Not sure why but I reached out to Coleen after work last night. I ended up seeing her and having dinner and drinks with her. She was in good spirits and I said goodnight at about 9. It was a rare Monday night treat. I am setting the stage for this coming weekend. I would like it if I can see her. But I am not able to make a plan.
The rest of the week will be limited to work and home. I will also go to the gym. Summer must really be over since I've removed my air conditioners from the bedroom and livingroom and they will now spend the next 8 months in the closet. It may get warm during the day but I can handle any heat with just open windows. I am waiting for that first real cold day to see how the heat in the new house is. I still love the fact that the air really flows through with just open windows. Having the sun coming into the bedroom in the morning is a new experience. The last bedroom that faced east would have been more than 15 years ago.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Life with Mike
How boring is my life. All week I was trying to focus on things "not Coleen" so I hadn't called her in any way (no emails or text messages) all week long. Friday night I had dinner with Janet and Roberta. We have been trying to find new and different activities and so far I've been able to stay away from the bar on Friday's. It was a uneventful evening.
Saturday I wanted to work on installing some new equipment on the boat so I spent most of the day alone taking car of that. Before that I had made a plan to have dinner out with Janet. I figure if she will make plans I need to prioritize her more. That being said at about 4 PM Coleen showed up at the boat unannounced. I was happy to see her. She seemed to be interested in what I had planned which I said I would be out for dinner. I wonder if she was getting my message ... that I want to plan my life. Not just let things happen.
My dinner with Janet was okay. We went to her house afterwards and watched a movie on TV. Nothing romantic. That's just who we are. I was considering asking about it but I just think we both know we are friends and we are both fine with that.
That brings me to Sunday. In the morning I got a text message from Coleen asking me about the beach ... but I had plans to take people out on the boat. Late in the afternoon she sent me another text about watching football in the bar. I broke and went there. I didn't really talk to her much but she did say I needed to stop by. Well, long story short, she had some kind of melt down and left mad about something that didn't have anything to do with me. I asked that she call me Monday and she just went on with her fit and gave me a hug (that part was good) and she was out the door. I doubt she will call so I'll just go back to my normal routine and try not to think about her.
No new plans and next weekend there will be limited options because Janet will be away. Maybe I need to sit home and fix things here.
Saturday I wanted to work on installing some new equipment on the boat so I spent most of the day alone taking car of that. Before that I had made a plan to have dinner out with Janet. I figure if she will make plans I need to prioritize her more. That being said at about 4 PM Coleen showed up at the boat unannounced. I was happy to see her. She seemed to be interested in what I had planned which I said I would be out for dinner. I wonder if she was getting my message ... that I want to plan my life. Not just let things happen.
My dinner with Janet was okay. We went to her house afterwards and watched a movie on TV. Nothing romantic. That's just who we are. I was considering asking about it but I just think we both know we are friends and we are both fine with that.
That brings me to Sunday. In the morning I got a text message from Coleen asking me about the beach ... but I had plans to take people out on the boat. Late in the afternoon she sent me another text about watching football in the bar. I broke and went there. I didn't really talk to her much but she did say I needed to stop by. Well, long story short, she had some kind of melt down and left mad about something that didn't have anything to do with me. I asked that she call me Monday and she just went on with her fit and gave me a hug (that part was good) and she was out the door. I doubt she will call so I'll just go back to my normal routine and try not to think about her.
No new plans and next weekend there will be limited options because Janet will be away. Maybe I need to sit home and fix things here.
Friday, September 17, 2010
It's Friday
It's Friday. Plans for the weekend are limited and my optimism is down. I want to avoid the same old thing but the prospect of sitting alone has little appeal. I will probably have dinner with Janet and Roberta and stay away from Coleen. I know where she will be and if I go there it will just reinforce the way she sees me. A friend who is always there on her terms.
I did that last Friday but by Saturday morning I was back to texting and I ended up spending most of my Saturday in contact with her. By Sunday she was obviously taking me for granted and I need to make new plans.
I did that last Friday but by Saturday morning I was back to texting and I ended up spending most of my Saturday in contact with her. By Sunday she was obviously taking me for granted and I need to make new plans.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Life
It's late and I'm tired. I have no idea what this will be. It's been me alone all day. I worked today from home so there was no reason for anyone to talk to me. I only ventured out to get my allergy shots. It's been almost 3 months so I was way overdue. Got home and had leftover dinner and watched tv. No phone calls. No text messages. No knocks on the door. Tomorrow I get to do it all again.
But where can I go? I need to stay away from the drinking culture. I need to connect with people in a new way. I'll need to think on this before the weekend.
I guess the weekend is already set up to be quiet. Janet and Roberta will be away. Coleen I just need to stay away from. I'll keep busy on the boat and let things just be.
But where can I go? I need to stay away from the drinking culture. I need to connect with people in a new way. I'll need to think on this before the weekend.
I guess the weekend is already set up to be quiet. Janet and Roberta will be away. Coleen I just need to stay away from. I'll keep busy on the boat and let things just be.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
More thoughts
Spent last evening alone with my thoughts. I feel my optimism being drained out of my body. I want to hide myself away from all the women in my life. Maybe I'll go to Florida in 2 weeks and come back and something will change. For sure it's not me that will ever change.
Something Coleen said on Sunday has me really bugged. We were sitting away from the crowd when she was looking at a text that someone had just sent to her phone. I don't know who it was from but it had to be from one of her "prospects". Out of nowhere she looked at me and said "I need a boyfriend and you need a girlfriend". She didn't say it in a way to lead anywhere because she then asked me about the girl I took out on the boat. That was Angela. It was over a year ago. She asked what happened. I couldn't say the truth ... that Angela wasn't Coleen. I'm not sure if that was really it but it certainly was part of it. Makes me realize that I spend all my energy on things I can't have rather than things I can.
So I want to put some distance between me and her for a while. My ultimate goal is for her to change her perspective of me but also I'd like to change mine. I've never been very good at that. I know I obsess too much and that has to be unhealthy. I was hoping this would be my outlet so I can let things go but I'm only getting worse as I get older.
It's only Tuesday ... I want to stop making plans but I need to make plans. Keep looking forward but start hoping for new things. Tonight I'll meet Lisa at the gym. Maybe I can run all this anxiety out my system.
Something Coleen said on Sunday has me really bugged. We were sitting away from the crowd when she was looking at a text that someone had just sent to her phone. I don't know who it was from but it had to be from one of her "prospects". Out of nowhere she looked at me and said "I need a boyfriend and you need a girlfriend". She didn't say it in a way to lead anywhere because she then asked me about the girl I took out on the boat. That was Angela. It was over a year ago. She asked what happened. I couldn't say the truth ... that Angela wasn't Coleen. I'm not sure if that was really it but it certainly was part of it. Makes me realize that I spend all my energy on things I can't have rather than things I can.
So I want to put some distance between me and her for a while. My ultimate goal is for her to change her perspective of me but also I'd like to change mine. I've never been very good at that. I know I obsess too much and that has to be unhealthy. I was hoping this would be my outlet so I can let things go but I'm only getting worse as I get older.
It's only Tuesday ... I want to stop making plans but I need to make plans. Keep looking forward but start hoping for new things. Tonight I'll meet Lisa at the gym. Maybe I can run all this anxiety out my system.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Looking back when I should look forward.
Lots to say. I decided to end my ban on alcohol. I had wine with Coleen at dinner last Thursday. We will wait and see how I can handle things going forward. I may just give it up again if I sense myself slipping. For now I'm watching myself.
It's been an eventful week. Coleen was home on vacation even though she didn't go anywhere. There were days where she sent me text messages constantly. I was in the office so it was nice to hear from someone outside and if it's her I am even more thrilled. I found myself looking forward to the next one but I was also getting a little annoyed. It was starting to feel like all our conversations were texts. Then we went to dinner Thursday. It was so great to sit across the table and just look at her while she talked. I had decided if she was buying me dinner for my birthday I would share some wine with her.
I don't know what it was but I felt more nervous than usual. I knew she was still off from work so made an attempt to see if she was willing to see me the next day if I didn't go to work. I have plenty of time available but she didn't commit to anything so I just shut it down and went to work anyway.
On Friday I didn't see Coleen or talk to her. I think we swapped one or two messages. What ever good feeling I had from the night before was gone. I decided to make plans with Janet. I'm struggling on how I feel about Janet lately. Last weekend I really felt that I missed her but then Roberta had to go and tell me about Janet's secret sex. I can't understand why that disturbs me so much. I tried asking Lisa about it but she kind of shut down so I am left feeling dissed and rejected even though it's not even like that.
Friday night's dinner was okay. Janet didn't really ask about why I failed to call her when she came back ... actually she did but I answered vaguely. Roberta joined us late after she had eaten. We talked about going somewhere else but by the time dinner was finished I felt so tired I just went home. I'm feeling a little sick of the women in my life right now.
They all seem to have these secret boyfriends that never take them out in public. Lisa, Coleen, Janet, Roberta ... all of them. At least Lisa has Carmine now so I guess she shouldn't be on that list. But she was all about that for years... and she was the one who actually told me a little about those kind of things. I'm not really 100 percent sure she still isn't involved that way.
So I keep breathing and I keep looking forward to the sun coming up every day. I feel sad about how things have gone but I know there is a future out there somewhere.
It's been an eventful week. Coleen was home on vacation even though she didn't go anywhere. There were days where she sent me text messages constantly. I was in the office so it was nice to hear from someone outside and if it's her I am even more thrilled. I found myself looking forward to the next one but I was also getting a little annoyed. It was starting to feel like all our conversations were texts. Then we went to dinner Thursday. It was so great to sit across the table and just look at her while she talked. I had decided if she was buying me dinner for my birthday I would share some wine with her.
I don't know what it was but I felt more nervous than usual. I knew she was still off from work so made an attempt to see if she was willing to see me the next day if I didn't go to work. I have plenty of time available but she didn't commit to anything so I just shut it down and went to work anyway.
On Friday I didn't see Coleen or talk to her. I think we swapped one or two messages. What ever good feeling I had from the night before was gone. I decided to make plans with Janet. I'm struggling on how I feel about Janet lately. Last weekend I really felt that I missed her but then Roberta had to go and tell me about Janet's secret sex. I can't understand why that disturbs me so much. I tried asking Lisa about it but she kind of shut down so I am left feeling dissed and rejected even though it's not even like that.
Friday night's dinner was okay. Janet didn't really ask about why I failed to call her when she came back ... actually she did but I answered vaguely. Roberta joined us late after she had eaten. We talked about going somewhere else but by the time dinner was finished I felt so tired I just went home. I'm feeling a little sick of the women in my life right now.
They all seem to have these secret boyfriends that never take them out in public. Lisa, Coleen, Janet, Roberta ... all of them. At least Lisa has Carmine now so I guess she shouldn't be on that list. But she was all about that for years... and she was the one who actually told me a little about those kind of things. I'm not really 100 percent sure she still isn't involved that way.
So I keep breathing and I keep looking forward to the sun coming up every day. I feel sad about how things have gone but I know there is a future out there somewhere.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Alone again, Natually.
Today did not go exactly as planned. Left the house to do some work on the boat and who do I see driving in the opposite direction but Coleen who waved me to pull over. We ended up spending the entire day together. I don't even know how it happened as I was just going with the flow. I got calls from the girls I know who do not like my keeping company with Coleen so I was conflicted all day. I am rationalizing that I owe no one any explanation as I still don't drink and my choices are mine to deal with and mine alone.
That said I feel guilty to not go hang out with those who see me when I need friends. Yes. I have good friends but they can't bring me the joy I get from Coleen and I know there is no positive outcome I can even expect I still need to take that path.
I got home at around 8 and felt I needed to call Janet. She sounded like she had been drinking. A lot. Still I wanted to say hello. Now that I know she has been having secret sex with Bunky I want to judge her but she refuses to judge me so I can't make any comment. So I let it go.
No more news... just me alone ... like always.
That said I feel guilty to not go hang out with those who see me when I need friends. Yes. I have good friends but they can't bring me the joy I get from Coleen and I know there is no positive outcome I can even expect I still need to take that path.
I got home at around 8 and felt I needed to call Janet. She sounded like she had been drinking. A lot. Still I wanted to say hello. Now that I know she has been having secret sex with Bunky I want to judge her but she refuses to judge me so I can't make any comment. So I let it go.
No more news... just me alone ... like always.
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