I think I'm an ass

So I've been laying low trying to stay within my budget. I had just pennies in my checking account after I took my last $20 out of the ATM last Sunday. After I'd stayed in Friday and Saturday I went down to the bar on Sunday and had a beer while watching some football. I managed to make it home with $10 still in my pocket. But then I went to dinner with Lisa where she paid but I left the tip. That was the end of money for me except whatever spare change I could find under the seat of the car. It's actually fine. I don't use any money at work since I bring my lunch and coffee is free. I had all the food I needed at home. I had no gas in the car but I walk to the train so I could get by with out driving.
Last night I got a call from Carolyn. I hadn't called her in over a week and she was angry about it. "What could I have done to make you mad at me?" Yikes. I guess it's better to get a reaction then nothing. I assured her it was not my intention. Well, maybe that's partially true. Mostly I figured anything I did would put me in a position where I had to explain how broke I was. But I also am feeling frustrated about how I'm always just a friend and there needs to be more than that. I don't feel like I'm ever going to get to be "the Man" again. It's easier to just stay home.
I felt obligated to make amends so tonight the plan is to take Carolyn out. We will see how that goes.
It occurs to me that perhaps I've been to passive. If she wants me around that bad I may ask for more than "just friendship". I'm not walking away but I need to know if I can look around. How to explain that is what is really hard.
Then on top of all this Lisa says she wants to see me more. And I called Janet this week and told her we would try and get together soon. And as my friend Jimmy said, "You're not banging any of them so don't get all worked up."

Lacking inspiration

I've been having a bit of a problem health wise. Nothing serious. Just dealing with allergies and a bad wisdom tooth. I keep messing up with Carolyn although I think it's more her fault than mine. Since there seems to be nothing going to happen between us I decided to take my neighbor Esther out to dinner on Saturday. I feel there is an attraction there but I must resist it because the last thing I need to have is a girlfriend who lives right next door. You might think that given my desperation I should not be so picky. I am wondering about that too but so far my I am using my best judgment. That and the opportunity hasn't really presented itself.
I've been taking some time off away from my blog entries. I don't know if that will change but for now I am uninspired. That may change but for now that's about it.

Weekend was a bust

I don't know if I did something but Carolyn kind of blew me off. Twice. Maybe three times. It's hard to tell when she doesn't really communicate. First off, it may even have been my fault.
I spoke to her on Thursday night about making a plan for Friday. I asked that she call me when she was done with work. Now I probably should have called her but then I would seem over anxious so I just tried to be patient. Well, when I didn't hear from her by 7 I just said the hell with it and started to make my dinner. While she never called me she did send a text at about 7:30. I didn't see it until after I'd finished dinner. Texted back and she was shopping. So no plan. I probably messed that up but I thought we had discussed it and she should call me. With that I just let it go. The truth be told this has about run it's course anyway.
I spent Saturday running errands and doing laundry that had piled up. I also made it into the gym, something I know I need to get back into. I kept thinking I would hear from Carolyn, but for some reason she doesn't want to see me. We exchanged text messages and all I get are one word responses. Finally on Monday I called her and she said everything was fine. So I suggested we get together on Monday afternoon. She said I should call because she needs to get her son's school stuff squared away. I called and got nothing back. Yeah, probably coming across as a needy bitch. So I'm sort of not thinking about it. I have plenty of other things to do. But I do have this "co-dependent" feeling. I kind of moped around my house way more than I should have. I never made any alternative plans like I know I should have.
This week I will try to focus on moving on and trying to reconnect with some people I haven't really been spending any time with all summer. That will be an evolving process. I may be spending a lot of time home too.

Aftermath

I managed to make it through another birthday without anyone making a fuss over me. My brother Barry came by during the day and we had lunch. I had an offer to have dinner with Carolyn but decided to eat with my sister and her family instead. Lisa called just to chat and she forgot it was my birthday. I had to remind her. Mom mailed me a card. That was pretty much it. No presents. I guess I will treat myself to something at some point. I made it through my money crisis - today I got paid. I hope I can get to the 15th a little better this time. I'm pretty sure I have no unexpected expenses coming in the next 2 weeks.
Now that the storm is over there is just the aftermath to deal with. My boat is fine and once my lights came on on Monday I was pretty well back to normal. The office closed on Monday and with no power I had the whole day open. I took my food to my sisters and got on the boat early and returned it back to it's normal state and it wasn't even lunch time. I spent a good part of the day napping and listening to the radio. Since I only had a couple of dollars and was still waiting for payday on Wednesday I figured I would just bum around all day.
The weather outside was sunny and warm so I sat outside for a while. Then at about 3 I got a call from Carolyn. She was at work and her son was home with no power. I knew there was a generator there and with nothing else to do I figured I would go over there and see if it would start. First I needed to open the garage. I managed to find the bypass to the electric door opener and get inside. Then got the generator out to the driveway with Wayne's help. I only had a vague idea how it worked but within 10 minutes it was running. Within an hour we had power to the refrigerator and freezer and had a light in the kitchen.
So I spent the rest of the afternoon with Carolyn's son Wayne playing chess ... he's good but not good enough to beat me. I was basically waiting for Carolyn to get home. Odd thing about them... they don't watch TV. Wayne likes the Internet but I haven't figured out what Carolyn does to relax. When Carolyn got home she fired up the grill and reheated some pasta. It was a nice dinner. I was there until almost 11. I was more than ready to go. To be honest I am frustrated. I was glad when I got home and found the lights were on.
Tuesday was my birthday and since no trains were running I set up to work from home. Before I'd even gotten started I got a call from Carolyn. I thought she was just calling to wish me happy birthday, but she really wanted me to come and start the generator. Apparently Wayne wouldn't do it. I got him on the phone and told him he needed to get it done. He was really getting me mad. He is a good kid but he is very hard to motivate. I thought he would just take care of it but I guess I expect too much from a 14 year-old.
Carolyn met me later so I could give her a 5 gallon gas can for the diesel. I asked her if Wayne is always like that and she says only with her. He reacts different when a man tells him something. I threw my 2 cents in if for no other reason than to get it out. I said I'm not his dad and he needs to step up more. But I dropped it from there. She is doing her best. So if you wonder why I'm not pushing to be her guy that is a big part of it. It's become apparent to me that she is a package deal and I'm not that anxious to go there.
Later I called her and she really wanted me to come by. But I wanted to go home. I just didn't want to go. She doesn't want to sleep with me and other than getting together to go out on the boat I'm becoming very uninterested. I did make a promise to take them out tonight. We will see.
With that I spent my birthday home alone. Not the first time and probably won't be the last.

Irene was a bitch

I survived Hurricane Irene intact. I am now out the other side better than I was. I walked out my front door in the morning and this is what I saw. Some branches were down and a few big trees went over but not in front of my house. You can't see it in this picture but there are some big branches and trees on the ground way down the street. The lights were out at about 2 AM and they did not come back on until late Monday night ... slightly less than 48 hours.

I moved my freezer stuff to my sister's house as she did not lose her lights at all. My house was never really a concern so I didn't spend much time worrying about it. It was the boat that was my biggest worry. I woke up early and of course there were not lights. I managed to get the radio working and learned that the hurricane was now a tropical storm and would be right over the marina right about the same time as high tide. I figured the best thing would be to park up the street and walk down the hill. It was a little scary as the wind was still howling but the rain wasn't coming down as hard. When I got to the beach there was no beach. The water was flowing right into the parking lot.

I got to the boats and I knew I needed to slack lines as the boats were being pushed up higher than the limit of the docks. I had this picture in my mind of seeing boats all half sunk and in disarray. I was relieved to see all the boats afloat. It wasn't quite high tide yet so there were still things to worry about. I had a bad feeling that I had not put out enough slack on my boat or Carolyn's boat. When I got there I could see that I was right and jumped on Carolyn's boat right away and let some line out. With that I checked my boat and that was fine. Within the hour the tide started to recede and the crisis was mostly over. I was tired and soaking wet but I felt like all my fears were unfounded.

I called Carolyn and told her all the boats were fine and she could relax. Of course her lights were out and they still are to now. I guess I can talk about that in my next post.

Waiting is the hardest part

I was having a hard time sleeping last night and overslept. I missed my train. I guess I’m a little worried about this storm coming. I have a few things to prepare that I will try to do tonight. When I get home tonight I will head down to the marina and get as much stuff down below as I can. I am planning to add some extra lines and try to get things as safe as I can.
The forecasters are driving me crazy. The NYC weather people keep saying it will go east and might cross LI in Queens. But Newsday predicts it will come ashore somewhere near Bayshore. That puts the marina right about in the middle. What ever happens will happen at about midday Sunday. High tide is at about 10:30 AM. That will be when there is the most at risk.
That will be my entire weekend. There isn't any money available until Wednesday so hopefully I don't need to do anything like gas up the car or go out for food. The plans for Saturday was to see J. Geils' Band but that's been cancelled. I'm sure come Monday I will be involved with cleaning up. There is a chance to get out for a little bit tonight. Maybe something will come of that.

Big Storm Coming

Hurricare Irene is heading this way and I expect that this weekend's activities will be impacted. My sister has tickets to a great concert on Saturday but it looks unlikely that it will happen. I recall this occurring a few years ago where we had a show get cancelled and we never had the storm but I can't remember the specifics. Maybe I can look it up in a prior entry.
I took my last $20 out of my checking account yesterday so I could buy cat litter and motor oil. I'm not sure which one I more desperately needed but I have all of $14 left until next Wednesday. Since my birthday is Tuesday that pretty much means a very subdued celebration. Maybe the storm is good since I won't feel like I'm missing much as everyone hunkers down to ride it out. I went down to the boat to check on what I need to do last night.
Just prior to midnight I got text messaged from Carolyn. She is worried about her boat but since I'd gone to check on it I told her everything was fine with her boat as well as mine. She wants to take down her canvas today. I will need to do the same but probably wait until Saturday. Storm should hit late enough that I can get it done. I am a little concerned.
Carolyn and I haven't spoken all week so I was glad to hear from her although it would have been nice to plan something. She seems to be super busy so I'll give her time and space and not worry too much about it. I think she knows how I feel and the best thing for me to do is just leave it alone.