My struggle

I have been hesitant to add a new post. Things being what they are I don't feel like I pour my heart and soul out right now. I need to keep much of it inside. In fact, I have been keeping much of the things I deal with out of the blog. It can just be so painful. But now I can't seem to be able to think of anything else. I keep reviewing my actions and I so want things to be different. I'll always feel I could have done more. I almost feel like Brenda's death was my responsibility. She always seemed to love me more than I could love her. She never showed those kind of feeling for anyone else that I know of. I really wanted her to let go but she never let go of anything. Not her Mom or Dad or me.

So I have a hurt that won't go away. As if I have a disfiguring scar. How can I ever expect to be loved when I couldn't love the one person who really loved me. I am still hopeful but much less so.

I had dinner with Coleen last night. I still have these warm feelings for her even though I don't think she will ever return them. But I still think she loves me. I just don't know in what way. I've become so focused on her I'm struggling to find other things to do. Trying not to have so much whoa as me feelings.