Sorting things out

I'm sure I've about lost any and all my interested readers. At this point even I find it difficult to stay tuned to what has become a broken record. Still, it's my life and it is the only one I've got so may as well make the best of it.

About 2 weeks ago I decided I wanted to feel better about who I am and how I live. My focus became how my living room is so out of date. Everywhere I looked was clutter. My entertainment unit was old and sagging in the middle. I had CD's laying about with no where to put them. My couches are just chairs with an assortment of blankets atop them. I wanted to make my place presentable. Give myself someplace I could feel good about. So I've been going to Ikea and other stores looking for ideas.

So out went the TV unit. I got myself a shelf system called IVAR and have begun to make changes bit by bit. The thing I like about Ikea is their stuff is modular. I can start with one piece and build on it. Next I want to do something with the couches. I can't really afford new ones but I've been looking at slipcovers. Seems my couches are fairly standard sized love seats. At first I looked online and found some interesting ideas there but then I went to a discount chain and found one marked down to $15. When I got to the register it actually rang up for just $5. "Woohoo" I thought. My luck didn't last long though as when I got home I found it to be for a much smaller chair than I have. But I still think it's a good plan. Probably going to cost about $30 to $40 a chair.

In other news, I had a nice dinner last Saturday with the girls at Roberta's house. Actually was there real late. A bunch of us are making plans for the summer to take some trips on the boat. Some of that was fueled by too much wine, but it would be nice if I could do more on the boat this year. Still at least 10 weeks away from launch.

I got a call from Coleen as I was riding home from work on the train. At first I put the ringer on silent and put the phone away. But it was eating away at me so when I got off the train I listened to her message and called her back. She was with Mark so we didn't talk long. She wanted to make a plan for going out for Indian food, but I refused to make a plan. It was a short conversation and I'm so sick of how flighty she can be. I'm sure her call was more about getting attention from Mark than about how I am. I'm letting go more and more.

Of course I am a little less hopeful because of this. I guess I had been obsessing for so long I still don't know how to be anything else. Which is why I am trying to get my home looking better. Gives me something else to focus or obsess on.

Friday night stuff

For the first time in about 6 weeks I went out to the bar last night. It was good to get out and see some of the people that hang out there. But i also feel like I want to move on to other things. It's just doing the same thing over and over. At this point I could take it of leave it. It was good to see Coleen again but we didn't really connect so I can see the effect of staying away from her. The results are that she wasn't that anxious to find out how I've been. She was in conversation with everyone else it seemed. So to her i was just one of the crowd.

As I am typing this I've just answered the phone and spoken to Coleen. She said she would call and we spoke but nothing serious. I have other plans so I am not seeing her again this weekend.

So I have managed to isolate myself from anything remotely resembling a relationship. It was Lisa's birthday last week and it's Coleen's birthday next week. I haven't seen Lisa to give her her present and when I try to see how Coleen will spend her birthday she just rolls her eyes and doesn't want to even discuss it. So I'll be holding on to her present too.

Daily news

Spent my Presidents Day mostly at home. I want to redo my living room so I went to Ikea for some ideas. I started by getting a new shelf that I will use to create a new entertainment unit. I estimate that will run about $400 I think.

I didn't really talk to anyone all day. My only contact with the outside world came when Lisa sent me an IM when she got home from work. She is back and forth with her boyfriend Carmine. I made the mistake and asked her how her Valentines was. She seems unhappy and is looking for reasons to not be there even though they just signed a lease on a rented apartment. Part of me sees this as the inevitable outcome but I try to get her to work harder at staying together. I still have this deep down feeling that we will end up together. I want to not feel this way.

What's going on

It's still winter... endless winter. I've been spending a lot of time indoors alone. Mostly by choice. I stopped going to the bar which is a good thing. That means I see Coleen less and less. I've decided I need to do that. I still feel like I want to make something happen but as long I continued to maintain the same relationship it wasn't going to happen. So I did see her last Sunday and we spent the day together but then she called me at home one night during the week I needed all my strength to resist making a plan with her. To make sure I asked Janet to dinner for Friday night.

Seeing Janet was good. She might be the most perfect girl I've ever met. There just isn't a hint of romance with her. I can look in her eyes and see nothing there that says she is looking at me as anything more than an old friend. Still we enjoyed dinner Friday so much we decided to have dinner again on Saturday. She cooked and then played Rock Band with her kids. It was fun if not a little surreal.

So now it's Sunday and I've had about as good a weekend as I should expect. But still I wish I could have heard from Coleen. I know it's bad to have these kind of obsessive feelings and I need to make an effort to not have them. I'll need to wait and see.

Old Flame

I had this strange urge at the end of the day at work to google the girl I took to prom way back when. I was shocked to see a website that had her bio and it included a picture. So this is how she now looks more than 20 years later....
I recognized her right away. I forgot how she has such a great smile. I've always wondered if the years were kind to her. I probably never should have found this... now I have the urge to send her a message in an email. Maybe I'll do that someday but not from the place I'm at now. I know she became a mom about 6 or 8 years ago so it isn't as if I want to suddenly stalk her. I'd sooner want to build a time machine and go back to when we were both in love.

More than 10 years ago I was able to find her address and we exchanged a few letters and phone calls. It was great to talk to her but I also found that the girl I dated was now different and not at all like the one I remembered. Still... she is now very successful and I'm sure happy. She was always the smartest one I've ever met and I guess she still is.

Happy birthday to Mom

Today is Mom's birthday. She is in her 70's. Better to not say the exact number. I just spoke to her on the phone. She lives in Florida with dad. My brother Barry is visiting. They are looking for a dead rat that somehow got into the inner workings to my mom's outdoor jacuzzi. Apparently there is a smell issue. Glad I'm not down there for that one. So my birthday phone call was all about that.

I leave for my own visit down there on Saturday. Funny, with the cold and snow we've been getting you would think I'd be all excited about going but I'm not. I'm sure that will change by the time my plane lifts off but for the moment I just feel overwhelmed. I'm concerned mostly about leaving my cat Tigger alone. With Lisa so much farther away I don't expect she can look in on him and I know I need to ask my landlord if they can feed him for me but I still haven't done that. I have to pay the rent before I go so I'll try to do it then. So then he will at least be fed. Maybe I can get my niece Kate to stop in once or twice.

Not much else to mention. No phone call from anyone this week. I guess the whole Coleen thing is about as dead as can be. It is an 'out-of-sight-out-of-mind' thing. I'm sure things will pick up once I return from the trip. Or it won't. She was never going to step up so I've been trying to flip the obsession switch to off as much as I can. The good thing about this is I seem to have enough money for a while.

My weekend

Sorry, but no pictures. I had my camera with me all weekend but failed to remember to take a single picture. I did go meet my friends from the scuba dive club and enjoyed a nice dinner. It is such a different dynamic from my other friends. Very little tension and only talk f good times. I don't know how the future with them will be since I've long ago retired from diving and I am not sure if I want to get back into it.

On Saturday I went to visit Lisa at new new apartment. I was beginning to thing I'd never get invited so when she told me to come I hopped in the car and headed right over. It was nice to spend an afternoon just sitting and relaxing while we talked about what was new. After a while we went to the local mall to try and find pillows for her couch. It gave us something to do. After that we hung out at a Ruby Tuesday. It was there where I confessed to her that I don't know what direction my life was going. She has always known how I feel about Coleen but I have been thinking my place in her life needs to be reduced. it was an interesting discussion although I don't think there was anything that will lead to any changes.

So what happened on Sunday? Not a whole lot. I did get a phone call from Coleen. It was a brief conversation and there were no plans made. There was a promise of a call back later but it never happened. And I'm okay with that. I want to make plans but if she won't be open to it I need to make myself be less available. Let her do what she wants to do and leave me be.

So there is my weekend. Not a whole lot of interaction but it's winter so that can be blamed. I am trying to learn to find contentment in my isolation but my only real consolation is I've stayed well within my budget for the weekend.

To Krissy, thanks for your comments to my last entry. Stay well.