Reminiscing

Yes. I'm reminiscing. This is a picture of me from more than 30 years ago with the first girl who ever loved me. My reason for putting this picture into the blog wasn't supposed to be about her but to mention that I now have a new picture scanner that I can use to copy old pictures into digital format. So I can begin the process of taking pictures out of old shoe boxes and put them into email, blog and facebook. This also means I'll be looking to get myself a new PC.

To anyone who wonders what ever happened to the girl I can tell the story. I met Shari while I was in college and she was still a high school girl. Because she was much younger then me I at first resisted her but it wasn't long before we were a couple. Even though I was older I was very inexperienced. Together we learned about love and sex. I didn't know it at the time but she was the best partner I would ever know. At least up until now. We were together for over a year but then she went to college and by Thanksgiving we were no longer together.

We tried to stay friends but over the next year or so we spoke less and less. There was no email then so long distance meant there we were not able to even exchange a word as years went by. I've managed to talk to her a couple of times since now you can find anyone over the Internet. She is the smartest person I've ever known. She got a doctorate in Biology and then became an patent attorney. She also had a little boy about 8 years ago. She lives somewhere out of state and last I'd heard she had been engaged to someone for something like 20 years. She must have finally gotten married. The last time we spoke was about 10 years ago. It was during that conversation that I realized the girl I knew had changed and while I was glad she had done so well I was never the right guy for her. I found a more recent picture on the Internet. To me she looks about the same even 30 years later.

Live For Today

I've had a somewhat productive day at work. I have just a little time so I thought I could add some words to my blog. Can't really talk about what is happening since it's been so quiet and I am not seeing any of my friends.
Last night I got a text message from Shannon in South Dakota. She has a new cell and is notifying the world with her new digits. We had a little back and forth about nothing special. I don't know what it is about text messaging but it seems like you can go back and forth for hours and not really say anything. But it eases the loneliness having a person out there listening to my blather. I wonder if it's a single person thing or would I still want to text even when I'm sitting with someone.
I used to get a lot of random text messages ... first from Lisa and then a lot of them from Coleen. I think I go quite a few from Tracy at one time. They never really amount to anything. I think it is just lonely girls looking for anyone who responds.
It seems like I've gotten away from all that stuff recently. No online chats either. All my conversations are in real time. Which means I'm having very little social contact. It's leaving feeling very lonely and isolated. I think what scares me most is how I'm getting used to it.

Christmas in 4 days.

I was considering taking the day off from blogging but I'm home and the pc is on so ... here goes.
It will be Christmas in just a few days and I am ready as you can expect. I have enough presents and I think everyone will be happy. I just wish I could be happy. I'm not so sad or depressed, it's just the same story as all the other years. I don't feel that anyone wants to make my Christmas special.
But I will keep my eyes open and see. Right now I'm not feeling so optimistic. Probably the nature of Mondays. Hopefully as the week goes on it will pick up.
Still a lot to do this week too. Christmas day I have invited my family to brunch and still need to get the groceries. I'll make that happen Wednesday. Coleen had said something about shopping Wednesday afternoon but I'm not really expecting her to call about that. She tends to disappear from me during the week. I was happy to have her with me for all the shopping I did.
The rest of my friends I am having so many doubts about. They just haven't really been there lately. I wonder if I'm doing it. I just don't care if they hang out with me or not. Janet seems to be in this perpetual bad mood lately. She has been very judgmental and I'm not sure what to make of that. We did have a decent chat today and I may host a dinner between the holidays for some friends so I can look forward to that.

Quick note for weekend

Got almost all of my Christmas shopping done and much of it is thanks to Coleen. She and I went to many stores on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and I never would have gotten it all done had I not been called by her. Still not getting anything romantic from her but she is a real friend who helped me get through all the stress of getting presents for all the people I needed to buy for. And she made it fun.
There is so much more including a death of someone who I am not very friendly with that Coleen knew and liked. But I am here on Sunday feeling like I am no closer to love but still I know there are people who know and love me and I am important.
But most of all I have all the shopping done and I can now look forward to Christmas without fear. I didn't make it to the gym and I feel bad about that but I'll make up for that soon enough. I haven't heard from Lisa and I don't know what to make of that but she is making her own way and I guess I should let her go in so far as she needs to move on.

Can't see the forest for the trees.

Just 10 days until Christmas and I have yet to even go into a store. I'll make a list and try to make some headway in the next 2 days. I'll be off from work Thursday and Friday so my goal is the get everything done this weekend. There was talk that Coleen was taking Friday off and she might help me shop but we will see.
I'm paid today so I can figure on what ever I spend will come from that money. I'm concerned that I have been going over whatever budget I have every month since I moved and I wonder if I'll be up against a financial wall by spring. I should really be watching my bottom line much better.
We had our first snow this week. Just an inch but it was the first time I'd been able to see snow falling outside the windows of my new place. Being on the second floor rather than the basement like I was before gives me so much more serenity. My house is on a hillside and if I look out my bedroom in the morning it is quite a site. Soon I'll take a picture and post it.
For some reason I had lots of trouble falling asleep last night. When I last looked at the clock it was close to 2 AM. I'm working in the office today so I was up at quarter to six. Just 4 hours of sleep is not enough. I had zero emails or conversations so I had no social outlets at all. I guess all those thoughts start to build up and by bed time my brain is going like crazy. I even did a work out at the gym and should have been exhausted. I really need to reach out to someone at night just so I can vent some thoughts.
I thought about calling Chris but I'm a little leery about getting too "friendy". Chris is a good guy but he has such quirks that he can be frustrating to talk to. He can be such a miser ... although it may be that he just doesn't make enough money to meet his needs. He owns his house and has no mortgage since he'd paid that off some time back. He does have a loan on the house but that's practically nothing. His big expense is child support but how much can that be?
I try to give him my best advice but really ... where do I come from? But I need to tell you ... his house is in need of updating in the worst way. Everything there has to be at least 30 years old. And he refuses to turn up the heat past 60 degrees. He has to be the last hold out to get cable tv. That's right, broadcast television. No computer either. At least he has a phone. So I asked him what his daughter does when she is there, his response is that she hasn't been there in at least 4 years.
So with him no longer involved with the ex I am harping to him to update the house. I should probably mind my own business but I feel sad that he lives like a shut in. He needs to find ways to bond with his daughter and should get her to feel like it is her home too. He doesn't see it.
I need to take care of my own issues ans not focus on fixing his. That's why I hesitate to get too involved with Chris and all that goes with that. I know I have this thing where I try to be the "fixer" and that is one on my co-dependent triggers. Of course that typically only applies to women and I don't have nearly the discipline I should.
Time to start work.

A good day for Chris

This is my friend Chris. He called me last night to tell me about his daughter's music concert. She plays viola in the high school orchestra. Chris and I have been bonding over our inability to land a woman.
His situation is rather unique. He was married and divorced more than 20 years ago. About 13 years ago he met the mother of his child, Marianna, who is now 12. They were never married but he has been engaged to her not once but twice. That was more than 3 years ago but he still loves her and had hopes of making a life together. That all came apart for him this summer. Seems the woman had indicated to him that they could be a couple but then 2 months later she started seeing someone else. This has him reeling. So we have been both looking for something new while we both lament the loss of what we really wanted.
Chris was debating whether to go to since he doesn't want to see the mom. I told him he should go and be his daughter's dad and not let his hurt prevent him from sharing the moment with his daughter. Last thing he said was he didn't think he could do it. So long story short, he called me to say thanks for convincing him to go. He said it was a great moment as he got to make eye contact with Marianna while she performed. Afterwards she found him and gave him the biggest hug. Hearing this almost made me cry. Twinge of jealousy, but also I was glad for him.
So that all worked out. Now a little about me. Chris was able to spot the ex, who was there with her mom and no sign of the new boyfriend, which was Chris' biggest fear. He took my advice and rose above it. I guess I get points for being a good friend. Why do I have such good friend skills but no ability to make a girl see me romantically? Being a good person doesn't seem to count for anything.
I can't help but think I spend too much time with women who see me as a friend and I should look to be with male friends so I can look more available. At least that's what I'll try for the next while.

New places new faces

The end of another weekend. It's Monday. Even though I never made any plans I did all the usual things and saw all the usual people. Friday I called Janet and we meet up with Roberta and had drinks in a different place than usual. I don't know. Seems like we just have nothing much to say any more. Even going somewhere new wasn't much fun. We decided to go to a place that had some live music which turned out to be pretty lame.
While there I saw Coleen's brother, Steve. He told me the family was struggling with the sudden death of a second cousin. It wasn't someone who they were real close to but there was a wake and grief that comes with a death. So obviously that was why Coleen hadn't been in touch with me. At least that is what I thought. She was dealing with 2 deaths in 2 weeks.
On Saturday I was home doing nothing all day. The phone rings at about 3 o'clock and it's mailman Chris. I told him I wasn't planning to do much and I could meet him for a drink and then maybe we could hang out and have dinner somewhere. I'm thinking I need to stop doing Saturday nights with women who have no interest in me. So I went up to the bar and while there I saw Coleen who said she had been sent me text messages but I had not responded ... so obviously her phone was not working or she was just saying that as an excuse. I am reasonable sure it was her phone because on Sunday morning I got 6 messages from her all at once. She told me she changed something and they all were delivered. Whatever.
So I spent my Saturday having dinner with a guy ... no women for one night. We both want to find the right girl and we both are getting the same result. We can maybe find new places to go where I can meet someone without some girl who sees me only as a friend getting in the way. We will see how that works.