short message

Geez, I don't even know what my last post was about. I spent Thanksgiving with family members including my sister and brother. I got 2 phone calls from coleenduring the day and I felt the need to go see her but I couldn't make it happen. Again i have some odd feeling with her and I am getting no help from any of my friends or family. I am getting very resentful and I am ready to blow them all off. It's hard to do when I don't have anything from Coleen to hang my hat on but I am feeling more connected to her than anyone else right now.

A picture from the weekend.

This is a picture from Sunday's party. That is all cousins from my mom's side of the family. I am standing on the chair on the left. It was much more fun than even I expected. We were only expected to stay until 6 p.m. but we were there until almost 7.

I spoke to Coleen yesterday and all my bad feelings were just in my head. All is well although there are no plans being made. Sometimes I forget that she has lots of friends and has a good time without me all the time.

She is having Thanksgiving at home. She asked if I could come but I will be at my brother Sean's and I told her I am doubtful but I would call her no matter what happens. She doesn't mention Mark so I am wondering how she deals with him spending his holiday without her. I'll just try to keep quiet about it.

What's the deal?

I have a bad feeling about this weekend. I had decided I needed to make more of an effort to be with friends. I also had committed to a family event. It was a party fro my Uncle Jack's 80th birthday. I'll have pictures from that later. I also had dinner with Janet at her house on Sunday.

Okay I'm rambling a little. I can't really wrap my brain around things at the moment. I would like things to just be simple. That never happens. I need to start from Friday night.

I spoke to Coleen at work but it was such a short conversation I never got the chance to ask her what her plans were. I just figured I would see her but I had this feeling she was booking her weekend for Mark. So when I got off the train rather than going home I went straight to the bar for happy hour. And my suspicions proved correct as Coleen was there but was leaving to meet Mark for dinner so I was only able to talk to her for 20 minutes. As she was getting her coat on she wanted me to tell her what my plans for Thanksgiving were. I just said we will talk later. I also told her my Saturday was a party all day. With that she was gone for the evening.

Saturday was spent with my sister, and 2 brothers and also many cousins. It was fun and was an all day event. By the time I got home even though it was still fairly early I decided to stay in. I still wasn't sure about how to spend Sunday but I knew I would be watching some football and I could watch it at home or I could go up to the bar and see it there. It was a difficult decision because I knew I could likely see Coleen there but I decided to stay home and enjoy the game there. I knew I was going to have dinner with Janet and I was afraid if I saw Coleen I'd end up going to Janet's late and probably a little more drunk than I need to be.

I did drive by on the way and sure enough I saw Coleen's car there. So I am regretting not going in. But for all I know she was there with Mark so I'm better off. She could have called me too and didn't. In fact, she has been calling me less and less. So I have this feeling there will be some tension between us. Or maybe she is just getting along with Mark and not even thinking about me.

Validation comes in many ways.

I took a picture of Tigger last night who was in a climbing mood and scaled to the top of the entertainment unit. The flash make his eyes look so evil. You may notice there is a ceramic kitty to the left and if you look real close it's ears are broken off. That's because at one time he liked to push it off to the floor. It's a good 5 pound item too.

I snapped this picture last night. I wanted to post it to the blog and as I was uploading the picture from the camera to the PC my phone rang. It turned out to be Coleen who I had not spoken to since Sunday. Our time together seemed tense to me and as we said goodnight she mentioned how she expected to be busy at work. I took this to mean she didn't want me calling as much so I figured I'd just leave it for a day or 2 and see if she would call me. By last night I was feeling a little let down since she wasn't calling. I had decided I would call her but still hadn't when I finally got the call. I had even discussed it a little with Lisa. I told her I was reminded of the scene in the movie Swingers about when the lead character was trying to decide how many days to wait before calling this new girl. I'm not sure she got it.

My conversation went about as well as any other and there was no specific topic. It was just very validating to know that I am worth a phone call. There was talk about Thanksgiving and how she wanted to make dinner for her family but her brother and his girlfriend made a different plan so it will just be her and her parents. I had this huge temptation to say I would like to join them but I am already committed to my family. I will definitely be on the phone to her at some point during the day. She didn't mention what Mark's plan was but obviously he wasn't interested in spending the day with her.

The weekend will probably bring more drama. I'll be at a family event for my uncle's 80th birthday on Saturday and Sunday I am going to Janet's for dinner. I am not even sure about going out on Friday night but since it will be my only chance to see Coleen you have to figure I'll be out somewhere.

Better day

Things got better as the weekend progressed. I spent the day with Coleen. She's a little unhappy but it has nothing to do with me. So I just kept her company and she seemed better because of it. Don't know what to expect any more. I guess only time will tell.

Anyone who expects something to happen must be disappointed. It's still very much the status quo. And it's almost a year now.

New Day New Hopes

Last night was the wine tasting. I tried to take some pictures but there really weren't many photo opportunities. But I am uploading some.

I'm having a bad day for no reason at all. I'm just really sad. Maybe it's the weather - it's raining again on a Saturday - or maybe it's the fact that Coleen treated me like a stranger last night. After having a phone conversation with her every day this week I called her at work again yesterday morning. It went to voicemail which happens about half the time. So I left as nice a message as I could. Normally I would get some kind of call back but not yesterday. Not even after she left work. I didn't really mind. I mean, she has to work and all. But then I stopped in the bar for a drink before going to the dinner/wine tasting event. She was there having her usual glass of wine. When I came in she said she got my message but wasn't able to call. Then she pretty much ignored me until she left. Made me feel like I'd said something wrong, but it's probably more that she was focused on her evening out with Mark.

So during dinner Roberta started asking about what our situation is. So I told her about how Mark and Coleen were apart until Thursday when he finally got around to calling her. I also told her how they were out to dinner so they were once again a couple. Her response was as brutal as truthful. It's her feeling that I am allowing myself to be used by Coleen to fill the void in her life when she feels that Mark isn't giving her the attention she wants and as soon as Mark wants her she dumps me and goes to him. My response was that I know that it really isn't that bad that she likes Mark. I said what would really bother me is if she finally did end it with Mark and then started seeing someone else new and not me. She reminded me that she has a history of just that.

So I am thinking all about that. I can't come up with an answer. I know I am careening down this path to my own destruction. Part of me wants to wallow in my own miserable thoughts but I've too many friends who care about me enough to not allow me to. So I'll keep breathing and keep living and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

One step forward and two stepes back

It's finally Friday and here comes the weekend. It's been a very quiet week so maybe the weekend will be good. Nothing wrong with quiet. Since I was down to my last few dollars staying home was rather easy. I got paid today and I didn't overdraw my account although I was down to less than $10. By the time I finish paying bills it won't be much better this pay period either.

Tonight the plan is to attend a wine tasting event with Janet and Roberta. We will have dinner at a with the wine at a good restaurant in Bayville. I'm bringing my camera so be prepared for some new pictures tomorrow.

Probably the hardest part of this week was passing up the opportunity to see Coleen all week. We have been keeping in touch though and it's still not clear to me if there are any long term potential there. This hot and cold stuff is really getting old. When we spoke Wednesday Coleen told me she though she had been dumped by Mark. She said they hadn't spoken all week and she had not been able to get through to even leave a message. Then I speak to her Thursday and she says she was seeing him for dinner. Turns out he'd lost his cell phone and took a few days before giving up looking and got a new one. So they are seemingly back to being a couple, which I always thought anyway. Until they actually say they can't see each other anymore I will always be convinced that I need to maintain my distance. Talk of taking a trip together will stay just talk. She did call me last night at around 9 saying they just did dinner and then she was home. I feels better than imagine them together for the night. From what Coleen tells me they slept together in more than 2 months. She is probably leading me on.

I don't know how much I'll see her this weekend. I'm trying not to think about it since I have a feeling she has plans with Mark. I'll just keep busy doing things I know I need to do. Maybe I'll help Lisa move to her new place. Or just get my house back in order.