I had a lot of time to myself last night. Not really sure if that is a good thing or bad. I found myself thinking about how I kind of told Lisa I still have hopes for her, which I'm sure she is reacting to by pretty much putting some space between us. While I've always known she will never look to me for anything sexual I will never be able to understand why she needs me to be so close to her all the time. I don't think this is the reason but I often wonder if that is keeping me from getting close to someone who will see me in that light. I haven't had any affection in so long it's scary. The prospect of one day having that is all I have left.
I guess this will be a short post today. There isn't much more I can say. Things get better a little each day. I feel connected to so many people but then I'm alone so much. Maybe somewhere deep inside that is how I want it. But I long to be touched. What I wouldn't give just to have someone hold my hand.
In closing I'd just like to add a thank you to those who commented in my prior posts. It might not seem like much but it does feel good knowing there are people who care enough to give me words of encouragement.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
I do not understand
Bath salts?
I had dinner at my sister's last night because my mom was there and she will be heading home to Florida today and it was my last chance to see her. While there my niece Kate was talking about how bath salts are being added to drugs being used and at Bonnaroo more than half the drugs found there were laced with the stuff. From reading about it's effects it would appear that was the ingredient that may have caused my nephew William to become so different. The description of the drug fits what happened to a tee.
None of this really helps now. But at least I feel a little more like I can understand.
I really want to have things in my life that are joyful and happy, but as I reminisce over the past I feel like all my iconic moments revolve around loss and sadness. Is this what my life is becoming? In the past few years I've seen my best friend Joe die of a heart attack, my ex-wife die from overdose of pills, my dad pass away from lung disease and now my nephew William die. Even when I do find a little excitement it comes tainted with negativity. I thought Carolyn might end up being a good thing, and mostly it is but she is under such a black cloud I don't see that ending well.
Last night after I returned home from my sister's I stopped in and saw Lisa. We relaxed with a cocktail and I told her about the bath salts. It's news to her as well. She uses bath salts to soak in, which is what it supposed to be for. As we sat and talked about life and death I found myself telling her how much she means to me and how I feel. It was not a good moment. I could see she was not responding to it. What I want I'll never have. No matter how lonely she is she is just never going to see me as an option. I know I need to not have those feelings for her and I will try to push them out of my head.
I feel like i need to chase a new dream. I have no idea where that might be.
I had dinner at my sister's last night because my mom was there and she will be heading home to Florida today and it was my last chance to see her. While there my niece Kate was talking about how bath salts are being added to drugs being used and at Bonnaroo more than half the drugs found there were laced with the stuff. From reading about it's effects it would appear that was the ingredient that may have caused my nephew William to become so different. The description of the drug fits what happened to a tee.
None of this really helps now. But at least I feel a little more like I can understand.
I really want to have things in my life that are joyful and happy, but as I reminisce over the past I feel like all my iconic moments revolve around loss and sadness. Is this what my life is becoming? In the past few years I've seen my best friend Joe die of a heart attack, my ex-wife die from overdose of pills, my dad pass away from lung disease and now my nephew William die. Even when I do find a little excitement it comes tainted with negativity. I thought Carolyn might end up being a good thing, and mostly it is but she is under such a black cloud I don't see that ending well.
Last night after I returned home from my sister's I stopped in and saw Lisa. We relaxed with a cocktail and I told her about the bath salts. It's news to her as well. She uses bath salts to soak in, which is what it supposed to be for. As we sat and talked about life and death I found myself telling her how much she means to me and how I feel. It was not a good moment. I could see she was not responding to it. What I want I'll never have. No matter how lonely she is she is just never going to see me as an option. I know I need to not have those feelings for her and I will try to push them out of my head.
I feel like i need to chase a new dream. I have no idea where that might be.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Coping
My nephew died. He was 20 years old and had his whole life ahead of him. He killed himself. I am beyond grief. My poor brother is heartbroken. I want to write a big long post about it but I'm not sure if I can. But I'll just give some details just so I can remember what happened.
A month ago my nephew went to Bonnaroo, which is a three day music festival in Tennessee. He had gone 2 years ago and enjoyed it and was fine. He went with his older sister. They also had many other friends there. But something happened. While there he took LSD. When he came home he was changed. He could not shake out of this depression. I only found out about this after he died. The depression was so bad my brother had him in a hospital for three days. The prescribed medication and therapy. After three weeks he seemed to be doing better. No one thought anything like this would happen.
On Monday night he came home from work at about 10 PM. My brother checked on him in his bedroom just before going to bed. He was playing his guitar and was on his computer. Everything seemed fine.
A little past midnight my brother was awakened by a phone call from someone who read a post on facebook from my nephew where he seemed to say good bye to everyone. Before my brother and sister-in-law could even get down the stairs of the house there was a pounding knock on the door. It was the police and emergency ambulance. Someone had made a 911 call from the house. It was my nephew's last act. The police found him in the garage. We was gone.
We are not sure how long he planned to do what he did, but we think in was an impulse brought on by the depression. We will never know if he planning for a few minutes or a few weeks. We only know that at that moment his pain was more than he could bare.
I don't understand it. He had so many friends and had so many plans for his life. He was about to finish college. He was a good student. He wanted to go to Italy and was learning the language. He could play the piano and guitar. He was in a band he helped start. He was writing songs. He was learning how to brew his own beer. He had 2 summer jobs. He never seemed like he would ever do this.
I am in shock. I may never get over this.
A month ago my nephew went to Bonnaroo, which is a three day music festival in Tennessee. He had gone 2 years ago and enjoyed it and was fine. He went with his older sister. They also had many other friends there. But something happened. While there he took LSD. When he came home he was changed. He could not shake out of this depression. I only found out about this after he died. The depression was so bad my brother had him in a hospital for three days. The prescribed medication and therapy. After three weeks he seemed to be doing better. No one thought anything like this would happen.
On Monday night he came home from work at about 10 PM. My brother checked on him in his bedroom just before going to bed. He was playing his guitar and was on his computer. Everything seemed fine.
A little past midnight my brother was awakened by a phone call from someone who read a post on facebook from my nephew where he seemed to say good bye to everyone. Before my brother and sister-in-law could even get down the stairs of the house there was a pounding knock on the door. It was the police and emergency ambulance. Someone had made a 911 call from the house. It was my nephew's last act. The police found him in the garage. We was gone.
We are not sure how long he planned to do what he did, but we think in was an impulse brought on by the depression. We will never know if he planning for a few minutes or a few weeks. We only know that at that moment his pain was more than he could bare.
I don't understand it. He had so many friends and had so many plans for his life. He was about to finish college. He was a good student. He wanted to go to Italy and was learning the language. He could play the piano and guitar. He was in a band he helped start. He was writing songs. He was learning how to brew his own beer. He had 2 summer jobs. He never seemed like he would ever do this.
I am in shock. I may never get over this.
Monday, July 9, 2012
5 days of no work
I'm back. I was away from the office for the weekend after 4th of July. It was basically just me alone other than those moments where I went out. That's not totally true but to me it feels that way.
I saw my sister on July 3rd. It was hot so I invited her to come out on the boat with Lisa and I. Lisa was going then not going then suddenly she was. This is starting to become typical.
So after spending the entire day enjoying the swimming off the boat I went to my sister's for barbecue and Lisa went to her sister's. So I didn't see her at all for fireworks.
At 7:30 I have a boat load of mostly family go out to the harbor and see the fireworks. It was a good show. Not a single stressful moment even though there are more people on the boat than I can count. It looked like everyone had a good time, I know I did. As the fireworks ended God added a little lightning to the show. So we wasted no time getting back to the dock, but my good luck held out as the showers went east of us.
The next harbor over got the storm. I mention this because in the news the next day was the tragic store of a boat the capsized and sank. Three children died. The boat was almost as big as mint, 34 feet. But there were 27 people on boat, twice as many as I had. There were also caught in the storm and on top of that the boat was not a sailboat, but a power boat with an elevated cockpit. I'm sure all those things had a lot to do with it.
So that accident has me thinking a lot about how quickly things can go wrong and adding to whatever stress I get. But I also have years of experience and should know better. I spent the rest of my time using the boat as much as I can. It has been extremely hot so it has been the best relief other than the A/C at home.
Thursday night I was home alone, as I was all day Friday. At night I joined Lisa and her sister Ellen at an outdoor oldies concert. That was fun but it was an early night.
The rest of the weekend kind of went along without too many things worth writing about. I did see Carolyn, but only briefly. We made a plan to go boating, but she has too many obligations to commit to anything. We may get together one night this week.
I saw my sister on July 3rd. It was hot so I invited her to come out on the boat with Lisa and I. Lisa was going then not going then suddenly she was. This is starting to become typical.
So after spending the entire day enjoying the swimming off the boat I went to my sister's for barbecue and Lisa went to her sister's. So I didn't see her at all for fireworks.
At 7:30 I have a boat load of mostly family go out to the harbor and see the fireworks. It was a good show. Not a single stressful moment even though there are more people on the boat than I can count. It looked like everyone had a good time, I know I did. As the fireworks ended God added a little lightning to the show. So we wasted no time getting back to the dock, but my good luck held out as the showers went east of us.
The next harbor over got the storm. I mention this because in the news the next day was the tragic store of a boat the capsized and sank. Three children died. The boat was almost as big as mint, 34 feet. But there were 27 people on boat, twice as many as I had. There were also caught in the storm and on top of that the boat was not a sailboat, but a power boat with an elevated cockpit. I'm sure all those things had a lot to do with it.
So that accident has me thinking a lot about how quickly things can go wrong and adding to whatever stress I get. But I also have years of experience and should know better. I spent the rest of my time using the boat as much as I can. It has been extremely hot so it has been the best relief other than the A/C at home.
Thursday night I was home alone, as I was all day Friday. At night I joined Lisa and her sister Ellen at an outdoor oldies concert. That was fun but it was an early night.
The rest of the weekend kind of went along without too many things worth writing about. I did see Carolyn, but only briefly. We made a plan to go boating, but she has too many obligations to commit to anything. We may get together one night this week.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Independently Free.
And here comes another holiday. Tomorrow is Fourth of July. I will be out of the office Thursday and Friday as well. I'm not sure how I will spend my time away from the work, but I'm going to try and enjoy all that I can. No one will be off that i know if so I will be flying solo pretty much like always.
Last night I had a total me time, as I grabbed my book and read while also watching a great sunset, followed by a moonrise. It makes me say to sit alone for these things but that is how is has to be then I accept it. At least I'm in a place where I can have a serene moment.
Prior to heading down to the water Lisa called me. She needed to borrow a small fan that was hoping would keep her laptop from over heating. I would have like her to join me but she had pretty much planned a quiet evening at home. Perhaps it's a good thing as we have spent more than enough time together. I need to give her more time without me around.
I have made plans to see my sister over the holiday. We are planning to use the boat during the day and then barbecue with the rest of the family at her house. Then everyone will jump on the boat for the fireworks. I only home we don't over crowd the boat again. Seems like all the kids want to bring a friend, and everyone is getting older and bigger. Makes for a very messy scene, especially for me. I try not to get stressed but I do anyway. With all these people coming I have pretty much decided none of my friend are being invited. It really isn't something they want anyway. Problem is that leaves me with the task of driving the boat and also trying to entertain. I had hopes that Lisa would come aboard, but she seems to want to do things with her own family.
So I get to spend my Independence Day totally independent. I will once again make an effort to get some pictures.
Last night I had a total me time, as I grabbed my book and read while also watching a great sunset, followed by a moonrise. It makes me say to sit alone for these things but that is how is has to be then I accept it. At least I'm in a place where I can have a serene moment.
Prior to heading down to the water Lisa called me. She needed to borrow a small fan that was hoping would keep her laptop from over heating. I would have like her to join me but she had pretty much planned a quiet evening at home. Perhaps it's a good thing as we have spent more than enough time together. I need to give her more time without me around.
I have made plans to see my sister over the holiday. We are planning to use the boat during the day and then barbecue with the rest of the family at her house. Then everyone will jump on the boat for the fireworks. I only home we don't over crowd the boat again. Seems like all the kids want to bring a friend, and everyone is getting older and bigger. Makes for a very messy scene, especially for me. I try not to get stressed but I do anyway. With all these people coming I have pretty much decided none of my friend are being invited. It really isn't something they want anyway. Problem is that leaves me with the task of driving the boat and also trying to entertain. I had hopes that Lisa would come aboard, but she seems to want to do things with her own family.
So I get to spend my Independence Day totally independent. I will once again make an effort to get some pictures.
Friday, June 29, 2012
What I planned to say yesterday.
I spent the better part of Wednesday getting the engine running on my boat. I had a service guy coming to look at it since I couldn't seem to figure out exactly what happened. Since I needed to be there I figured I would get my dinghy inflated and into the water. That process takes a bit of time and energy. I got that done but it was not easy. I was just about finished when the repair guy arrived. It wasn't more than 15 minutes before he knew exactly what the problem was. There was water in the diesel fuel. A lot of water. He told me I should pump out the tank with a hand pump and change out the filter. Since I didn't have either one on board and I was paying the guy $75 per hour I figured I would let him go and get it done later. I called the parts place and they had the filter, then I borrowed a pump and by 5 o'clock the engine was running. I was exhausted by this time. By the time I cleaned up the boat or mostly cleaned it up, I was sweaty and smelled of diesel fuel. So naturally I went down to the bar and had a drink. I needed it. It was a long day.
My boat is now up and running and I can pretty much look forward to a summer of being out on the water. I'm fairly confident it will be fine from here on out. I just hope I can relax and enjoy it with people. The forecast is for hot and sunny this weekend and then there is the Fourth of July. Not sure how that's going to be.
I can go to my sister's pool for her barbecue but if I have my way I would rather be out on the boat. I really want to bring Lisa but she may decide to bow out from virtually everything. I'm not really sure how she is right now. When she first moved into her new place, which is only a few dorrs away from my home, we were seeing each other every day. I was starting to feel like Lisa wanted my company, but I also don't want to start a pattern where I wait for her to call and just go there every night. So this week I only paid her a visit once and just for an hour of so. I sort of wanted to be in my own space a little so I glad to not go there.
But it is Friday and I'd really like to plan something around Lisa. I know I shouldn't and Lisa hasn't made her Friday night open to me so I need to consider whether she even wants to be around. I may just take a ride down to the boat and relax there for a little while.
My boat is now up and running and I can pretty much look forward to a summer of being out on the water. I'm fairly confident it will be fine from here on out. I just hope I can relax and enjoy it with people. The forecast is for hot and sunny this weekend and then there is the Fourth of July. Not sure how that's going to be.
I can go to my sister's pool for her barbecue but if I have my way I would rather be out on the boat. I really want to bring Lisa but she may decide to bow out from virtually everything. I'm not really sure how she is right now. When she first moved into her new place, which is only a few dorrs away from my home, we were seeing each other every day. I was starting to feel like Lisa wanted my company, but I also don't want to start a pattern where I wait for her to call and just go there every night. So this week I only paid her a visit once and just for an hour of so. I sort of wanted to be in my own space a little so I glad to not go there.
But it is Friday and I'd really like to plan something around Lisa. I know I shouldn't and Lisa hasn't made her Friday night open to me so I need to consider whether she even wants to be around. I may just take a ride down to the boat and relax there for a little while.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Boat fix tomorrow - I hope.
I have a boat mechanic coming to see why my engine won't start. I hope it's something that can be resolved quick and easy. Having the boat out of commission in July is as bad as it gets. I feel like there are only 10 to 12 good weekends on a boat and to lose any is precious. Lucky I have some funds to get anything done that isn't huge. With luck I'll be sailing by Saturday because temps are predicted to be in the mid to high 80's.
Last night I made a conscious effort to relax at home alone. I am starting to feel myself getting used to the idea of going over to Lisa's and just making myself at home. She eventually gave me a call at about 9-ish. While she sounded a little lonely she knows the same thing. We need to live in our own space and not start becoming interdependent. When I mentioned planning something later in the week she was a little evasive. Best we could do was Friday.
I called my mom in Florida this morning just to catch up on things. She reminded me of what I already know. She told me she likes Lisa, but she is a little flaky and I need to make my own way. I think her exact words were don't fall in love with someone who is never going to commit to me. I think when my mom gives me advice she thinks of me as 15 and not the adult that I am. It can be a little bizarre.
So no work tomorrow as I plan to spend my day at the boat. Hope for good news.
Last night I made a conscious effort to relax at home alone. I am starting to feel myself getting used to the idea of going over to Lisa's and just making myself at home. She eventually gave me a call at about 9-ish. While she sounded a little lonely she knows the same thing. We need to live in our own space and not start becoming interdependent. When I mentioned planning something later in the week she was a little evasive. Best we could do was Friday.
I called my mom in Florida this morning just to catch up on things. She reminded me of what I already know. She told me she likes Lisa, but she is a little flaky and I need to make my own way. I think her exact words were don't fall in love with someone who is never going to commit to me. I think when my mom gives me advice she thinks of me as 15 and not the adult that I am. It can be a little bizarre.
So no work tomorrow as I plan to spend my day at the boat. Hope for good news.
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