Weekly words

Hopeful? Maybe not the right word for my mood. Maybe I only want to be hopeful. It gets so hard not to be disappointed sometimes.

Since I had that long talk with Lisa that included a really great kiss we haven't really had more than a minute or 2 to talk. She must be avoiding me. I also don't want the confrontation. But it is making me very sad. I guess I miss the nice feeling I used to get when she gave me some of her time. Somewhere I can hear this little vioce in my head telling me this is what we should have been all along. No sense pining for someone that I'll never get. So I've been avoiding all the little things I could do to contact her. But I found myself thinking about doing a drive-by her house. Like that would fix things... fix what? Go back to what was there before? That's not healthy.

Wednesday night I squirrelled my cell phone into the bottem of my backpack and didn't notice a missed call until I was getting ready for bed. It was a number I didn't recognize. There was a voice message. To my pleasant suprise it was Janet calling from home. She wanted to know if I could go to a dinner/wine tasting next month. It was way too late to call back but I would definately go and needed to tell her. I send an email.... so impersonal ....  and promised a followup phone call the next day. I need to get $50 to her and we agreed to maybe get together on Saturday. Saturday! That's, like, date night? I wish I had perspective. I still don't get a vibe from her that means anything other than she would like to be my friend. Part of me really wants to shy away from another woman who I like way too much to want friendship. All I really need is to be a little more aggressive but in a way that doesn't create tension. Well, maybe a little tension.  

So I will try to take some action and have some more substance for this thing. Maybe make it worth reading one day.

I need to vent

Been running through my mind what has been happening with Lisa and I since we kissed on Labor Day. She is really keeping her distance. She initially seemed really confused... confessed to me that she couldn't sleep for 2 nights. So for the last 3 weeks she isn't as accessable and while this may be because she has quite a bit on her plate it's more than likely by design. Obviously she doesn't want to deal us as more than friends. I feel that down deep. And since I get that vibe I don't really want to spend too much time with her either. She's probably thinking if she stays away long enough it can all blow over.

I wonder what her sister Ellen said to her last weekend. She was there Saturday and Sunday. I can't figure out whether Ellen has influence over Lisa or not. I thought maybe she was pushing Lisa towards me last month and that's why Lisa was so open to the idea of us having more. But since then nothing has really happened.... in fact we are less close.

I've been thinking I should put my feeling into poetry. I'm not much of a poet but I want to touch her somehow. Right now all I have is jumbled up words and feeling that I am unable to express. Maybe if I write a poem I can read it to her and she will see how deep my feelings go.

Part of me wants to just let it all go and make a pass at Janet. I am so afraid of falling down.... it's not like I'm walking a tight-rope with out a net. I just need to feel something back before I can step off the edge. I will try to do this tonight.... poetry.

The lonely weekend is over

This past weekend started with such promise. I picked Lisa up at the airport at 10:30 p.m. and took her and 2 of her friends home. A stop in Brooklyn, then Queens, before getting to her house in Hicksville at a little past 1. We went inside and enjoyed a glass of wine but I was so tired I went home immediately with the promise we would talk on Saturday.

That never happened as she was at her yoga center then her sister's all weekend. I got a call late Sunday night but I'm a little more than bummed out that I only saw her when I was tired and cranky.

Janet went to Block Island with all the people I'd been seeing at the beach this summer. I got an email that they are back and we can have dinner and get details next weekend.  

Getting through the week.

Not much to say. Nothing much is going on. Staying focused and working hard is pretty much all I've got right now.

Sunday was a fairly busy day. I went to the beach and got some sun. Janet made an appearance and it was nice to see her as always. The group, including Janet are all going to Block Island this coming weekend and I was invited but I fould that it was more money than I can afford.

In fact I am overdrawn at the bank by more than $300 and I've got all of a dollar in my pocket. Very sad state of affairs right now. I have a feeling it's going to be a long, lonely winter. I get paid on Thursday. I should survive until then.

Saturday night at home

No money, no friends, no life.

Spent the day domestically. Cleaning, vacuuming, laundry. Al full day of household chores. It was supposed to be a rainy day but iy was actually sunny most of the day. Hot and muggy too.

Lisa made it to Arizona. I got several text messages. I wonder how much she sends text messages to others. She won't love me but she loves talking to me. I will pick her up next Friday. She wanted to make sure I could go out with other people if I had other plans.

Something strange happened on Thursday night. Her car wouldn't start and she called me for help. It seemed like she had no gas but she said she had plenty of gas. So I looked and couldn't get it started so I decided to call for a tow truck. You see, my brother-in-law Kenny has a towing business. Lisa was worried about how much it would cost and I told her "don't worry about it - you're family." She momentarily freaked out... like I'd stepped over some kind of line. I told her to relax, just that Kenny knows you and you are like family. Of course I wish she really was family. Not happening and if there was ever a "tell" that was a big one. Still never really talked about it though.

I can go to the beach in the chance that Janet will be there. Or I can go to Lonnie's house and watch the Jets/Miami game. I am to call her first so maybe I'll decide at the last minute. Yeah, that's working for me.

My morning trip to the airport

Needed to get up early this morning to drive Lisa to the airport. She is going to Sedona fior a week. I overslept but we made it in plenty of time. So I left in such haste I skipped a shower and shave. I'm really icky.

Feeling normal at last

I got a phone call from Lisa last night. Mostly talked about her coming trip to Sedona, AZ. I'll be taking her to the airport early on Friday morning. I feel like she just wants to erase the kiss we shared. I'm working on it. Maybe we will talk in the car but I hope not. I'm ready to move on but still want to hold on to something even if it's only a fantasy. She gets back in a week at 10:30 next Friday. She told me if I had something else to do I didn't have to pick her up. Like I would just let her get off the plane and not want to be there. Maybe I should.