We finally did it

It finally happened. After a long, long time I am having sex again. And it is with Lisa. It happened just a little more than a week ago. We had a few starts and stops and I'm not sure if it was her patience or my persistance but in the end with a little help from Viagra we got it done. It started just a month ago when she signed uo on a dating site and was talking to a guy from Connecticut. She told me about it and I didn't know what to make of it. The onlt one she seemed so intered in and he didn't seem like her type at all. I think I told her it just wasn't a good option and I may have mentioned she was looking at something so far away and I was right there. I still don't know what made me do it but she was standing in her apartment looking very sexy and I put my arms around her and we started kissing. There was passion behind it like I'd not felt in a long time. She kept saying should we really do this and I would only say I don't want to stop. But nature being what it is for men over 50 I had some trouble. A coupl of weeks before I scored so sample Viagra but they were not with me and I was reasonable sure that if I left to get one by the time I returned the mood would change. So I did not get it done. So I determined to try again and on Fridat night I made sure I had the pills with me. I met Lisa out and we had some drinks and when it was time to go she said we needed to leave together, even though we had seperate cars. On the way to her house I took the my first Viagra ever. At her house and in her bed I told her. And she sent me home. She was going to be with her sister the rest of the weekend. Yes I was frustrated. Then Monday her can breaks down and she calls me and I had it towed. I thought she would be tired and uninterested. We both had work the next day. Some how we kissed and she gave me a look I can only say said she wanted me. She went into the bedroom and I took a pill and hoped. And it was like BOOM. We were naked and I was ready to go. Before too long it was happening. God, it had been such a long time. I couldn't tell you if it was good or bad. It did seem to take a long time. I don't know if it was a side effect or just me but I was working up a sweat. We started with me on top but we had to switch to doggie, which I had never done. Yes, never did it that way. It was awesome. Lisa got everything I had. Now I know it can happen.

Seeing

I have been dealing with vision problems since I turned 40 or so. Nothing unusual, probably what anyone deals with as they age. First I needed reading glasses and every couple of years or so I would need stronger glasses. Then about 6 years ago I needed glasses for distance. So I began to wear glasses all the time. My last eye visit I told the Optomitrist my left eye was not focussing as well as my right. He looked at it and said I had the slightest bit of catarracts. He told my I should not be concerned about it for some time. Now it is 9 months later and I feel like I am going blind. It has become near impossible for me to read the newpaper. I'm really struggling at work. As I write this blog entry I can't really review it's content because it's just too diffecult to make out.

Hope and Hopelessness

It has been 2 weeks since Lisa and I spent the night together. Since then we have not even discussed it. I wish things could have gone better but before I could even formulate in my mind what I even want Lisa was off to Vermont for a work related trip. While she was there we only spoke once and averaged maybe one tect exchange per day. There was a real distance some of which came from me but most of it was from her. In my insecurity I convinced myself she was having a fling just so she could get the whole event behind her. It's been more than a week and I'm convinced that is exactly what transpired. I also made attampts to push on. I spent a lot of time with Coleen. I even told her what happened because I just don't know what normal sex is for a man my age. It is just something men do not talk about. She did tell me that the men my age she has been with all did not experiance what I did. But she did say it does happen. So last night I realized that I pretty much had drinks everyday of my vacation and I decided to see how things would work alcohol free. I must say there is a difference. So I have now convinced myself that I need to choose between drinks and sex. Getting back to Lisa, when she came home I immediately noticed she had a new name in her life. Someone by the name of Jeff who she met on her trip. She spoke to him on her phone and I could tell by their conversation that there was more than a professional relationship. We talked about it briefly and I am already looking at our night together as a mistake so I wasn't going to get all worked up if she told me any details. In the moment I was just happy to be taken off the hook. She did give me some details but I have this feeling it isn't serious. For one thing Jeff lives upstate. Also his status is some what of a mystery. I noticed over the last few days Lisa is looking at her phone less and less. And then late yesterday she sent me a cryptic email that simply stated "I've made a difficult decision today..." and nothing more. She sent this after I'd left the office so I didn't read it until this morning. Last night she was sending me text messages from after 11 PM until well past midnight. This for her is highly unusual. She goes to bed by about 10 and is typically asleep in a reasonable amount of time. I feel that the other shoe is about to drop but I have no idea what that might be.

Winding down summer already

For some reason I was unable to write anything but a heading for a while. This was an attempt to write about how I finally kissed Lisa. But I wrote about that later. So skip ahead.

Night of nights

So it finally happened. Lisa and I slept together. It took me completely by surprose and I'm not sure it was planned on her part either. It just hsppened. I will start from the biggining. One night in July we spoke of how we are friends and she desire was to not change that. My response was that whatever we do that would never change. Then I switched tactics and said why are we talking and not just making out. So we did. We started kissing in my livingroom and from there we went to the bedroom, but we never took our xlothes off. Not that I didn't try. She stopped things and I watched her leave thinking how close we came. Fast forward to three weeks later. We were outside at a concert in the village. We sipped wine and listened to music. I convinced her to dance and we were having fun like we always do. We called it a night before the end and as we walked back to the car I just spontainiously took her hand as we walked. I've done this before and usually feel funny about it and let it go after a moment or two. This time it just felt natural and we just casually did that all the way to the car. I did not think much of it at the time. We drove back to her house, which is only a block from mine. We had what I thought was a night cap and a little past 10 PM I started to look to call it a night. Before I could leave she said "come lay with me". So I just thought we would watch TV on the bed until she fell asleep. So I took off my shoes and follwoed Lisa into the bedroom. Ahe lays down and doesn't even turn on the TV. So I leaned in and we kissed. Then I realized at some point she had removed her bra. From there things are a little fuzzy. But we rolled around the bed and fell on the floor. We got naked. I touched her. Everywhere. She was hot. She was ready and willing. After 15 years of wanting this it was finally there for me. But my 50+ year old body was letting me down. I had nothing. Maybe it was the alcohol ot maybe I'm just old but I could not get an erection. And we tried everything. Her hand, my hand, her mouth. Nothing. We just fell asleep both not getting what we want. So we just talked in the dark. I told her how sorry I was. Somehow the subk=ject of how we'd gotten there came up. I told Lisa how unexpected this was for me. She asked my why did I held her hand earlier in the night. I said I hadn't even thought about it. If I'd known that was all it took.... but none of that matters now. We fell aseep together and when we woke up I got dressed and when home and fell asleep in my bed for about 2 hours. All I keep asking myself is will I ever be able to have sex again. I mean if I can't do it with Lisa how can it ever happen. I guess I can always see a doctor and get a prescription but things are so spontainious and that kind of thing needs to be planned. So in the last 2 weeks we have slipped back into our old routines. Lisa was away on a business trip only 3 days later and returned after the weekend. We have never talked about what happened and it feels like neither one of us wants to try again. Maybe that is best. Part of me feels like I've finally gotten it out of my system. I just hate to give up.

Cha-cha-changes

A new blog entry. It has been months and months. Which means no one is really reading these but I write for me. The more things change the more they stay the same. The people in my life are all still around although some more and some less.
Carolyn has been reduced to an after thought. I never call her and she doesn't seem to mind. I still see her on occasion as she still keeps her boat in the same marina as me. She came by once to say hello and so did her college age daughter. I thought that was nice but I also figure what is the use.
I see Coleen but she seems to obly respond to me when her boyfriend and her are on the outs. I've decided to maintain some distance becuase she refuses to step up. Like yesterday she texted me about how she wanted to get some lunch, I was home but I'd just had a sandwich. Later she wanted me to come out but by then I was at the movies with Lisa.
Okay, speaking of Lisa. We had an "almost" moment a little more than 2 weeks ago. I had convinced her we needed to kiss and after a little encouragement from me we were making out on the couch. And then we went into the bedroom. But it stopped before we could even get any clothes off. I liked it but I could tell she was hesitating. When I stopped and took a breath she pulled away. It just ended there although it was not as if we were done. She said she just couldn't then. So I let her go home. The entire next day and into the rest of the week she was cold and distant. So I finally called it off. My choice.
Where does that leave me. I don't know.

What is in this for me?

This is my first chance to put anything into this bloggy thing in quite a while. As you can guess I've been keeping busy. Since Lisa has no one any more she now checks with me everyday and we have been spending more and more time together. No romance. The seems more unlikely as ever. It's just not something that we can do. But I still want to see her as often as I can. It seems to satisfy me. I guess I'm older now and I don't feel as frustrated as I might have been even just five years ago. I'm a little sad about that but at least I can truly feel happy with where I'm at.
Lisa had her birthday last week and I did what I could to see that she had a nice day. It wasn't enough as she is still pining over her lost love Mark. I gave her a present and took out for a special dinner. I wanted to get my hopes up but it seemed selfish so I moved forward in life.
The next thing it was Valentines Day and out of nowhere I was contacted by Janet, who wanted to go out if I had no plans. So we did. I took her to dinner and they had a special menu for the occasion. Basically it was special for them as it was about twice as much money as you would pay any other day. We went dutch.
Then I got a phone call from Carolyn. Why can't these women just leave me alone if they have no real interest. I saw her Sunday and she was in the midst of a crisis. It was a cold night and the water was off in her house because some raccoons moved into her attic and made a hole that let cthe cold air freeze her water pipes. I went there but really I'm no plumber. I called an emergency plumber who as far as I know still hasn't fixed it. That's because I left. I'm sure she wasn't happy about that.
And then I get these text messages from Coleen, who wants me to go have dinner. Where is her boyfriend? Really, it is validating that I can take out any of these women but what do I get?

Commitment

What is that? Is it a personal choice that has to be remade every day or can you find yourself committed without even realizing it?
Last night I found myself asking Lisa to join me for dinner. Of course she said yes and we had a great dinner out at a Thai restaurant. During dinner she asked me to accompany her to a work related dinner in three weeks. All I kept thinking about is do I have a suit I can wear that will fit. I want this to be a big deal, although to her it's just a dinner.
So I'm at least committed to that. And I am enjoying whatever else. I know I should keep other options open because I've found myself getting close before and the ultimate result ends with me alone. But this feels different.

What has happened

I need to explain why I have been remiss about posting new entries. Mostly I was dealing with a situation with Lisa. You see, she had a new guy in her life. It isn't as if I was upset, but it wasn't something I felt good about. I didn't want to write about it because it might appear that I could be getting a bit obsessive. So I've ignoring things.
I'd had my suspicions that Lisa and a friend she had a work were becoming more than friends. But this guy, we will call him Mark, he is married. Somewhere in September they made there relationship official. He had separated and they could spend more time together. So I didn't see her nearly as much. This has happened before so I resigned myself to find other friends to spend time with.
Mark was spending more and more time at Lisa's house and I figured the progression would have them living together at some point. Maybe by spring. He was staying with his dad so I saw that as inevitable. I only saw Lisa for a few minutes at Christmas, not even long enough to exchange presents. So the day after Christmas I was at her house to give her her gift. While I was there she got a call on her cell and she took it in the other room. It was lengthy call and I considered heading home. While I was considering this she ended her call and I said I was heading home. She just stood there looking at me shaking. I had to ask what it was three times before she told me Mark was going back to his family. I guess I was more surprised by the timing than anything else.
So I thought I should stay with her until she told me he was coming over to give her some things like her keys. With that I said I needed to not be there when he arrived. I left not knowing if I would hear from her that night. I didn't.
It is now been a week and Lisa is a bit of a basket case. We spent a bit of time together on New Year's. At midnight she just cried and cried. I did the best I could to understanding and sympathetic. Last night I made her dinner and we sat and watched TV. The first night without any drama.
Now I am so conflicted. I still see her as the most beautiful, sexy, and alive person I've ever been around. And I tell her this. But she will not consider me as an option, even as she grieves her broken relationship. And it breaks my heart.

No blogging until something actually happens

No entries for a while. I've been taking the holidays off. If life sends me something worth writing about I'll be back.

Monthly entry - I'll try to blog more.

It has been a very busy month. As I've said before, "living life means blogging less". That has been somewhat true for me lately. My day to day life is about the same. My work has been overwhelming and there appears not end it site. That is until Sandy blew through. Plenty of down time but no electricity and no gas for the car. I spent the better part of a week watching radio. My boat, which road out the storm in the water, made it through fine. I needed to tie it up well and batten down the hatches but in the end it was probably more luck that allowed me to escape with no damage. There was a wind shift prior to high tide so the horrific events that occurred on the South Shore of Long Island were not nearly as bad on the North Shore.
I survived having no lights or heat and now I'm finally back at work, although we don't seem to have a working application system until at least tomorrow, so I don't have very much to do. That why I can blog.
I've had quality time with all the women in my life and I now have very little to do with any of them. I helped Carolyn out with some fuel so she could run her generator. But when the lights came on she didn't have heat. There was something wrong even before the storm, but it wasn't anything I could fix. It seems like she wanted me to come by but I wasn't about to use the last of my gas to look at something I knew I couldn't fix. It isn't as if she would be willing to keep me warm at night.
Lisa had to work at the Red Cross for an obscene number of hours, and while it was a worthy cause, it left me with taking care of her cat. She would text me now and then but I almost never saw her.
There was some bad news prior to storm that I will need to expand on later. Her sister Ellen went to the doctor about a cough she can't seem to shake. The diagnosis may be cancerous lymph nodes. So it is very scary.
Coleen has been coming around although she needs to take a hike. She left her abusive boyfriend, but then went back to him so I really need to let her be.
Janet called me to ask me to come out for a drink but I had only just gotten the lights on so I said no.
All the women would rather sit alone at home in the dark than spend some time with me. I don't think I want to spend any more quality time with any of them.

New Post about old stuff

I seem to be a once a week blogger now. Not sure if that can change but this is the best I can do for now. It isn't as if there is nothing happening. There have been days where I can't keep up with things/
I still spend most of my time lately with Lisa, but Coleen has been also getting my attention. Neither one is ever going to get to be anything but I still can't seem to resist either one.
Even after my feeble attempt at seduction with Lisa she still wants me around. We talk each and every day if only to say hello. At least I don't need to feel lonely.
Coleen and her BF are no longer living together but she has not completely let go. We had dinner out one day last week and it felt like the fastest meal I'd ever had. But when we were in the car afterwards she broke down and told me how upset she was about  it. I just wanted to go home. But I listened and waited for her to calm down. So of course the next night I saw them talking in the bar. I gave up at that point. She texted me Sunday and Monday but I know I should just leave her be. I see from Facebook she went ot dinner at the restaurant her BF likes, so I'm assuming they had a date.
So then we have Carolyn. Poor sweet Carolyn. Still my best chance for sex. At least we have kissed although I'm just not feeling like I want to give her any more of my time. The lat time I saw her was over a month ago, but she called me on Sunday and we made a date for Friday. In my mind I'm going to either sleep with her or just tell her I don't have room for her any more. Is that cold? Probably but I don't seem to care.
I have Friday off from work. Lisa is having an operation to remove a cyst from her foot and I agreed to drive her. She will be off her feet for a few days. I probably should not have made the plan with Carolyn for the same day but it's too late for that.
I expect I'll be waking up alone on Saturday morning no matter what I try. But I'm still trying even if I'm not optimistic.

I got a question.

It's been so long since I've been able to post. Work is consuming all my time and energy. It's been as crazy as any time i can remember. And it's not as if I don't have a lot to blog about either. I've been very busy socially. I don't have time to get into all of it so for now I want to lay out a scenario and ask if I missed something.
Last Friday I took Lisa out for drinks that including dancing. Slow dancing to Sinatra. And lots of drinks that I paid for. Like it was a date. Now I know we are never going to really have a date as we know each other way too long. Still I felt like I wanted to change the dynamic, or at least try. But I wasn't really think of doing anything but take her home and say goodnight at the door. So we park the car and I walk her home, which is only 100 feet or so from my house. Lisa opens her door and immediately goes up the stairs without closing her door, like an invite to come up. I did. For some reason I figured if she wanted me in her house she must want me in her bed. At least I was willing to consider it. So I went for it. I got her in her bed room and laid on the bed. Well, that did not go well. "What are you doing?", she asked. "Trying to sleep with you." I'm not totally sure if that's what I said but I was out the door in about 30 seconds. Which ultimately was fine as I wanted to go home anyway. But I'm thinking, did I do anything different than what any normal male would do? I'm thinking I was assertive and I need to be more that way.

I get distracted so easily.

There is no time in my life for blogs right now. So I will only give highlights. Okay, maybe I'll embellish a little bit.
First of all I have my tooth fixed. Mostly. I have a temporary replacement and I have something more permanent scheduled for October. The temp actually looks better than what I had so I'm good with it. I needed that since my birthday was Thursday and I thought there may be photo-op moments. There really weren't so no pictures for the blog. Sorry.
For my birthday I took a day off from work and spent the day on the water with Carolyn. We had a friend of hers with us as well so I figured we would just enjoy fishing and swimming in the sun. It was a great day weather-wise. We motored here and there and found ourselves anchored off a small island off of Connecticut. This island is a park and there are no people living on it and since it was a weekday it was pretty much uninhabited. I swam onto the beach ... a good 200 yard distance. Carolyn followed and her friend stayed with the boat. We wandered along the beach and found ourselves alone. Before I knew it we were making out in the water like in From Here to Eternity. It was only a moment but for me it made my birthday. Unfortunately it was pretty much downhill from there. Our evening ended with Carolyn and I in my house and rather than stay she chose home instead. Nothing happened. Oh well. At least I put it out there.
Friday I went to work but the plan after work was to see Lisa and go see music. We had some wine and when the music started we danced for the entire time. Lisa was having a ball. I tried to get Carolyn to come but she bowed out. I moved on. I saw Coleen there and she was annoyed at her BF because he bailed on her. More on that later.
Friday night ended with use going to eat with my cousin and her husband. It was so late when got home I just collapsed into bed. I got an early morning text from Coleen to go to the gym. I decided to suck it up and go meet her there. Afterwards we got coffee and she told me she was considering her relationship a lost cause. I figured she was just having a bad day and didn't think any more of it.
After that I was home and I checked in with Lisa. We decided to make a day of sailing. It was supposed to be with her sister and bro-in-law. But they bailed and it was just us. There was no wind so we just relaxed and swam for a few hours. Then late in the afternoon the wind did pick up and we got a good three hour sail in. Lisa was loving it. She knows what to do. I want so badly to have those moments with her turn into something better but it's never happened. I told her about Carolyn and our kiss. No reaction. We ended the night having a nice dinner and again I'm home alone.
Sunday morning I get a phone call early. It is Coleen. She told me she had moved out from her BF's house. She had woke up there and he went off on her about making noise and she just had enough I guess and packed her clothes and left. I'm not sure how that will play out for for the moment they broke up. I ended up spending most of the day with her. I know I shouldn't do that but I just went with it.
So my weekend just had me bouncing around. By Tuesday I can't figure out where any of this is going. I know I've been here before and these things so rarely turn into anything but a distraction.

Toothless

I am having the strangest month. Very manic. I'm up then I'm down, never just in the middle. For starters I'm having some issues at work. Apparently my director has it in his head I am not working up to par. I guess coming in early and working late is not good enough. I'm not going to vent about this too much but I'm feeling a little persecuted.
I went to see a minor league baseball game last week. The event was really about my Uncle Jack, who threw out the first ball. It was fun to see and there were cousins all over the place. The gave was at Coney Island in Brooklyn so that in itself was eventful. I no sooner get off the train when I see 3 cousins and my uncle heading away from the stadium. They wanted to ride the Cyclone, a really old roller coaster, which is a Coney Island icon. Oh and did I mention the first stop I made before this was to order a hot dog at Nathans? Yeah, I ate the hot dog and I joined them and rode the Cyclone. It was fun but it rattled my teeth a bit because I loosened a tooth. Well, not really a tooth, but a cap. Yeah, and it is now gone.
On Sunday I was swimming in the Long Island Sound and somehow lost the cap. It is somewhere at the bottom of the ocean. It's not just any tooth, but one of my front four. There will be no pictures of me for a while. I pretty much look like a redneck.
I hope to get an appointment and get it fixed quickly. At least by Thursday. This ended was was a fairly eventful weekend. It was the strangest thing. I felt like everyone wanted me to join them for something. I was outside on Friday night with Lisa to hear a summer concert. I saw Janet there and she wanted me to go to a new place, but since I had been doing the driving and Lisa and Eleen were not staying out late I begged off. But then she called me Saturday morning and I thought I'd see her later. It didn't happen.
I had planned to sleep in on Saturday morning, but at 7:30 my cell phone started ringing. I figured it was work or something and I ignored it until I finally got up at 8:15. Turns out it was Coleen of all people. She was going to the gym and I knew I should go and of course I wanted to see Coleen. So I went at 9 o'clock and she was there waiting for me. While there I'm getting text messages from Lisa and Janet. It was crazy. Why is everyone needing to talk to me at the same time. And not one of them actually likes my in "that" way.
So I try to take the advice I get and not spend more time than I need to with any of them but I inevitably give in and find myself with some one. Saturday it was Coleen. Sunday it was Lisa. And in between I was getting more text messages from Carolyn.
Nothing is going to come of any of it. I refuse to plan on anything with any of them. Mostly because none of them will commit to anything anyway. I will not get myself to caught up in any of their shit. Yet here I am writing about it all. Maybe things will work out but it just looks like this is how it is. And now to get that tooth fixed.  

I need a miracle to change my ways.

August us half gone and this is just my second post. Oh well, that's summer. If there was any thing going on I for sure would post it. I have not really taken advantage of the warm weather too much and gotten out. Seems like work has taken over my social life for the moment even though I'm not doing too well at the job. I got stuck in the office late the last 2 nights.
I have had some time to think, which is probably never a good thing. But my thoughts lately have been how I seem to follow a pattern of getting myself close to the women I'm attracted to but only as a friend. I sit and wonder if I do this and it isn't just an accident. Like my attraction grows if a woman is just nice to me but not in a sexual way. I don't know how to fix that.
I've also been thinking about the patterns other seem to have. I've been around long enough to see how the women around me seem to repeat the same mistakes just as I do. I'm watching as Lisa gets close to this guy who already has a wife and it feels like she seems like she wants it to go somewhere although it's likely not. Then there is Janet who can pretty much have what ever she wants but she only seems to be attracted to men who are the opposite of what she wants. Guys that don't have a good job and no money and don't seem to care. She said to me recently that she thinks she may be keeping herself from anything substantial without knowing she is doing it. Well, yeah, I see that.
So as I approach another birthday and I am still pretty much in the same position as when I wrote my first post some 8 years ago it may be I will never be able to change anything. I am stuck in an endless loop like an episode of the twilight zone. All I have are these moments in time where someone came into the picture and pushed me off the tracks but in the end I find myself right back where I started.

Rocking this past Tuesday

It's been 10 days since my last post. I've been unable to get to where I need to be to put anything here. The Anon who comments about flushing all the ladies isn't something I don't consider each and every day. With that in mind I went out on Tuesday night to see some music. I knew some older friends that I knew since grade school would be there.

This is Bob. Or Mr. K. He was there with Karen, but I think they are friends. Both were married but no to each other. Still don't know if they just hang out or if there is more. I'm just glad I got out and saw people. Again we all know each other but over the years I rarely ever see them.  This what Facebook has done for us. Now we can keep in touch with old friends and see them some times.

It was a little awkward but for the most part I enjoyed myself. Bob and I were once very close, I was in his wedding party all those years ago. But after he got married we never really had time for each other so I went my own way.

Karen on the other hand is not someone I knew well at all. But she did give me a nice hello and I felt like I was welcome. There was also Leslie Ryan who I wasn't introduced to but she took a picture and posted it in FB. I may try to get it into this but thus far haven't.

So I'm still out plugging away. It's be tough to see summer end. It always goes by so quickly.

The reason I have been so slow to post on here is due to recent bouts of insomnia. Yes. I can't sleep. or at least for the last 5 days or say. But last night I slept really well. I feel like I need to start exercising again. I typically pick that up again after Labor Day. Which is just 3 weeks away.

Are these the good times?

Not too many things went right this past weekend but I've only myself to blame. But even from my mistakes I learn. First of all I couldn't get myself into the office on Friday but I was able to work from home so at least I didn't need to use up a vacation day. It all goes back to Wednesday night when I took Lisa out for dinner. We enjoyed a nice meal at a Thai food restaurant she introduced me to. But when I got home I had one more cocktail and then dragged my ass out of bed and went to work with a wicked hangover. This was Thursday and you might think I would have gotten over it by Friday morning but I had such a bad night sleep I just decided to stay home.
I consider calling in sick altogether. I knew from my last conversation with Carolyn that she would have been available on Friday for a day of boating but waking up I knew I just didn't think I could. For some reason I was holding out for Lisa. I know I need to stop doing that. So I worked from home on Friday and didn't reach out to anyone all day. It wasn't until after 6 that Lisa sent me a text asking if I was interested in going downtown to hear the live music show they have every Friday night. I said I would be there, but she said she was at her sister's and would be down later. I had the feeling she wasn't going to show and I was right. I should feel that way but I did feel a little like I'd been blown off. While I was there I saw Roberta and ended up having a drink with her. It was a pleasant one on one. I briefly saw Coleen, but after a quick hello she disappeared into the crowd. So I watched the music feeling a little alone.
I wasn't feeling like going home so when Roberta suggested doing something I went along and had one drink. I was home by 11. I considered talking to Carolyn. The last time I spoke to her she was in the middle of something and was supposed to call me back but since she never did I'd decided I wouldn't call her for a while. Her fault, not mine. I think.
On Saturday Lisa called me at about 11. She was scheduled to go for CPR training. She told me she was waiting to be picked up by one of her co-workers. I knew what that means. Pretty much every time Lisa says co-worker that means the married guy Mark. It's like her dirty little secret she hopes that no one knows about. Except she let's it slip to me every now and then. So I get to see little tells that can only mean one thing. She suddenly has gin in the house. She doesn't ever drink gin but she said she wanted a change. I know I should mind my own but sometimes I'm too smart for my own good. So when I didn't hear from her at the end of the day Saturday I could only speculate how she was spending her evening. I don't know anything for sure but if it quacks like a duck....
So anyway on Sunday I heard from my friend Chris and we enjoyed sailing for most of the afternoon. Not much wind and not much sun but it was alright. I really want to go on a short weekend trip. I feel like i want to get away.
After the boat was back at the dock I dropped into the bar for a drink. I met Coleen there along with her somewhat annoying friend Barbara. She wanted me to join them at dinner but I told her right up front I was just not up to it. Still she insisted on calling me again to see if I'd come meet them. It's rare for me to say no but I just wasn't interested.
I may have shot myself in the foot but I'm trying to distance myself from some of these women. I've pretty much looked at all the women I know and I've been pushing them all away. I just wish some one new could walk into my life but I know that's not really a solution. I even have Janet sort of waiting for me to get back to her and I've been putting it off. And she might be someone who is most pleasant to be with right now. She has reached out to me twice and I've been somewhat unreceptive. She is probably the one person I need to call back.
Early this morning I started getting texted by Lisa. Really early, like before I got to work. I felt this need to explain why I didn't call her Sunday night, even though there is no reason for us to talk. I have this urge to ask her about what is going on with her "co-worker" friend. Rule number one is: never ask a question unless you are prepared for the answer.

Not very inspired.

I'm having a bit of a down day. It's hard to put my finger on why. Some of it is that I'm still reeling from the loss of my nephew. I called my brother just to see how he was doing and he was unable to talk for more than a few seconds. He sounds like he is fine although from just a short conversation it's impossible to tell. I hoe we can have a longer talk tonight.
I was having although time at work earlier this week but yesterday I took care of what i needed by staying a little late and finishing something. I'm not feeling very motivated right now and want to take a day.
It is probably more that the Mets are in a losing streak? But that can't really set me off, right?
I guess I've been sitting around the house waiting for something to happen. I need to get moving. I guess it's time for me to reach out to friends I haven't spoken to since the funeral. I need more to happen if only so I have something more interesting to put into the blog.

Beautiful Life.

As may have already seen from my prior post I spent my Saturday out with Lisa and her sister seeing KC and the Sunshine Band at a free event. It was a fun relaxing evening. I like Lisa's sister because she and I are the same age (Lisa is 10+ years younger) and Ellen is my biggest fan. She has a husband and three adult children so her life tends to revolve around them. Ellen and Lisa a very close though so they tend to come as a package. Ellen's husband was away visiting his elderly mother so it was just the three of us.
It was tons of fun even though it was so crowded. But it all worked out and we enjoyed our little wine and cheese party before the show. It was a long walk back to the car afterwards and I thought Lisa was about to hit the wall before we got there, but she sucked it up and we made it to the car and home without incident. By that time she was done. I said goodnight to her at her door and that was that.
Prior to that I pretty much confirmed what I suspected, which is that she went out with her work friend Mark on Thursday night. She said she had gone out with "work friends" but I know better than that. I was at her house on Friday and I noticed she had a bottle of gin. Lisa has NEVER had gin before. She claimed it was just for a change of pace but I know her better than that. She had company the night before.
Now I could be wrong about this but I think I'm pretty good about connecting the dots. Especially when she told me that Mark gave the cat a new toy. But he's married, did I forget to mention that? So Lisa still has plenty of time on the weekends because married guys can't commit their weekends. Even when they have a loveless marriage.
While I am fairly sure about what I think I only have suspicions. I'd prefer not to know for sure and Lisa will probably try to keep it that way until something concrete happens, like he leaves his wife. I won't deny that is bothers me. It's just more and more obvious that no matter how things go I'll never be anything significant other than what I am now.
So with that in mind I stopped at the bar on Sunday afternoon. It's not like anything could happen there but I just needed to get out. While there I saw Coleen. She was bitching about her boyfriend, which I honestly don't want to hear about. But she did give me a nice hello and I will always keep a soft spot for her. I wasn't there very long. I was home watching TV by 7 which pretty much sucked.