Allergy Blues.

I have been suffering from my allergies for way too long now. My allergist warned me a few months ago that I was not getting my shots as often as I should. There is an assortment of reasons as to why I had been going about every 2 months or so. First it is money, it costs $25 each time I go and while at the moment it doesn't seem like much it usually ends up a problem when I'm making choices between gas or food or allergy shot. Seems like the shot always goes to the bottom of my priority list. Then there is the fact that since I'd moved a year and a half ago I am now a full 45 minutes from the Doctor's office. I've made inquiries to find an Allergist closer but the only day available is Thursday and I need an appointment and I keep forgetting.
Since I hadn't shown any symtoms I kept blowing things off but now I've been stuffed up since I've been back from florida and I wasn't doing so great before I left for vacation. I know it's my own cat doing it to me but I can't blame Tigger. It's not like he wants me to be allergic. So even though I got my shots on Monday I'm getting worse every day. I've started to double dose the Zyrtec by taking one at night and another in the morning. It has had little or no effect.
My only real hope is that by December I'll be able to cash out some 401k money and be able to afford the additional expense. You see, before I purchased my Co-op I took a 2 year note against the 401k and it now has just one more month left. That is $800 a month. I figure to bang out another 2-year loan for $9000. I calculated my payments to be about $400 monthly. So I can increase my income a little less but I can take the money and pay off everything and maybe have some extra for whatever rainy day I might see. Right now I owe my brother Brian $2000, my dentist $140, and my winter storage for the boat is another $800. And I would love to rid myself of my $2000 Visa debt. I can do all that and still have $4000. I have December 10th circled on my calendar.

Not Complaining but

I just got paid and already I'm down to less than $100 until November 15th. And it's only November 1. All the bills are out until then so it's not as if I'm in any real trouble but it's anther pay period where I need to watch every cent. I bought all the groceries I'll need as well so I'm not starving. But I doubt I'll be taking anyone out to dinner for the next 2 weeks. Thank God I at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. You see I have this loan payment to my 401k that is sucking $800 a month out of my paycheck that is all done after December 1. Then i have a decision to make as to whether I take another loan and pay off my Visa bill and get rid of several other debts - I know I want to pay my brother Brian the $2000 I owe. I wish I could leave it be and just take the extra $800 a month towards that but I am not sure if I should leave ot there for him. I would alos like to just dispose of the Visa bill and also leave myself with a little extra cash.
All of this has me toning down what little social life I still have left. Less to write in the blog I guess. I relative sure no one wants to read about this stuff, I mean I don't even want to read it. It feels like I've lived my whole life this way. Never having more than a few dollars in my pocket. Thing is when I do have a little more pocket money I end up in a bad place. That's what may have led to my problems in the spring of 2009. That was when I needed to give up alcohol from May to August. You can go back and read alla about it.

I will walk this path alone.

My posts have become fewer and fewer. That's because I've about given up. I mean here I am 55 years old and I write about stuff a high school kid would probably laugh at. For what ever reason i am unable to make anything happen in a meaningful way. I lack the ability to get what I want and while I know it is basically my own doing I just can't seem to get past this. As time goes on I feel it is less important.
This is not the end of my blog but I am not sure if I will be a regular poster any more. Right now I am pursuing nothing. Coleen, remember Coleen? I have not heard from her in weeks and I hardly even think about how hung up on her I once was. Janet? Not really talking to her either. She doesn't call me and I'm fine with that. Lisa? She keeps saying she wants to leave Carmine, but why she tells me I don't understand. I told her she should sleep with me. Since then she hasn't really seen me. We still text a few times a week.
So that just leaves Carolyn. I took her out last Friday night and at the end of the night I tried to kiss her. Just not happening. She won't. I'm ready to walk.
So I feel very much like I want no one to be close to me. I am not what they are looking for. They are not what I am looking for. Friends I have. I want someone to share my life with. Unless I see that about to happen I may just walk my own path for a while.
So I may not add a new item here or I may find myself back with new thoughts tomorrow. We will see. But this is my here and now. Still dealing with a single day at a time.

I need a compass

Another week has gone by and it's all drama and as always not in a good way. I've been in Florida at my mom's house since last Saturday. My mom left to visit some of her friends up north and I am here alone taking care of her dogs. While I love the dogs there isn't much here to do. I feel very inti-social but it's also pretty unexciting. Meanwhile I get all these bitch calls from people. Lisa wants my sister to look in on Tigger so she is only going there when I tell her no one else will go. And my sister is bitching about how I am never there unless I need something. And what's worse is they are right as I have not been doing much visiting lately.
Then there is Carolyn. She has been in court this week still fighting over the scraps of her marriage. This is the longest divorce in history. We talk and she gives me bits and pieces of what is going on. She doesn't really want to tell me much. I'm sure there are many things she does not tell me. I expect that. I just get a sense she will never ever let go of how she feels persecuted. I'm sure there is a lot of that but at some point you need to find a compromise and begin the process of moving on.
This is why I am staying in a holding pattern. Honestly I have considered if this is going anywhere. Sometimes it feels like she is ready then other times it feels like she is never getting off the pot. She might be broke and looking for a new place to live with her son, daughter, 4 cats and an assortment of other pets ... turtle, bird and some fish. I'm sure she would love someone to swoop in and save her from this mess but I don't see it being me. It would be a mistake.
So I am sitting alone in Florida wondering what my next direction will be,

Older but no wiser

I took Carolyn out to dinner last night. It was a good meal. And that is all it was. My mind is just not right for more that that. I wanted to ask her something about if there can be more for us but I just left it unsaid.
Prior to dinner I went to get my haircut and got some advice from Loni. She seems to think I need to step up and demand to have sex. She makes is so simple and uncomplicated. Then I sit and listen to Carolyn and my ability to make it happen just shuts off.
After dinner we said good night and I sensed a strange moment where Carolyn held me tight but I move in for the kiss and get nothing. To be honest I was tired and just was ready for home. When did a good night's sleep become more important than sex? Is that bad? Am I just accepting what I get? The older I get the less I know.

Pictures and I'm not in any of them

Lisa and Ellen - sisters.

I was at the Sea Cliff Mini-mart. I saw lots and lots of people there, including Coleen and her guy Tommy. I just snapped a picture for the hell of ot. I had a short conversation with her but I've been over that for about a year now.

Carolyn did call me but she wasn't coming so it was another weekend where I didn't see her. We spoke a couple of times but for one reason or another we have not gotten together. Some of that is on me.

There were others there and it was fun to see some people, such as these two. That is Abby and Donna. I know them from high school.

Love is needy.

Isn't it funny how it is the shortest comment (from Josie) that says the most. She says "I'm with Jimmy". My first thought was "How does she know Jimmy?" Then I realized she was referring to what he was telling me and agreeing. I just wish I could be more secure. That being said I had several conversations with Carolyn but did not ever see her. She doesn't think I'm mad about anything. I guess we are friends. No urgency there.
I move on. I went to the annual street fair they have in the town I grew up in. I got to see lots of people I know from High School. I took some pictures which I hope to post at some point. I didn't spend any time with anyone and was home early. I am not feeling very loved today. Lucky I'll be in Florida by the weekend. I need to get away.