I got the Monday blues

It's real quiet today. Just like the weekend was. So I can blog about nothing today. Sometimes those are my best blogs.

I have yet to see Lisa since the start of the New Year. We still chat online though. It seems like everytime we do chat she's got Carmine there. I don't believe they've moved in together yet, but that's a reality that will soon come. I try to be fine with that but I do find it easier to just stay at a distance. This feels very much like how I've gotten close to other girls and made the mistake of feeling like I would always maintain a friendship, but as soon as they get involved with someone I become like yesterday's old newspaper.

So I still have all my other friends. But I do get lonely all the time. I missed not having anyone to hang out with last weekend. I did have a couple of conversations with Roberta. She was laying low like I was. It just seems like she wants to have a closer relationship with me but nothing romantic. It used to be frustrating but now I've settled into things being how ther are with both her and Janet. Sometimes I need to have faith that God has a better plan. I had my iPod on shuffle this morning and Garth's song Unanswered Prayers came on. I guess I needed to hear that.

I wish I didn't get so obsessive about who I like. I keep having thoughts of Coleen and I can't understand why. I build up these relationships in my mind that just have no expectations for ever being romantic. I was having this internal argument all weekend about going out in the hopes that I would see her. I had made up my mind that I have to make an effort to not do that. It's not working. While I had my chance to ask her some real questions I just chatted about fluff. I could had real one-on-one face time with her but instead I needed to bounce around talking to everyone. Will it be better over time? I doubt it. 

Friday night I was talking to Chris... a guy who apparently also likes Coleen. He was saying how he tried dating her before she was serious about her boyfriend Mark, and now he happy as her friend to the point where he joins them for dinner quite a bit. I missed that before but now that I take a second look I realize that Coleen isn't giving me special attention, she's just like that. So I'm just trying no to get any expectaions but it's hard. And lonely.

I also find myself wondering about Olga and why she sent me a CD of music for Christmas. I have this urge to respond. I'm just afraid to have her back into my life. She is so unstable I can't imagine anything but bad things will result. But I do wish I could see her again. But again, I'm just lonely.  

Still just me

Went to have dinner with the gang last night. On the plus side; it was a lot of fun and the meal was excellent. I also go to spend a little time talking to Coleen. On the negative side; I think I'm not going anywhere with Coleen anytime soon. While she seemed really glad to see me and I did talk to her more than anyone else on the evening. she also mentions her boyfriend in every other sentence and she looks like she is really happy in her relationship. She also left really early. I guess I wasn't interesting enough for her to stay. No sparks. 

So the rest of my weekend should be quiet. I'll probably be home.  

It's a quiet week so far

As I get farther into the week I keep wondering if this year will be different or more of the same. There are changes from last year no doubt. This time last year I was still wondering if Lisa would ever be an option, and still hoping I could somehow find love in the eyes of Janet or Roberta. Now I don't even give that a thought. Not even Lisa gives me pause. Unless someone starts looking at me different I'm just enjoying the bonds of friendship from wherever that comes from.

At least I don't feel unlovable. From what I'm told Jami likes me that way, but she's just not what I think I want. I guess I'll know it when I see it but for now I'm keeping my distance. And, of course, Coleen is Jami's close friend.

I returned to the office on Wednesday and someone left me a homemade music CD and a note without a name. It perplexed me all morning where it could have come from. Songs I'd never heard of with provocative titles. One was called "The Itch". Finally just before lunch someone came by and told me it was from Olga - who was fired from here 5 years ago. We also saw each other for a while after that and we even slept together once. We didn't have sex though mostly because I got too drunk. Not that we didn't try. Since then she became mean and I stopped talking to her. I haven't seen her in 4 years and only spoke to her once in the last 2 and she hung up on me. Why would she be sending me a present? I won't call her. But still... this little voice says I should do something.

Anyways ... more pictures...

 

I had a dance with Jami. She sticks her tongue out.

Janet, Roberta and Jami

I don't know who this is but she was asking Roberta about me. Of course Roberta doesn't mention that until the next day. I didn't even talk to her. I thought she was there with a date.

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The somewhat complete story of New Years

So it's the end of the first day of 2008. It's off to a good start. We will wait and see what the coming days bring but I do feel very optimistic. I didn't want to get myself too excited about going out last night but I definately was looking forward more than usual. While was going to really enjoy seeing my friends I also was hoping to see Coleen again so what a surprise it was when my cell phone beeped with a text message at about 7 o'clock and it was from her. She just said happy new year but it meant I must be on her mind. I sent a message saying I was on the way to the bar we hang out in.

She came in about 20 minutes after I got there and she was dragging her boyfriend behind her. Coleen's boyfriend seems to keep some distance from her whenever they come around. Can't get much sense from that but I figured my place is to stay away and watch my step. So I sipped my wine and mixed with everone. I was having a good time.

The band came in and started to set up and we could tell they were going to be loud. They kept bringing in bigger and bigger speakers. When the music started Coleen and I spontainiously started to dance...

 

She was having as much fun as I was. Roberta grabbing my camera and was snapping pictures. It's really hard to tell how cute she is from the pictures that she took. We danced a lot but Coleen and Mark ... her boyfriend left after the first set. I prefer not to think about why. Only that the best part of the night was spent dancing with her and I'm looking forward to the next time.

There is more but it may be I'm letting my imagination get the best of me.

New Years Eve party pictures

Hey ... something going on here..... danced with Coleen on New Years. She was there with Mark... I'm going to call him "the old boyfriend".

Anyway ... pictures are here. They really aren't  great but I'm definately "in like". She was totally flirting with me all night. Oh and also ... left me a text message before I'd even left the house.

Maybe not such a lost weekend after all

I was feeling better so at areounf 3:30 I headed out the door and made it into the bar to watch football. I got there and of course Jami and Chris are ther and Linnie was behind the bar. I thought I would just have a beer or two and go home for dinner.

I was actually enjoying the game when just before halftime in strolls Coleen. (With one "l" ... before I thought it was with 2). So she says hello to everyone before she noticed me there. She gave me a nice hello and mentioned to me how I'd been missed while I was home sick the last 2 days. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and wished me Merry Christmas. So we talked and somehow we exchanged phone numbers. But then she mentions how my wife would be upset if she called ... I'm answering "wife? what wide? I'm divorced longer than you are." She somehow thought I might be married and was just feeling me out. Somehow from there we were playing with text messaging on our cell phones when suddenly she said she needed to go. And out the door she went.

Obviously I'm trying to make more of this than there is. If something happens I'll be as shocked as anyone. Still she must know I'm interested by now. Still the best advice I've gotten is to just come right out and say how I feel.

To be continued.....

A lost weekend

Been home the entire weekend. I've been dealing with a cold for the second time this month. I missed drinks with Lisa and some our mutual friends ... okay so they are really her friends but I know most of them. Then last night we postponed the Christmas dinner with Janet and Roberta and others. Roberta is just as sick as I am. So now I don't when that will happen.

So my entire weekend has been spent inside. That's pretty much been my Christmas season. Mostly spent by myself. No parties, barely making it out into the world for anything. I feel so old. Like I'm done. I just hope it's just a temporary thing. That I will soon have better days. At least I know most of my friends seem to miss me. I just hope I can have a little fun on New Years Eve. If I don't feel better I may just skip that too.

I also missed out on seeing my parents before they left for Florida on Saturday morning. I was afraid to see dad with a cold. I wouldn't want to take a chance on him coming down with anything. He suffers from emphyzema and a mere sniff of a cold puts him in an oxygen tent in ICU. So I stayed in.

So I'm watching Sideways on TV. There is a moment in that movie where they all have a picnic with wine at sunset. Brings me to my boat when I've had a few moments close to that. The only thing really missing is the falling in love part.