Snow and Lisa's birthday

The huge snow prevented Lisa from celebrating her birthday on Sunday. Her birthday was actually Monday but since her only day off was Sunday a dinner at her sister's house was scheduled and I was invited. But with more than 20 inches of snow on the ground and still more coming there was no chance on having it. So her birthday came and went as did Valentines Day and I now haven't seen Lisa in about a month. We still have short chats on the phone while she drives home from work. Last night she called as she got home to tell me there was a ticket on her old car that is parked in the street without plates. Because she hasn't put a 4sale sign on it, the car is just going to sit. I have a feeling the sale will fall to me. I am really starting to feel a little used.

I hate to always be in second place but now I almost feel like an afterthought. Her yoga center has her tied up every single day now. She takes trips to meetings that seem to only be designed to keep her from having any social life at all. I have been doing a little research and I have read a considerable about of negative stories about Dahn yoga. I'd been looking at it as just unsatisfied former customers but a few weeks ago I saw a news story on Channel 2 that gives much more credibility to all the complaints about the organization being a cult. I would love to discuss it with Lisa but she is always at work in the center. Should I voice my concerns or should I just maintain a supportive attitude and hope that she becomes aware of where she is headed? I was tempted to talk to her sister about it but I'm a little afraid to put my nose where it isn't wanted.

I guess I'll wait.  

No Lament

I've been staying away for a while trying to decide what in my life is worth writing about. I don't think I can keep writing the same story over and over. But I went back amd re-read some of my entries from last year and I realize I have made slight progress so I am back, although for now my entries will be less frequent.

Stayed home last Friday in anticipation that Saturday will be eventful. The plan was that I would attend Janet's daughter's graduation party at a hall with about 50 of her family and some friends but mostly her kids friends. It was to start at 4 o'clock so we had talked about going to here some music afterwards. Mother Nature threw us a curve with a snow storm the really didn't hit until late in the evening. So Janet's party went off without any problems but there was no going out after.

At the party I got to meet Janet's dad, Larry who is divorced and remarried and many other family members who all seemed to know who I was. Her sis-in-law Teresa was especially interested in talking to me. I guess she mentions me in family circles ... something I also do. Everyone in my family knows we are spending time together. I suppose they are wondering if this as going anywhere but maybe that just me putting my own hopes into peoples minds. I did get a sense of welcome from Janet's family. Janet had so many people there I almost didn't expect we would talk much but she did seem to be keeping an eye out for me and we shared a table when we sat for some food. I stayed to the end and helped clean. At the end there was her ex Mark, her daughter Ally, her son Spencer, and her mom Doreen. It was past 10 and the snow had started so I headed home. No real big goodbye.

I want to quit

Advice from my haircut girl, Loni "Be agressive, girls like a guy who takes charge." And what do I do ... I am as passive as ever. I almost afraid to put this in here even though I am the only one who looks at this. But this is what played out last Friday. Gary who is much more assertive than me gives Janet a shoulder rub in the bar. She loved it. It made me crazy jealous. I just assumed he had the edge and I took the first opportunity to head for the door like the beaten man that I am. I just didn't want to be there when they started getting really close... AND THIS IS NOT THE REALLY STUPID PART! 

Fast forward to the next day ... we were all planning on a group dinner in Bayville. There would have been 5 or 6 of us so I wasn't really caring if I went or not. Turned out Gary didn't want to go.... an odd turn of events. Not only that but nobody else could go except me and Janet. Yes - that's right... I had Janet alone all to myself for dinner on Saturday night. You know what I did .... I picked up the check, and got a peck on the cheek when I dropped her at home. Why can't I make any moves?

Some one make a comment and tell me how big a butthead I must be.

Back from Florida

Just back from trip to Florida. No time for a full story but here is the family picture taken at my Mom's 70th birthday party.

Friday stuff

Got a phone call from Janet last night that I missed. She wants to plan tonight. I know I need to get up early for my flight out on Saturday and my little voice says stay home but I'm still considering going.

I had lunch with Mariana today. She is the nicest, sweetest girl. But, she is married. I've known her for the longest time and when she was single she wouldn't go out on a date so of course I tell myself just to relax. But I really like her alot. She is one of those girls that just get me every time I see them.

Maybe a new direction

I might take this journal in a new direction. I am tired of obsessing on my failures and defficeincies. I want to find another way for me to write and not focus on what I can't have. I just don't know what that might be. My interactions with people have been limited. Last Friday night I joined Janet and Roberta for drinks at the usual Friday night place. It was fun but there were moments where I wanted to be somewhere - anywhere else. I wanted to here some music but nothing was there. So when I left it was good night to Janet knowing I wouldn't speak to her for the rest of the weekend.

Saturday night I was comfortably home with no plans to go anywhere. At 10 o'clock Lisa called. She was out with her friend Paul. I don't know who that is but she didn't stay out with him as she was calling me out for a drink. I just went to her house ... she got hungry and we made a trip to Taco Bell's. We sat and drank wine. Didn't really talk much. I went home at one.

So I need to take things in a new direction. I may think on that for a day or two.  I'm considering talking about whatever music is in my head. Last Thursday I went to buy the new Johnny Cash Greatest Hits cd and of course bought 4 other cd's while I was at it. I got the new Bonnie Raitt, Neil Young and Leann Rimes. I also got a dico compilation cd. Tried to listen to them over the weekend but so far only Johnny and Neil made it to my cd player.

As time goes by

Not much is new. Last weekend I saw Janet on Friday night and Saturday night. Friday night she called me and on Saturday night I called her. When she called me I was having happy hour in New York with Tracy, Joe, Tracy's brother Brian and her friend Mike. I shut my cell phone off and since we were only to be out until about 7 I didn't see any reason to keep it on. I didn't expect to hear from anyone. Joe had a car so when we finally were heading out of the City I heard her message. I played very hard to get... I told her I'd be there by nine. We met at the regular Friday night place... the Italian Restaurant bar.

So I got there and Janet was keeping company with some guys I was familiar with but didn't know. I had something to eat and got comfortable. After about an hour I had a one-on-one chat with Janet. She asked me about Lisa ... she thinks Lisa should be my girlfriend. I told her about Lisa's married boyfriend. Janet told me, "I have one of those." Great, another girl with a dirty little secret. She said they really only just get together for sex. T-M-I. We moved on to other topics and even went to another place later and had a pretty good time. But it really reinforced my feeling that I am just replicating Lisa in Janet. They both seem to want me around as a friend only even though they both know I would really like to have something more.

So what do I do on Saturday night? I call Janet out for drinks. Well.... she did come out even though she was happy just being home.