Now I'll be focusing on my next big step. Owning my own home. Soon I'll start boxing and packing up. First I'll begin throwing away all the things that will not fit into my new place. Many many things will need to go. I know I have months to take care of things but I want to start making myself ready sooner rather than later. I am about to go away for a week in Florida but when i get back it will be full steam ahead. I plan to start cleaning out closets as soon as possible. Then drawers will be emptied. Clothes I don't wear will all go. This is my best chance to purge all those useless unneeded things than have been buried in the corners of my life.
I have to start thinking about how I'm going to move. Who can help? Should I just hire movers? Decisions, decisions...
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
My big purchase
Today I spent more money than I ever have before. But in a good way. Today I bought a co-op apartment. We haggled back and forth all day until we got a deal. Now I have to get the financing. I have a pre-approval for a mortgage so I'm good there. I have $25k toward the down payment. That just leaves the closing. Probably another $10k.
So I immediately began calling everyone I knew. Guess who I called first - yeah, it was Coleen. I needed to call her about something else anyway and I was waiting until later in the day so that I could finish the negotiations and give her my news. She was happy although I couldn't gauge her thrill factor because I was too happy.
I've been calling some other people ... more or less everybody. Then set about getting an attorney. setting out arranging for the purchase. Hopefully by summer I'll be closer to everyone I know. Or I'll just enjoy living in a place I can call my own.
My only disappointment is I won't get to tell my dad. It was at his urging that I've even gotten this far. I owe him a huge debt. I have a small bit of sadness mixed with my joy.
So I immediately began calling everyone I knew. Guess who I called first - yeah, it was Coleen. I needed to call her about something else anyway and I was waiting until later in the day so that I could finish the negotiations and give her my news. She was happy although I couldn't gauge her thrill factor because I was too happy.
I've been calling some other people ... more or less everybody. Then set about getting an attorney. setting out arranging for the purchase. Hopefully by summer I'll be closer to everyone I know. Or I'll just enjoy living in a place I can call my own.
My only disappointment is I won't get to tell my dad. It was at his urging that I've even gotten this far. I owe him a huge debt. I have a small bit of sadness mixed with my joy.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
My best day in a while
I can't seem to make any changes no matter how much I try. I'm saying this after having such a good day. I enjoyed spending my entire day with Coleen. I know things were not so good just a few days ago but she reached out for me and I responded like I always do. Right now it's about 8 o'clock and the last thing she said to me was to give her a call later and I'm mustering up the courage to do just that.
Details, I'm sure there should be details. Well ... it started on Saturday with a simple text message to my cell phone. She sent me a text while I was out shopping with my sister and I'd left my cell in my car. So I didn't even get the message for hours. That may have been a good thing because I wasn't responding which maybe gave her pause. I'll never know because I gave her a message when I saw it. There were more messages back and forth... and the last thing I said was I'd see her later. That never happened.
I had gotten up early on Sunday since I didn't really even go out Saturday night so it was a big surprise when my cell buzzed with a text message while I was still making breakfast. Coleen was asking how I was. So we finally had a phone conversation and I talked her into going for a ride with me so we could both run some errands. I picked her up at 10 and we were in 4 stores and visited my brother before we even had lunch. I even had Lisa come meet us at a Chili's.
We finished our day by going to Gates which was mostly fun. I did however have a difficult time while I watch how Coleen interacted with Jimmy. I guess there isn't really anything going on between them but that's not because she isn't trying. She never misses a chance to touch him in some not so subtle ways. Things that I wish I could feel. But it's never going to be me. No matter if I ignore her or give her all my warm friendship. Which is all I know how to do.
Details, I'm sure there should be details. Well ... it started on Saturday with a simple text message to my cell phone. She sent me a text while I was out shopping with my sister and I'd left my cell in my car. So I didn't even get the message for hours. That may have been a good thing because I wasn't responding which maybe gave her pause. I'll never know because I gave her a message when I saw it. There were more messages back and forth... and the last thing I said was I'd see her later. That never happened.
I had gotten up early on Sunday since I didn't really even go out Saturday night so it was a big surprise when my cell buzzed with a text message while I was still making breakfast. Coleen was asking how I was. So we finally had a phone conversation and I talked her into going for a ride with me so we could both run some errands. I picked her up at 10 and we were in 4 stores and visited my brother before we even had lunch. I even had Lisa come meet us at a Chili's.
We finished our day by going to Gates which was mostly fun. I did however have a difficult time while I watch how Coleen interacted with Jimmy. I guess there isn't really anything going on between them but that's not because she isn't trying. She never misses a chance to touch him in some not so subtle ways. Things that I wish I could feel. But it's never going to be me. No matter if I ignore her or give her all my warm friendship. Which is all I know how to do.
Friday, March 5, 2010
My Day
Hello. I skipped yesterday. I was kept busy at work and never signed on the computer at home so posting was not on my agenda. At least I had a productive day at the office. Then I went to the gym and broke my distance and time record on the treadmill. I met Lisa there who continues to out do me. Together we are doing much more than I expected. Maybe we can see real results soon but thus far I haven't.
On Wednesday after work I went to get my monthly allergy shot. Since it was more than a year since I'd had my vitals checked by my doctor she decided to put me through a short check up. Everything was fine ... blood pressure good, breathing good and all else show things are fine. The only thing was she thinks I should get my cholesterol checked. She recommended a doctor in Glen Cove ... ironically enough one of the docs that Coleen works for. I'm holding off making that appointment since I just don't want to talk with her right now. I keep feeling like I need to get away from the whole situation. Because no matter what else happens I know that I'll never get her to love me. I must know that now.
Meanwhile I'm hoping to get to see some more new co-op apartments this weekend and finally find the one that will be my new home. I feel more than ever I need to make this happen. I want that change in the hopes that the other things I can't seem to change will become possible once I do this thing. I am probably looking for more than is really possible but I want to start living my life the way I should.
On Wednesday after work I went to get my monthly allergy shot. Since it was more than a year since I'd had my vitals checked by my doctor she decided to put me through a short check up. Everything was fine ... blood pressure good, breathing good and all else show things are fine. The only thing was she thinks I should get my cholesterol checked. She recommended a doctor in Glen Cove ... ironically enough one of the docs that Coleen works for. I'm holding off making that appointment since I just don't want to talk with her right now. I keep feeling like I need to get away from the whole situation. Because no matter what else happens I know that I'll never get her to love me. I must know that now.
Meanwhile I'm hoping to get to see some more new co-op apartments this weekend and finally find the one that will be my new home. I feel more than ever I need to make this happen. I want that change in the hopes that the other things I can't seem to change will become possible once I do this thing. I am probably looking for more than is really possible but I want to start living my life the way I should.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
All about me
I made it into the gym last night for the first time since I'd been back from Florida. Almost 2 weeks since my last time. I was able to do a full run on the treadmill. Lucky I did one run while I was away or it would have been much tougher.
Coleen's birthday was Monday and we had a conversation. She had no plans but still said no to my invite for dinner. Seems that her crush on Jimmy is not as serious as I first thought. I think Jimmy is not as into her as she is. I get a sense she would rather go hang out where he is than plan anything with me. I know that feeling since I've been doing the same thing with her for 2 years. You would think being aware of this I could change it and I am trying.
While I was away she did call me several times. My only friend that reached out to me. She also received a birthday present I had sent by mail during the time I was in Florida. I got the feeling she was more embarrassed than thrilled.
Part of me wants to make an full on in-her-face attempt at dating Coleen ... something I've never felt comfortable doing. But I feel those efforts would not result in anything but my losing a friend and me getting a humiliating brush off. I guess I'll know a change of attitude from her when I see it. Meantime I will just continue to be who I am even when it frustrates me so.
Coleen's birthday was Monday and we had a conversation. She had no plans but still said no to my invite for dinner. Seems that her crush on Jimmy is not as serious as I first thought. I think Jimmy is not as into her as she is. I get a sense she would rather go hang out where he is than plan anything with me. I know that feeling since I've been doing the same thing with her for 2 years. You would think being aware of this I could change it and I am trying.
While I was away she did call me several times. My only friend that reached out to me. She also received a birthday present I had sent by mail during the time I was in Florida. I got the feeling she was more embarrassed than thrilled.
Part of me wants to make an full on in-her-face attempt at dating Coleen ... something I've never felt comfortable doing. But I feel those efforts would not result in anything but my losing a friend and me getting a humiliating brush off. I guess I'll know a change of attitude from her when I see it. Meantime I will just continue to be who I am even when it frustrates me so.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Thoughts of Dad
Spent a quiet evening at home last night. Gave me an opportunity to relax and think. And also give some TLC time to my cat Tigger who has largely been ignored for most of the last 2 weeks. He will still need to deal with another week of that as I have plans to be in Florida again next week.
So my current thoughts continue to be about the passing of my dad. While I was with him the last few days before he died I got to hold his hand and talk to him. He was struggling to communicate but I knew he could hear me. There was much emotion as I tried to tell him that I loved him and I was going to be okay. He would occasionally squeeze my hand. On the last day he was able to talk I was in the lounge area when he called out my name. I went running to his side and told him I was there and everything was okay. He seemed comforted by my presence which just made me cry. I wanted him to go home but I knew that was impossible. He needed too much care.
On the second morning after he died I had a dream. Let me start out by saying I do not believe in an afterlife. My philosophy is a life lived well is it's own reward. When you die your legacy is the people you loved and loved you while you are here. So for me to have a dream about my dad has really given me pause for what my beliefs are.
I don't usually remember my dreams so right away this is unusual. The beginning of the dream is simply just a feeling of being close to my dad. As if he is just there close to me. There there is a phone ringing and I go to answer it. From the caller ID I can see the name is William Barry which is my dad's first name and middle name reversed but also my nephew's first and middle name.
I answer the phone and I hear a woman's voice I don't recognize ask for my dad. I take the phone and go to a doorway and I see my dad in an all white room that appears to be empty ... My dad is standing next to a step ladder as if he is doing a project. When I show him the phone he waves me off as if to say he can't take the call. So I tell the woman my dad can't talk right now .... she responds by telling me "It's okay" ... she goes on to tell me he has made it to where he needs to go and he wants me to know he is okay.
I then awake from the dream and I realize that I may have just experienced something I would never believed if someone else had told me it. I was immediately crying and got up ... it was just a little past 6 AM and still not really light outside. I got up and dressed and when I went into the living room I saw my mom coming out of her bedroom. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her but as I reached for her she was more than a little surprised and kind of pulled away ... so I decided I wouldn't say anything. I still haven't. I don't know why she awoke at the same time as I did though. It could have been coincidence.
I can't figure out if it was real or not. I want it to be but it goes counter to all my prior experiences. In the last 4 years I've lost my best friend and my ex-wife and nothing like that occurred. But this is my dad so maybe there is a greater connection. I want to believe my dad really did reach out to give me a message. I hope he did. I hope he completed his journey and is now somewhere watching over all of us.
So my current thoughts continue to be about the passing of my dad. While I was with him the last few days before he died I got to hold his hand and talk to him. He was struggling to communicate but I knew he could hear me. There was much emotion as I tried to tell him that I loved him and I was going to be okay. He would occasionally squeeze my hand. On the last day he was able to talk I was in the lounge area when he called out my name. I went running to his side and told him I was there and everything was okay. He seemed comforted by my presence which just made me cry. I wanted him to go home but I knew that was impossible. He needed too much care.
On the second morning after he died I had a dream. Let me start out by saying I do not believe in an afterlife. My philosophy is a life lived well is it's own reward. When you die your legacy is the people you loved and loved you while you are here. So for me to have a dream about my dad has really given me pause for what my beliefs are.
I don't usually remember my dreams so right away this is unusual. The beginning of the dream is simply just a feeling of being close to my dad. As if he is just there close to me. There there is a phone ringing and I go to answer it. From the caller ID I can see the name is William Barry which is my dad's first name and middle name reversed but also my nephew's first and middle name.
I answer the phone and I hear a woman's voice I don't recognize ask for my dad. I take the phone and go to a doorway and I see my dad in an all white room that appears to be empty ... My dad is standing next to a step ladder as if he is doing a project. When I show him the phone he waves me off as if to say he can't take the call. So I tell the woman my dad can't talk right now .... she responds by telling me "It's okay" ... she goes on to tell me he has made it to where he needs to go and he wants me to know he is okay.
I then awake from the dream and I realize that I may have just experienced something I would never believed if someone else had told me it. I was immediately crying and got up ... it was just a little past 6 AM and still not really light outside. I got up and dressed and when I went into the living room I saw my mom coming out of her bedroom. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her but as I reached for her she was more than a little surprised and kind of pulled away ... so I decided I wouldn't say anything. I still haven't. I don't know why she awoke at the same time as I did though. It could have been coincidence.
I can't figure out if it was real or not. I want it to be but it goes counter to all my prior experiences. In the last 4 years I've lost my best friend and my ex-wife and nothing like that occurred. But this is my dad so maybe there is a greater connection. I want to believe my dad really did reach out to give me a message. I hope he did. I hope he completed his journey and is now somewhere watching over all of us.
Monday, March 1, 2010
I'm back
I'm back from Florida. I'm still effected by the death of my dad. I'm not sure when or even if I'll ever get over it. Hopefully getting home and getting back to work will start to give me a sense of normalcy so I can begin to move forward. There are things I've experienced that I want to express but I still need time.
While I was away pretty much the only one who reached out to me was Coleen. I was more than a little surprised that she said some very comforting things. She even floated the idea that if I needed someone to come down she was more than ready to do that. I was stunned but of course that would be ridiculous. She would have been the last thing I would have been able to deal with.
So we had several phone calls while I was away. Some were good and some felt as if she didn't really have time to say anything. Once again I feel myself getting hopes for something that probably isn't possible. Today is Coleen's birthday (March 1) and while I was away I sent her a present. When I spoke to her I sensed she was more embarrassed than happy which is an emotion that someone would have if they can't return the feelings I have. I spoke to her yesterday and she seemed sad about her birthday. I asked her if she had plans and she said no. When I said we could have dinner she said she wanted to stay close to home and not be out. My little voice says she is hoping for someone "not-me" to take her out for her birthday. I really need to start listening to my friends.
While I was away pretty much the only one who reached out to me was Coleen. I was more than a little surprised that she said some very comforting things. She even floated the idea that if I needed someone to come down she was more than ready to do that. I was stunned but of course that would be ridiculous. She would have been the last thing I would have been able to deal with.
So we had several phone calls while I was away. Some were good and some felt as if she didn't really have time to say anything. Once again I feel myself getting hopes for something that probably isn't possible. Today is Coleen's birthday (March 1) and while I was away I sent her a present. When I spoke to her I sensed she was more embarrassed than happy which is an emotion that someone would have if they can't return the feelings I have. I spoke to her yesterday and she seemed sad about her birthday. I asked her if she had plans and she said no. When I said we could have dinner she said she wanted to stay close to home and not be out. My little voice says she is hoping for someone "not-me" to take her out for her birthday. I really need to start listening to my friends.
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