I got a question.

It's been so long since I've been able to post. Work is consuming all my time and energy. It's been as crazy as any time i can remember. And it's not as if I don't have a lot to blog about either. I've been very busy socially. I don't have time to get into all of it so for now I want to lay out a scenario and ask if I missed something.
Last Friday I took Lisa out for drinks that including dancing. Slow dancing to Sinatra. And lots of drinks that I paid for. Like it was a date. Now I know we are never going to really have a date as we know each other way too long. Still I felt like I wanted to change the dynamic, or at least try. But I wasn't really think of doing anything but take her home and say goodnight at the door. So we park the car and I walk her home, which is only 100 feet or so from my house. Lisa opens her door and immediately goes up the stairs without closing her door, like an invite to come up. I did. For some reason I figured if she wanted me in her house she must want me in her bed. At least I was willing to consider it. So I went for it. I got her in her bed room and laid on the bed. Well, that did not go well. "What are you doing?", she asked. "Trying to sleep with you." I'm not totally sure if that's what I said but I was out the door in about 30 seconds. Which ultimately was fine as I wanted to go home anyway. But I'm thinking, did I do anything different than what any normal male would do? I'm thinking I was assertive and I need to be more that way.

I get distracted so easily.

There is no time in my life for blogs right now. So I will only give highlights. Okay, maybe I'll embellish a little bit.
First of all I have my tooth fixed. Mostly. I have a temporary replacement and I have something more permanent scheduled for October. The temp actually looks better than what I had so I'm good with it. I needed that since my birthday was Thursday and I thought there may be photo-op moments. There really weren't so no pictures for the blog. Sorry.
For my birthday I took a day off from work and spent the day on the water with Carolyn. We had a friend of hers with us as well so I figured we would just enjoy fishing and swimming in the sun. It was a great day weather-wise. We motored here and there and found ourselves anchored off a small island off of Connecticut. This island is a park and there are no people living on it and since it was a weekday it was pretty much uninhabited. I swam onto the beach ... a good 200 yard distance. Carolyn followed and her friend stayed with the boat. We wandered along the beach and found ourselves alone. Before I knew it we were making out in the water like in From Here to Eternity. It was only a moment but for me it made my birthday. Unfortunately it was pretty much downhill from there. Our evening ended with Carolyn and I in my house and rather than stay she chose home instead. Nothing happened. Oh well. At least I put it out there.
Friday I went to work but the plan after work was to see Lisa and go see music. We had some wine and when the music started we danced for the entire time. Lisa was having a ball. I tried to get Carolyn to come but she bowed out. I moved on. I saw Coleen there and she was annoyed at her BF because he bailed on her. More on that later.
Friday night ended with use going to eat with my cousin and her husband. It was so late when got home I just collapsed into bed. I got an early morning text from Coleen to go to the gym. I decided to suck it up and go meet her there. Afterwards we got coffee and she told me she was considering her relationship a lost cause. I figured she was just having a bad day and didn't think any more of it.
After that I was home and I checked in with Lisa. We decided to make a day of sailing. It was supposed to be with her sister and bro-in-law. But they bailed and it was just us. There was no wind so we just relaxed and swam for a few hours. Then late in the afternoon the wind did pick up and we got a good three hour sail in. Lisa was loving it. She knows what to do. I want so badly to have those moments with her turn into something better but it's never happened. I told her about Carolyn and our kiss. No reaction. We ended the night having a nice dinner and again I'm home alone.
Sunday morning I get a phone call early. It is Coleen. She told me she had moved out from her BF's house. She had woke up there and he went off on her about making noise and she just had enough I guess and packed her clothes and left. I'm not sure how that will play out for for the moment they broke up. I ended up spending most of the day with her. I know I shouldn't do that but I just went with it.
So my weekend just had me bouncing around. By Tuesday I can't figure out where any of this is going. I know I've been here before and these things so rarely turn into anything but a distraction.

Toothless

I am having the strangest month. Very manic. I'm up then I'm down, never just in the middle. For starters I'm having some issues at work. Apparently my director has it in his head I am not working up to par. I guess coming in early and working late is not good enough. I'm not going to vent about this too much but I'm feeling a little persecuted.
I went to see a minor league baseball game last week. The event was really about my Uncle Jack, who threw out the first ball. It was fun to see and there were cousins all over the place. The gave was at Coney Island in Brooklyn so that in itself was eventful. I no sooner get off the train when I see 3 cousins and my uncle heading away from the stadium. They wanted to ride the Cyclone, a really old roller coaster, which is a Coney Island icon. Oh and did I mention the first stop I made before this was to order a hot dog at Nathans? Yeah, I ate the hot dog and I joined them and rode the Cyclone. It was fun but it rattled my teeth a bit because I loosened a tooth. Well, not really a tooth, but a cap. Yeah, and it is now gone.
On Sunday I was swimming in the Long Island Sound and somehow lost the cap. It is somewhere at the bottom of the ocean. It's not just any tooth, but one of my front four. There will be no pictures of me for a while. I pretty much look like a redneck.
I hope to get an appointment and get it fixed quickly. At least by Thursday. This ended was was a fairly eventful weekend. It was the strangest thing. I felt like everyone wanted me to join them for something. I was outside on Friday night with Lisa to hear a summer concert. I saw Janet there and she wanted me to go to a new place, but since I had been doing the driving and Lisa and Eleen were not staying out late I begged off. But then she called me Saturday morning and I thought I'd see her later. It didn't happen.
I had planned to sleep in on Saturday morning, but at 7:30 my cell phone started ringing. I figured it was work or something and I ignored it until I finally got up at 8:15. Turns out it was Coleen of all people. She was going to the gym and I knew I should go and of course I wanted to see Coleen. So I went at 9 o'clock and she was there waiting for me. While there I'm getting text messages from Lisa and Janet. It was crazy. Why is everyone needing to talk to me at the same time. And not one of them actually likes my in "that" way.
So I try to take the advice I get and not spend more time than I need to with any of them but I inevitably give in and find myself with some one. Saturday it was Coleen. Sunday it was Lisa. And in between I was getting more text messages from Carolyn.
Nothing is going to come of any of it. I refuse to plan on anything with any of them. Mostly because none of them will commit to anything anyway. I will not get myself to caught up in any of their shit. Yet here I am writing about it all. Maybe things will work out but it just looks like this is how it is. And now to get that tooth fixed.  

I need a miracle to change my ways.

August us half gone and this is just my second post. Oh well, that's summer. If there was any thing going on I for sure would post it. I have not really taken advantage of the warm weather too much and gotten out. Seems like work has taken over my social life for the moment even though I'm not doing too well at the job. I got stuck in the office late the last 2 nights.
I have had some time to think, which is probably never a good thing. But my thoughts lately have been how I seem to follow a pattern of getting myself close to the women I'm attracted to but only as a friend. I sit and wonder if I do this and it isn't just an accident. Like my attraction grows if a woman is just nice to me but not in a sexual way. I don't know how to fix that.
I've also been thinking about the patterns other seem to have. I've been around long enough to see how the women around me seem to repeat the same mistakes just as I do. I'm watching as Lisa gets close to this guy who already has a wife and it feels like she seems like she wants it to go somewhere although it's likely not. Then there is Janet who can pretty much have what ever she wants but she only seems to be attracted to men who are the opposite of what she wants. Guys that don't have a good job and no money and don't seem to care. She said to me recently that she thinks she may be keeping herself from anything substantial without knowing she is doing it. Well, yeah, I see that.
So as I approach another birthday and I am still pretty much in the same position as when I wrote my first post some 8 years ago it may be I will never be able to change anything. I am stuck in an endless loop like an episode of the twilight zone. All I have are these moments in time where someone came into the picture and pushed me off the tracks but in the end I find myself right back where I started.

Rocking this past Tuesday

It's been 10 days since my last post. I've been unable to get to where I need to be to put anything here. The Anon who comments about flushing all the ladies isn't something I don't consider each and every day. With that in mind I went out on Tuesday night to see some music. I knew some older friends that I knew since grade school would be there.

This is Bob. Or Mr. K. He was there with Karen, but I think they are friends. Both were married but no to each other. Still don't know if they just hang out or if there is more. I'm just glad I got out and saw people. Again we all know each other but over the years I rarely ever see them.  This what Facebook has done for us. Now we can keep in touch with old friends and see them some times.

It was a little awkward but for the most part I enjoyed myself. Bob and I were once very close, I was in his wedding party all those years ago. But after he got married we never really had time for each other so I went my own way.

Karen on the other hand is not someone I knew well at all. But she did give me a nice hello and I felt like I was welcome. There was also Leslie Ryan who I wasn't introduced to but she took a picture and posted it in FB. I may try to get it into this but thus far haven't.

So I'm still out plugging away. It's be tough to see summer end. It always goes by so quickly.

The reason I have been so slow to post on here is due to recent bouts of insomnia. Yes. I can't sleep. or at least for the last 5 days or say. But last night I slept really well. I feel like I need to start exercising again. I typically pick that up again after Labor Day. Which is just 3 weeks away.

Are these the good times?

Not too many things went right this past weekend but I've only myself to blame. But even from my mistakes I learn. First of all I couldn't get myself into the office on Friday but I was able to work from home so at least I didn't need to use up a vacation day. It all goes back to Wednesday night when I took Lisa out for dinner. We enjoyed a nice meal at a Thai food restaurant she introduced me to. But when I got home I had one more cocktail and then dragged my ass out of bed and went to work with a wicked hangover. This was Thursday and you might think I would have gotten over it by Friday morning but I had such a bad night sleep I just decided to stay home.
I consider calling in sick altogether. I knew from my last conversation with Carolyn that she would have been available on Friday for a day of boating but waking up I knew I just didn't think I could. For some reason I was holding out for Lisa. I know I need to stop doing that. So I worked from home on Friday and didn't reach out to anyone all day. It wasn't until after 6 that Lisa sent me a text asking if I was interested in going downtown to hear the live music show they have every Friday night. I said I would be there, but she said she was at her sister's and would be down later. I had the feeling she wasn't going to show and I was right. I should feel that way but I did feel a little like I'd been blown off. While I was there I saw Roberta and ended up having a drink with her. It was a pleasant one on one. I briefly saw Coleen, but after a quick hello she disappeared into the crowd. So I watched the music feeling a little alone.
I wasn't feeling like going home so when Roberta suggested doing something I went along and had one drink. I was home by 11. I considered talking to Carolyn. The last time I spoke to her she was in the middle of something and was supposed to call me back but since she never did I'd decided I wouldn't call her for a while. Her fault, not mine. I think.
On Saturday Lisa called me at about 11. She was scheduled to go for CPR training. She told me she was waiting to be picked up by one of her co-workers. I knew what that means. Pretty much every time Lisa says co-worker that means the married guy Mark. It's like her dirty little secret she hopes that no one knows about. Except she let's it slip to me every now and then. So I get to see little tells that can only mean one thing. She suddenly has gin in the house. She doesn't ever drink gin but she said she wanted a change. I know I should mind my own but sometimes I'm too smart for my own good. So when I didn't hear from her at the end of the day Saturday I could only speculate how she was spending her evening. I don't know anything for sure but if it quacks like a duck....
So anyway on Sunday I heard from my friend Chris and we enjoyed sailing for most of the afternoon. Not much wind and not much sun but it was alright. I really want to go on a short weekend trip. I feel like i want to get away.
After the boat was back at the dock I dropped into the bar for a drink. I met Coleen there along with her somewhat annoying friend Barbara. She wanted me to join them at dinner but I told her right up front I was just not up to it. Still she insisted on calling me again to see if I'd come meet them. It's rare for me to say no but I just wasn't interested.
I may have shot myself in the foot but I'm trying to distance myself from some of these women. I've pretty much looked at all the women I know and I've been pushing them all away. I just wish some one new could walk into my life but I know that's not really a solution. I even have Janet sort of waiting for me to get back to her and I've been putting it off. And she might be someone who is most pleasant to be with right now. She has reached out to me twice and I've been somewhat unreceptive. She is probably the one person I need to call back.
Early this morning I started getting texted by Lisa. Really early, like before I got to work. I felt this need to explain why I didn't call her Sunday night, even though there is no reason for us to talk. I have this urge to ask her about what is going on with her "co-worker" friend. Rule number one is: never ask a question unless you are prepared for the answer.

Not very inspired.

I'm having a bit of a down day. It's hard to put my finger on why. Some of it is that I'm still reeling from the loss of my nephew. I called my brother just to see how he was doing and he was unable to talk for more than a few seconds. He sounds like he is fine although from just a short conversation it's impossible to tell. I hoe we can have a longer talk tonight.
I was having although time at work earlier this week but yesterday I took care of what i needed by staying a little late and finishing something. I'm not feeling very motivated right now and want to take a day.
It is probably more that the Mets are in a losing streak? But that can't really set me off, right?
I guess I've been sitting around the house waiting for something to happen. I need to get moving. I guess it's time for me to reach out to friends I haven't spoken to since the funeral. I need more to happen if only so I have something more interesting to put into the blog.