Fear and loathing in Florida

It's Saturday morning and I just drove mom to the airport. She is on her way to NY and I am here alone in Florida taking care of the dog. I have some tentative plans later today so I'm not completely isolated.
Friday night my mom picked up her friend Yvonne and we went to an art exhibit. Yvonne is single and mom wondered if we could click but while she is nice I can't see it as a match. Right from the get go I sense she and I do not enjoy similar interests. She is a say at home and watch tv kind of person. We talked about getting together and I expect I will but not thinking it's for any more than company. You might think in my desperate state I should not be so quick to dismiss but she is a pretty big girl ... probably outweighing even me by 20 or so lbs. Still she isn't a bump on a log ... she was very talkative and for sure I'd like to have some company this week.
My cell phone was very quiet last night. I guess my not communicating with Coleen has finally convinced her to go away. It's been 5 days of no text messages. As time goes by I'm being more and more sure about myself. She was lucky to have me in her life and now that she doesn't it's not such a loss for me. I wish I hadn't let her in so far. I do feel tempted to call and have a talk just to see if I can close things off. But I told myself I would take this time away to re-evaluate things.
I'm a little disappointed that none of my other friends are checking in. I guess they all are doing their own thing and I will be reaching out to them at different points. With mom gone I am just having some alone time and it would be nice to hear from people back home so I am not completely isolated.

Greetings from Florida

I am now in Florida. My life is slowing down as it does when I am visiting my mom. I had a nice long talk with mom and without mentioning specifics I told her about how I am struggling with the single life. It felt good just unloading for a bit.
No more text messages ... that's 2 full days of quiet. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I don't know how I can talk to Coleen now. I'm not sure if she is upset or even know that I am upset. What do I expect will happen? Maybe I'll never have a real conversation and that will be the end of it.
My focus for the next week and a half will be pretty simple ... work on my tan and forget.

If you can't sleep do you still have dreams?

It was another night of struggling to get to sleep. Geez ... I remember how well I used to sleep. I need to get a lot done today so that I can get out of town tomorrow morning. I was up late last night trying to work and part of what I needed to do involved printing address labels. I realized way too late that I had none. So I was up and out the door to Staples at 7:45. They opened at 8 so I was the first customer and I was home by 8:15. It's 30 minutes later and I am about done. Real work starts at 9 so I need to dash this off in 10 minutes.
On the way to Staples at the intersection who do I see coming the other way but Coleen. And she saw me even before I saw her. I think she waved. I waved back. I'm sure she forgot that I'm leaving town tomorrow. I wonder if last night's invite for dinner was the last straw. I hope I can begin to forget while I'm away. A distraction would be nice.
I went to my sister's, my cousin's and Lisa's last night. I had things to drop off or pick up. I made Lisa my last stop in hopes that we could just sit and talk. But she seemed to not want company. Our relationship has become so different. I once could talk things out with her but now she seems to want to distance herself. I guess she confides with Carmine or her sister now.
It's been 10 days since my meltdown and it still hurts. I feel so broken. I know time is the only cure. Holding all this in is really hard. I still have no idea how to fix myself. Funny, I thought I was in a better place. How can I feel this way at this stage of my life... I thought as I got older things would settle in and I would feel more at home with myself. I feel more alone and isolated than ever.

Quick update

I got a new text at 5:30 from Coleen. She wanted to go for dinner with me. I said I was too busy which is partially true. I was out running errands getting my things together for my trip. Her response was "Ok nevermind". I don't know. It feels awful just freezing her out of my life but I'm not wanting to have a conversation about it. Certainly not having dinner as I have no appetite anyway. She doesn't love me so it's hurting me more but I'm just so tired of being fake.

Change of pace

I wish I had a new story with a great ending but my life just never seems to go that way. I am trying though. Yesterday was all about the Sea Cliff Mini Mart. I did the usual walk through the whole event seeing some people I know and some people who knew me who I didn't remember. It's always that way.

I wanted to try to do something different so I spent most of the day trying to talk to different people. I tagged my friend Chris to be my wing man. I was supposed to go to dinner with Roberta and Janet but I had to tell them to go without me so I could continue to chase any women who would talk to me.

So I got myself invited to my friend Nancy's house for a little after party. Nothing really happened except we played darts and I drank too much. At least I didn't drive. It was Nancy, her friend Karen, and 2 other guys they knew that were younger than me. There were points where I felt like the fifth wheel. But I'm putting a bad spin on it. That's Karen in the picture. Somehow I never got Nancy in a picture.

I was just trying to change my dynamic. In my mind any change is a positive especially if my circle of friends see that I have other options. This is a road I've been on before and I can only expect limited success.

BTW ... saw my sister and the first words out of her was that I seem to have lost a significant amount of weight. Non of the right people see it but I'm glad I can feel like I'm able to go to Florida and not feel like a beached whale.

Saturday Night not so live

It's Saturday night and I'm sitting here with the computer for my only company. It's sad but I guess it's better than last Saturday's experience. I did make it out for a fun evening Friday night with Roberta and Janet. We went to hear R & B (Mo-town really) at a place about 30 minutes away. I volunteered to stay sober and be the designated driver. So no drinking for me ... which is a good thing. But I danced anyway and liked it mostly. I'm trying to have fun at least but it isn't easy as my heart still feels wounded. I will not tell them about what happened. They may find out but not from me.
My morning started at the gym ... my workouts are becoming more intense. I have all this angst that I am using to power me. I feel like it's helping my self-esteem as I become more fit. Roberta commented last night that I have lost some weight.
Tomorrow is the annual Sea Cliff Village Mini-Mart. It's kind of a street fair that brings out a lot of people that live in the area and many I've known since grade school. I'll try to take a few pictures that will brighten this sad and depressing story.
Oh and one last note. While I spent a good part of the day hanging out with Roberta and Janet I needed to get down to the boat to get some more work done. While there I got my first text message from Coleen in a couple of days. She asked if I was at the boat. I just replied "yup" and that was the end of that. It's a week of nothing but text messages ... almost everyday. I don't know what she thinks and I'm trying not to care. There - I'm done with that.

What to do?

5 more days and I'll be in Florida. Thank God. I get out of here and spend some time at the beach.
It's been a quiet morning but we are planning to go out tonight on the South Shore to see a R & B band and hopefully I'll get to dance. I've already volunteered to not drink so I can be the designated driver.
I may shutdown the computer at the end of the day and leave it on the shelf for the weekend. Don't be surprised if you don't see a new post until Monday.