All alone am I

I feel so much more isolated and alone than usual today. Last night I took a ride to my favorite bar for happy hour. I walk in a see Coleen there as I had hoped. She was hanging out with Dave the plumber. I grabbed a seat on the other side of Dave. Coleen looked happy to see me and even had something to give me. Nothing big, just a calendar but I felt special. Even though Dave was next to Coleen and had her ear more than I did I was feeling good.

I was even getting text messages from Lisa for some unknown reason. When i told her I was out she called me. So I went outside and spoke to her. When I returned inside I saw the bf, Mark had arrived. So I guess Coleen and him had resolved whatever what bad over the weekend. I made the best of it and after Dave headed home to the wife and dinner we started a pool game. Coleen played me, Coleen played Mark, and then I played Mark. Mark was actually very chatty and outgoing, which is unusual for him. It would have been really okay had I not wanted to steal his girlfriend away.

So after playing pool, Coleen and Mark started their own quiet conversation and suddenly I was staring into my beer and felt like I was no longer needed. So I finished the rest of my beer and looked to head out the door. I said my goodbyes and left feeling somewhat deflated. If I had any expectations before they are gone now.

So with all the others away until late Saturday I really am feeling like I have no one to talk to right now. Even Lisa has been off-line this week. Now I am working at home so there is no chance of interacting with anyone. My only consolation is it's all temporary.

I spent last night at home feeling very anxious. I was chatting with Lisa most of the night even though she is probably the last person I should go to for guidance. She was encouraging me to call or send a text to Coleen but my little voice said I should let her deal with her own issues and not try to put myself into the mix. I figure I need to let a day pass and perhaps even 2. Although I feel the urge to stop down at the bar after work. That might work. Or am I over analysizing as I've been reminded by readers before.

This is the last day for a week of riding the train. I always look forward to the switch. For some reason I am always climbing the walls after working at home for a week. But then it's night to not have to deal with the city.

I've been thinking about my vacation a lot lately. I have so much time available I can almost take half the summer off and still have 2 weeks for fall and winter. I'm looking at Memorial Day weekend and thinking I can use some days then. Then at least 2 weeks some time in July/August.

My life is still rated G

I really wanted my weekend to last just a little bit longer. Even though my weekend had a very roller-coaster feel to it my Sunday turned out to be my best day in quite some time. Things started very slow with me pretty much spending the morning at home trying to clean. I was home through lunch and then I loaded up the car and got ready to head for the boat even though it was a cold dreary day. I figured I could at least get some cleaning done in the cabin. Who am I kidding?... I also had hopes that Coleen would find a way to stop by.

But before I'd even left my house I got a phone call from her. Even though she was with her boyfriend I could tell she was looking for something to do. I told her my plan which included going for a drink toward the end of the day. So I got my chored done by about 4:30 and made my way to the bar. I sent a text msg to Coleen and she said she'd be there. When I first walked into the bar is was quiet and only one or two people I knew. My four closest friends are away in the Dominican Republic so I settled in and chatted it up with Michelle, the bartender.

I expected Coleen to bring along the boyfriend but she arrived alone. For a few minutes I felt like all the stars were lining up for me. But there is still a ways to go. We played some pool... dumped a lot of money in the juke box and most just had a good time with all the people that we know. Eventually more and more of our friends came by. This guy Dean showed up. Coleen and him dated a few years ago but I don't think it went very far. I'm not sure what to make of that, but I was curious to see how they acted together. Didn't see anything to get jealous about. They seemed like friends.

After a few hours Coleen let it be known that she had asked Mark, the bf, to join her for a drink. When it was obvious that he was a no show I could see her feeling very frustrated. She was venting to Tony about it when I heard her mention that if she doesn't get some kind of "validation" (my word, not hers) by July 2nd she would be done and move on. I'm so glad she isn't telling me this because it would be very hard for me to be sensitive to how she feels when inside I'm saying "YES!, dump him".

So now I am looking at a calendar and thinking about how to make it through the next 2 months. I have reasons to believe it's not even going to be that long. I know it seems like this is happening at a snails pace but I really truly believe if I can be patient I can see it all happen.

So it was getting towards dinner time and Coleen said she needed to go back to Mark's to get some things. I suggested if she wanted to eat we could get something. She said maybe and she would text me and let me know. Then she gave me a big kiss on my ear. I'm not sure but I think she may have used her tongue. 

About a half hour later she sent me a text tsaying she was "very upset". I responded with "What can I do?" and she just said "I'm tired and need to go home". And that was that. What will happen now is anyone's guess but I do sense that she is still holding on to her bf. I expect it to stay this way until at least Memorial Day... but who knows. It's all really up to her now.

Sunday blues

It's raining out which is a perfect reflection of my mood. And I had a really good day yesterday and got a good night sleep. I spent most f the day hanging out with Coleen and didn't do much else. We went shopping, then had some lunch and relaxed on the boat. It wasn't very exciting but I guess it can't always be great. I guess my day was somewhat tainted by the fact that she had plans for dinner that did not include me.And my Saturday night was quiet. I just went home and had dinner. The only bright spot was a message left on my voicemail left by Coleen.

Fear of Flying

I took Coleen out for dinner last night. It was completely unplanned. But it was so much fun. We have leftovers that we plan on having for lunch today. Out evening ended at 10:30. She just looked so good. We talked about so many things.... I feel that I am falling so hard right now. Pray that I have a soft landing

Crystal - be careful what you wish for because you just may have a boat ride in your future. But keep taking care of yourself and you never know.

What dreams may come

Friday is finally here. Not sure why but I am excited about that. I have no reason for anything to be different and yet I feel like something will change. I find myself fantasizing about opportunities that seem to be just around the corner. Or this could be one of those dreams where the more you get nearer something the farther away it seems to be.  

Last night was the first boat night of the year. God blessed me with a perfect Thursday evening of 70 plus degrees and practically no wind. It became chilly after sunset but after putting on a sweatshirt it was very comfortable. Janet was my only guest as all the others had other commitments. It was really Janet's idea anyway. For some reason she was really looking forward to evenings on the boat and was bugging me about it even a week ago. So we sat back and chatted over wine for 2 hours. It feels good to finally be outside again.

Janet, Judy, Jami and Roberta are all going to are Caribbean Saturday. They will be gone for the week. They are all kidding me that I will be spending all my time with Coleen now. And they are also probably saying the same thing to her. I am receptive to the idea. But I'll have to wait and see.

Stuck in the kitchen

One of the things about taking the train to work is it forces you to think. Whether you like it or not you will have 45 minutes with nothing to do but look out the window and let your mind wander. Sometimes that's good and sometimes it's not so good.

Today as I sat and pondered my life I was thinking about different metaphors for how I always seem to wind up in the same situation over and over. Basically I see a girl that I like I can usually become a significant part of their life, but never they way I intended. Maybe that's God looking out for me because they must not be the right one for me. But back to the metaphor. It's like I am this stray puppy that girls see and they take home, but never let out of the kitchen.

I mean I met Lisa 10 years ago and I felt this unbelievable attraction when I saw her. We became as close as anyone could but we never got past the friendship thing. It has happened more times than I can count. I can go all the way back to high school and how I held a torch for my next door neighbor, Winnie. We became close friends even after high school to the point where when she did get married I was the oldest friend she sent an invitation too for her wedding. No one from out high school was there.  Then there was Eileen ... another girl I saw from across a crowded room and ended up close enough to attend her wedding after she met the right guy who was not me. I can still remember meeting Janet more than 5 years ago and wanting to see her. Now we talk almost every day. And she calls me... but we could never  be anything but friends. She put that wall up and I will never get to climb over it.

Is this where I'm headed again with Coleen? If you read all the old entries you can see how I was when I first met her. I felt something and I know she did too. But here I am again metaphorically in the kitchen wondering if I'll ever get to be in the rest of the house. I must have some kind of irresistible quality that will only get me so far. I wish I find a way to get past this. Maybe this can be the week.

I really need to find something else to do on the train.