Idle thoughts

Moods - so many choices and I still can't pick one.

Boat night was a bust. No one could come. Of course it was partially my fault. Roberta is away so no surprise there. Coleen I just can't bring myself to call right now. And Janet said since I never really mentioned anything she just made other plans. Not one person reached out to me. I have to wonder if this is the fallout from Jami telling Coleen to watch out for me. Because now it feels like everyone is watching out for me.

I should have reached out to Janet at some point but I have this urge to vent about the whole situation and I rather not have anyone know that I am this affected. I really feel sad because I was looking forward to each day with an optimism I hadn't had in a long time. That's all gone now. I want to be mad at Jami but all she really did was give me a dose of reality. Still, I wish she had minded her own business.   

Bonus entry

My cable is out. My landlord failed to pay the bill so I don't have TV. So I am sitting outside enjoying the warm summer night with my cat and my laptop.

I spent the better part of the morning helping Lisa take her poor Edmund to the pet crematorium. Edmund was her 16 year old cat and she is pretty broken up about his death. It was very hard to see him all still and lifeless before they took him away and she got back his ashes about 2 hours later. It was a very emotional morning.

I'm still trying to process the talk I had with Coleen this morning. I can't say now if she has bee affected by whatever Jami said to her. Obviously the girls have been talking. I want to be able to just shrug it off and go on as if nothing has been said but how do I do that? I mean I don't even know what Jami said, just that Coleen needed to tell me about it. I can't really accuse Jami of anything because I haven't really been able to hide my feelings very well.

So tomorrow is boat night and I'm not even sure if I want to really have anything. My goal is to say nothing unless someone else brings it up. I know I am obsessed with Coleen but I can't have anyone else know. I haven't done anything but be a friend to everyone in my circle. So I refuse to act guilty. If someone asks me a question I will answer it truthfully.

Lisa told me that she has nothing to do this weekend so we can enjoy a day on the boat on Saturday. That should be fun. I'm not really planning anything but the weather forecast is goodso at the very least it can be a good day.

The "Talk"

Coleen called me back this morning. I immediately asked what was with the text message that said "we need to talk". She said she had a conversation with Jami where Jami told her I may become a problem for her to deal with. So she wanted to talk to me to reinforce the idea that we are friends. She said that our friends are talking about us. My reaction was to say I know we are just friends and she has given me no reason to think otherwise. I guess that is partially true. I added that I had been getting those kind of questions for a couple of months now. I said it started with Roberta asking me "what's up with you and Coleen?" I just said that I can't help what people say.  But I feel like I would love to ask her if maybe there isn't a little more to it than that. Perhaps that will be something we can discuss but I can't really expect that. I do feel I need to focus my energy somewhere else.

Lucky for me I was with Lisa when I got this message. So I was able to talk about it with Lisa both before I spoke to Coleen and after. Lisa didn't really seem to have much advice except that she knows the Jami may be feeling a little rejected.

"We need to talk".

"We need to talk". That was the text message I got this evening from Coleen. At the time I was sitting outside having a glass of wine with Lisa. I went there because I just felt she needed company since she just had her cat Edmund die last weekend.So I replied to her that I was out and we could talk later. Now it's almost midnight and I have no idea what to make of the message. I sent a text message back after I left Lisa at 10 p.m. as yet I got no response.

So what could she want? I can't see anything good from a message like that. Lisa wanted to think of something positive be even she sees it as something is up. I see 2 scenarios that may be in lay. One I can handle and one I don't know I can deal with. Perhaps someone in our circle may have said something about how I really feel. I can deal with that easy enough.

The other possibility is that somehow someone she knows has found this.This is my honesty room. I say things here no one who knows me should ever see. How do I defend myself against my own honesty?

Well - stay tuned. I guess I'll know what is going on by this time tomorrow. 

Updating my life

So much going on I am having difficulty finding time to update. Today I just want to add some things I haven't mentioned lately.

Last Friday morning before leaving for work I got a call from Lisa. It was about her cat Edmund. He had died in his sleep sometime during the night. He was pretty old and had all kinds of ailments but he was a very active and attentive cat even the day before. So it was a tremendous shock for Lisa. She has been going through the grieving process. I often took care of Edmund and her other cat Othello whenever Lisa would go away. He really was a good guy. He used to lay on the top of Lisa's futon and when I would sit down he would rub the top of my head. I'm going to really miss those scalp massages.

So we have been having daily conversations as Lisa knows I went through the same thing last summer when I lost my cat Sylvester. Lisa still has Othello but their personalities are so different that she is really missing seeing Edmund when she walks in the door. Lisa wants to do something special for him so I think she wants to get his ashes and have a eulogy.

It's been a few days since I spoke to the ex-wife. I'm still very worried about her but need to keep some distance. I just have this feeling she would like it if I became more involved with her. That would be bad in so many ways. What would be a good number of days between contact? I'm thinking once a month. Maybe I need to keep a record. But that would be so twisted.

My dad's situation has improved dramatically. All his results for tests he had last month came back with good news. His liver has almost no cancer spots when before they thought there was more than 300. Now it down to less than 10. He is breathing better. Hasn't been using oxygen at all. His condition is so good that they may take a shot at radiation therapy on the growth in his colon/rectum that started this whole thing. There is a strong possibility for him to be cancer free. Seems like every time my dad sees death he stares it down and comes out stronger than before. He really is amazing. I think I own the man upstairs one for this.

I've been spending the last 2 days gettingthe mailing done for the boating organization. What a pain in the butt. We are having a Saturday afternoon mixer in the parking lot on Saturday. I wish I had my camera because I'd love to take some pictures. Maybe I can borrow one.  

I've been laying low as far as my friends go. I never seem to lose the urge to call people but I need to stop obsessing a little be become more focussed on all my friends.  I just made a plan for next Wednesday with some friends from work. So at least I haven't totally lost it.

4 days with Coleen.

My last four days were almost as good as any I can remember in years. I had some moments I may never forget. But I'm also still alone and confused as to how to change that or even if I should. Again it is all about Coleen.

I'll start by going back to last Thursday. That has been my night to invite friends down to the dock for wine and cheese. But this time it seems like no one wants to go. Only Janet said she could go and then only if I could pick her up. I had called Coleen but she was too busy and when I did hear from her she had already planned to make dinner with the BF. Oh well, I picked up Janet and we sipped on some wine. Dave from the boat next to mine was also there.

Right around sunset I saw Coleen's car pull into the parking lot. She came down the ramp wearing a long black skirt that I'd guessed she had worn to work that day. She looked good but I told her she didn't look very nautical. Still I got to see how nice her legs looked. She was upset with Mark, the BF, and I was glad she came down but not really interested in finding out what the fight was. It was fortunate that Janet was there and could ask her all about what she thought her future would be with Mark. I was down below putting things away when Janet asked her if she planned on sticking it out with Mark.  And she said yes for now.  Janet thinks she finds security in having him around and don't see any devotion on either side. But she is trying to make things work. Janet told me about this later. Coleen had gotten there so late that is was probably less than an hour before we shut it down. She drove Janet home since it was on the way. I was dying to know what they talked about in the car.

Friday night was the best night. Usually Friday Coleen only has a drink and then goes to meet Mark for dinner. But this week was different. I guess she was still upset from the night before and she considered herself free for the night. Janet again had given her car to her son so she walked into town. She asked if I could give her a ride when it was time to go home. We started at Gates before we went tothe Tiki bar. I saw Coleen in Gates and to my surprise she followed us up to the Tiki Bar. There was a band there and before I knew it Coleen and I were dancing. How lucky could I be? Dancing with the girl I am crazy about. It was a very good night for me. Of course I did need to drive Janet home. And I could see she was tired so I dropped her off and circled back to the tiki bar where I danced more with Coleen. Her friend Dave was there and needed a ride so before too long she also left. She said she wanted to go on the boat on Saturday.  

And she did. Saturday was better than Friday. She and I took the boat out in 90+ heat. But the water is still really really cold. But I had to go in. I jumped in and wow was it a shock. I was in for just a few seconds. But it was so hot I had to go in again and this time Coleen followed. She really looked like she was enjoying the day as much as I was. But I keep waiting for her cell to ring and have Mark make a plan with her, but it never happened. 

After being on the boat all day she went home to change and I said I'd be going to Gates to watch the Belmont. Coleen wasn't sure, obviously still holding out hope for Mark. But I walked into Gates and there she was wearing a summer dress and Mark no where to be seen. So I say hello to everyone and didn't even get a chance to talk to her for more than ten minutes.... because I need to keep reminding myself she has a boyfriend and it's still not me. After about an hour there we were again talking and shooting pool as if we were the only ones in the bar. Later we went out to get a bite to eat. I kept having this urge to talk about how I really feel about things, but I'm sure she knows. She was just killing time hoping for a call that never came. I said good-bye not sure of anything. 

So Sunday I decided I could call Coleen around noon. I was surprised to find her grocery shopping for Mark. I had already committed to going to meet Roberta at the beach so when she said we could go sailing I had to say no. So I went to the beach and guess who followed me down there? Coleen showed up! And no bf. I am so confused. She told me her plans that night was to make a nice dinner for her and Mark. Ugh! What am I doing?

I go to work tomorrow and wait and see if I hear from her at some point during the week. She always finds a reason to call me or text me.

3 years since my first entry

Not sure if that shows how persistant I am or just sad that I really can't see what is so different. In the last three years I've dealt with losses and gains. With finding new people and letting some old ones go. I've had to come to terms with being over 50 and still single and unattached. It seems more and more like that is how it will remain.

I have been able to update more consistantly lately but find myself wanting to slacken off a bit. There is only so much I can do with out contantly repeating myself. I can't imagine who wants to read about what sounds the same to me day after day.

Saturday was rainy and cold. Since I didn't really have a plan for being home I went north to the boat and spent the day doing maintenance. Tthe main reason to go was because I told Coleen to stop down if she wanted and she said she might.  I actually got a lot done because she never showed up. So at 4:30 I told Janet I would meet her at Gates. I got there and saw usual cast of characters, but no Coleen or the bf. By 7 I was hungry and I didn't realize everyone else had eaten. So I figure I'd go home and eat rather than drop another $20 there.  

So I said my goodbyes and walked toward the exit. Just at I hit the sidewalk I got a buzz on my cell phone. It was a text from Coleen. She had gone out to dinner with Mark. I just said have fun and got in my car and started driving. Her next message said she was on her way to Gates... where I'd just left. The voice in my head was saying "go home" but you think I listen ... noooooo! I turn around and go back towards Gates. And of course I get the third degree about why I'm back. From Roberta of all people who knows exactly what is going on.

So I did eat something and dropped $20 and then maybe another $20 before I finally ended the night. I did get to see Coleen. She had gotten her hair done and because the night had turned so humid it was very curly. She looked like Rosanne Rosannadanna. I didn't tell her that though. When I left she was still there with her bf but she did give me a nice goodbye.  

Coleen has started calling me now instead of sending me text messages. Each time she was cooking dinner at Mark's when she calls. So I shouldn't look at phone calls as if they mean any more than just a nice hello. But yet I want something more and wonder why she gets the urge to talk to me more and more.

Later last night I was chatting online with Lisa and we had a discussion about whether phone calls from Coleen incates anything. Since the four of us spent a day on the boat together I think maybe I could get some slightly unbiased insight. One of the things driving me right now is Coleen has imposed a deadline for Mark to propose or she says she will be done. Whatever that means. This is to be July the Fourth weekend. Lisa was wondering if this is something Mark even knows and in all honesty I am not sure. I know that Coleen has said it to more than just me so I figure that me must. I don't really get the feeling that Mark is looking to get engaged but I still need to be mentally prepared anyway. Lisa thinks that if Coleen breaks it off with him after that date he will just completely disappear since he isn't really friends with anyone other than Coleen. We will see.