yahoo messenger has been screwed up for a while. It seems to start some kind of windows internet explorer bug as it suddenly opens window after window until I have to shut down and restart. So I've stopped using AIM at work which cuts me off from Lisa during the day. I'm sure she thinks I'm doing this on porpose because she wouldn't respond to me last night. She sent about 6 messages yesterday even though I was offline. But it's the weekend now so she has Carmine keeping her company. I never hear from her until Monday anyway. I feel like our lives are now moving in completely different directions. Sometimes I get sad about this but mostly I'm too busy to even notice anymore.

Middle of the week blues

Trying to come up with a plan to visit my parents in Florida. I called mom yesterday to see if they had lights and the power failure yesterday did not hit the part of Florida they were in. So we spoke on the phone for a bit about when a good time for me to visit might be. I told mom i was considering Saturday March 29th. She said why don't I come down sooner and go a wedding. Her former neighbor Michelle's daughter Jennifer is getting married. This stirred up memories from 10 years ago.

I was visiting when Michelle asked if I might look at their computer and see if I could fix it so Jennifer could use it. Jennifer was still in high school and much too young for me even then. Still when I met her she seemed nice and did make me wish I was younger. Later Michelle told me I should date her daughter ... I was shocked that her mom would even suggest that me, a man who was 40 at the time. I told her I would never be interested in a teenager. It was strange. My mom told me I had made some kind of impression on her and she seemed to have a crush on me. She asked about me more than once. Kids. I'm no pediphile but I will say this did stroke my ego quite a bit. I felt a little star crossed. I've always wondered about that. Now she is getting married ... I shouldn't be thinking about going but for some reason I am considering it. Does that make me twisted? I don't even think so. I'm not even invited. What would I do? Dance with the bride? Stupid idea.

I guess I've always had this "girl next door" fantasy. Where is the threapy when I need it?

Haven't heard much from anyone else this week. Even Lisa is keeping to herself a lot this week. I really have no idea what's going on with her right now. She wants to move to a bigger place and wants Carmine to move in too. They spent last weekend looking a apartments but she says he is being reluctant. Lisa says she hasn't made up her mind about him yet. No comment from me... she needs to figure this out on her own. But I have a shred of hope that she doesn't move. That has to be my own selfish agenda. I know this. She says he shuts down and becomes withdrawn. I can see that. He can be very quiet.  

Saturday is Coleen's birthday. She will be 41. I told her she needs to have a party but she really wants to go away with Mark somewhere. So I doubt I'll be a part of any birthday plan she makes. She said she would text me but I've already made my mind up to low-key anything.I really need to not be thinking about her so much. It's a work in progress.

I've been thinking more and more that I need to be responsive to Janet. She has never shown me more than friendship but lately it seems like she wants me to take her out. The last few months she has been asking about what I am planning for my weekends and I have been either busy or unable to make anything happen. She clearly would like my company more. But not in a romantic way. She just had brace put on her teeth and probably thinks no one is attracted to her, but even with braces she is still really hot. Or at least I think she is. So the next time she tells me she has no plans I going to ask her out for dinner. No expectations though.  

Hello Monday

Woke up early this morning although I have no idea why. I'm working from home today, I spent the better part of yesterday hanging out with Judy, Jami, Janet and Roberta in the bar. Coleen was there with her boyfriend Mark. We all were there for brunch. I managed to spend my last $40. It was an okay time.

When Coleen came in she and Mark were all the way at the other end of the bar so we just said hello from a distance. But I went over and said hello after about 10 minutes. I could see that she really is attached to him. And yet... she would from time to time join our conversations and she seems to like to touch me. I don't get that except maybe she is just that kind of person. Connects with people on a physical lever that really only means she wants attention. That's how I'm looking at it today. One thing I can see. My only chance to get her alone was that weekend Mark was out od town. So I'll have to put my feelings away even though I can't seem to understand how. There is really no one else to look for right now. Except Jami, but I just can't seem to see her as anything more than a friend.

Sunday stuff - zero regret

I spent my Saturday night home alone. Spent zero dollars which is needed. I do have a $40 balance in my account ... first time I've had a positive balance before payday since the job changed from weekly pay to twice monthly. The fact that I now have a credit card I can use helps although I haven't used it except to get gas. Okay ... I bought new sunglasses too. But I am trying to be within budget by staying home more.

There really was no reason to go out anyway. As far as I knew everyone else had alternate plans. Roberta was going to a wedding, Janet had special dinner for her church, Lisa was off with Carmine, Coleen was with Mark. And if I went out and saw Jami I am afraid of what message that might give. So I made baked chicken breasts rice and mushroom sauce which came out not so good. I tried using some milk instead of cream and the rice tastes like rice pudding. Too much milk I guess. It's missing something. Good thing it was just me.

Earlier in the day Janet called me to see what I might be up to. Seemed like she wanted to meet me after her dinner. In a different time I would have jumped at the chance to meet up with her. But I'm not going to make ambiguous plans. I'm still trying to figure out why but it has to be better than how I always make myself available at the last minute.

Living life

We got snow yesterday. About 6 inches. It was enough to shovel but not enough to keep me from going out last night. My plans for making dinner for Lisa fell through because she decided not to venture out. Weak. She said we had better make it next week but guess what ... I have plans for next Friday. So another chance to see Lisa gets blown away. I barely even care anymore at this point. She is committed to her relationship and gives me what's left over.

As I headed out last night I got a text message from Coleen. She was just looking for conversation. She was at Mark's house and I guess he wasn't paying enough attention to her so we texted back and forth but she wasn't going out so I gave it up once I was in the bar. I saw Janet and Jami there. We just had a regular night. Nothing exciting. I was home before 11. As they say in the movie Fargo "end of story".

Same old same old

Being a celeb and in rehab doesn't mean you are an asshole but these guys sure are.

Highlight of my day was a text message for Coleen around dinner time. Nothing special. Just said to me that our mutual friend Christopher never called her back. He seems to be keeping a low profile since striking out with Janet. So if we go out for dinner - which seems less and less likely every day - he probably won't be there. So we sent messages back and forth for about a half hour. Just me responding to her. If I ask her something I would get short one or two word answers so I got bored pretty fast. Wothout know I just get the feeling she does this just to get the attention from Mark. So I'm much less able to engage too much. Although I did get a rise out of her because when she had me talking to Mark last week she expected just a hello and goodbye but we chatted for about 15 minutes. And how do I know this? She told Jami about it. Made me laugh.

Enough about that. Tomorrow night I won't be doing the same old thing. I am having Lisa over and I'll make her dinner. That's if it doesn't get snowed out. Stay tuned.

Dad's first chemo

Just finished the family comference call. I almost missed it. My Dad had his first treatment and he says he feels fine. That is the best news in quite some time. We talked about the chemicals being used. Oxyplatin, Lucoflrin, and Floroeurocil. I don't know anything about them.

I also got my new eye glasses. I'm wearing bifocals for the first time ever. I'm having a lot of trouble getting used to them. I don't know what I can do. I'll probably get some reading glasses for work. I can still use my old ones for a little while.

Not much new since yeaterday. No real plans for the weekend except I invited Lisa to come to my house for dinner. I invited her boyfriend too but she said she would prefer it be just us. Then in the next breath she told me that she wants to find a new place to live becuase hers is too small and they had talked about looking for both of them but now he wants to wait. She wanted to know what I thought....I just said to cut him some slack. I am curious to see if there is more to this than she lets on. He was after all gone for a month.