Fly High

Today is the big day. I get paid today and already the entire amount is pretty much all allocated. But I anticipate my next move will be to apply for a new 401K loan which will take 5 to 7 business days. I figure to have that money in my account by next Friday. So I am holding off sending out some of my bills so I at least have some pocket money.
My first purchase was to buy tickets to a show that Carolyn is anxious to go to. The date of the show is 2 weeks from tomorrow so I won't have long to plan things. It's in NYC so I'll need to figure out where to go before and maybe even after.
I made several phone calls last night. At least one was way over due. I called Janet who I have not seen socially since the summer. We chatted for about an hour. We made plans for the weekend. As I was doing it I wasn't even sure where I thought this was going. But no one has asked me for any commitment. Freebird.
Then my next phone call was to Carolyn. We discussed the plan of going to the show. I told her I would make it happen as soon as I was in the office. Mission accomplished.
Then I had a text message from Lisa. She is so unhappy. She needs to decide what she wants. She is my oldest friend, but I've also had a crush on her for so long. She knows it. I'm moving on.
I really want to be more assertive now. I can't use the excuse of having no power. I feel that I have all my responsibilities accounted for. Now I want to put my needs out there. How that happens I'll have to wait and see.

No More Poor Me

Today might me my last day where I need to count every penny. When I get paid tomorrow I have completed paying back my 2 year loan against my 401K. I've already decided to take another loan but for a lesser amount. My plan is to pay off every other debt I have. There is $2000 I owe my brother and $2000 I have on my Visa. Then I want to make sure I have my boat covered for the next year. Maybe another $3500. My math says I can take a loan and make payments and still clear about $600 more a month that I have been the last 2 years.
I'm really only putting this into the blog because I'm wondering if this will change my life. For as long as I remember I've felt fairly powerless. My situation got so bad I felt like I needed to hold back from everything. I guess there was a time when I was doing all the things I wanted to do and couldn't really afford. I would even give things away to people who I thought really cared about me. I'm never gong to be wealthy but I should be able to enjoy the things other people get to enjoy. A trip every year, going out to dinner and paying the check. How about being able to pay my bills as soon as they arrive and not counting down until payday.
It is my goal that I can be this way and not ask for more than that. I also think - and I hate that this may even be true - but I think if I can feel like I can take a woman out and pay for it that I will feel like "the man". I believe this empowerment will generate an attractiveness that has been missing for a long time.

One day down and one day up.

What a crazy weekend I had. In the 4 days that I had off there was like a pendulum swinging back and forth, from great to terrible. Things start off pretty bad as I had work issues that pretty much ruined my chance to leave early on Wednesday, then Tigger goes AWOL for more than a day from Wednesday until almost midnight Thursday. There was also Carolyn calling me to tell me her daughter's car was leaking oil in the driveway. Not really leaking as much as pouring out of it. That seemed like it would be pretty bad and when she looked for me to help I wasn't confident that this would end well at all.
So Wednesday night was about as bad as bad can be. Then by Friday everything got resolved. Tigger was home and I had arranged for Carolyn's car to get fixed and it turned out to be a relatively minor repair that was completed by noon. Even the broken clothes dryer at Carolyn's that had been broken for almost a month was repaired.
Late Friday I went to Carolyn's and finished raking the leaves in her yard. There are about 50 bags in front of her house. I considered spending Friday night with her but I'd made plans to see a show with Lisa. In a really strange twist it is Lisa's fiance Carmine that fixed the car. It was Lisa who got the tickets to see a comedian (Jim Bruer for SNL) and I assumed he was coming along with Lisa's sister and brother-in-law. But Lisa said it wasn't his scene, what ever that means.
Okay, strap in because the ride gets a little bumpy here. Lisa no sooner gets in the car when she tells me she wants out of her life with Carmine. I've always been attracted to Lisa but it's never amounted to anything so I just let her tell me about what is bothering her. But we both wanted to have a good time so she just kind of said it's a struggle with someone like Carmine and then changed the subject. I was fine with that. On to the show. Turns out she didn't want Carmine going at all. The show was great. On the way out Lisa actually hooked her arm in mine, which was difficult for me to distinguish as a friendly gesture or an urge to get close. For the sake of my sanity I assumed it was friendly.
With that I dropped her at home where she and Carmine live together. I figured they would work things out and I had plans for Saturday with Carolyn. She wanted to go fishing of all things. While my boat is pretty much closed up for winter, I am storing it in the water so I could have it ready to go in just a few minutes. It was such a warm day we were out on the water until sunset. Having some alone time with Carolyn both Wednesday night and again on Saturday I started to ask her about where we are going. I was pretty much throwing myself at her. All I get back from her is how her life is so messed up she can't risk being with anyone. At this time all I want to do is kiss her, but she will have none of it. Without getting too into it, her pending divorce is about as insane as I've ever seen. Her whole life is lawyers, and court appearances. She is always thinking she is being watched. It's not paranoia as I am pretty sure her ex-husband has hired a private investigator that watches her.
So we talk and talk. I've explained to her that these things don't matter to me as I run the same risk either as a friend or more than a friend. But she's not ready. So we end the night Saturday going for drinks and dancing a little and I give her a kiss goodnight smack on her lips, but no tongues. Never going anywhere.
I awake on Sunday morning alone like always. My cell phone chirps with a text message but I'm not getting up for it for at least an hour. It was Lisa. She wanted to come by but I had some errands to do. The boat was not ready for cold weather so i needed to get that done but I said I'd be home by about 2. I had considered going to watch the football game at the bar. I suggested I stop by her house but Lisa said she wanted to see me at my house. Lisa loves to just relax in her living room on a Sunday so something was up.
Lisa comes in and I offer her some wine. I was engrossed by the football game. Then her cell phone rings and she took it outside. Odd I think. So when she returned I asked what was up ... I kind of knew what was coming. "He doesn't love me" blah blah blah. So I turn off the TV and I listen. I tell her how it isn't her and that he has intimacy issues and anything else I could think of. She said she needs to move out but she has no money. Now I have an extra room in my house that I use as an office, so I said to her she could move in and have that for as long as she needs it. I told her she could move and and save some money. I have no idea how that would even work. But it did make her feel stronger. I told her about how my relationship with Carolyn is. No one has it all figured out.
Two bottles later she told me she hasn't given up on Carmine yet. But it's coming. She left for home at 6 and I spent the rest of the night wondering how this will play out. I feel like I am about to turn a corner but which direction is still not clear to me.

Lost Cat on Thanksgiving

I had quite a rollercoaster ride for my Thanksgiving. Things started to go very bad at work on Wednesday. I had expected an easy quiet day. But then I got involved with a production support issue that forced me to work late. And I had planned to leave early. Oh, well. I've always looked these things as part of the job.
So I had a tentative plan to see Carolyn and since I got home so late I wasn't sure what to expect. But I got home fed my cat Tigger and as part of his usual routine I let him outside and figured he would be back inside in 20 minutes and then I would go. After 20 minutes I went outside to find him and he was no where to be found. This is not that unusual and I figured he would just take his sweet time coming home. It was a little cold so I figured he would be home within an hour tops. Well, long story short he did not come home at all. As I grew more concerned I wouldn't leave. So Carolyn agreed to come to me and cook dinner at my house. So we ate and waited. I kept going outside and looking for him. I was feeling like something really bad had happened.
I went to bed with him still not home. I had a restless night and got up several times to see if he was at the door. When I needed to go to my sister's for Thanksgiving dinner I was almost not going to go. But I just couldn't sit at home any more. I returned home several time to check and by the time I was done for the day I decided to create a "LOST CAT" poster to circulate. By this time I had pretty much convinced myself he was gone for good. I spent more than an hour working on it and before going to be I put one up on my front door figuring if someone had seen him they might knock on my door.
I taped it up and then stood on the sidewalk to see if the print was big enough. As I was out near the street I suddenly heard a cat noise. I listened and didn't hear anything for about 30 seconds. Then I heard it again. It sounded a bit muffled and I thought he was inside another persons house. I crossed the street and called his name. He called back and that was when I realized he was locked inside a parking lot just across the main road. It's a car dealership lot full of brand new Range Rovers. The fence has barbed wire so I was not anxious to go over it. As I kept calling him I could hear him coming closer bit I couldn't see him through the vinyl fence. I kept calling his name and moving along the fence looking for an opening. Sure enough I found a spot in the fence wide enough for Tigger to fit through. I still hadn't seen him so I was even sure if it was him until I saw him poke his head through the hole. What a relief to finally have him again. I don't mind telling you I got a little emotional when I got him home.

Is there such a thing as Thanksgiving Eve?

Even though I have no specific agenda I feel the urge to post something today. I'm in the office and not many other people are in so it's fairly quiet. I have some hope to make an early exit at about 3 PM. There is a 3:27 train and I want to be on that one.
When I get home I have a tentative plan to go see Lisa as she and her sister Ellen prepare their Thanksgiving. I'll need to buy a pie so I should do that as well. Then I might see Carolyn although once again there is no commitment. I need to start assuming it's a lock but I can't quite ever be sure. The last option is I can always stop down at the bar and say hello to that crowd. I'm sure I'll see Coleen there and she will insist that I stop at her house before I go to my sister's on Thursday. It's stupid that I still want to see her. I already told her it was going to be a busy day. If I don't go I will miss her.
With that my weekend begins. The rest of the weekend is probably going to be casually planned. I may try and do something constructive but we will have to wait and see. I'm sure if a friend says let's do something I'll go along.
Somewhat off topic, I got a distressed phone call yesterday from my not-that-close of a friend Loni. I know her because she has been cutting my hair for longer than I can imagine. She called because she is in a financial bind. I told her I am pretty much tapped out but that if it was something that could be pushed off a few weeks I was about to turn the corner on my money situation and I might be able to help then. She must be pretty desperate as she agreed that should could make that work. It would amount to a substantial loan. It would be money that I would be holding on to for my spring launch for the boat. It would be a big problem if she can't pay me back. Still I think I will help her out as she was very much there for me years ago when it seemed no one else would. Hopefully there is some karmic force that will make this work out.

Fear and Loathing in the Frozen Food Aisle

I had the most embarrassing thing happen to me at the grocery store last night. I'm not sure what came over me.
I touched base with Carolyn via email during the day and she mentioned she would be getting her Thanksgiving shopping done after work. She was making a trip to BJ's box store then the grocery store. I needed to get my allergy shots and the grocery store is on the way so I told her I could meet her there and maybe we could get dinner afterwards. It worked out that I was there about 20 minutes ahead of her. So i grabbed a cart and started working my way through the aisles.
Some days I go the the store, I walk down putting things into my cart and I have no trouble at all. This was not one of those days. It seems like all the stupid people were shopping at the same time. Between the people why basically block the entire aisle searching the shelves for the one item they need while oblivious to the 4 or 5 people standing trying to just get by. And then there are the Nascar shoppers who come careening around the store like the last item on the shelf is about to disappear. There were all there. Since Carolyn wasn't even there I knew I could take my time, but all that did was allow me to just stand and watch how badly behaved people can be. That is until I became one of the bad people.
Typically I shop the ice cream last. Makes sense since I don't want it to melt, right. I know it's not hot out and it's not really a problem in November, but it's a routine. So I place my cart out of the way and start looking for my favorite flavor ... chocolate-chip cookie dough. I can't find it. Normally when I don't find my favorite I would just grab a vanilla/chocolate/strawberry combo which I did do. But since Carolyn still had about a third of the store left I had plenty of time to search. So I'm looking at the case digging past the other flavors like fudge ripple and banana split and I decide since it seemed like there was no cookie dough I started hunting for black cherry. While doing that this 30-ish woman starts looking as well. Then out of the corner of my eye I see she uncovered a cookie dough. She didn't seem to want it and I just went "ooh" and reached for it. She just exclaimed "oh my God", and started to run away. I just said "oh, did you want this", and started to hand her over the ice cream. She just said no she didn't but she'd never seen anyone do that before. I guess I was that bad. I felt really small. What may have made it worse is she was cute and was wearing a Block Island sweatshirt, one of my favorite places. I had this picture in my head of me chasing her around the store saying "here, take this ice cream". Like I'm some kind of crazy person.
At that I was done shopping. I really needed to get out of there. Carolyn was almost done so I headed for the checkout line. Carolyn was actually still 10 minutes behind me so I had to wait at the front of the store while she finished. Never saw the woman again, thank God.
We had a nice dinner and I told her the ice cream story. All she had to say was we needed to order quick so that ice cream wouldn't thaw in the car. Yeah, that would be bad if I never even eat the ice cream.

What am I doing?

I am struggling with communication issues right now. I stayed in on Friday, sort of. If you read my last post I indicated that I had asked Carolyn what she had planned. Her answer as always was vague and I had no idea whether she wanted to include me or not. So when I hadn't heard from her by 6:30 I went ahead and heated up some leftovers I had saved in the fridge. Well, sure enough right as I finished washing dishes she calls. I told her I ate already and her reaction was that I was a creature of habit. Well, yeah, I get home from work and I'm hungry I'm going to eat. I told her I'd like to go hear some music not far from where she lived. She AGAIN would not give me a straight answer. I got the feeling she just wanted to stay in. I go all the way over there and call her up and she says she is cleaning the house and won't be going out. I suggested I could come there but she shut me down there too. I didn't want to just sit alone in a bar so from there I turned it back around and was home.
It wasn't such a bad thing since I was able to get myself up early and get into the gym for a workout. After that I called her up... or did she call me? I forget. I went to her house and we spent most of the afternoon raking a ton of leaves in her yard. I also climbed on the roof and cleaned out the gutters. They were a mess. After finishing the yard we relaxed with a glass of wine. Then Carolyn told me she had evening plans with some friends (no male friends) so I figured I would call it a day by five. I was beat anyway.
On the way home I stopped at the bar and had a couple more glasses of wine. Nothing big, but I did get to see Coleen there with her boyfriend. She gave me a big hello but I wasn't in the mood to go chitchat with her while she is on a date. It did seem like she was staring my way a lot. She probably really wasn't but I'll just have my little fantasy and leave it at that.
Saturday I had planned to move my boat from it's summer spot to it's winter slip in the marina but I convinced myself it was too windy. I told Carolyn that if we can get all the leaves done I would expect her to come and help me with the boat on Sunday. We didn't even come close. I figured if she was going to finish the yard work on Sunday I shouldn't even consider asking her for help. My bro-in-law Kenny helped me instead. That got done and by one o'clock we were watching the football game.
Fast forward to 10 PM. I'm home on the couch and my phone rings and it's Carolyn. She was passing by on the way home and though she could stop in. Sure I'll open a bottle of wine. Her first question was why didn't I call her for help with the boat. Again I feel like I mis-communicated somewhere. I can't quite figure out from one day to the next whether I should consider making her part of what I do. I keep holding back because when we are together I get nothing from her that says she really wants to change our dynamic. But then I'm sitting with her on my couch on a Sunday night. Didn't see that coming at all.
But I still sent her home last night without anything changing. And now I think it's me that is hesitating.