I love this blog

I must say this blog thing has been very useful. I can go back and review my life and pretty much know where I was and what I was doing for just about any event for the last 4 or 5 years. On the one hand I can keep track of things very well, but on the other it does illustrate just how pathetic I can be. The biggest changes I want to make just never seem to happen, but all the other things are happening and I do get to see just how far I've come over these years.

No girlfriends have come along and I still find myself wanting only the ones I can't have. I feel much more empowered than I did a few years ago. I do believe my owning my home will bring me a sense of completeness that may be all I really need. I will be able to put my feet onto the ground and know that it's mine and as long as the bills get paid it will be mine and mine alone.

I've been feeling very distraught about what Roberta told me about Coleen. I still find myself wanting to make plans with her but at least now I'm starting to remind myself why I can't. I can change even when change is hard. There must be lots of other things out there. I should be focusing on what I have and not what I want.

It's Tuesday and tonight is another gym night. Lisa and I are planning to try to run in a 5K fun race on Easter morning. That way we can feel good about whatever food and drink we have later in the day. It's not definite but it sounds like a good idea.

I finished getting my mortgage documents together and sent them this morning via FAX. My plan is moving a little each day until I get all my things in order. My closing is tentative for May 24 but there may be a chance to have it sooner since the seller asked for April 30. Day by day it gets closer. My next task will be to tell my landlord.

GC Parade

A lot of things going on and I'm never going to get it all down but I will try. I'll start with the GC City St. Patrick's Parade, which always occurs on the Sunday after March 17 so they can get all the best bagpiper bands to march. It was a fun day.

It was the warmest, sunniest day for a parade in March that I could remember. You could not have asked for a nicer day. I got there late because I needed to get some papers for my new mortgage together beforehand. More about that later.

Of course Coleen was there. Notice the brace on her wrist ... I was told something about that and it's been bothering me since.

Suddenly there are secrets and things I have to guess about. And they usually are things I wish I had never known. These are not good things.

So Friday after work I saw my attorney and signed the contract for my new home. I also wrote out the biggest check I'd ever signed. After that I wanted to go celebrate so I went to Gates. As I was going in I saw Coleen in her car. I walked over and said hello. She was leaving and it was only a little past 6. So I told her about how I was celebrating and she said there were many of my friends already inside, but she had to leave. I told her I was disappointed because I considered her to my my closest friend. She said she didn't want to drink too much so we agreed to talk later ... which became the next day.

Saturday was a warm sunny day and I got up early and was meeting Lisa at the gym. We decided to run on the street instead. We did a good 3 and a half miles. The exercise is doing me some good as I feel good although very stiff and sore. Afterwards I spoke to Coleen and we agreed to meet up later in the day. I did some work getting my boat opened for spring and then met up with her late in the afternoon. She apparently had been trying to get me earlier but I'd missed it. I asked her if she'd like to have dinner with me and she said yes.

We went out for some Indian food, which is our favorite. It was a good evening. But then she let it slip that last evening she didn't go straight home but in fact had gone somewhere else to meet a friend. It wasn't Jimmy since he was at the Gate when I was there. So I'm wondering who this friend is. But I also didn't really want to know so I pretended not to care. After dinner we went back for a drink before she headed home. Or at least that's where she said she was going.

There I also met up with my other friends including Janet and Roberta. They talked me into going to another place to hear some music. Before the music started Roberta asked if I knew about the "accident" that Coleen had. Apparently before her birthday she was driving Jimmy home and hit another car. Roberta said Coleen got her car fixed and never did report the accident. I don't really know what to believe since Roberta kind of has it in for Coleen, but I was thinking that may have been why Coleen was so reluctant to go out on her birthday. Then yesterday she has a brace for her wrist ... like maybe the accident was that bad.

So today I'm wondering how I can feel good about someone who has such a dark side. I also am sad that she doesn't trust me enough to talk to me about something like that. And lastly .... she may have more of a drinking problem than I can handle. So it's probably the best thing that she doesn't have feelings for me. It's the problem I keep having though. I always want the person who is needy. I have to stop my feelings for her. I just wish it didn't make me feel so lonely.

Regular day

While playing golf in Florida there juvenile raccoons came begging for food. We were told they were orphaned about 6 months ago. They must be surviving on handouts as they showed no fear and were very cute. We decided not to feed them. I'm not sure how they will be if they are so friendly to people. But it was a good photo.





I'm back in NY after a week in Florida. We are in a spring heatwave. The weather here is as warm as it was there.

Yesterday was St Patrick's Day and I enjoyed a nice dinner with Janet. My corned beef and cabbage were delicious. I hadn't seen her in some time so it was good to spend time with her. Her oldest is getting married so she was very excited to talk about wedding plans. I listened but I didn't have much interest. Still it was nice to get out.

I did speak to Coleen earlier but again she seemed like making plans with me is no longer an option so I let that go.

So I'm back to work... for now.

Golfing

Heading home after a week in Jupiter, Florida, I am now sitting in the waiting area because my plane is delayed at least an hour. That's what I get for going on an evening flight instead of a morning flight like I usually do.

My time in Florida was well spent. I had a nice quiet week that, although colder than usual, I did get to do everything I usually do. Went to the beach a few times, went to the pool, and even got to play a round of golf with my brother Brian. He is in the picture. He is a very good golfer and I am really bad. But it was a nice way to spend a day in Florida.

Well, they are getting ready to board the plane so I'll do a bigger post tomorrow.

Field of Dreams story

Finally a nice sunny day in Florida. I took a big long run this morning before taking a trip to the beach. During the 4 or so miles I ran I had to really push myself. I've been used to running inside on a treadmill which gave me pace and time. Without those things I needed to convince my mind that I could make the distance.

Speaking of making the distance I have been using the words from Field of Dreams as my mantra while I run. "Build it and he will cone" and "go the distance". Years ago Lisa gave me a self-help book called Building You Own Field of Dreams. I read it but it at the place I was in at the time it was lost on me. Then I was in love with Lisa and her giving me a book that said all things were possible was ridiculous when the one who gave it to me was never going to return those feelings of affection. But I've never forgotten some of the things that were in it and right now I am feeling I can achieve anything once I've decided that is what I really want.

So with that thought in mind one of the things that the book said it is to clear away the things blocking you from your dreams. It pains me to say this but I have always known that my weight is an issue. I think when people see me, especially women, they see an me as unattractively fat. This was really evident when I told Coleen I'd been able to run 4 miles 3 times a week and the first thing she wanted to know was if I'd lost any weight.

So now I am taking a long look at things and now that I am well on my way to securing a new home my next big thing is to make a serious effort to improve my appearance. Up until now I have been focusing on my health by exercising but not considering a diet was necessary. I guess that will be my next step. "Go the distance".

I had a total me day at the beach. Just me and the dog getting sun and going swimming in the ocean. I will probably get more of that tomorrow. Then Monday I play golf. It's finally starting to feel like a vacation.

Sunshine - not!

So far my trip to Florida has been a huge disappointment. It's been raining continuously for the last two days. That's leaving me with nothing to do but stay inside and watch TV.

My brain keeps obsessing on my new apartment. I've already screwed up the loan against my 401K as my attempt to get a home loan will take too long so I had to re-do it today. That means I've lot 4 days but I guess that will not become an issue since I scheduled the contract to be later and won't occur until 2 weeks from today.

I keep thinking about the paint color. Tuscan gold, saffron or adobe yellow are the colors I want to paint. The kitchen I want to paint some kind of salmon color. Then I need to think about carpets ... not to mention how much it may cost and whether I have enough money.

Yesterday I received a nice surprise call from Coleen. It was a nice chat and makes me feel like we are still connected. I still don't think it's anything I can consider more than just a friendship call but at least I still can expect her to reach out to me now and then. I was so sad in February when it seemed like that had completely stopped. I did miss her more than even I expected.

Greetings from Florida.

I made it to Florida last night. Spending time with mom while I get my financing together from 1500 miles away. She kept me busy today so it was way late before I dealt with things. I did get in touch with my attorney and realtor. Still not sure if my $25k is on the way. I'll fix that tomorrow.

Was back and forth with text messages from some friends back home. Got a call from Lisa. She is heading for Chicago in the morning and don't expect to hear much from her until next week. Not much else for today.