Last night was the worst

Judi is getting worse and worse. Obviously her cancer is progressed to the point where she will not recover. Now the best we can hope for is she gets a little better and has some more time. Every day seems precious now. She is still in ICU and not responding to any treatment. Right now she is on so much morphine she can only barely recognize what's going on.

Last night at 10:30 I went to Lisa's house and she is so upset she was sobbing. I feel so helpless. Words don't come. I want to hold her and tell her it will all be alright but I can't. It's obvious that it's not alright. Her sister is dying and there is nothing we can do or say to change that. Lisa called Judi's oncologist (cancer doctor) and her told Lisa in brutal honesty that Judi is getting the best care available. Judi's cancer has spead to her liver, kidney's and is in the sacks and fluid around her heart. Finally at 1 o'clock her told Lisa he needed to go to sleep and practically hung up on her. She was just crying and crying until 2 a.m. and then I needed to go home. She was probably up all night. I wished I could stay but I was feeling very tired and helpless at that point.

Last night Lisa's other sister sent this out in an email; "Judi needs everyone's prayers right now!  Please pray in Jesus Name for her recovery and for peace for Judi.   Thanks Everybody.  We love you all!   Ellen" I guess that's all we can do.

 

Lisa's sister is still sick

Judi is still in the ICU and still on a respirator. I spoke to Lisa 3 times last night and we were going over what she was told by her friend Powell. who is a doctor and an expert in the field of cancer research. He pretty much said that Judi is pretty much into the last stage and recovery was not likely. Basically Judi is dying. God, this is so awful. Judi is only a year older than I am. I'll be there for Lisa but I get the feeling she will not look to me for comfort. I think she would rather I stay away from the hospital.

Hospitals seem to be a recurring theme right now for me. Tracy is having her knee 'scoped today. I called her yesterday and we spoke for a while. I will call her again late tomorrow and hopefully her surgery will go as planned and she can talk to me. I'm really starting to feel like she likes me. I'm not sure how to take things but I've always felt like there might be interest in me on her part. Her recovery from surgery should be pretty quick.... 2 weeks to a month. I'll keep calling her and see how things progress. 

It's really an odd feeling how I have to deal with something really bad at the same time I finally might have something really good.  

Lisa's family crisis

Oh God, this is real bad. On Saturday, Lisa's sister Judi went to the emergency room because she was having trouble breathing. Judi has cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy. At first they thought she was only dehydrated but it turns out she was having fluid built up around her heart and lungs. On Monday they did surgery and right now she is in ICU and on a resperator. Her cancer is in the 4th stage which is about as bad as can be. Obviously they have to suspend chemo and I'm not sure what the prognosis is for her current condition.

Last night I was with her family at the hospital. Everyone was very upset and feeling very helpless. I wish I could be stronger but I really don't know what to say. I didn't realize how close I feel to them. It's really hard.

Things worked out this weekend

I guess Thursday was the calm before the storm. I was really buzy.Friday night I left work and went right to happy hour. Didn't even stop at home. Met Janet there which was nice although I ended up buying drinks for all of her friends and ran though all my money in about 2 hours. Janet is real nice but she just isn't getting any closer to me and I just think I should relax when it comes to hanging out with her. I keep trying to impress her and that's just too much for me.

So after I'd spent 2 hours enjoying myself I got a message from Tracy who was heading out to the same place I was but didn't know it. I called her back and told her I'd wait until she got there. But by then I was broke and tired and really needed to get home. So I had a drink and a short conversation and we agreed to go sailing on my boat the next day. I said good-night by 10.

So you would think I would just call it a night and go home... but no!.I called Lisa and she and I shared some wine on the front steps of her house until around midnight. I told her all about Tracy. I told her Tracy would probably only be on my boat until about 6. We made plans to take an have dinner after Tracy went home. We just sat and talked. Went home like a good boy. Ugh!

So Saturday tried to get up early but couldn't. I needed to get food for the boat and everything took longer than I'd expected. See, if I was smart I would have done all this the night before instead of going out. So I ran a little late but we finally got away from the dock by 2. There was too much wind so we just motored out and dropped anchor and relaxed and talked.

It's been so long since I'd been close to any girl I am still struggling with how to get past the talking and on to kissing. It probably didn't help that one of Tracy's guy friends came by with his little boat. I think they might have a "friends-with-benefits" and he was making sure I knew he was around. So we just spent the day hanging out. We had lunch and were out for about 4 hours then went back. I guess I should have not had Lisa lined up to later that evening because we were really having a good time. I could see that Tracy wanted to stay so I just went with it. I got in touch with Lisa who was having a family crisis so she wouldn't make until late anyway. Tracy and I had dinner and Lisa showed up around sunset. So we all were on the boat at the dock until around 11. That's right. I had 2 girls on my boat which to some might seem very enticing. But to me 2 girls are the same as no girls when it comes to me trying anything. Not only that, but it seemed like neither one was about to leave until they knew the other one was going. So no chance to be alone with either Tracy or Lisa. Probably wouldn't have mattered.

Day off.... I wish

I had to make it in today so my thought to take the day off was squashed. So of course it's one of the nicest hot days of the year. 90+ degrees but low humidity.

Last night I enjoyed drinks sitting at the dock alone. Sort of depressing since I was hoping Tracy might be coming. She left a message on my cell that I didn't get. So I spend a long time in the car trying to do self affirmations and by the time I got home I was in a much better place. So even though I'm in the office I feel pretty good. The day's events have helped.

I called Tracy and we are set for Saturday on the boat. She has seasick issues so we will see how she handles the boat. I'm not sure what to prepare for. I've been told that she is a little bit of a Jewish-American Princess but also she a little sporty - skiing and tennis. My guess is she is somewhere in between. She is outgoing and likes to laugh so I am really looking forward to enjoying her company.

Finally spoke to Lisa for the first time all week. She is anxious to go sailing too .... wants to go for Saturday night. Leaves me in a dilemma. I could have told her I'm going out with Tracy and will probably roll that right into Saturday night. I didn't. I really want to see Lisa. Ugh! Stupid. What am I trying to do? I should just clear the entire Saturday to spend with Tracy. But I have a feeling Tracy will be bailing on me around dinner time.

Alone last night

Went to the boat last night and got out the dinghy. Tooled around the bay. First time the engine was used in 2 years. Started on the second pull. Couldn't stay out long as the thing has no lights. After sunset the moon came up almost full. Beautiful evening. Warm, no breeze, just a quiet night on the bay. I felt very alone though. No one to share it with just made me more and more sad. Very lonely moment. Still more joy than sad. Great to be able to see it even if I'm the only one to appreciate a moonrise on the water. Going to do it again tonight except I may take the sailboat out ... maybe overnight! Work tomorrow might be sacrificed.  

Shari

A long, long, long time ago I fell in love for the first time. It was during July so I still often think about it around this time of year. I was still in college and working in a local grocery store. I hadn't ever been in love or even been kissed really. Just spin the bottle when I was 12. So even though I was over 20 I still had no clue. Sometimes I think if it weren't for Shari I would never had known real affection.

She was younger than I was. Still in high school. So young in fact I almost ignored her as a possibility. She was very hot though. Big chest, long blond hair, and green eyes. She also seemed like she knew alot. We had been flirting but this was different. I sensed she liked me right away. One Saturday there was a group going out after work and I said "you are going without me?". Shari said "You're coming.... you must come with us". So I guess you could say she asked me out.

So we went to the movies and it was a sad ending.... I think it was the movie version of "Hair". She cried. I was touched. No one really showed that much emotion to me before. That night in front of her house I got kissed for the first time. I was shocked. Shari really made it happen. I wasn't ready at all. I just said "I love you". It just came out. I doubt I meant it. We said goodnight. I went home thinking about how I wanted to see her again .... really just more kissing.

We spent every day together until the end of the summer. One rainy afternoon we were alone in her room .... her parents were away for the day. We were making out but for a change she wasn't stopping me. Bit by bit the clothes came off and we were naked on her floor. I must have been really nervous as we never had sex that day. I found out then that we were both virgins. This was the first time I'd ever been naked with someone. I felt scared and safe all at once. I'm pretty sure this was the moment I really fell in love with her. I can still remember the sound of her voice as she moaned while I was touching her all over.

After a while we just sat in the dark naked just talking. It was strange how comfortable it was.