Delaney's was cool

Sometimes karma is just there for me. Janet asked last week if I knew of any place that was halfway between Lindenhurst and Glen Cove that we could meet her friend Dawn. I suggested a place in Bethpage called Delaney's that looked nice but I'd never been there. She called them up and made reservations and we were set for dinner there at 7. There was to be 5 of us including Janet, myself, Dawn, Roberta and Gary who was hanging out with us the weekend before. It seems that Gary had taken Janet out once but she said she would get serious with a smoker. So he is trying to quit but I think she just isn't that into him so he really isn't close to giving it.

So Friday night I went for drinks in Glen Cove and saw Janet there and we discussed a little about where we would meet on Saturday. She had switched cars with her daughter for the weekend and she wasn't comfortable driving a strange car. She had her other daughter to drive her to the restaurant. We agreed that if necessary she would take a cab home but secretly I knew I wanted to drive her.

Saturday night at 7 sharp I get to Delaney's parking lot. It was close to a Days Inn hotel and a little hard to find. I called to see if she needed directions but she was already there. I go inside to see an almost empty restaurant and a quiet bar. Everyone was there but Dawn, whom I'd never met. We all had a drink a we even discussed maybe finding another place as this seemed a little too sedate. But the waitress told us the band coming later was pretty good and it would get crowded. Dawn arrived. We sat down for dinner and the food was good, even if the service was a little slow. We drank 3 bottles of wine between us. Everything was mellow. Dawn and Gary both smoke so they would go outside for cigarette breaks and Roberta was asking Janet about Gary. Maybe she liked him. Janet said she can't see dating him. She said that on the one time they had dinner she had Suzie go as chapperone. She said she doesn't feel safe alone with someone new. I wanted to aske her about that. When I first met Janet 2 years ago I asked her to have dinner with me and she pretty much said she couldn't. I wanted to ask if that was why she said no a but Gary and Dawn came back so I let it go.

I keep hoping I could get romantic with Janet but I just don't feel that vibe at all. At this point I've pretty much made peace with the fact that what we have is a friendship and since I am having more fun on weekends in years I am just going with the flow.

The band set up and they were a group that played all Motown. They were real good and I knew I would be dancing. I had such a good time. Danced pretty much all night. We all had fun. I keep wondering if it's Janet or good karma but each time I go somewhere even at random I always have a night to remember.

At the end I insisted on driving Roberta and Janet home even though I lived close by and they were thirty minutes away. We had a nice ride home and I dropped Roberta off then Janet. There was no big kiss at the door or even in the car. She just said goodnight and out the door she went. Still had a great time and the last thing we said was we'd see each othe Friday night again and figure out what to do for Saturday.   

What's going on

I have plans with Lee tonight. I don't want to go. Don't get me wrong. I like Lee but it's such an effort to see her. She lives in the City which means I'll be taking a train home after 9 o'clock then go and take car of things at home. I'll be lucky if I get to bed before midnight. I need to go to the allergyst as I haven't gotten my shots in 3 weeks and I'm supposed to go every week. Now I'll need to go Monday. Joe keeps asking why I maintain a friendship with someone who can't (or won't) ever leave Manhattan. I have to admit I don't have an answer. I don't enjoy Lee's company that much and there has never been a hint of romance between us. But once I let go of all that stuff I do usually enjoy her company and she knows how I'm dealing with low budget and keeps me from overspending.

Janet sent me an email that Saturday she is meeting her friend Dawn Saturday night and I should be there too. She asked about a place in my area and I suggested Delaney's. She later sent back that that would be where they are going and I should meet them. I have this feeling she wants Dawn to meet me. It feels a little like a fix up. With how Janet doesn't think of me as any more than a friend I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I'll be curious to see if that is the case.

Better days ahead.

My outlook seems to be on the upswing. I should make it through the year. Still have many things undone that money would help but I got some mail yesterday that may give me hope. I am going to apply for hardship withdrawal from my 401k. That may give me the ability to make it through to the point that I can begin to live again. It will hurt in 15 years when I will need to retire but I have to live in the now.

I was shocked to get a comment from Marissa. I'd been looking at her blog for a while and been getting some inspiration from her entries. Yesterday I decided I needed to comment on one and she found my blog. As far as I know she is the only reader as my count never really changes much.

This is to Marissa if she comes back; thanks for the advice to save money by serving dinner in my home. My apartment is in a bit of disarray and will take probably and entire weekend of cleaning to make it presentable. I am a single man so I tend to have too many things that never get put away. Cleaning never seems to happen as often as it should. I think that the 4 days off on Thanksgiving will be an entire house cleaning. I'll make that a goal.

Continuation

Trying to get myself out of the duldrums. Lisa is away for another week and a half and it already feels like she's been gone too long. I'm shocked at how much I miss her. I need to not be this way. I can't keep obsessing on someone who will never give herself to me. I am going to her house to feed her cats twice a day. While there yesterday I looked to see if she had any CD's I could borrow. I noticed she has some homemade CD's that someone must have burned for her. One of them had a note inside from someone she toured the Napa Valley with last year. His name was Tim... not a name I'd ever heard before. I wish I hadn't seen it. Now my imagination just assumes that she slept with him. He wanted to get together again.

I keep thinking about the Halloween party and how I just went home afterwards. Why didn't I try to seduce her? I look back and I think she was really my date that night. Not just a friend. I swore I wouldn't let an oppurtunity go by and then I did. I think she wants to go there as long as I initiate. Of course she was very sleepy. And she did back away from my kiss. But then she changed her mind and did kiss me. When we got to her house I went upstairs with her. Then I left. I'm not a coward. Did I not want to sleep there overnight? 

So now she is gone. I gave her a real tight hug at the airport. She didn't expect it. Then she read the note and called me from Arizona. I'm sure it meant a lot to her but not like I would hope. At least I told her how I feel not only as friends but as the person I truly love. She said some nice things to my voice mail but mostly about how she knows that I accept her even though I don't always understand her.

So I spent pretty much the entire weekend drinking. Friday and Saturday was spent with Janet and Sunday watching football. I think I could have had more time with Janet but I'm feeling like I wouldn't be myself. But also just wanting to be drunk. This is not good. I never should have given Lisa that note. I'm waiting for her to return instead of living my life.

Brenda the ex-wife wants me to come with her Wednesday night to see some music and I'm not really sure if I should go. But feel loved by her and I'm starting to feel like I need that. I know I can't ever love Brenda back like she loves me.

Thursday I can see Lee. She could be a distraction. I'll have money on Thursday too.

Sunday night blahs

I'm struggling with this journal. I had a really good weekend and yet I am very unhappy. Friday night I had a great dinner and wine tasting and after I joined Janet, Suzy and Roberta in a small bar but I ran out of steam. I feel so poor. I'm stymied by the fact that I can't go the distance. They  want to do things and I end up bailing so that I don't go over my limit. Then I go over it anyway.

So Saturday I talked them into coming onto the boat and go sailing. It was a rare 70 degree day in November. They all came and had a wonderful time. I could have very easily gotten a dinner date but my wallet was empty and that is only going to get worse.

I need money! 

Weekend stuff

I took Lisa to the airport this morning. She will be in Sedona for 2 weeks for training for her Yoga center. For her it is a culmination of more than 3 years of work. She was looking forward to it but she was also afraid. She would be given tests that she would need to endure. I truly believe she will come through it without any big problems.

I put a letter into her suitcase without her knowledge. The letter kind of rambled a little bit. In it I told her how I've loved being her friend. I wanted to help her to be confident by telling her I would send her all the mental energy I have and she should look at Venus and Mars at night so that she can remind herself that she's not alone. I wanted her to read it after she arrives and unpacks. I'm missing her already.

I'm having a dinner tonight with Janet and all the other people that I met at the beach last summer, including Roberta and Suzy. I doubt I'll get quality time with Janet and I'm struggling this weekend with my money so I may make an early night of it. I wish I could meet somebody.

My brain drain

Still riding the buzz from the party. I really wish I wasn't so broke or I would be trying to make soemthing happen. My self esteem feels real good now and I should use this as motivation to take a positive step. Only thing is I look at my finances and I feel like a cripple. So I sit and daydream about the possibilities as time slips away. I don't have nearly enough money to take care of things that need to get done. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. If I can just get to July somehow I can make a recovery.  

I'm going to try something. My retirement plan offers a hardship withdrawal option and I want to see if I can recieve a $10,000 disbursment. That may solve my problems and maybe I can resume a somewhat normal life again.