Mid week

Been unable to come up with anything good to say. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself on Monday. So bad that I couldn't get to sleep and stayed up until 2. Still got up and went to work but I was real tired. Wouldn't you know the work that day was chaos. By the middle of the day I was just angry at every one. I got an email from Lisa and I just went off on her not being able to talk to me as much because of her new job. She stopped by Tuesday night and we chatted over some wine. I felt less lonely and when she left I had the best night's sleep in more than a month.

Also heard from Janet on Tuesday although only in an email. Don't know what's up there except I don't look at it the same way. Just something to do with no more thoughts of trying to work out a date or anything.

Dealing with the fact that I am truly going through this life alone is hard. I never want to give up but I think it's what my future is. I find it hard to imagine anyone ever falling for me.

My focus lately has been on maing it to spring. Only 86 more days until I can consider it safe to go sailing. I am really looking forward to this summer. My last summer in my "40's". I want to plan a cruise on the boat but no one to cruise with. At least no one I want to cruise with. So I dream and pray for something good.

I can't believe how alone I feel

Been at this blog thing for months and the only thing that's changed is I can write a little better. My status hasn't changed with any one. A quick review.

Lisa and I had one all too brief moment. After that she stayed away from me for 10 days and was more than a little freaked out for over a month. Eventually we settled back into our regular routine. I'll probably never get up the nerve to seduce her again. I'll never stop wanting her.

Janet has repeated to me her desire to stay friends and although I see her more and more there has never been even a hint of romance between us. When I started this journal I hadn't seen her for months and I was amazed how I saw more of her as time went on. She was including me in so much of her life. Her kids seem to like me when I'm around. But our routine has pretty much settled in to being friends and when I've tried to talk about it I either stumble and fall of she bolts.

Tracy was a possibility but thing stalled when she had her knee operated on and there were complications that have kept us apart since then. I've been warned by my friend Joe that Tracy is more nuerotic than most I would be best served keeping my distance. I do think she is fun but so far I've taken his advice.

Carolyn is probably the only one I was actually close to have a sex with since I started this. She seemed to be very attracted to me and we were getting very touchy feely the one time I was on the boat with her. Her revealing that she in fact wasn't seperated but still married was a deal breaker so I stopped before things got too complex. I see her just wanting a fling. I'll see what happens in the Spring. Maybe she will have changed her situation.

Ami is someone who I really like but my shyness has definately kept me from doing anything. That and money. I am so attracted to her and I felt her checking me out a little when we last went for drinks with Steve and his friends. I told Steve I liked her and he told me she is involved with someone so I never called. I wonder if he just doesn't want me to see her for some reason. He always comes on very strong to her even though it's harmless fun. I don't feel confident enough to call her even though I have her number.

Is this it?

I've been home all weekend. I've been home every night since New Years as a matter of fact. I don't want to go anywhere. That's not really true. I've been fighting the urge to call Janet. But I can't. I want a girlfriend and she's is never going to be that. I still like her friendship and I know I'll get back to that but I need to take a break. I'll take that one week at a time. Problem is that leaves me a little lost.

Joe had a party scheduled for Saturday so I thought I could stay in on Friday night for a change. I had Saturday plans so why go out on Friday. Joe's party got cancelled so I end up doing nothing. Spent Sunday at home watching football.

Lisa was working all weekend.... we did have a couple of phone conversations. Her job leaves her no time for anything else. It almost seems as though they do this to her by design. The yoga center brings her much joy and she really is doing what she wants there but they do seem to have many "cult" like elements. It's a job that ties her up from the time she wakes up until she goes to sleep at least 6 days a week. Sunday is her only day off and this weekend she had a "master" breakfast which took until 2 in the afternoon. Then she went to a family function. She called to complain that she can't get her laundry done. I told her that it's her schedule and she can change it if she wants. She said it's not that simple. Right. She is giving all power to the Dahn Center people. It's almost as bad as my ex-wife relationship with a fortune teller. She calls me during the week but it's always on the sly. Like she is cheating by making a personal call.

Lisa bought a new used car last week and on Wednesday night I gave her a ride to pick it up. On the way there she got a cell phone call from one of her "men". I didn't ask who it was but it could only be either Tom or Powell. Both are married. Lisa didn't give me a clue as to who it was but she said goodbye by saying "I love you". I decided not to even ask. But it made me feel bad. The only way she can have a relationship is with someone who already has a wife. I have no idea when she sees these guys if ever.

So in the last ten days or so I've been thinking how I can't make anything happen with any women I have in my life. I keep looking forward to summer and how I want to take a trip on the boat. The only one I would want to be with for that kind of trip is Lisa but she won't do it. At least she might go for an overnight which is more than I think Janet would ever do. No one would ever do the kind on over night I really want.

More on New Years

Posted some pictures I took during New Years Eve. I have stories to tell.

So I was there with Janet. I went to her house and we drove to the party together in my car. It felt like a date. I was thrilled.

The first picture is of Janet and Sharon. Sharon is younger.... I'll guess 20 something. She makes and sells her own jewelry. I first met her at the Zen Tricksters show at Morgans Beach. She looked and talked like every "Deadhead" I'd ever met. I've been infatuated by her ever since. As always she came to New Years looking like something right out of Woodstock. She still doesn't even know my name.

Then there is a picture of Heather. I started shatting with her and we got into this deep conversation about her career and music and age. She told me she was 24 and I knew I was way too old to be spending time chatting with her. But I did think she was cute and our conversation was amazing. What really surprised me was she was constantly around me. She came with a date but he must have been ignoring her. We were talking and I noticed that the food buffet had started and I excused myself to get some food. I found Janet and Sue eating at a table and sat down and joined them and then Heather came a sat with us too. So here I was next to what I was hoping was my date, Janet, and this new girl, Heather was on my other side. She obviously wanted to continue our talk but I wanted to spend time with Janet.

Looking back I wish I had gone more with that. Once again I'm never prepared for what happens. I keep thinking that 24 is just not an age I can relate to but I am hoping to meet her again.   

Then there is Sue B. She gave me her email address because I took a picture of her boyfriend passed out at a table in the back. Obviously he over celebrated. His friend wasn't doing so well either. So I promised to send her a picture of it and I also took a picture of her with another guy. Later I look and I see her near the door with the other guy making out. So the passed out guy misses his girl sucking face. I guess he got what he deserved. Of course she isn't the best girl friend. Last I saw Sue's new friend had left and she was doing her best to get passed out guy into a cab. So she's not all bad.

Midnight came and Janet gave me a "friendly" kiss on the side of my face. Nothing romantic in any way. We stayed until last call and around 2 o'clock I grabbed our coats and we headed for home in my car. We got to her driveway and I shut off the car but I knew I wasn't getting in. I think she had her door open before I'd even stopped. I said I'd call her tomorrow and she said a quick goodnight and sent me on my way.

I had fun. I met some nice people. I'm not sad or disappointed. But I do feel as lonely as ever. I called Janet the next day and tried to ask her out but she said she couldn't do it. By then I'd pretty much expected that. I'll have to satisfied as friends.

2006 - new year, old story.

My New Year's Eve had some expectations but as always I didn't really get any satisfaction. I'm not really complaining as I knew what I was doing was probably out of reach. But when I got to Janet's house my impression was that we were a group of 4 going to a party. Instead I got there and it was just Janet and I. My brain started to pop and click and like the idiot that I am I was looking to make this into something more intimate than it really was.   

All is quiet this week

Lisa went away to Arizona until Saturday. I am going to her house to feed her cats twice a day until she comes back. It means getting up early and getting home from work late. I think I see her cats now more than I see her. It's a trade off since she has always been there to feed my guys.

No emails from Janet this week. I have the urge to send her something but I don't really have much to say. I've pretty much decided that I won't see her until New Years but if she reaches out to me of course I'll probably be there - where ever that might be.

Before Lisa left we had a discussion about how my relationship with Janet is evolving. She said it sounds very much like the same kind of friendship the I have with her... like it's a pattern repeating itself. That's something I already knew. I keep thinking back to Carolyn and how she was so up front sexually and how I felt all I needed to do was create the right time and place to get her. And I still might but I think my life is better off not getting involved with someone who is still part of a marriage even if she insists she is leaving.

One of the things that bothers me most is how I never been able to make someone fall in love with me. They either love me or they don't. I also am thinking that after knowing Janet for more than 2 years the only way I can change the dynamics of what we have will need to be talked about and not just suddenly appear. So I have been thinking how to have that kind of conversation without seeming too desperate. I'll let you know how that turns out.

Christmas with Janet or stupid is what stupid does

So I arrive at Janet's and her kids had already gone to their father's for Christmas dinner so we are alone. I feel really awkward. Janet doesn't give me the warm and fuzzy feeling I just left. My thoughts are still there. You think this was part of Lisa's plan? If it was, it worked. So we sat and relaxed with a glass of wine. She opened my present to her. She was pleasant although not really very enthusiastic. My mind was still on Lisa. Dammit. I spent the entire evening trying to get that feeling from Janet that Lisa gave me and I couldn't. And Janet is tremendously hot. We went to a restuarant with her mom and her brother Bill's family. They all made feel very welcome and comfortable.

During dinner my cell rings and I let it go to voicemail. It was Lisa. She makes me crazy. I was just starting to purge her out of my mind. I didn't listen to the message. But I knew it was there.

After dinner I went with Janet back to her house ... kids due back any minute. But we shared some more wine. I guess we will always be able to do that. As soon as we sit down Janet decides to call Suzy. Obviously not wanting to have to have an intimate moment with me. And of course I'm feeling awkward. Because I'm alone with a beautiful woman and don't have any signals that say "make a move". When the kids get there it's almost a relief as I was getting more and more tense. I think we both felt it.

So after an hour or so I decide it's best if I head home .... it was 9:30. I was really thinking I could still see Lisa before it was too late. Yes - she was still in my head and I hadn't heard what the message said. Anxious to hear it I said goodnight and gave Janet a kiss and said I would call tomorrow.

Listened to the message. Lisa just said to call. So I called her house. I seemed to have awakened her. She was sleeping.... probably from drinking too much at Ellen's. I told her to go back to sleep. Of course my brain thinks the possibility that she made a booty call to Tom and they were together in bed. I resisted the urge to do a drive by. Now I wanted to go back to Janet's. Couldn't do that. So home I went, feeling really alone and defeated.

Merry Christmas.