What's Going On?

So many thing to say this will probably take more than one part. Where to begin?

Friday night started fine. Janet and Roberta were meeting me at Ruby Tuesday for a drink right after work which for me is 7 o'clock. I get there and it's just Janet and me for about 20 minutes. While I was enjoying myself with her company I felt unusually uncomfortable. I still find it very diffecult to have a one-on-one moment with someone I really like. I was putting pressure on myself to either impress her or make something happen. My heart says one thing and my brain says something else. I was relaxed and we chatted but I kept looking around the room and not at her.

Then Sue showed up followed by Roberta. I never really felt connected with Janet. It's that little voice that says she's just not that into me. So the decision was made to move it on to go dancing somewhere. That was fun. I started out not feeling like I wanted to not stay long. But we started dancing and I found myself wanting to dance more. Been a long time since I'd felt that free. Still I had to go earlier than anyone else.

Before I left I got a phone call from Lisa. She was home and wanted to share a drink with me. I told her I was out and wouldn't be able to. She didn't sound too disappointed.

More later.

Blame it on the rain.

It's been raining here for a solid week. Last 48 hours it's been torrential. I'm trying not to let it get to me but it's very hard. Between the rain and lack of money I've been housebound other than work.

On Tuesday I received a message from Lisa to come out for a glass of wine... I had to bring the wine. I had to tell her no because not only didn't I have any wine or money to get wine, but I didn't even have enough gas in the car to get there and back. So I turned down her invitation and stayed home. I wonder if she missed me as much I missed her.

I also heard from Janet. She wanted me to go to the Oyster Festival on Saturday, which I can't do becuase I'm going upstate and won't be back until Sunday. I had hoped she would go Sunday. It's still a possibility. She also mentioned a night out next weekend at the Downtown Bar. I can't do that either. I'll be out on Barry's boat at Tobay that weekend. You think it might make her miss me more? Does that ever work? Why do I have a feeling she will be introducing me to some guy and I'll be mad that I'd passed up these opportunities. It's still 3 weeks away but I am looking forward to the dinner/wine tasting next month. I expect that will be the next time I see Janet.

I have Joe's Halloween party in 2 weeks. I was trying to get Janet and some of her friends to go but Joe is getting all bent about no guests at HIS party. I may do a fly by and then go to something else. His parties are just not exciting enough. There is always plenty of food and drinks but no one does anything interesting. I can only do so much. Lisa has suggested playing a party game.

Monday - Columbus Day

It's a holiday for many people but for me it's another day in the office. While on the train I got a call on my cell from Lisa. Seems her car won't start. I couldn't do much as since I was already held captive by the LIRR. Felt like I should turn around and help but that wouldn't be the right thing at all. She has to make do. I really do wish I could have helped her. She calls me I'm supposed to be there - right? Oh well, now she will get help from someone more capable.

Lost weekend

Didn't do anything this weekend. Needed to lay low and not spend any money. I finished the weekend with the same $1.50 I started with. I did try to take in a movie with Lisa but she wasn't up to  it. She said she needed to nap at home and I said call me if you change your mind. Well, she called at midnight. Almost felt like a booty call except I know better. She said she slept all though Saturday night. She asked if any movies started after 12. I was in bed already. So we are still kind of avoiding spending any time together. Still don't know if that is by design or not.

It's late and I've got work tomorrow.

My crazy screwed up life

I'm officially broke. It's October 7th and I have no money for the rest odf the month. My stupid planning got screwed up and I eneded up bouncing 6 checks and even though the bank paid them I was assessed $31 for each transaction which if you do the math amounts to almost $200. That's pretty much all the money I would have had for the month. I have no food at home. My car has about a quarter of a tank of gas. I haven't paid my LIRR ticket bill of my cell phone bill. What am I going to do?

Lisa called me last night and invited me over to share a glass of wine. My wine of course. I sat and sipped wine while she vaccuumed her apartment. Not very exciting but still I enjoyed getting out for a bit. I really miss seeing her. It was very platonic. I guess we've moved past the whole kissing episode. It's like it never happened. We talked about going to the movies Saturday although I can't figure out how I can do that with the dollar and forty-five cents I have in my pocket. I've got to sell something.

Tuesday musings

It's been very mellow day. No real exitement. Yet I can't seem to relax and sleep at night. Last night awake until 1:45. Could it be lonliness or just caffeine? Who knows. I decided to spice up my blog with a picture from years ago. The girl is Marcie. I used to see her on the train and invited her out for a sailone day. Before you get all excited I must tell you the picture was taken by Grant, her fiance.

So I've been contemplating on what next.... seems like I need to get off the Janet/Lisa thing and make something new happen somewhere. Neither one of them will ever be involved with me. All I really wanted was for one of them to see me as more than a friend. But it seems that once you lock into that dynamic you can never get out of it. Especially as long as a woman thinks they have the upper hand. Probably as soon as I get a girl I'll suddenly not be able to get either of them out of my life. That's, perhaps, a good thing.

Good weekend yet I feel so empty

Friday night went to see Sir Paul McCartney at Madison Square Garden. It was so good. My friend Joe got me a ticket at the last minute. He's not into music at all.... he showed up 3 songs into the show. I was there about 2 hours early. He opened with "Magical Mystery Tour" and played about 25 Beatles' songs among the 40 songs he did. That's right ... 40 songs. It was a long concert and he did all the favorites. Some of the surprises were "Flaming Pie", "Too Many People" and "I Will". I've decided I need top pick up my guitar again and learn "I Will". He closed with "Sgt. Pepper (reprise)/The End". That's the song that finishes with "And in the end the love you take is the love you make". I wish I wasn't so jaded so I could believe that. Maybe soon.

Spent Saturday out to dinner with Janet and her otherfriends Sue, Roberta, and Judy. They went to Block Island last weekend and were nice enough to get me a hat that I had asked them to get for me. I really wish I could have gone. Maybe next year I'll get my life together. So after dinner we went to the park to see a free rock concert and Judy and Roberta kind of ditched us from there. I opened a bottle of wine and we sat on a blanket ... Sue in the middle between Janet and I. Then Sue wanted to go home so I asked Janet to come to Buckrams for a drink... which she did. The first time I'd ever been alone with her ... but I bumped into Robby Posichek there so I ended up talking with him and his wife Carolyn (I think her name is Carolyn). He was pretty drunk and I guess maybe I was too, a little. Janet had enough after one drink. She was right to go home. But she kind of bolted out the back and I barely got a peck on the cheek goodbye. Yeah... like Joe said to me ... move it on down the road.

So I head for home and I had purposly left my cell phone in the car and when I checked it there was a message from Lisa.... First contact since Monday. There was a lengthy message about her getting lost driving home from New Jersey. She wanted to meet me for a drink ... I got the feeling the drink was more important than my being there so I declined. I went home and went to sleep.

Sunday was the Sea Cliff mini-mart. I had set up meeting Janet there. Janet called while I was on the boat and I headed up there around 2 in the afternoon. While there I saw practically every one I know. Then Lisa called around 3:30 just as Janet was leaving. She was right in the area and came to meet me. Mycell rang and while I answered it Janet disappeared. No goodbye.

So Lisa and I walked around another hour and a half and talked about our week since we had been apart all week. It seemed nice but I could see was really not that into the whole scene and I was getting really tired. So we called it a day and she dropped me off at my car around 6. Again not much of a goodbye. She had been running around alot and needed to go home and relax ... So I closed up and boat and headed home myself.

I guess I should feel good that I spent so much time with friends and enjoyed myself the whole weekend but truth be told I just feel like everything is not what I want. I'll always want more than I can get. I'll make my peace with it soon but I'll never get anywhere with poeple who obviously are only looking at me as good company. That's why a feel so empty.