I'm either too smart or too stupid.

The summer is winding down it the labor day holiday has been a struggle for me in so many ways. I've been twisting in the wind as I have been unable to get a plan on anything. I am feeling a little left out or left behind by almost everyone. The only one around has been Roberta.

I like Roberta but I always feel like she is taking notes to share with other people. But still I tend to tell her more than I really want to. But it is nice to unburden myself to someone who listens. That being said I had a number of incidents and she gave me quite a bit on insight on things.

I know this is like a repeating story, but I am being pulled by Coleen again. I want to detach but I just can't seem to push those feeling aside. Earlier this week she called while I wasn't home and left a message... something she has rarely done. She didn't say anything but I felt as if she just wanted to say hello. It was the day after my birthday so I was thinking it may have had something to do with that. I didn't call back and since the next day was a work day I never heard from her until Friday night except for an occasional text message. In fact I am starting to feel our main way of communication has become text messages. This has become very tiresome.

What I really would like is real time conversation that maybe even includes making real plans. This is not happening and I have to make myself stop looking for things that are not there. Here is what is really bothering me ... Coleen wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday but she waited until the day before to try to make a plan and by then I had already committed to seeing Janet that day. She said something to Janet that made me think she wanted to join us but I resisted that. So on my birthday she called me first thing in the morning. I said we could do something over the holiday. But she was making plans to be away herself. Still I knew I would see her on Friday night. A mutual friend Tony was 50 this week and we were all going to wish him happy birthday. So a bunch of us met in the bar - minus Janet who was away - for happy hour. I came in and Coleen wished me happy birthday but never really spoke to me much after that. I felt a little burned since she didn't have even as much as a card and it isn't like she couldn't get one since she had one for Tony. It's been bothering me all weekend. I know, I know ... shouldn't feel this way since she has never taken that kind of step.

I find myself missing Janet since she is away upstate at a family holiday event. More than I have in a while. I mentioned this to Roberta who told me about her spending time with Bunky... who we saw with his new girlfriend earlier this weekend. The Janet and Bunky thing is like her big secret. They just get together for sex on the weekends. What is odd is how many times I have seen her on weekends where I just go home. So I am carrying that around this morning too.

I am in denial to everyone about how I feel. I would really like it if someone would give me some affection before go a little crazy and do something I shouldn't.

What's next.

My birthday is coming up and I'll be another year older come Monday. Nothing really to get excited about but I will take a few days off from work and relax. We are coming to the end of summer and I've not been able to take even a single day off since I moved.

I had a short chat with Coleen yesterday ... she called me. Nothing much there. She has been struggling with pain from a root canal she had done a week ago. Seems she has an infection. She wants me to call her after work today but I'm meeting Janet so I can't see her no matter what she says. I still may call her though.

Yes, I'll be seeing Janet for dinner. I'm planning to BBQ a steak on the boat and she says she would join me. I'm taking Friday off so I can let loose a little. Maybe we can plan something for the weekend.

Friday I'll be joining my brother Barry while he moves his boat back to his South Shore slip. It will be an all day event and I am looking forward to a nice day on the water.

Monday is a day of review

My entire family was together on Saturday evening to pay our final respects to my dad, who died 6 months to the day on August 21. He wanted not to be buried in a cemetery or have a headstone. He wanted to to cremated and his ashes spread at sea. I own his sailboat and my brother Barry owns his last boat, a 40 foot trawler. We had both boats together as his entire family - all 22 of us stood and said a few words before releasing his ashes into the water. It was done with respect and love and it got emotional. Some of the grandchildren did not feel comfortable saying anything but I expected that. We all went to my sister's house afterwards and had what is a typical family gathering. There was music and laughter and occasional tension but no drama. Just us being us which is how dad would have liked it.

The rest of the weekend was about other things. Friday night I got to dance to Jimmy Buffett music, first with my mom, then with Roberta but then I danced the rest of the night with Coleen. It may have been the most fun I've had all summer. After dancing I had Coleen meet mom, which is the first time that has happened. It went well. But the night ended with me going to another place to hear a friend play his acoustic set. Coleen had chosen to go home so I was hanging out with Janet and Roberta. In an hour I was ready to go home and so did they. Nothing new going on there.

Sunday I had dinner with Janet. We spent the evening watching a movie at her house. I spend so much time with her and I still can't figure out how I fit in with her. Part of me thinks she is the most beautiful girl and I should be thriller just to be alone with her. But another part of me is just not attracted to her and I want something different. I just don't feel any love coming from her. Here is the really odd thing ... she has her house to herself for maybe the first time ever. No kids as her 2 eldest have moved to their own place and her son was away until Monday. I was thinking there was an opportunity there but I just let it go. If she was thinking about anything it would of been hinted at.

So here I am on Monday feeling good but wondering if I am still on any kind of path. I still haven't had a drink since May ... actually it is 3 months today. My birthday is Monday and Janet wanted to know if I would like it if we went to dinner, just the 2 of us. All I need to do is decide.

Still Single and Unattached but I am Alive

I am feeling like this is how it should be. I am fated to be on my own and even though I say outwardly that I want to have some one special in my life but the fact is I have many people who are special. This makes me resist new relationships. And I'm not really willing to admit this is a bad thing.

Lately I've been thinking back to when I had someone who loves me and how I could have company with some one who is all about me or us. It has been so long since I've seen that in someone's eyes. Okay ... I've spent enough time thinking about being alone.

It's Friday! There will be a lot of activity this weekend. Tonight I will be seeing music in the village. It's a Buffett Tribute Band so maybe there will be dancing. It seems like I haven't done that since my niece's wedding.

The rest of the weekend will be all about remembering my dad. It's been 6 months since he past away and we still need to put his ashes where he wanted to rest. He loved his time on the water and he passed that love to me and in some way to all of us. We are an extension of his life and I am secure knowing I will always carry a part of him in me.

So we will take the boat I own which was his and the boat my brother Barry owns, which also used to be his and we will raft together in the bay where it really all started. My mom will be there and we expect all the grandchilren to be there so that they can remember him one last time.

It will be a family-only event so I don't expect I'll see anyone else. At least until Sunday. I can't seem to look that far ahead.

Strange Days Indeed

I had dinner with Coleen last night. I asked her to have dinner at an Indian restaurant we both like. I had seen her all too briefly on Sunday and used that opportunity to ask and she said maybe. So I reached out to her after work and she agreed to pick me up right from the train.

I don't really understand the compulsion I have to spend time with her. It breaks my heart every time I say good-bye without saying how much I like her. But our conversations are always easy and light and I never want to break the mood by making things serious. I know what the answers will be and I'd rather enjoy her company with things as they are. I've already found out what it's like not having her around and I end up missing her terribly. It's better to have her friendship than not.

I was out and about over the weekend and did other things. Saturday I was at the beach late with Janet and others. It was okay but for the most part I was bored. I would have been much happier out on the boat ... which is what I did on Sunday.

Changes

Rocking into Wednesday. Can't say it's one of the better weeks I've had but at least it's not a bad week. Dropped in on Janet last evening to borrow a lobster pot that my brother Barry wants to use. We ended up watching TV for an hour or so. It was a quiet evening.

I need to see Lisa one night this week to give her a CD with some pictures we took over the weekend. Part of me wants to insist she come to me for them but I guess I will get around to it either tonight or tomorrow night. Her last email mentioned how she has been having a hard time with C - her boyfriend. She said she hasn't been available ... don't know if she meant with me or C. I am not really worrying about it either. I'm not nearly as attached to her as I once was.

I am trying not to be lonely but I still struggle. Not being able to drink has been keeping me from going out to the bar like I used to. So I am not out as much. The good thing is I don't spend the money like i once did. The bad thing is I miss the daily interaction. I'm doing my best to find me way in this new world. I am surrounded with change. New home, new neighborhood, new stores, and yet it's the old places and things I had growing up. Everything is now only minutes away.

I will adjust but I really fear the unknown.

Whatever

I spent my Sunday sailing with family members. That is my niece Kate and me with my hand on the wheel. There was quite a bit of wind so it was not the most relaxing day. Still it was great to feel the boat moving under sail.

That was just part of my activities. Nothing unique or out of the ordinary though. I had breakfast with old friends that I know from scuba. It has me thinking I should get myself back into it. I will consider making that possible after I've got a few mortgage payment behind me and I can figure out what my expenses are. My last time diving must be about 5 years ago. It seems like I had more friends and never felt isolated or alone while I was pursuing my scuba hobby. This was all started by my last girlfriend. Probably won't ever find that place again but I'll always want it.

So my breakfast got me up early for a Sunday. The place I was going to took me right past Coleen's house. I shouldn't have peeked but I looked and saw her car was not there which in my mind means she spent the night some where other than home. Since i found out she went away with her new guy Tom I guess she will be shacking up with him on a regular basis. I just hope I'm not going to obsess on this for too long. She actually said she wants to take a trip away on the boat but I know she is just stringing me along.

I made the mistake or reaching out to Tracy. She of the bad knee and not much else to talk about. Seems she is still not working after quitting her last job more than a year ago. I knew I should just let that one drift away into the abyss of lost friendships but I have nothing new going on so I always seem to think I can dredge up something old and not so great. More torture for myself to think about.

I want to tell myself I can be fine with it just me, myself. But I really want to find some affection that is real and sincere. Even if it is only temporary.