Yesterday

I took yesterday off from the blog world. No mike-isms for one day. It was easy since absolutely nothing happened. Just work and home. Spent last evening with Janet and Roberta trying on the Halloween costumes we want to wear for the weekend. We sat and talked for a little while. One of the subjects was about the girl I took to dinner while I was in Florida. They was mostly curious to know when I might see her again or call. But I'm really not that interested. They got all the info about me but somehow I never thought to ask them about what their last date was ... since they never talk about it. Why is my life such an open book and I never get anybody else's stuff. Roberta and Janet were both talking about how they are only interested in younger men but they think they shouldn't be considered "cougars". Which made me sad on several levels. Sad for them because they will never find someone who really loves them. Sad for me because what's left for me if all the women are like this. We also talked about how I can't look at meeting anyone as long as I go out with these women.

Monday stuff and party plans

My day yesterday didn't amount to much. I have email conversations with most of my friends in the morning which is typical. I didn't see Janet or Roberta all weekend so we just got caught up. We all have our Halloween costumes so we will go out over the weekend. Still not sure if we will be out Friday but Saturday looks like it's planned. I'm hoping I can have a little fun although I am disappointed to hear Lisa say she was not interested in joining us. It's usually the one time we get to dance.
Yesterday I was thinking I had heard the last from Coleen, but again I was wrong. I got a text from her while I was having lunch. She had the day off for a medical appointment. The appointment was cancelled so naturally she had to tell me. Like the pathetically co-dependent loser I am I actually responded. She was home with nothing to do and I was bored at work so I picked up the phone and spoke to her. I found myself hoping to see her but I wasn't going to ask. When she mentioned something about seeing her girlfriend Jami I thought the best thing would be to let it go. Besides I had some errands to do. I suspect her plans were a lie anyway. When it comes to plans she will only commit to me when all other options appear to be eliminated.
I'm planning a party to christen my new home. I'm there almost 5 months so it's about time. I need to formulate a guest list. I want the number to be small but I don't want to exclude anyone who I call friend. I don't know if Coleen qualifies. Right now I'm considering not telling her but I'm sure it's not something I can do without her knowing. She calls me more than anyone else so I'm sure she would like to be there. I think. It's a problem I'll need to address soon. No one seems to like her much so I don't think she would be missed by anyone except me. I don't know what I want. Maybe it will sort itself out over the next 10 days or so.

The bed I've made.

I has a fairly busy weekend so the computer stayed off. So once again the fact that there were no new entries from me is a good thing. Not blogging means I'm living life while when I blog more I am mostly unsatisfied and want to bitch about it. I am still glad to have this as I find myself looking at old posts and trying to figure out exactly how I've gotten here.
Friday night I enjoyed a nice dinner with some married friends, Mariana and John, that I've know for a very long time. They just told me that they are expecting twins. Mariana had a lot of trouble with some prior events and I had thought they were not going to have children. But when she told me I gave her a big hug and shook John's hand.
I needed to get up early on Saturday so it was not a late night but I still didn't make it home about midnight. In the morning I headed over to my brother Barry's house and we did some winterizing to his boat and then went to a Power Boat Club BBQ. It is an all male event that takes place every October and I've been attending off and on for almost 20 years. It was okay but I have no spouse to get away from so it's not really the big event for me that it is for others.
I did get a call from Coleen while I was there. I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to her so at first I let it go to voice mail. But then I felt guilty and called her back. Why I can't just give her the boot once and for all I just don't know. She keeps reaching out to me and there is some stupid emotion in me that wants that. When I said I was busy all day she said I should call her the next day.
Sunday morning I was up early. My goal was to do a good workout in the gym with Lisa. But Lisa didn't show up until I was just about to finish. But we did go out for coffee afterwards so it was nice to relax and talk. I talk to her about my friends and she is very good about listening and giving me her perspective.
Then I got home and made the call to Coleen like I said I would. I considered blowing her off but again there is something that won't let me. I still hadn't seen her since that night she had gone home with Dean ... or rather went to his house after a booty call and then I had to stalk her to find out. Ugh ... I need to remind myself just how toxic this is. But our conversation was short as she was out with her aunt and I felt I had done my obligation. I called like I said I would. I don't recall how I left it.
The afternoon was warm and I went down to the boat and at the last minute I decided I was going to take a short sail. I called my sister who wouldn't go, then tried Chris who also was busy. I considered calling Coleen but I just knew that would be a mistake. So I went out alone and enjoyed that as much as I could. The little voice in my head says I should do more of that.
When I returned back to the dock there was still time before dinner so I went to the bar ... probably because I knew Coleen would be there and of course she was. There were others there too. Coleen was a little upset that I didn't consider her to go out on the boat. I think she was even a little mad. She really didn't say 2 words to me and even left without even a good bye. I guess I made that bed and now I'll have to lie in it. It will still be hard to do. I will keep busy and just not dwell on it any more. Good luck with that.

Happy Wednesday

I still feel this compulsion to write in the almost daily. It's probably not a good thing but I need the release. I've also been finding myself spending more time looking at facebook. I don't want to but I feel so disconnected lately I want to have some kind of contact so I know there are other possibilities. Right now my prospects have dried up and everyday I hope for something new that could begin and give me some optimism. On that note....
I saw the facebook of a girl I once had a thing with and sent her a friend request. It was more than 15 years since we last spoke so I'm not even sure why I did it. While she was nice to me ... slept with me on the first day we met ... I never ever felt like I was in love with her. She was in my town on vacation so things between us moved at an accelerated rate. After she went home ... more than 1000 miles away... I went and visited her once and we stayed connected through phone calls for over half a year. But I didn't like the long distance and she was talking about moving here so I broke it off. Another friend tells me she is still very much single. My feeling about her haven't really changed but I'm so desperate I really don't know what I'm doing. The last thing I need to do is fall back into a thing that has no possibility of working.
Last night I got out of the house to have dinner with my brother-in-law Ken. It was not exciting but I was glad to be anywhere but home wondering why the phone doesn't ring or why no one is sending me emails. Got home and didn't see anything so I spent the rest of the evening watching TV.

Radio station WWTF.

I made it back into the gym last night. It was good to finally go back and get some of that nervous energy out of my system. While I run I get to think a lot about my life and what I need to do. It's not always good thoughts but it does drive me.
During the day yesterday I was feeling even more lost than usual. I wanted contact with someone and my email inbox was even more quiet than usual. So I struggled through the day as best I could until finally I could leave the house and go somewhere. Then I did my workout without talking to anyone as Lisa was not feeling up to it and failed to meet me. I had to fight the urge to go into the bar afterwards. But I went home and made some dinner.
While eating dinner at about 7 my cell phone rang. It was Coleen. She called from home. She wanted me to help her dad with their new DVR that they had just gotten. That was that. You know it occurs to me that she may not even feel like I have been evading her. I never said anything to her or anyone else how hurt and rejected I am. It was after all, my hopes and dreams that died when she went home with Dean. To her I'm just one friend among many and as interchangeable as a station on the radio.
So after I explained to her dad how the DVR works she got back on the phone to tell me how she has been suffering with a cold and then her cell got a text message and she needed to go. Yeah, that's fine. I'm sure those are much more important than me anyway. Her last words were she would call back later but never happened.
So I spent the rest of the night watching TV and pretending not to care. It must be working a little since I did sleep okay. 2 weeks ago that wouldn't have been the case. Still, I need to find something better than the tv to occupy my attention. Tonight I made plans to have dinner with my brother-in-law Kenny.

Trapped in my Box.

Spent last night home alone watching Tv. After spending the day working from home I was really itching for some company but since it was just a Monday there really were no options. I was having trouble losing myself in anything on TV. No show was capturing my attention.
I need to find something better. Tonight I will go to the gym. I miss it. While on vacation I wasn't doing much. Some hard work should make me less edgy. I hope.
My only real conversation was a call I made to Lisa as she was driving home. She has a health insurance issue that I tried to help her with. She seems to talk to me less and less. I guess that is the inevitable result of her wanting to move ahead with her boyfriend. We hadn't been as close as we once were. I have been spending time with my other friends so I think I expect too much. I'm just more needy that I was a few months ago. I'll have to get over it.
I made the mistake of reaching out to someone I used to know years ago via FaceBook. Shannon and I had quite a falling out and I pushed her away to regain my sanity. I'm pretty sure she has a bipolar disorder. She could be the nicest person when she is happy but then mean and nasty over the smallest thing. She is also gay. Years ago I seduced one of her friends who was visiting and we had a relationship that lasted almost a year. She lives over 1000 miles away so it was never anything big. Shannon mentioned her yesterday and told me she was still single and had lost weight. She thinks we should get in touch. Ugh. What we had was so long ago. And she is still too far away. Besides, I need something new, not to backslide into something I know is doomed from the start. The only way that will happen is if I get out of my box.

Poker Face

I have returned from Florida. It feels good to be home although I will miss the beach. It will be some time before I can have sand and water under my feet again.
I had a really early flight yesterday. Up at 5 to make a 7 AM plane and was back in NY by 9:30. I took the train to Mineola where Lisa picked me up. She took me home and we chatted briefly then she headed home. I thought I would see her later at the Oysterfest event that we had all planned to go to. I sent her several text messages that went unanswered. So I have a feeling she never went.
I did meet Janet and Roberta there and we enjoyed the day walking around and listening to music. We took the train so we didn't need to worry about traffic or parking. It was fun but I spent a lot of energy looking for people who I never saw. I wanted to carry my vacation confidence as far as I could. But no opportunity presented itself so I'm feeling a little sad today.
The brief phone call from Coleen on Friday was all I heard from her even though she said she would reach out to me. I have mixed feelings because I still feel like I want to say a few things but I will not make that call. It's probably better that she doesn't call. I am fairly sure there was a discussion among Janet, Roberta and Jami but no one has said anything directly to me. I think Roberta did hint at it though. I have taken the attitude of playing a hand of poker and not show my cards to anyone. They will be played when I choose.