Wednesday!? What happened to Tuesday? The week is already a blur. I guess I've had a lot of work. Certainly not like anything ever happens.
It feels like I've given up on the gym. I just can't seem to get myself to go. I am telling myself that I will commit to it for Lent. Ash Wednesday is in 2 weeks. So I guess I'm on a break until then.
I didn't hear from anyone yesterday. My cell phone was left at home so there wasn't much to do about that from work. But when I got home I didn't have anything that resembled a missed call or text message from anyone I know. No email either.
I remember on Sunday Carolyn wanted me to come for dinner. Either tonight or tomorrow night. I'll need to reach out to her since I doubt she will make the first move. I'm not sure I want to but I have to be careful to not get used to sitting home alone. Tonight would be three nights in a row. Nothing ever happens by just waiting.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Mixed Emotions
Because the Giants won the Super Bowl. I'm still waiting for the Jets to just get there. Then the Giants win again! Ugh. It was the lesser of 2 evils because I detest the Pats even more than the Giants. Still, now having the have Giants fans laud over the whole thing is not good. So I'll move on. Or at least try.
The rest of the weekend went about the same as always. Carolyn called me in the middles of the week so I sent her a text message late in the day on Friday and the next thing I knew we were going out for dinner. Much of dinner was spent talking about her divorce proceeding. It's been moving at a snails pace. But she has resigned herself to it's inevitable outcome, which will require her to find a new place to live. So I listened but I'm not getting too involved. I asked her if the process will ever get to a point where she can start to plan her life a little. In other words if I make plans will I ever hear a response that isn't "I don't know what I can do". So I kind of told her that even though I can be a spontaneous person I do need to have a feeling of where I'll be from time to time. This my horrible attempt at telling her I won't be making any more plans around her and she needs to know that I'm not making those calls anymore. She barely flinched. So I just figured that would probably be the end of that.
So what happens Sunday? She calls me and offers to come and cook me dinner for the Super Bowl. This while I'm on the couch sipping wine with Lisa. Lisa wasn't staying so I told Carolyn that dinner would be great. I wasn't going to hide anything from either of them. After I hung up the phone I looked at Lisa and said, "Why did I just do that?"
The game was starting in less than 2 hours. I did have other options. Besides the bar I know my sister wanted me to come to her house. And Lisa said she would like it if I came with her to her sister's. But I wasn't really thinking I wanted to see Lisa and her boyfriend together after she had told me about their issues only hours before.
So then I pushed Lisa out the door and started getting the house ready for the game with just Carolyn. I had no idea how little Carolyn knows about football until the game actually started. Her first question was "how do they score points". She is absolutely clueless. Thank God she can cook a great dinner but really, where is this going if she has no idea of how the game works? I can't help wondering what she was doing there. I probably should have dragged her to the bar.
I made the best of it and lucky it was one of the most nail biting games ever. Last play of the game a 50 yard hail Mary pass into the end zone. It bounces incomplete. And Carolyn has her coat on and is out the door. No post game nookie. Again. I wonder if I would have enjoyed it more alone. Which in all honesty was going to be my primary option.
Now one little sidebar - Lisa has been looking for a new place to live and I have been tagging along. In the last 2 weekends we have seen more than a dozen different things. The ones in her price range were all not right for her and the ones we saw that she could see herself living in were all more than she can do. But not that far. The problem is she hasn't really nailed down her money yet. She thinks she has $45,000 in her retirement account she can draw from but she has no idea how much the taxes will take a bite out of it. We both figured the number is probably around $30K so if that is 20 percent she can spend about $150,000. Then we saw the perfect place and it's listed for $135K. But it's a no-pet co-op. And she has a cat. So we were mulling that over as we sipped wine. She is now leaning towards looking at my co-op. I am back and forth about how close I want her to be.
Lisa has her birthday just a week from today. Since I wasn't sure if I'd see her next weekend, because let's face it, she still lives with a boyfriend, I decided I needed to give her the present I had squirrelled away for her. Before she opened it she looked at me and said "You have no idea how much I needed something like this". She then told me how her weekend had gone. Apparently she and her boyfriend had a bad time the night before. Then Carolyn called and you know the rest.
The rest of the weekend went about the same as always. Carolyn called me in the middles of the week so I sent her a text message late in the day on Friday and the next thing I knew we were going out for dinner. Much of dinner was spent talking about her divorce proceeding. It's been moving at a snails pace. But she has resigned herself to it's inevitable outcome, which will require her to find a new place to live. So I listened but I'm not getting too involved. I asked her if the process will ever get to a point where she can start to plan her life a little. In other words if I make plans will I ever hear a response that isn't "I don't know what I can do". So I kind of told her that even though I can be a spontaneous person I do need to have a feeling of where I'll be from time to time. This my horrible attempt at telling her I won't be making any more plans around her and she needs to know that I'm not making those calls anymore. She barely flinched. So I just figured that would probably be the end of that.
So what happens Sunday? She calls me and offers to come and cook me dinner for the Super Bowl. This while I'm on the couch sipping wine with Lisa. Lisa wasn't staying so I told Carolyn that dinner would be great. I wasn't going to hide anything from either of them. After I hung up the phone I looked at Lisa and said, "Why did I just do that?"
The game was starting in less than 2 hours. I did have other options. Besides the bar I know my sister wanted me to come to her house. And Lisa said she would like it if I came with her to her sister's. But I wasn't really thinking I wanted to see Lisa and her boyfriend together after she had told me about their issues only hours before.
So then I pushed Lisa out the door and started getting the house ready for the game with just Carolyn. I had no idea how little Carolyn knows about football until the game actually started. Her first question was "how do they score points". She is absolutely clueless. Thank God she can cook a great dinner but really, where is this going if she has no idea of how the game works? I can't help wondering what she was doing there. I probably should have dragged her to the bar.
I made the best of it and lucky it was one of the most nail biting games ever. Last play of the game a 50 yard hail Mary pass into the end zone. It bounces incomplete. And Carolyn has her coat on and is out the door. No post game nookie. Again. I wonder if I would have enjoyed it more alone. Which in all honesty was going to be my primary option.
Now one little sidebar - Lisa has been looking for a new place to live and I have been tagging along. In the last 2 weekends we have seen more than a dozen different things. The ones in her price range were all not right for her and the ones we saw that she could see herself living in were all more than she can do. But not that far. The problem is she hasn't really nailed down her money yet. She thinks she has $45,000 in her retirement account she can draw from but she has no idea how much the taxes will take a bite out of it. We both figured the number is probably around $30K so if that is 20 percent she can spend about $150,000. Then we saw the perfect place and it's listed for $135K. But it's a no-pet co-op. And she has a cat. So we were mulling that over as we sipped wine. She is now leaning towards looking at my co-op. I am back and forth about how close I want her to be.
Lisa has her birthday just a week from today. Since I wasn't sure if I'd see her next weekend, because let's face it, she still lives with a boyfriend, I decided I needed to give her the present I had squirrelled away for her. Before she opened it she looked at me and said "You have no idea how much I needed something like this". She then told me how her weekend had gone. Apparently she and her boyfriend had a bad time the night before. Then Carolyn called and you know the rest.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
I Am a Survivor
I've been holding off a bit this week from writing. I want there to be something big but there just isn't. One day rolls into the next and now another month has come and gone. I don't know what to make of February. It's a short month but seems like there are a lot of thing that happen. But probably not for this year.
Tomorrow is Ground Hog Day which by tradition indicates an early spring if the groundhog doesn't see his shadow. While I do not buy into the myth I do mark the day because it is now close to 6 weeks since the start of winter. The half way point. Next will be Ash Wednesday. Always somewhere between those days I start to notice the days beginning to lengthen. It won't bee long before the sun will be up as I leave the house in the morning. I've already noticed that my walk to the train in the afternoon is in sunshine. I've been fortunate to not have snow to deal with as the only snowfall of significance occurred on a Saturday. It's still 2 months until April but at least it may start to look closer. I've always felt like Ash Wednesday occurs at the deadest part of winter but then we have Easter and the renewal that brings. I do have some good memories of Easter. I always put away the dullness and dreariness of winter and begin the process of being optimistic. Up until then it's just a matter of survival.
Tomorrow is Ground Hog Day which by tradition indicates an early spring if the groundhog doesn't see his shadow. While I do not buy into the myth I do mark the day because it is now close to 6 weeks since the start of winter. The half way point. Next will be Ash Wednesday. Always somewhere between those days I start to notice the days beginning to lengthen. It won't bee long before the sun will be up as I leave the house in the morning. I've already noticed that my walk to the train in the afternoon is in sunshine. I've been fortunate to not have snow to deal with as the only snowfall of significance occurred on a Saturday. It's still 2 months until April but at least it may start to look closer. I've always felt like Ash Wednesday occurs at the deadest part of winter but then we have Easter and the renewal that brings. I do have some good memories of Easter. I always put away the dullness and dreariness of winter and begin the process of being optimistic. Up until then it's just a matter of survival.
Friday, January 27, 2012
New direction
I'm back. Did you even notice I was gone. I've missed a few days of blogging just to clear my head. Lisa is out and Janet is in. I called her last night and asked her out for dinner. I want to avoid the D-word (date). We have been friends for too long even though we haven't spent much time together in the last year.
I was just wanting to reach out to someone different since my phone calls to Carolyn lead only to ambivalence from her and Lisa lives with her boyfriend so I wasn't calling her either. I need to leave them both behind until they figure out what they want. In both cases it's probably not me.
My call to Janet lasted almost an hour. It was like she really wanted to hear from me. While we chatted about everything that was going on I realized how much I miss her. So without intending to make a plan before I called I just decided to see if she could come out for dinner Saturday. We will go to our favorite Italian place, which just happens to be right near my house. I have very limited expectations but I plan to clean the house just in case.
That was pretty much the highlight of my week. Sometimes it's feast and sometimes it's famine. I mean last week I was out for dinner on Wednesday with Carolyn and then again on Thursday with Lisa. So what happens is Friday and Saturday I'm alone. The this week I stayed in and now at least I have a Saturday night to look forward to.
Since I last spoke to Carolyn I can't decide how I want to proceed. I have been asking her out for something on a weekend and for the most part she is either non-committal and then accepts at the last minute or she just bails completely. I want her to realize that if she dismisses me I can just as easily find someone else. She probably knows that so I should just not get too excited about her anymore. Easier said than done but I'm trying. Not too long ago I had high hopes.
I was just wanting to reach out to someone different since my phone calls to Carolyn lead only to ambivalence from her and Lisa lives with her boyfriend so I wasn't calling her either. I need to leave them both behind until they figure out what they want. In both cases it's probably not me.
My call to Janet lasted almost an hour. It was like she really wanted to hear from me. While we chatted about everything that was going on I realized how much I miss her. So without intending to make a plan before I called I just decided to see if she could come out for dinner Saturday. We will go to our favorite Italian place, which just happens to be right near my house. I have very limited expectations but I plan to clean the house just in case.
That was pretty much the highlight of my week. Sometimes it's feast and sometimes it's famine. I mean last week I was out for dinner on Wednesday with Carolyn and then again on Thursday with Lisa. So what happens is Friday and Saturday I'm alone. The this week I stayed in and now at least I have a Saturday night to look forward to.
Since I last spoke to Carolyn I can't decide how I want to proceed. I have been asking her out for something on a weekend and for the most part she is either non-committal and then accepts at the last minute or she just bails completely. I want her to realize that if she dismisses me I can just as easily find someone else. She probably knows that so I should just not get too excited about her anymore. Easier said than done but I'm trying. Not too long ago I had high hopes.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Too much time on my hands.
I have way too much time to think right now. I was relaxing in front of the television last night wish I had someone to talk to. And when I say "some one", I probably mean Lisa. I've been pretty lucky the last few weeks to have her come visit me and now I'm starting to crave it. It doesn't need to be her but the last few occurrences it has been just her. So last night I was feeling a little lonely.
When I have time to myself I get to go over all that events of the weekend. How Lisa gave me a little extra hug before I left on Sunday. How we were able to enjoy a simple cup of coffee on Sunday morning after the gym. I have these feelings that I want to verbalize. Thing is it isn't even necessary. Lisa knows how much I like her. She always has. I have never wavered from that, even though I know it would be better for me if I could lose all hope and move on. I try. It's just she can pull me close to her with just a single look.
And as I sit and think I can reminisce about all the things we have shared. I know she must remember those moments fondly. We've shared good times and bad times. When she was so far away living in Arizona I would be the last one she would talk to at night. But something always kept was from being together. Either my hesitation or hers. My lack of something she wants is not something I can fix.
The situation is out of control in so many ways. Lisa lives with a guy. They are or were engaged. He is a good guy, but Lisa says their love is dead. I want to step up but I don't really get a sense that ends well for me.
So I sit alone and dream of a life I can't have and I am paralyzed from moving any any other direction. I can't even talk about this to anyone for fear that I'll just come off as a wimpy dreamer who can't even get one girl (any girl) to fall for me.
Okay. The pity party is over. Moving on.
When I have time to myself I get to go over all that events of the weekend. How Lisa gave me a little extra hug before I left on Sunday. How we were able to enjoy a simple cup of coffee on Sunday morning after the gym. I have these feelings that I want to verbalize. Thing is it isn't even necessary. Lisa knows how much I like her. She always has. I have never wavered from that, even though I know it would be better for me if I could lose all hope and move on. I try. It's just she can pull me close to her with just a single look.
And as I sit and think I can reminisce about all the things we have shared. I know she must remember those moments fondly. We've shared good times and bad times. When she was so far away living in Arizona I would be the last one she would talk to at night. But something always kept was from being together. Either my hesitation or hers. My lack of something she wants is not something I can fix.
The situation is out of control in so many ways. Lisa lives with a guy. They are or were engaged. He is a good guy, but Lisa says their love is dead. I want to step up but I don't really get a sense that ends well for me.
So I sit alone and dream of a life I can't have and I am paralyzed from moving any any other direction. I can't even talk about this to anyone for fear that I'll just come off as a wimpy dreamer who can't even get one girl (any girl) to fall for me.
Okay. The pity party is over. Moving on.
Monday, January 23, 2012
You can lead a horse to water.
The peaks and valleys seem to be less and less. Not a lot things happening either way. That is probably self-inflicted. I have pretty much eliminated from my day to day life anyone who creates drama.
After having dinner with Carolyn last Wednesday I have yet to see her again. When I spoke to her on the phone on Friday she seemed so non-committal that I just refused to reach out to her again. I keep going to that well and coming away thirsty. Sometimes it's easier just to stay home. Of course, last time I said that she called me and we ended up going out for dinner.
The only other person I saw was Lisa. It started as just to have a cup of coffee after going to the gym. Then I was invited to see her sister's family. Her nephew is a marine and was home on leave. He was heading back to base on Monday so I agreed to stop by for the going away event. I knew Lisa would be there but wasn't sure about Carmine. He was there too. Now don't get me wrong, I think C is a good guy, but with all the things Lisa has confided in me about I have trouble figuring out what to say and do. They still appear like a couple but everyone knows it's false. At least that is the impression Lisa has given. I did my best and I was glad to see the marine before he left. I made sure not to stay very long.
There is no understanding anymore. Things are just going to play out and I can only stand by and watch. I'm still no player. If Lisa wants a change it won't come from me. If I can get anything going it isn't going to be anyone I currently have in my life. Life right now is as slow as molasses.
After having dinner with Carolyn last Wednesday I have yet to see her again. When I spoke to her on the phone on Friday she seemed so non-committal that I just refused to reach out to her again. I keep going to that well and coming away thirsty. Sometimes it's easier just to stay home. Of course, last time I said that she called me and we ended up going out for dinner.
The only other person I saw was Lisa. It started as just to have a cup of coffee after going to the gym. Then I was invited to see her sister's family. Her nephew is a marine and was home on leave. He was heading back to base on Monday so I agreed to stop by for the going away event. I knew Lisa would be there but wasn't sure about Carmine. He was there too. Now don't get me wrong, I think C is a good guy, but with all the things Lisa has confided in me about I have trouble figuring out what to say and do. They still appear like a couple but everyone knows it's false. At least that is the impression Lisa has given. I did my best and I was glad to see the marine before he left. I made sure not to stay very long.
There is no understanding anymore. Things are just going to play out and I can only stand by and watch. I'm still no player. If Lisa wants a change it won't come from me. If I can get anything going it isn't going to be anyone I currently have in my life. Life right now is as slow as molasses.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Carpe Diem
Last night Lisa invited me to have dinner with her. She wanted to try a new restaurant that one of her friends just opened. She called it a grand opening but it just seemed like a regular night to me. I had expected she would see some other friends there but it was just me and her at a quiet table enjoying a good bottle of wine.
As we were talking I swear I could see her get a warm glow and I can almost see her look at me different, as if she wants me. But then I can almost literally see her talk herself out of it and move away from me at the same time. As long as I've known her I get this sense that she sees me differently than anyone else and I've never been able to figure out what I can do to change it. I know she loves being with me but will always move away whenever I draw close to her. The few times she has responded she goes off alone and comes back with a changed attitude. One day I will figure out what I need to do. Carpe diem.
And now the weekend is coming. I have this urge to just stay in and hibernate. I have been going out during the week a lot more than I'm used to. Dinner with Carolyn on Wednesday and dinner with Lisa on Thursday. It's getting expensive. Maybe I need to save a bit and stay home. When I see an opportunity I will probably forget all about this.
As we were talking I swear I could see her get a warm glow and I can almost see her look at me different, as if she wants me. But then I can almost literally see her talk herself out of it and move away from me at the same time. As long as I've known her I get this sense that she sees me differently than anyone else and I've never been able to figure out what I can do to change it. I know she loves being with me but will always move away whenever I draw close to her. The few times she has responded she goes off alone and comes back with a changed attitude. One day I will figure out what I need to do. Carpe diem.
And now the weekend is coming. I have this urge to just stay in and hibernate. I have been going out during the week a lot more than I'm used to. Dinner with Carolyn on Wednesday and dinner with Lisa on Thursday. It's getting expensive. Maybe I need to save a bit and stay home. When I see an opportunity I will probably forget all about this.
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