I still exist. I have more than I need and I should want for nothing. Yet I don't feel satisfied. I am considering giving things away. Things I value but no longer really use. Storage has become an issue. I am making attempts to deal with it.
I want a change of direction. I am about to rid myself of debt so I can again start planning my future and stop waiting for money issues to clear up. We will see.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Thinking too much
Spending more and more time alone. Mostly by design, but I haven't been getting many phone calls either. And the ones I get I wish I hadn't. I had a bit of a problem with my sister. I am booked to go visit mom and dad later this month and she gave me a hard time because I had my arrival to be while 2 of my other brothers would still be there. So I needed to change my itinerary which was no big deal, but the attitude really pissed me off. It's taking me time to let it go.
No pictures. I've about given up on taking my camera anywhere. Don't see the point since no one thinks I take the right kind of pictures. Maybe that will change soon.
I spend more and more time with Janet. I only think it's because we both have nothing else going on. We have been enjoying each other's company but no more than that. At least it keeps me from Coleen. I've been getting used to not having her around any more. She actually called me on Saturday although I don't understand why. She has plans to travel with Mark and she says just as friends. I hear this and just want to move on. So I'm not calling her and not going out of my way to see her and most of all I'm not making these little plans in my head to get close to her. At least she still calls me although I don't see why.
No pictures. I've about given up on taking my camera anywhere. Don't see the point since no one thinks I take the right kind of pictures. Maybe that will change soon.
I spend more and more time with Janet. I only think it's because we both have nothing else going on. We have been enjoying each other's company but no more than that. At least it keeps me from Coleen. I've been getting used to not having her around any more. She actually called me on Saturday although I don't understand why. She has plans to travel with Mark and she says just as friends. I hear this and just want to move on. So I'm not calling her and not going out of my way to see her and most of all I'm not making these little plans in my head to get close to her. At least she still calls me although I don't see why.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
New post - Yea!
It's been weeks but I still have a blog. I haven't felt I had anything to say in a while. August is done and now most of September too. Since my last post I took Coleen to see a concert - Kid Rock, and I took Janet to see a concert - Loggins and Messina, and I had a date with some one new - Angela. And that was just in August. None of them really meant much.
I will start with Angela. She was a fix up from a friend of mine I know through the boat dock. Hank asked if I was interested and I stupidly said I was. She was mostly interested in sailing and since I felt I wanted to do that I asked her to come out for an evening sail. I mostly just wanted to shake things uo but honestly I couldn't wait until it was over. It was a nice evening but I made sure not to say anything committal and when I said good night my intention was that I wouldn't go out with her again. She ended up calling me about 5 times but I haven't seen her since.
While my concert with Coleen was fun I decided to distance myself from her. Since I took her to that I have been seeing less and less of her. In fact she did something that at the time I thought was mostly thoughtless on her part. It was Friday night happy hour and I went to the bar hoping I might see her in addition to other friends I hadn't seen in a while. Seems like many other had the same idea, as Janet was there along with Chris and Jami and Dave ... just about everybody I hang out with on Friday nights. So I go in mostly hoping to talk to Coleen and she is there as always. But she is talking to everyone it seems but me.... and says she sees Bunky of all people and needs to see him about something and she says this loud enough that everyone hears .... then the next thing I know she is gone. Both Chris and Janet separately said - what was up with that. I was annoyed but I just sucked it down and tried to let it go. I keep making little plans in my head and not I try to dismiss them. I don't need to spend anymore time thinking about her.
Janet and went to see Loggins and Messina and I had a great time but Janet didn't seem to really get into it. She just isn't into that kind of music. I really like her and we seem to be spending so much time together but she can be so cold that I can't picture ever getting close to her.
Oh well... I'm getting back to work... more later.
I will start with Angela. She was a fix up from a friend of mine I know through the boat dock. Hank asked if I was interested and I stupidly said I was. She was mostly interested in sailing and since I felt I wanted to do that I asked her to come out for an evening sail. I mostly just wanted to shake things uo but honestly I couldn't wait until it was over. It was a nice evening but I made sure not to say anything committal and when I said good night my intention was that I wouldn't go out with her again. She ended up calling me about 5 times but I haven't seen her since.
While my concert with Coleen was fun I decided to distance myself from her. Since I took her to that I have been seeing less and less of her. In fact she did something that at the time I thought was mostly thoughtless on her part. It was Friday night happy hour and I went to the bar hoping I might see her in addition to other friends I hadn't seen in a while. Seems like many other had the same idea, as Janet was there along with Chris and Jami and Dave ... just about everybody I hang out with on Friday nights. So I go in mostly hoping to talk to Coleen and she is there as always. But she is talking to everyone it seems but me.... and says she sees Bunky of all people and needs to see him about something and she says this loud enough that everyone hears .... then the next thing I know she is gone. Both Chris and Janet separately said - what was up with that. I was annoyed but I just sucked it down and tried to let it go. I keep making little plans in my head and not I try to dismiss them. I don't need to spend anymore time thinking about her.
Janet and went to see Loggins and Messina and I had a great time but Janet didn't seem to really get into it. She just isn't into that kind of music. I really like her and we seem to be spending so much time together but she can be so cold that I can't picture ever getting close to her.
Oh well... I'm getting back to work... more later.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Comings and goings.
Took Coleen to a concert last night. On the one hand it was fun. She is always good to be with. On the other it was just a night out with a friend. She was great to take to a concert, she claps, and sings and dances. I wish I'd met her 20 years ago. I wonder if she even knows how much fun she is to be around.
It was a non-drinking event too. That's the second time we were able to be out and not drunk and still having a good time. I worry too much. I guess my sister has me more self-conscious than need be.
I did get a call from Janet while I was out. She was looking for something to do on a rainy day. I never know what to expect with her. I know there is no romance from that direction but she keeps reaching out to me. Like she isn't really sure. My timing is always off. I think I'm going to try to spend more time with Janet in the next few weeks.
It was a non-drinking event too. That's the second time we were able to be out and not drunk and still having a good time. I worry too much. I guess my sister has me more self-conscious than need be.
I did get a call from Janet while I was out. She was looking for something to do on a rainy day. I never know what to expect with her. I know there is no romance from that direction but she keeps reaching out to me. Like she isn't really sure. My timing is always off. I think I'm going to try to spend more time with Janet in the next few weeks.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Still here
Life is never as good as you'd like it but never as bad as you fear. Summer is a little more than half gone. While it hasn't been a summer to remember, I have had a good time. I wish I in love and waking up and having breakfast with someone after spending the previous night in each other's arms. But that's just a pipe-dream at this point and the realization that I'll never see that again is becoming more and more apparent. It's bearable.
I still spend way more time with Coleen than anyone else. If I go back and read the earlier blogs I see myself wanting to get closer to her and now I am. When I think on that I feel like I can almost accomplish anything. That being said I've really hit the wall. It's gone as far as I want it to go. She still considers Mark her guy even though she barely talks to him and sees him maybe once a month. Still he asked her to take off to spend a weekend away with him and she went.
My other friends Janet and Roberta are still giving me a hard time but they haven't abandoned me. I have been going out of my way to keep them separate and they called me on it this week. I simply said that I don't want to "compartmentize" my friends but I feel I can't get in the middle when friends of mine are not able to be friends. I still fail to understand why it's so bad that to be in the same room is so uncomfortable but I've given up on trying to change it.
So I'm here on a beautiful Saturday morning and I have nothing to do. Last night I went dancing with Roberta and Janet even though I had hopes of going with Coleen. It was supposed to be an outdoor event but it rained so thing moved indoors. Coleen said if it's inside she wouldn't bother. I considered blowing it off and going home early, but I'm glad I went. Dancing is so much fun. I may have made a spectacle out of myself but no one seems to mind. It ended at 10:30. Coleen said she would call me later but my cell phone never did ring. I had a feeling she was seeing Mark. Which means she sat on the couch watching TV and Mark drank beer until he passes out. What a catch. Janet and Roberta wanted to go out some more but my limited budget said I should break for home and get some food. Since I didn't eat dinner I went home and had some leftovers. Went to bed by 11:30.
There is more weekend left so I need to shut this off and get to it.
I still spend way more time with Coleen than anyone else. If I go back and read the earlier blogs I see myself wanting to get closer to her and now I am. When I think on that I feel like I can almost accomplish anything. That being said I've really hit the wall. It's gone as far as I want it to go. She still considers Mark her guy even though she barely talks to him and sees him maybe once a month. Still he asked her to take off to spend a weekend away with him and she went.
My other friends Janet and Roberta are still giving me a hard time but they haven't abandoned me. I have been going out of my way to keep them separate and they called me on it this week. I simply said that I don't want to "compartmentize" my friends but I feel I can't get in the middle when friends of mine are not able to be friends. I still fail to understand why it's so bad that to be in the same room is so uncomfortable but I've given up on trying to change it.
So I'm here on a beautiful Saturday morning and I have nothing to do. Last night I went dancing with Roberta and Janet even though I had hopes of going with Coleen. It was supposed to be an outdoor event but it rained so thing moved indoors. Coleen said if it's inside she wouldn't bother. I considered blowing it off and going home early, but I'm glad I went. Dancing is so much fun. I may have made a spectacle out of myself but no one seems to mind. It ended at 10:30. Coleen said she would call me later but my cell phone never did ring. I had a feeling she was seeing Mark. Which means she sat on the couch watching TV and Mark drank beer until he passes out. What a catch. Janet and Roberta wanted to go out some more but my limited budget said I should break for home and get some food. Since I didn't eat dinner I went home and had some leftovers. Went to bed by 11:30.
There is more weekend left so I need to shut this off and get to it.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I have issues
It's still July. This has been a really quiet week. Feels like no one wants to talk to me. Except Coleen, but she only wants to be friends. She is reminding me of that now pretty much with every conversation. This is making me sad and frustrated. I'm pretty sure Janet is in a tiff about something, which for her is really bad. She is probably a little put off because I spent my Forth of July with Coleen. Or she is just busy. It's hard to tell since no one is keeping me in the loop.
The real kicker is my sister called me to say I need to go to an AA meeting. She thinks I have a drinking problem, which I'm not sure I want to argue with her about. I just think I need to take a long hard look in the mirror. I want to tell my friends but they all probably have bigger drinking problems than me. So I've been rolling that over in my head all week.
So here I am doing this rather than working. I am considering going away this weekend alone and doing some soul searching. That and I just want to take the boat away and no one else is that interested in joining me. I might be causing this situation, I don't know. I think I have been dissing my friends for Coleen, but given a choice I have been choosing her and that was not what I wanted, it's the way my friends have made it.
The real kicker is my sister called me to say I need to go to an AA meeting. She thinks I have a drinking problem, which I'm not sure I want to argue with her about. I just think I need to take a long hard look in the mirror. I want to tell my friends but they all probably have bigger drinking problems than me. So I've been rolling that over in my head all week.
So here I am doing this rather than working. I am considering going away this weekend alone and doing some soul searching. That and I just want to take the boat away and no one else is that interested in joining me. I might be causing this situation, I don't know. I think I have been dissing my friends for Coleen, but given a choice I have been choosing her and that was not what I wanted, it's the way my friends have made it.
Monday, July 6, 2009
What happened
Wow, I completely missed June. The time spent between the holidays of Mem Day and the Forth were dreary and rainy. I haven't had an excuse to take any pictures the entire month. For the most part not much happened until most recently. I did get away to Florida to visit dad for a week. When I was there my mom flew north to see the rest of the family. So I got a lot of one on one time with dad.
My dad is currently battling cancer, emphysema and just old age. So it was pretty emotional when I left because there is a very real possibility he can be gone before my next visit. We did a lot of talking and had some real bonding moments. We also did a few projects he wanted done. It's really hard to get him to slow down, but mom says it's because he doesn't want us to know he's not able to keep up as much. He would get fatigued but wouldn't stop until he almost passes out. But he is still doing all the things he needs to and gets up early and moves around fine. I guess what I'm most afraid of is that he won't let us know how sick he is until it's so bad he will be in the hospital. My plan is to make another trip down in the fall. I just hope his health is still good.
Once again I have been finding myself seeing more and more of Coleen. I've never been like this with anyone. We are still just being friends, but lately she is all I can think about. I really love her. I was spending a lot of time with Janet in the hopes that I can reset me mind onto something else. But it hasn't worked at all. Janet is so beautiful and thin and blond and I should be so attracted to her but there is nothing. I see Coleen and I just want to take her in my arms and make her mine. It doesn't really matter because I can't get to first base with either of them.
Last Friday I was out with Janet and some other friends and it was fine, not bad but nothing special either. We were listening to some outdoor music in the village. I kept hoping Coleen would come down, but she never did even though she knew I was there ... knew I was there with Janet. After the music ended we went into our favorite bar and I had hoped Coleen would be there but she had just left. After about 10 minutes my cell phone rang and it was Coleen. She was up the street but was heading home soon. So I was tired and thought I'd call it a night. Then I get in my car and do a drive by where Coleen was. I am walking in just as she is walking out. We sit for a little while and I have one more drink. Suddenly I'm not so tired. We made plans for the 4th, since she isn't seeing Mark. But she can't stay and she lives only a hundred feet away and walks home.
The Forth of July had to be one of the best days I've had in a long time. We spent the entire day together. I picked her up and we ran some errands to get things ready for the fireworks. Then we were at my sister's then her brother's then stopped and had a glass of wine. All the time she is with me. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. Then we went to the boat and waited for my family to come down to see the fireworks. There was a lot of wind but it was a clear warm evening. Everyone got on board and we saw a great show. Coleen looked like she was enjoying it and that made me glad. Back at the marina my family all left and we were visiting all the other people at the dock. Coleen was especially outgoing. It was so great to have her be a part of everything. We never really had a moment alone until it was time to go. There was one instant where she felt she needed to remind me that we are friends and there would be no overnight on the boat. When it got late I drove her home. It felt like neither one of us wanted to end the night so we took a drive by the high school just so we could sing a song together on the radio. It was a good moment. Then at her house she got out and I leaned in for a kiss and unfortunately got nothing but cheek. With that she was gone and I am left with the memory of a great day.
I wish I knew how to break this pattern of friendships with girls I like. I know I need to be more upfront about what I want from people but I'm just not able to. I shouldn't have hopes but I still do. I'm just counting the minutes until the next thing. I play this over and over in my mind but it never works out the way I would like it to. I can ask the question, but I think I know the answer will be "No, I don't like you like that". So how can I make this change? It will but meanwhile I ache.
My dad is currently battling cancer, emphysema and just old age. So it was pretty emotional when I left because there is a very real possibility he can be gone before my next visit. We did a lot of talking and had some real bonding moments. We also did a few projects he wanted done. It's really hard to get him to slow down, but mom says it's because he doesn't want us to know he's not able to keep up as much. He would get fatigued but wouldn't stop until he almost passes out. But he is still doing all the things he needs to and gets up early and moves around fine. I guess what I'm most afraid of is that he won't let us know how sick he is until it's so bad he will be in the hospital. My plan is to make another trip down in the fall. I just hope his health is still good.
Once again I have been finding myself seeing more and more of Coleen. I've never been like this with anyone. We are still just being friends, but lately she is all I can think about. I really love her. I was spending a lot of time with Janet in the hopes that I can reset me mind onto something else. But it hasn't worked at all. Janet is so beautiful and thin and blond and I should be so attracted to her but there is nothing. I see Coleen and I just want to take her in my arms and make her mine. It doesn't really matter because I can't get to first base with either of them.
Last Friday I was out with Janet and some other friends and it was fine, not bad but nothing special either. We were listening to some outdoor music in the village. I kept hoping Coleen would come down, but she never did even though she knew I was there ... knew I was there with Janet. After the music ended we went into our favorite bar and I had hoped Coleen would be there but she had just left. After about 10 minutes my cell phone rang and it was Coleen. She was up the street but was heading home soon. So I was tired and thought I'd call it a night. Then I get in my car and do a drive by where Coleen was. I am walking in just as she is walking out. We sit for a little while and I have one more drink. Suddenly I'm not so tired. We made plans for the 4th, since she isn't seeing Mark. But she can't stay and she lives only a hundred feet away and walks home.
The Forth of July had to be one of the best days I've had in a long time. We spent the entire day together. I picked her up and we ran some errands to get things ready for the fireworks. Then we were at my sister's then her brother's then stopped and had a glass of wine. All the time she is with me. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. Then we went to the boat and waited for my family to come down to see the fireworks. There was a lot of wind but it was a clear warm evening. Everyone got on board and we saw a great show. Coleen looked like she was enjoying it and that made me glad. Back at the marina my family all left and we were visiting all the other people at the dock. Coleen was especially outgoing. It was so great to have her be a part of everything. We never really had a moment alone until it was time to go. There was one instant where she felt she needed to remind me that we are friends and there would be no overnight on the boat. When it got late I drove her home. It felt like neither one of us wanted to end the night so we took a drive by the high school just so we could sing a song together on the radio. It was a good moment. Then at her house she got out and I leaned in for a kiss and unfortunately got nothing but cheek. With that she was gone and I am left with the memory of a great day.
I wish I knew how to break this pattern of friendships with girls I like. I know I need to be more upfront about what I want from people but I'm just not able to. I shouldn't have hopes but I still do. I'm just counting the minutes until the next thing. I play this over and over in my mind but it never works out the way I would like it to. I can ask the question, but I think I know the answer will be "No, I don't like you like that". So how can I make this change? It will but meanwhile I ache.
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