Middle of the week

Still here in Florida. Not doing much. Spent entire day with Dad. We did chores in the garage but at least we got enough done. Getting a lot of quality time and I feel good about that. You see, my dad has emphezema so every day here is precious. It's hard to guess what the next trip may be like.

I've been getting midnight phone calls from Lisa. She is working so much at the center .... early in the morning until late at night and then she has to run to my house and feed my cats and only then can she go home to bed. She's probably averaging 5 hours of sleep a night. I told her I would take her to dinner on Saturday night and then she should go home early since she will be busy on Sunday. She responded by saying she want to go dancing. Now I get to find a place for that. She also wants me to come to the Christmas party Friday night but I had asked Janet to meet me for a drink at Stango's. I feel like I should go to Lisa's thing because she has done so much for me while I'm away. But Janet will be more fun.

Stay tuned. Meanwhile I'm here in Florida for 2 more days. Then back to the snow and cold of New York.   

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was making out with this girl. She didn't look like anyone I know but she had red hair and freckles. Very Irish looking. Maybe it was fortuitious. Maybe my passion is starting to awaken.  

Almost a week has gone by

I'm in Florida visiting Mom and Dad. Got here Friday morning. My brother Barry was here with me until today. We had planned to scuba dive until Friday but something came up at his job. My sister is also here with a friend of hers. She leaves on Tuesday. So I get to spend the last 2 and a half days with just the parents.

Lisa drove me to the airport on Friday. She picked me up at 5 a.m.and we almost didn't make it in time because her car was not working right. We got 15 minutes out and then turned back and got my car. I just made my flight. We've been chatting several times a day since I've been here. I miss her.

I'm also missing Janet. I sent her an email on Friday about how the weather is. She reminded me to wear sunscreen. 

Before I left last Thursday night I went to Roberta's house to pick up some things I'd left after the party last week. We had pizza and chatted about my life. I may have let out just a little too much about my feelings for Janet but I really wanted some feedback about if there was anything there other than friendship. I left with more questions than answers. I wonder a little about how Roberta feels about me too.

I always seem to come back from Florida ready to make thing happen. Maybe the time I take here clears my head. I am hoping I can come home and have some movement that takes me in a new direction. I may be able to clear up my bad financial position by then too.  

Welcome back

My Thanksgiving included spending time with everybody. Wednesday night I got out of work late so I didn't get home until past seven. I called Lisa and I went to her house and we shared a glass of wine. I was hoping she and I would see each other on Thanksgiving Day at her sister Ellen's. I suggested I could stop by but she said she wanted to leave there early and she was concerned that she had to have a clear head for work on Friday. So I didn't see her.

I got a call on my cell from Janet on the way home and we made plans for dinner on Friday. Her idea! She would cook lobster. A gift from her dad. Three live lobsters. So I got there and we had an evening that included all three of her kids coming and going at various times. It kept things casual and relaxed. Not a single romantic moment that I could see and she kicked me out at 11. Still, it was the first time I had spent alone with her. We talked about everything but when I got around to asking about her last boyfriend I could tell I'd stumbled onto a taboo subject. She did give me a little insight on how she feels it's very diffecult for her to trust anyone.

So the next day was Roberta's party. Lisa was invited but chose to stay home because she had work priorities. So I got more quality time with Janet. I had mentioned my dinner and there seemed to be a little gossip going on about it. Sue wants to know when I plan on moving to Glen Cove. I am always trying to hide just how much I like Janet so we don't have those uncomfortable moments but I do get a sense that everybody knows that I really do like her a lot. I've never been that good about hiding my feelings. So the fact that Janet has maintained her distance tells me she doesn't want to turn up the heat.

Janet lives pretty close to Roberta and she had walked there and I walked her home. Unfortunately it didn't lead to anything and I was on my way home as soon as she was inside her front door.

Struggling to stay positive

I had a fun time Friday and Saturday nights. I saw Janet both nights and while I still like her a great deal I've pretty much found that our relationship will never evolve past the friendship stage. As always I get to people only on that level. She really does like me, but only in a platonic way. I see her as beautiful, and fun but never with that look that I need to feel.

Friday night I went to the Italian Restaurant in Glen Cove and we had wine and enjoyed the other friends that we've made there. On Saturday we had dinner in a group of six. At the last minute Lisa called and said she wasn't working so I invited her to join us which she did. After we ate no one could come up with a good place to go so Lisa headed home. I walked her to her car and she pretty much just wanted to leave as quickly as she could. Just a quick goodbye ... no kiss or anything. So I went back and joined the group. We went to a dumpy little place that had no one there on a Saturday night. They had a pool table so I got to play and we also picked songs from the jukebox.

Since I'd pretty much figured out I wasn't ever going to get anywhere with Janet but still like the friendship we built I said to her that I felt that we would be around each other alot. I only hope that made her feel glad.

Sometimes low self-esteem is just good sense

"Sometimes low self-esteem is just good sense"

Heard that in a movie last week. Actually the self-esteem thing isn't the big of a problem right now. Even though I haven't been close to getting a woman in what must be 100 years by now I can at least say I've made many friends. I know the only thing in my way has to be a little of my lack of assertiveness and good looks. It would help if I was wealthy. Right now I desperately need $2500.

Tired Wednesday

Lisa returned from her trip to Sedona in Arizona early this morning. Her flight landed on time at 5:20 a.m. and I was there to pick her up. I was exhausted from being out with Steve the night before. It was great to see her but I felt so strange. I wanted to talk but we were both so tired we could maintain a conversation. By the time I dropped her at home and got back to my house I needed to jump into the shower to get to work. Probably not a good idea to out the night before even though I didn't stay out late.

Steve's friend Ami (pronounced Ah-my) was there and I keep getting this feeling she likes me. I already put out the vibe that I like her and I'm sure Steve said something to her. Problem is, Steve loves to flirt with her and even though she is one of his wife's closest friends I think she likes it too. So I always feel like I am getting in his way... it's just an odd dynamic because I wanted to talk to her. So at a point in the evening I did get to have a nice conversation with her and I wanted to know about her boyfriend status.

She said she is single but I never moved in to seal the deal because Steve wanted to talk to her. So I let it go. I'm not sure how much she's my type but I really am attracted to her.  I really need some money to make anything happen. Why is it when there are oppertunities I am always broke.

Speaking of oppertunities, Janet want to have dinner again this Saturday. This is getting to be such a regular thing. Of course there will be the usual group there. Still having fun although I'm not sure how I can pay for dinner.

Just another day

I got an email from Janet yesterday. She is dealing with family issues plus she is down with a sore throat. She confided to me that her 14 year old son Spencer has been diagnosed with depression. She also let me know that her daughter Sam and ex-husband Mark all had similar bouts with depression. It's so sad that someone as upbeat and alive as Janet is surrounded by such sadness. Bring thoughts into my head of those moments of dispair that I've felt. I seem to get depressed and sometimes feel overwhelmed and I don't even know how avoid falling into the abyss that our minds can take us to. I remember my summer vacation where I didn't leave the house for 3 days and I was struggling to get out of bed. Somehow I forced myself to do something and finally had some great days.

What little I know is that depression can be chemically induced which means the sufferer can't always be responsible. There are activities that I'm sure can create the right balance of .... I'll say endorphins. Janet says that the likelihood is that Spencer will have to take some kind of medication. I can see how she really loves her kids but she struggles sometimes. I know the best I should do is just listen and try not to get too emotionally involved but my "co-dependent" part of me wants to try to "fix" things.

How come I can get close to someone like Janet but only as a friend? Do I only assert myself in gestures of friendship?