Night of nights

So it finally happened. Lisa and I slept together. It took me completely by surprose and I'm not sure it was planned on her part either. It just hsppened. I will start from the biggining. One night in July we spoke of how we are friends and she desire was to not change that. My response was that whatever we do that would never change. Then I switched tactics and said why are we talking and not just making out. So we did. We started kissing in my livingroom and from there we went to the bedroom, but we never took our xlothes off. Not that I didn't try. She stopped things and I watched her leave thinking how close we came. Fast forward to three weeks later. We were outside at a concert in the village. We sipped wine and listened to music. I convinced her to dance and we were having fun like we always do. We called it a night before the end and as we walked back to the car I just spontainiously took her hand as we walked. I've done this before and usually feel funny about it and let it go after a moment or two. This time it just felt natural and we just casually did that all the way to the car. I did not think much of it at the time. We drove back to her house, which is only a block from mine. We had what I thought was a night cap and a little past 10 PM I started to look to call it a night. Before I could leave she said "come lay with me". So I just thought we would watch TV on the bed until she fell asleep. So I took off my shoes and follwoed Lisa into the bedroom. Ahe lays down and doesn't even turn on the TV. So I leaned in and we kissed. Then I realized at some point she had removed her bra. From there things are a little fuzzy. But we rolled around the bed and fell on the floor. We got naked. I touched her. Everywhere. She was hot. She was ready and willing. After 15 years of wanting this it was finally there for me. But my 50+ year old body was letting me down. I had nothing. Maybe it was the alcohol ot maybe I'm just old but I could not get an erection. And we tried everything. Her hand, my hand, her mouth. Nothing. We just fell asleep both not getting what we want. So we just talked in the dark. I told her how sorry I was. Somehow the subk=ject of how we'd gotten there came up. I told Lisa how unexpected this was for me. She asked my why did I held her hand earlier in the night. I said I hadn't even thought about it. If I'd known that was all it took.... but none of that matters now. We fell aseep together and when we woke up I got dressed and when home and fell asleep in my bed for about 2 hours. All I keep asking myself is will I ever be able to have sex again. I mean if I can't do it with Lisa how can it ever happen. I guess I can always see a doctor and get a prescription but things are so spontainious and that kind of thing needs to be planned. So in the last 2 weeks we have slipped back into our old routines. Lisa was away on a business trip only 3 days later and returned after the weekend. We have never talked about what happened and it feels like neither one of us wants to try again. Maybe that is best. Part of me feels like I've finally gotten it out of my system. I just hate to give up.

Cha-cha-changes

A new blog entry. It has been months and months. Which means no one is really reading these but I write for me. The more things change the more they stay the same. The people in my life are all still around although some more and some less.
Carolyn has been reduced to an after thought. I never call her and she doesn't seem to mind. I still see her on occasion as she still keeps her boat in the same marina as me. She came by once to say hello and so did her college age daughter. I thought that was nice but I also figure what is the use.
I see Coleen but she seems to obly respond to me when her boyfriend and her are on the outs. I've decided to maintain some distance becuase she refuses to step up. Like yesterday she texted me about how she wanted to get some lunch, I was home but I'd just had a sandwich. Later she wanted me to come out but by then I was at the movies with Lisa.
Okay, speaking of Lisa. We had an "almost" moment a little more than 2 weeks ago. I had convinced her we needed to kiss and after a little encouragement from me we were making out on the couch. And then we went into the bedroom. But it stopped before we could even get any clothes off. I liked it but I could tell she was hesitating. When I stopped and took a breath she pulled away. It just ended there although it was not as if we were done. She said she just couldn't then. So I let her go home. The entire next day and into the rest of the week she was cold and distant. So I finally called it off. My choice.
Where does that leave me. I don't know.

What is in this for me?

This is my first chance to put anything into this bloggy thing in quite a while. As you can guess I've been keeping busy. Since Lisa has no one any more she now checks with me everyday and we have been spending more and more time together. No romance. The seems more unlikely as ever. It's just not something that we can do. But I still want to see her as often as I can. It seems to satisfy me. I guess I'm older now and I don't feel as frustrated as I might have been even just five years ago. I'm a little sad about that but at least I can truly feel happy with where I'm at.
Lisa had her birthday last week and I did what I could to see that she had a nice day. It wasn't enough as she is still pining over her lost love Mark. I gave her a present and took out for a special dinner. I wanted to get my hopes up but it seemed selfish so I moved forward in life.
The next thing it was Valentines Day and out of nowhere I was contacted by Janet, who wanted to go out if I had no plans. So we did. I took her to dinner and they had a special menu for the occasion. Basically it was special for them as it was about twice as much money as you would pay any other day. We went dutch.
Then I got a phone call from Carolyn. Why can't these women just leave me alone if they have no real interest. I saw her Sunday and she was in the midst of a crisis. It was a cold night and the water was off in her house because some raccoons moved into her attic and made a hole that let cthe cold air freeze her water pipes. I went there but really I'm no plumber. I called an emergency plumber who as far as I know still hasn't fixed it. That's because I left. I'm sure she wasn't happy about that.
And then I get these text messages from Coleen, who wants me to go have dinner. Where is her boyfriend? Really, it is validating that I can take out any of these women but what do I get?

Commitment

What is that? Is it a personal choice that has to be remade every day or can you find yourself committed without even realizing it?
Last night I found myself asking Lisa to join me for dinner. Of course she said yes and we had a great dinner out at a Thai restaurant. During dinner she asked me to accompany her to a work related dinner in three weeks. All I kept thinking about is do I have a suit I can wear that will fit. I want this to be a big deal, although to her it's just a dinner.
So I'm at least committed to that. And I am enjoying whatever else. I know I should keep other options open because I've found myself getting close before and the ultimate result ends with me alone. But this feels different.

What has happened

I need to explain why I have been remiss about posting new entries. Mostly I was dealing with a situation with Lisa. You see, she had a new guy in her life. It isn't as if I was upset, but it wasn't something I felt good about. I didn't want to write about it because it might appear that I could be getting a bit obsessive. So I've ignoring things.
I'd had my suspicions that Lisa and a friend she had a work were becoming more than friends. But this guy, we will call him Mark, he is married. Somewhere in September they made there relationship official. He had separated and they could spend more time together. So I didn't see her nearly as much. This has happened before so I resigned myself to find other friends to spend time with.
Mark was spending more and more time at Lisa's house and I figured the progression would have them living together at some point. Maybe by spring. He was staying with his dad so I saw that as inevitable. I only saw Lisa for a few minutes at Christmas, not even long enough to exchange presents. So the day after Christmas I was at her house to give her her gift. While I was there she got a call on her cell and she took it in the other room. It was lengthy call and I considered heading home. While I was considering this she ended her call and I said I was heading home. She just stood there looking at me shaking. I had to ask what it was three times before she told me Mark was going back to his family. I guess I was more surprised by the timing than anything else.
So I thought I should stay with her until she told me he was coming over to give her some things like her keys. With that I said I needed to not be there when he arrived. I left not knowing if I would hear from her that night. I didn't.
It is now been a week and Lisa is a bit of a basket case. We spent a bit of time together on New Year's. At midnight she just cried and cried. I did the best I could to understanding and sympathetic. Last night I made her dinner and we sat and watched TV. The first night without any drama.
Now I am so conflicted. I still see her as the most beautiful, sexy, and alive person I've ever been around. And I tell her this. But she will not consider me as an option, even as she grieves her broken relationship. And it breaks my heart.

No blogging until something actually happens

No entries for a while. I've been taking the holidays off. If life sends me something worth writing about I'll be back.

Monthly entry - I'll try to blog more.

It has been a very busy month. As I've said before, "living life means blogging less". That has been somewhat true for me lately. My day to day life is about the same. My work has been overwhelming and there appears not end it site. That is until Sandy blew through. Plenty of down time but no electricity and no gas for the car. I spent the better part of a week watching radio. My boat, which road out the storm in the water, made it through fine. I needed to tie it up well and batten down the hatches but in the end it was probably more luck that allowed me to escape with no damage. There was a wind shift prior to high tide so the horrific events that occurred on the South Shore of Long Island were not nearly as bad on the North Shore.
I survived having no lights or heat and now I'm finally back at work, although we don't seem to have a working application system until at least tomorrow, so I don't have very much to do. That why I can blog.
I've had quality time with all the women in my life and I now have very little to do with any of them. I helped Carolyn out with some fuel so she could run her generator. But when the lights came on she didn't have heat. There was something wrong even before the storm, but it wasn't anything I could fix. It seems like she wanted me to come by but I wasn't about to use the last of my gas to look at something I knew I couldn't fix. It isn't as if she would be willing to keep me warm at night.
Lisa had to work at the Red Cross for an obscene number of hours, and while it was a worthy cause, it left me with taking care of her cat. She would text me now and then but I almost never saw her.
There was some bad news prior to storm that I will need to expand on later. Her sister Ellen went to the doctor about a cough she can't seem to shake. The diagnosis may be cancerous lymph nodes. So it is very scary.
Coleen has been coming around although she needs to take a hike. She left her abusive boyfriend, but then went back to him so I really need to let her be.
Janet called me to ask me to come out for a drink but I had only just gotten the lights on so I said no.
All the women would rather sit alone at home in the dark than spend some time with me. I don't think I want to spend any more quality time with any of them.