Absolutely nothing has happened this week. I've barely spoken to anyone. As I become more lonely I seem to get more isolated. But I need to not go to the same places and doing the same things as this has not gotten me anywhere. I know that before I can let in the new I need to purge some of the old. So I sit and ponder my options. I have sent emails to friends and had a conversation or 2 but other than going to the gym I haven't done a thing. And no one has called me. And no one is including me in their plans.
Maybe it's just everyone is doing their Christmas shopping. I still need to do that although I have not even compiled a list for who I need to buy for. It feels like no one will be looking for my presents under the tree this year. I'm sure this is just a down year and maybe even just a slow week. I've been down this path before and always been able to find myself a new way.
I'm sure it's just perception and not really anything has changed. Who knows ... it could all be different by tomorrow. I don't have any idea what I'm doing tonight after work. I am working from my living room so what ever I do it can start right at 5. I don't really want to go to the bar for happy hour but with no other options I may just go down there. I need social contact or I will go buggy. Maybe I'll get a call like I did last week.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I need a Plan B
Heard from Coleen last night. She sent me a text that said "Not doing very well". Didn't know what to make of that so followed that up by talking on the phone. It seems that her "friend" Tommy has a brother who was shot and killed by the brother's son of all people last week. This happened somewhere upstate so it wasn't really big news around here, but it was in the paper on page 20. I must have missed it. She said she was at the wake last Friday night but not the funeral. At least I know where she was on Friday and why she went so quiet all weekend.
I'm not sure how I handled myself during this discussion. I didn't know the brother and I barely know Tommy so I didn't make the pretense of telling her to say anything or even to say sorry to her. I just mumbled something about it's 2 years since the ex-wife has been dead. Then I asked how he was and she said he hasn't even called. Clearly she was upset but not wanting to talk too much about it. She has been dealing with a chest cold that has not gotten better in almost 2 weeks. I reminded her she should get more rest. Last thing she said was I should call her tomorrow after work. I wish I hadn't said I would.
Before I spoke to Coleen I had been on the phone with Chris. I was wondering if he had gone to the bar on Sunday to see football. He said he did briefly and didn't do much else. We are trying to come up with Plan B - Plan A was the singles event from last month. He said he went to some kind of workshop for people struggling with loss of relationships. Then he went to see music in a new place. I said I'd like to go to that next time ... the music not the workshop.
That covers my whole evening. I never did talk to anyone else. Not even by email during the day. I considered calling Janet just to say hello and again say thanks for dinner on Sunday. I thought better of it. I'm starting to use her like she is my fake girlfriend and I think I should leave it alone. We both know how it is.
I'm not sure how I handled myself during this discussion. I didn't know the brother and I barely know Tommy so I didn't make the pretense of telling her to say anything or even to say sorry to her. I just mumbled something about it's 2 years since the ex-wife has been dead. Then I asked how he was and she said he hasn't even called. Clearly she was upset but not wanting to talk too much about it. She has been dealing with a chest cold that has not gotten better in almost 2 weeks. I reminded her she should get more rest. Last thing she said was I should call her tomorrow after work. I wish I hadn't said I would.
Before I spoke to Coleen I had been on the phone with Chris. I was wondering if he had gone to the bar on Sunday to see football. He said he did briefly and didn't do much else. We are trying to come up with Plan B - Plan A was the singles event from last month. He said he went to some kind of workshop for people struggling with loss of relationships. Then he went to see music in a new place. I said I'd like to go to that next time ... the music not the workshop.
That covers my whole evening. I never did talk to anyone else. Not even by email during the day. I considered calling Janet just to say hello and again say thanks for dinner on Sunday. I thought better of it. I'm starting to use her like she is my fake girlfriend and I think I should leave it alone. We both know how it is.
Monday, December 6, 2010
More Talk and No Action
I want to write something significant but I'm not sure if I can make anything coherent out of today's thoughts. I never did watch any football yesterday. Instead I spent the day with Janet at her house. We put ornaments on her tree and she cooked dinner.
We shared some beer and then some wine and we talked and talked. We got into some personal things that I never expected we would talk about. Things started with me and how I am trying real hard to find someone special in my life. Then at some point we talked about her and what her issues are. Seems she hasn't really been open to anyone in quite a while. She only seems attracted to men who are much younger than she is. She also mentioned something about waiting out someone who is married. I don't know if it was the smart thing to do but I never asked her to name names or any details. It was probably the drinks but it was interesting to see her open up about where she is going with her life.
One of the things that we seem to have a constant topic about is how she feels that she expects never to retire and will work well into her 70's. That's pretty far away but not so far she shouldn't be preparing for it. I am at least thinking about my retirement although there are more than 10 years of work before that day comes. From there she talks about how she expects to always be on her own with no thought of a man to spend her life with. This always shocks me since I know she is attractive and probably has been approached by men all the time. She says she can see me with someone before she can picture it for herself. She also adds the caveat that it would never be us together. Then she says she could see how she could have a man spend the day with her just like we were doing.
Like I said ... we were into maybe our third glass of wine so it became a very odd talk from that point on. I went on and on about how I have to find some romance somewhere and I was now willing to put my heart on the line. She was saying I have taken all the steps I need to and now I need to just let things happen a little.
So I left her house at about 9 PM and still wondering what to feel. We don't have that thing but we can sit together all weekend and it's very comfortable. I was really glad to have not gone into the bar all weekend but wonder if spending time with Janet is really so great either. There was a point when I first got there where I wanted to only stay an hour and then never made an excuse to leave. It's odd that she wants me there but doesn't want me.
This weekend there was no Coleen at all ... she typically sends me a text just to say hi and to see if I'd come out to watch the football game. But she never did. I was home and wondered about that so I go and send her on at about 9:30. There was no response. I'm trying not to over analyze this but my little brain can't seem to help it. I wonder if she talked to someone and now I am on her shit list. Which may not be such a bad thing. It would certainly be easy to push her out of the picture if she wasn't constant calling me.
It's Monday and that's pretty much it for the day.
We shared some beer and then some wine and we talked and talked. We got into some personal things that I never expected we would talk about. Things started with me and how I am trying real hard to find someone special in my life. Then at some point we talked about her and what her issues are. Seems she hasn't really been open to anyone in quite a while. She only seems attracted to men who are much younger than she is. She also mentioned something about waiting out someone who is married. I don't know if it was the smart thing to do but I never asked her to name names or any details. It was probably the drinks but it was interesting to see her open up about where she is going with her life.
One of the things that we seem to have a constant topic about is how she feels that she expects never to retire and will work well into her 70's. That's pretty far away but not so far she shouldn't be preparing for it. I am at least thinking about my retirement although there are more than 10 years of work before that day comes. From there she talks about how she expects to always be on her own with no thought of a man to spend her life with. This always shocks me since I know she is attractive and probably has been approached by men all the time. She says she can see me with someone before she can picture it for herself. She also adds the caveat that it would never be us together. Then she says she could see how she could have a man spend the day with her just like we were doing.
Like I said ... we were into maybe our third glass of wine so it became a very odd talk from that point on. I went on and on about how I have to find some romance somewhere and I was now willing to put my heart on the line. She was saying I have taken all the steps I need to and now I need to just let things happen a little.
So I left her house at about 9 PM and still wondering what to feel. We don't have that thing but we can sit together all weekend and it's very comfortable. I was really glad to have not gone into the bar all weekend but wonder if spending time with Janet is really so great either. There was a point when I first got there where I wanted to only stay an hour and then never made an excuse to leave. It's odd that she wants me there but doesn't want me.
This weekend there was no Coleen at all ... she typically sends me a text just to say hi and to see if I'd come out to watch the football game. But she never did. I was home and wondered about that so I go and send her on at about 9:30. There was no response. I'm trying not to over analyze this but my little brain can't seem to help it. I wonder if she talked to someone and now I am on her shit list. Which may not be such a bad thing. It would certainly be easy to push her out of the picture if she wasn't constant calling me.
It's Monday and that's pretty much it for the day.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
I can make a good thing bad
Friday night's trip home from work on the train got messed up thanks in part to the LIRR and also my inability to listen to announcements. I was sitting on my train listening to my iPod waiting for the train to leave Penn Station when suddenly all the people on the train started getting up and off the train. I jump up and am told they care cancelling this train and we all need to go to track 18 and get on a substitute train. I get to that train and see no signs of anything so I made the mistake of asking another passenger what the right train is. She said they changed it again to track 14 so I go running over to that and got on. This turned out to be the wrong train although it did go to Jamaica so at least I was going the right way. Problem was my connection left before I got there and the next train wasn't for 45 minutes. This on a Friday ... the only night I ever have some reason to get home.
But I had no real plans as no one seemed to be available. So while on the train I bump into a fellow bar friend Jimmy. And then I get a call from Janet and we made dinner plans. I went from feeling lonely to being thrilled to have a plan. I got home and then I was at Janet's and we shared dinner and she let me pay. Not much more than the usual. We drank wine and talked and she made me leave a little after 11.
It was a nice evening and what do I need to go and do .... I am driving home and I tried to take a short cut home and found the road has been closed so I needed to circle back to get home. In doing this I made the mistake of doing a drive-by Coleen's house and noticed her car was not in the driveway. Means she is shacking up somewhere. Stupid - right. Why am I doing this? At least she hasn't sent me any messages all weekend.
I've spent the rest of the weekend home alone doing more or less nothing. I did catch Bridges of Madison County movie. Since I'd only just finished the book it was a thrill to see the movie again.
Well... kickoff soon so I need to finish this up. Maybe I can find a way to expand this tomorrow.
But I had no real plans as no one seemed to be available. So while on the train I bump into a fellow bar friend Jimmy. And then I get a call from Janet and we made dinner plans. I went from feeling lonely to being thrilled to have a plan. I got home and then I was at Janet's and we shared dinner and she let me pay. Not much more than the usual. We drank wine and talked and she made me leave a little after 11.
It was a nice evening and what do I need to go and do .... I am driving home and I tried to take a short cut home and found the road has been closed so I needed to circle back to get home. In doing this I made the mistake of doing a drive-by Coleen's house and noticed her car was not in the driveway. Means she is shacking up somewhere. Stupid - right. Why am I doing this? At least she hasn't sent me any messages all weekend.
I've spent the rest of the weekend home alone doing more or less nothing. I did catch Bridges of Madison County movie. Since I'd only just finished the book it was a thrill to see the movie again.
Well... kickoff soon so I need to finish this up. Maybe I can find a way to expand this tomorrow.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Thoughts
I finished Bridges of Madison County while riding on the train last night. Probably not an ideal thing for me right now. Made me cry ... yes, I was crying on the train over a book. I'm becoming such a weenie. Still, I did find it to be a good book. I know everyone has seen the movie but I just decided to read it on a whim. I was surprised by some of the differences from the movie. Reading about how love can just happen and to people who are about the same age as I am gives me optimism. I keep worrying that as my life is slipping away I won't feel that kind of thing. I know the book is fiction but it does happen.
So I'll keep trying to improve myself and try to be happy alone while always hoping I can find someone who wants to share a piece of their life with me. I just need to keep looking in different places.
It's been a quiet week and I feel a little more alone than usual. It's Friday and the beginning of the weekend and I want to go out and enjoy myself but none of my friends seem to be willing to do anything outside the usual crap and I'm struggling with that. No one has called me and no text messages ... not even Coleen. I guess she finally realized that I need to have my string pulled anymore. That leaves a pretty big hole in the rest of my life. It's a strange feeling having no one to obsess over. Probably a good thing and maybe it will start to feel normal at some point. I've been here before and gotten myself sucked back in but this time it feels different. More permanent. I keep having conversations with myself about what I'd like to say if given the chance. I'd like to ask how I reached a level of closeness with someone who never wanted more than just casual friendship. One thing that this blog allows me to do is go back to old posts and get a feel for what I was thinking back when I first meet different women. How did I so quickly let myself start to fall for someone and then let it fester for what has now been years. I looked at how after just a couple of conversations with Coleen she was sending me text messages asking me to come out. I guess I was reading so much more into it but I knew within a month she wasn't going for me like I wanted.
Now I want to know better. I had a lot of the same experiences with Lisa and the big difference is Lisa and I talked about it. She told me how she only wanted friendship even though she knew how much more I wanted. She talked of how guilty she felt. I never really understood what that meant except that what ever attraction women look for I don't have. I wish I could fix that and I am trying but nothing has made any difference. As much as I hate being rejected I have rejected more women than I can remember and in almost every case it wouldn't have mattered what the could do to change I would never have felt that kind of attraction. Jami comes to mind. I like Jami and she has indicated to me that she would like to see me in a dating situation but I just can't. I have no feelings for her other than what we are. Friends. But here is what I perceive as different... I don't go to dinner with her. I don't call her just to say hello. I don't put her in a position of being confused about how I might start to change my feelings.
So in my solitude I think about this.
So I'll keep trying to improve myself and try to be happy alone while always hoping I can find someone who wants to share a piece of their life with me. I just need to keep looking in different places.
It's been a quiet week and I feel a little more alone than usual. It's Friday and the beginning of the weekend and I want to go out and enjoy myself but none of my friends seem to be willing to do anything outside the usual crap and I'm struggling with that. No one has called me and no text messages ... not even Coleen. I guess she finally realized that I need to have my string pulled anymore. That leaves a pretty big hole in the rest of my life. It's a strange feeling having no one to obsess over. Probably a good thing and maybe it will start to feel normal at some point. I've been here before and gotten myself sucked back in but this time it feels different. More permanent. I keep having conversations with myself about what I'd like to say if given the chance. I'd like to ask how I reached a level of closeness with someone who never wanted more than just casual friendship. One thing that this blog allows me to do is go back to old posts and get a feel for what I was thinking back when I first meet different women. How did I so quickly let myself start to fall for someone and then let it fester for what has now been years. I looked at how after just a couple of conversations with Coleen she was sending me text messages asking me to come out. I guess I was reading so much more into it but I knew within a month she wasn't going for me like I wanted.
Now I want to know better. I had a lot of the same experiences with Lisa and the big difference is Lisa and I talked about it. She told me how she only wanted friendship even though she knew how much more I wanted. She talked of how guilty she felt. I never really understood what that meant except that what ever attraction women look for I don't have. I wish I could fix that and I am trying but nothing has made any difference. As much as I hate being rejected I have rejected more women than I can remember and in almost every case it wouldn't have mattered what the could do to change I would never have felt that kind of attraction. Jami comes to mind. I like Jami and she has indicated to me that she would like to see me in a dating situation but I just can't. I have no feelings for her other than what we are. Friends. But here is what I perceive as different... I don't go to dinner with her. I don't call her just to say hello. I don't put her in a position of being confused about how I might start to change my feelings.
So in my solitude I think about this.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Walls and Bridges
Last night's solitude was interrupted by a call from my mom. It was a welcome interruption. The phone call lasted some 30 to 40 minutes. I was just in a chatty mood. It was a good release. We talked at length about Lisa and her how she is struggling with her dad's illness. He has Parkinson's and I believe this has made Lisa more distant as she is dealing with her family pretty much full time now. I miss her but I need to let her go.
The rest of my day was uneventful. I am reading The Bridges of Madison County. It's a small book and I'll probably have it done before the weekend. It's hard to read for me now. The idea of reading about a star crossed love probably isn't a good thing. But I've seen the movie and I already know the ending. It is interesting to read about how 2 relative strangers can meet and how the spark of love can fire up so quickly. My experiences have a similar theme in that the only real love I've ever felt became physical almost immediately. The idea that I can expect someone I've known for years to suddenly see me in a romantic light is just not my reality.
So I lose myself in the romantic notions in a book for a few days. I get optimistic just knowing it's possible. Of course it will never happen as long as I am sitting in my house alone reading. So I am starting to give more thought to Plan B. Plan A was going to the sailing for singles event 2 weeks ago. It just seems like all the members of that group are older and mostly in retirement. I have considered getting back into scuba but my experiences were that men outnumber women 10 to 1. Skiing is another possibility. I will keep my eyes open. I may also look into joining a hiking club. I just know that I need to do things that I love and hope that someone finds me interesting. For sure I'm never going to get what I want at the local bar. I've spent way too much energy doing that.
Those are all long term goals but in the short term I need to find something interesting to do for the weekend. I am anxious to try something new. I have some ideas but I may just relax at home for a change while I refocus. I think I can use some me time for a while and let some of the people in my life come to me for a change. Maybe I will just take my camera out and take random pictures. That's the influence of Madison County.
The rest of my day was uneventful. I am reading The Bridges of Madison County. It's a small book and I'll probably have it done before the weekend. It's hard to read for me now. The idea of reading about a star crossed love probably isn't a good thing. But I've seen the movie and I already know the ending. It is interesting to read about how 2 relative strangers can meet and how the spark of love can fire up so quickly. My experiences have a similar theme in that the only real love I've ever felt became physical almost immediately. The idea that I can expect someone I've known for years to suddenly see me in a romantic light is just not my reality.
So I lose myself in the romantic notions in a book for a few days. I get optimistic just knowing it's possible. Of course it will never happen as long as I am sitting in my house alone reading. So I am starting to give more thought to Plan B. Plan A was going to the sailing for singles event 2 weeks ago. It just seems like all the members of that group are older and mostly in retirement. I have considered getting back into scuba but my experiences were that men outnumber women 10 to 1. Skiing is another possibility. I will keep my eyes open. I may also look into joining a hiking club. I just know that I need to do things that I love and hope that someone finds me interesting. For sure I'm never going to get what I want at the local bar. I've spent way too much energy doing that.
Those are all long term goals but in the short term I need to find something interesting to do for the weekend. I am anxious to try something new. I have some ideas but I may just relax at home for a change while I refocus. I think I can use some me time for a while and let some of the people in my life come to me for a change. Maybe I will just take my camera out and take random pictures. That's the influence of Madison County.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Darkness Falls
Time to turn the page on another month. It is now December. I'm hard pressed to remember if anything good has ever happened for me in December so I'm looking at this month with dread. Let me count the ways.
December 2 years ago is the month that wife died. It was also the month that John Lennon was killed. The year John Lennon was killed was also the year my very first girlfriend broke up with me. 30 years ago. I will never forget how much that hurt. It just isn't a time that I find good things happening. Christmas should be such a happy time and for the most part it is. But my feelings of loneliness are always at it's peak right now. I only have my extended family, but they all have their families. I am wife-less, childless and love-less. Seeing family members with all those things are especially depressing. And this year there isn't even anyone I'll be buying something special for. Okay - enough pity party.
I made it into the gym last night and continue to feel energized by it. I can actually look in the mirror and not cringe. I will keep at it as it has become the best thing in my life right now. I was actually looking around thinking I could meet someone there. It's the only place that there are new faces that I can meet. I am also considering trying the the sailing social again in 2 weeks. Maybe this time I'll go without Chris just to see what happens.
December 2 years ago is the month that wife died. It was also the month that John Lennon was killed. The year John Lennon was killed was also the year my very first girlfriend broke up with me. 30 years ago. I will never forget how much that hurt. It just isn't a time that I find good things happening. Christmas should be such a happy time and for the most part it is. But my feelings of loneliness are always at it's peak right now. I only have my extended family, but they all have their families. I am wife-less, childless and love-less. Seeing family members with all those things are especially depressing. And this year there isn't even anyone I'll be buying something special for. Okay - enough pity party.
I made it into the gym last night and continue to feel energized by it. I can actually look in the mirror and not cringe. I will keep at it as it has become the best thing in my life right now. I was actually looking around thinking I could meet someone there. It's the only place that there are new faces that I can meet. I am also considering trying the the sailing social again in 2 weeks. Maybe this time I'll go without Chris just to see what happens.
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