Facing my life a little each day

Plans get made. Thank God I have friends. Losing my closest friend has left me scared but also reassured that I am not alone. All my friends have been there for me and I cannot say enough for how that makes me feel.

I have not been intimate with someone in so long it barely even in my memory, but the people that I call friends are all so caring I should never feel unloved. Especially Lisa. She held me while I cried, calls me almost every day or emails me just to make sure I'm good. I know this will be temporary but it makes me fall more and more in love with her . I can't see how I will ever have a love for someone else like I feel about her. When my life ends and flashes before my eyes she will be the star.

I'm also getting a little closer to Janet all the time. She has been including me in her plans and we are in contact most every day. When I've called her the last few weeks we talk much longer than I would expect. I want to tell her how much I'm attracted to her but I can't seem to find the words. My heart is telling me something that my head says it can never have.

Last weekend

I got out last Friday and spent some time with Janet at the Italian restaurant we like. I enjoyed her attention. She gave me a nice hello and we talked more than we had in a long time. It was just a nice relaxing evening. First fun I'd had since Joe died.

On Monday morning Janet sent me an email with some old pictures of herself from years ago. The oldest was from the 60s!

My best friend died last week

That's right. My friend Joe died suddenly on February 20th, 2006. I am feeling very lost and alone. I last saw him the night before which was a Sunday. Since I was off for Presidents' Day and he had to work I told him I would call him at his office and said good night at 10:00 PM. At 9 the next morning Tracy from his office called and said that the whole office was saying that Joe's family had called to say her had died. I was in disbelief so I immediately got into my car and went to his house where I saw his oldest son Michael who told me he died in his sleep over night.

I was in shock. I've spent the last 2 weeks morning his loss. I've never felt such grief. How could he just be gone. I can't believe I won't hear the sound of his voice again when I keep hearing it in my head. This is more sadness than I have ever felt.

I never buried a friend before. At least not someone who I could say was a close friend. We knew each other for 8 years. Not a day went by where we didn't talk. I feel so bad ... like I need to tell him something but he's not there anymore. During his wake I cried uncontrollably.   

Valentines

I had a very quiet Valentines. Sent no flowers and received no cards. I touch no one and no one touches me.... I am a rock - I am an island.... (Paul Simon song).

So I am a little sad but I also realize I am better off than I would be if I was with the wrong person. I did get a phone call from Lisa as she was arriving back at her house. She told me she got something and said she would call back but never did. Don't know who gave her a gift. Wanted to know at first but now trying to just put it out of my head and move on.

I did really have an urge to reach out to Janet but when I sent her an email all she had to say was she had a busy day. So my sense of no romance between us is still all I feel. So I left her alone and that made me feel even more alone. No one that I could even call. So now it's Wednesday night and I should be over it. You would think.  

Snow and Lisa's birthday

The huge snow prevented Lisa from celebrating her birthday on Sunday. Her birthday was actually Monday but since her only day off was Sunday a dinner at her sister's house was scheduled and I was invited. But with more than 20 inches of snow on the ground and still more coming there was no chance on having it. So her birthday came and went as did Valentines Day and I now haven't seen Lisa in about a month. We still have short chats on the phone while she drives home from work. Last night she called as she got home to tell me there was a ticket on her old car that is parked in the street without plates. Because she hasn't put a 4sale sign on it, the car is just going to sit. I have a feeling the sale will fall to me. I am really starting to feel a little used.

I hate to always be in second place but now I almost feel like an afterthought. Her yoga center has her tied up every single day now. She takes trips to meetings that seem to only be designed to keep her from having any social life at all. I have been doing a little research and I have read a considerable about of negative stories about Dahn yoga. I'd been looking at it as just unsatisfied former customers but a few weeks ago I saw a news story on Channel 2 that gives much more credibility to all the complaints about the organization being a cult. I would love to discuss it with Lisa but she is always at work in the center. Should I voice my concerns or should I just maintain a supportive attitude and hope that she becomes aware of where she is headed? I was tempted to talk to her sister about it but I'm a little afraid to put my nose where it isn't wanted.

I guess I'll wait.  

No Lament

I've been staying away for a while trying to decide what in my life is worth writing about. I don't think I can keep writing the same story over and over. But I went back amd re-read some of my entries from last year and I realize I have made slight progress so I am back, although for now my entries will be less frequent.

Stayed home last Friday in anticipation that Saturday will be eventful. The plan was that I would attend Janet's daughter's graduation party at a hall with about 50 of her family and some friends but mostly her kids friends. It was to start at 4 o'clock so we had talked about going to here some music afterwards. Mother Nature threw us a curve with a snow storm the really didn't hit until late in the evening. So Janet's party went off without any problems but there was no going out after.

At the party I got to meet Janet's dad, Larry who is divorced and remarried and many other family members who all seemed to know who I was. Her sis-in-law Teresa was especially interested in talking to me. I guess she mentions me in family circles ... something I also do. Everyone in my family knows we are spending time together. I suppose they are wondering if this as going anywhere but maybe that just me putting my own hopes into peoples minds. I did get a sense of welcome from Janet's family. Janet had so many people there I almost didn't expect we would talk much but she did seem to be keeping an eye out for me and we shared a table when we sat for some food. I stayed to the end and helped clean. At the end there was her ex Mark, her daughter Ally, her son Spencer, and her mom Doreen. It was past 10 and the snow had started so I headed home. No real big goodbye.

I want to quit

Advice from my haircut girl, Loni "Be agressive, girls like a guy who takes charge." And what do I do ... I am as passive as ever. I almost afraid to put this in here even though I am the only one who looks at this. But this is what played out last Friday. Gary who is much more assertive than me gives Janet a shoulder rub in the bar. She loved it. It made me crazy jealous. I just assumed he had the edge and I took the first opportunity to head for the door like the beaten man that I am. I just didn't want to be there when they started getting really close... AND THIS IS NOT THE REALLY STUPID PART! 

Fast forward to the next day ... we were all planning on a group dinner in Bayville. There would have been 5 or 6 of us so I wasn't really caring if I went or not. Turned out Gary didn't want to go.... an odd turn of events. Not only that but nobody else could go except me and Janet. Yes - that's right... I had Janet alone all to myself for dinner on Saturday night. You know what I did .... I picked up the check, and got a peck on the cheek when I dropped her at home. Why can't I make any moves?

Some one make a comment and tell me how big a butthead I must be.