What is that? Is it a personal choice that has to be remade every day or can you find yourself committed without even realizing it?
Last night I found myself asking Lisa to join me for dinner. Of course she said yes and we had a great dinner out at a Thai restaurant. During dinner she asked me to accompany her to a work related dinner in three weeks. All I kept thinking about is do I have a suit I can wear that will fit. I want this to be a big deal, although to her it's just a dinner.
So I'm at least committed to that. And I am enjoying whatever else. I know I should keep other options open because I've found myself getting close before and the ultimate result ends with me alone. But this feels different.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
What has happened
I need to explain why I have been remiss about posting new entries. Mostly I was dealing with a situation with Lisa. You see, she had a new guy in her life. It isn't as if I was upset, but it wasn't something I felt good about. I didn't want to write about it because it might appear that I could be getting a bit obsessive. So I've ignoring things.
I'd had my suspicions that Lisa and a friend she had a work were becoming more than friends. But this guy, we will call him Mark, he is married. Somewhere in September they made there relationship official. He had separated and they could spend more time together. So I didn't see her nearly as much. This has happened before so I resigned myself to find other friends to spend time with.
Mark was spending more and more time at Lisa's house and I figured the progression would have them living together at some point. Maybe by spring. He was staying with his dad so I saw that as inevitable. I only saw Lisa for a few minutes at Christmas, not even long enough to exchange presents. So the day after Christmas I was at her house to give her her gift. While I was there she got a call on her cell and she took it in the other room. It was lengthy call and I considered heading home. While I was considering this she ended her call and I said I was heading home. She just stood there looking at me shaking. I had to ask what it was three times before she told me Mark was going back to his family. I guess I was more surprised by the timing than anything else.
So I thought I should stay with her until she told me he was coming over to give her some things like her keys. With that I said I needed to not be there when he arrived. I left not knowing if I would hear from her that night. I didn't.
It is now been a week and Lisa is a bit of a basket case. We spent a bit of time together on New Year's. At midnight she just cried and cried. I did the best I could to understanding and sympathetic. Last night I made her dinner and we sat and watched TV. The first night without any drama.
Now I am so conflicted. I still see her as the most beautiful, sexy, and alive person I've ever been around. And I tell her this. But she will not consider me as an option, even as she grieves her broken relationship. And it breaks my heart.
I'd had my suspicions that Lisa and a friend she had a work were becoming more than friends. But this guy, we will call him Mark, he is married. Somewhere in September they made there relationship official. He had separated and they could spend more time together. So I didn't see her nearly as much. This has happened before so I resigned myself to find other friends to spend time with.
Mark was spending more and more time at Lisa's house and I figured the progression would have them living together at some point. Maybe by spring. He was staying with his dad so I saw that as inevitable. I only saw Lisa for a few minutes at Christmas, not even long enough to exchange presents. So the day after Christmas I was at her house to give her her gift. While I was there she got a call on her cell and she took it in the other room. It was lengthy call and I considered heading home. While I was considering this she ended her call and I said I was heading home. She just stood there looking at me shaking. I had to ask what it was three times before she told me Mark was going back to his family. I guess I was more surprised by the timing than anything else.
So I thought I should stay with her until she told me he was coming over to give her some things like her keys. With that I said I needed to not be there when he arrived. I left not knowing if I would hear from her that night. I didn't.
It is now been a week and Lisa is a bit of a basket case. We spent a bit of time together on New Year's. At midnight she just cried and cried. I did the best I could to understanding and sympathetic. Last night I made her dinner and we sat and watched TV. The first night without any drama.
Now I am so conflicted. I still see her as the most beautiful, sexy, and alive person I've ever been around. And I tell her this. But she will not consider me as an option, even as she grieves her broken relationship. And it breaks my heart.
Monday, December 17, 2012
No blogging until something actually happens
No entries for a while. I've been taking the holidays off. If life sends me something worth writing about I'll be back.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Monthly entry - I'll try to blog more.
It has been a very busy month. As I've said before, "living life means blogging less". That has been somewhat true for me lately. My day to day life is about the same. My work has been overwhelming and there appears not end it site. That is until Sandy blew through. Plenty of down time but no electricity and no gas for the car. I spent the better part of a week watching radio. My boat, which road out the storm in the water, made it through fine. I needed to tie it up well and batten down the hatches but in the end it was probably more luck that allowed me to escape with no damage. There was a wind shift prior to high tide so the horrific events that occurred on the South Shore of Long Island were not nearly as bad on the North Shore.
I survived having no lights or heat and now I'm finally back at work, although we don't seem to have a working application system until at least tomorrow, so I don't have very much to do. That why I can blog.
I've had quality time with all the women in my life and I now have very little to do with any of them. I helped Carolyn out with some fuel so she could run her generator. But when the lights came on she didn't have heat. There was something wrong even before the storm, but it wasn't anything I could fix. It seems like she wanted me to come by but I wasn't about to use the last of my gas to look at something I knew I couldn't fix. It isn't as if she would be willing to keep me warm at night.
Lisa had to work at the Red Cross for an obscene number of hours, and while it was a worthy cause, it left me with taking care of her cat. She would text me now and then but I almost never saw her.
There was some bad news prior to storm that I will need to expand on later. Her sister Ellen went to the doctor about a cough she can't seem to shake. The diagnosis may be cancerous lymph nodes. So it is very scary.
Coleen has been coming around although she needs to take a hike. She left her abusive boyfriend, but then went back to him so I really need to let her be.
Janet called me to ask me to come out for a drink but I had only just gotten the lights on so I said no.
All the women would rather sit alone at home in the dark than spend some time with me. I don't think I want to spend any more quality time with any of them.
I survived having no lights or heat and now I'm finally back at work, although we don't seem to have a working application system until at least tomorrow, so I don't have very much to do. That why I can blog.
I've had quality time with all the women in my life and I now have very little to do with any of them. I helped Carolyn out with some fuel so she could run her generator. But when the lights came on she didn't have heat. There was something wrong even before the storm, but it wasn't anything I could fix. It seems like she wanted me to come by but I wasn't about to use the last of my gas to look at something I knew I couldn't fix. It isn't as if she would be willing to keep me warm at night.
Lisa had to work at the Red Cross for an obscene number of hours, and while it was a worthy cause, it left me with taking care of her cat. She would text me now and then but I almost never saw her.
There was some bad news prior to storm that I will need to expand on later. Her sister Ellen went to the doctor about a cough she can't seem to shake. The diagnosis may be cancerous lymph nodes. So it is very scary.
Coleen has been coming around although she needs to take a hike. She left her abusive boyfriend, but then went back to him so I really need to let her be.
Janet called me to ask me to come out for a drink but I had only just gotten the lights on so I said no.
All the women would rather sit alone at home in the dark than spend some time with me. I don't think I want to spend any more quality time with any of them.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
New Post about old stuff
I seem to be a once a week blogger now. Not sure if that can change but this is the best I can do for now. It isn't as if there is nothing happening. There have been days where I can't keep up with things/
I still spend most of my time lately with Lisa, but Coleen has been also getting my attention. Neither one is ever going to get to be anything but I still can't seem to resist either one.
Even after my feeble attempt at seduction with Lisa she still wants me around. We talk each and every day if only to say hello. At least I don't need to feel lonely.
Coleen and her BF are no longer living together but she has not completely let go. We had dinner out one day last week and it felt like the fastest meal I'd ever had. But when we were in the car afterwards she broke down and told me how upset she was about it. I just wanted to go home. But I listened and waited for her to calm down. So of course the next night I saw them talking in the bar. I gave up at that point. She texted me Sunday and Monday but I know I should just leave her be. I see from Facebook she went ot dinner at the restaurant her BF likes, so I'm assuming they had a date.
So then we have Carolyn. Poor sweet Carolyn. Still my best chance for sex. At least we have kissed although I'm just not feeling like I want to give her any more of my time. The lat time I saw her was over a month ago, but she called me on Sunday and we made a date for Friday. In my mind I'm going to either sleep with her or just tell her I don't have room for her any more. Is that cold? Probably but I don't seem to care.
I have Friday off from work. Lisa is having an operation to remove a cyst from her foot and I agreed to drive her. She will be off her feet for a few days. I probably should not have made the plan with Carolyn for the same day but it's too late for that.
I expect I'll be waking up alone on Saturday morning no matter what I try. But I'm still trying even if I'm not optimistic.
I still spend most of my time lately with Lisa, but Coleen has been also getting my attention. Neither one is ever going to get to be anything but I still can't seem to resist either one.
Even after my feeble attempt at seduction with Lisa she still wants me around. We talk each and every day if only to say hello. At least I don't need to feel lonely.
Coleen and her BF are no longer living together but she has not completely let go. We had dinner out one day last week and it felt like the fastest meal I'd ever had. But when we were in the car afterwards she broke down and told me how upset she was about it. I just wanted to go home. But I listened and waited for her to calm down. So of course the next night I saw them talking in the bar. I gave up at that point. She texted me Sunday and Monday but I know I should just leave her be. I see from Facebook she went ot dinner at the restaurant her BF likes, so I'm assuming they had a date.
So then we have Carolyn. Poor sweet Carolyn. Still my best chance for sex. At least we have kissed although I'm just not feeling like I want to give her any more of my time. The lat time I saw her was over a month ago, but she called me on Sunday and we made a date for Friday. In my mind I'm going to either sleep with her or just tell her I don't have room for her any more. Is that cold? Probably but I don't seem to care.
I have Friday off from work. Lisa is having an operation to remove a cyst from her foot and I agreed to drive her. She will be off her feet for a few days. I probably should not have made the plan with Carolyn for the same day but it's too late for that.
I expect I'll be waking up alone on Saturday morning no matter what I try. But I'm still trying even if I'm not optimistic.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
I got a question.
It's been so long since I've been able to post. Work is consuming all my time and energy. It's been as crazy as any time i can remember. And it's not as if I don't have a lot to blog about either. I've been very busy socially. I don't have time to get into all of it so for now I want to lay out a scenario and ask if I missed something.
Last Friday I took Lisa out for drinks that including dancing. Slow dancing to Sinatra. And lots of drinks that I paid for. Like it was a date. Now I know we are never going to really have a date as we know each other way too long. Still I felt like I wanted to change the dynamic, or at least try. But I wasn't really think of doing anything but take her home and say goodnight at the door. So we park the car and I walk her home, which is only 100 feet or so from my house. Lisa opens her door and immediately goes up the stairs without closing her door, like an invite to come up. I did. For some reason I figured if she wanted me in her house she must want me in her bed. At least I was willing to consider it. So I went for it. I got her in her bed room and laid on the bed. Well, that did not go well. "What are you doing?", she asked. "Trying to sleep with you." I'm not totally sure if that's what I said but I was out the door in about 30 seconds. Which ultimately was fine as I wanted to go home anyway. But I'm thinking, did I do anything different than what any normal male would do? I'm thinking I was assertive and I need to be more that way.
Last Friday I took Lisa out for drinks that including dancing. Slow dancing to Sinatra. And lots of drinks that I paid for. Like it was a date. Now I know we are never going to really have a date as we know each other way too long. Still I felt like I wanted to change the dynamic, or at least try. But I wasn't really think of doing anything but take her home and say goodnight at the door. So we park the car and I walk her home, which is only 100 feet or so from my house. Lisa opens her door and immediately goes up the stairs without closing her door, like an invite to come up. I did. For some reason I figured if she wanted me in her house she must want me in her bed. At least I was willing to consider it. So I went for it. I got her in her bed room and laid on the bed. Well, that did not go well. "What are you doing?", she asked. "Trying to sleep with you." I'm not totally sure if that's what I said but I was out the door in about 30 seconds. Which ultimately was fine as I wanted to go home anyway. But I'm thinking, did I do anything different than what any normal male would do? I'm thinking I was assertive and I need to be more that way.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
I get distracted so easily.
There is no time in my life for blogs right now. So I will only give highlights. Okay, maybe I'll embellish a little bit.
First of all I have my tooth fixed. Mostly. I have a temporary replacement and I have something more permanent scheduled for October. The temp actually looks better than what I had so I'm good with it. I needed that since my birthday was Thursday and I thought there may be photo-op moments. There really weren't so no pictures for the blog. Sorry.
For my birthday I took a day off from work and spent the day on the water with Carolyn. We had a friend of hers with us as well so I figured we would just enjoy fishing and swimming in the sun. It was a great day weather-wise. We motored here and there and found ourselves anchored off a small island off of Connecticut. This island is a park and there are no people living on it and since it was a weekday it was pretty much uninhabited. I swam onto the beach ... a good 200 yard distance. Carolyn followed and her friend stayed with the boat. We wandered along the beach and found ourselves alone. Before I knew it we were making out in the water like in From Here to Eternity. It was only a moment but for me it made my birthday. Unfortunately it was pretty much downhill from there. Our evening ended with Carolyn and I in my house and rather than stay she chose home instead. Nothing happened. Oh well. At least I put it out there.
Friday I went to work but the plan after work was to see Lisa and go see music. We had some wine and when the music started we danced for the entire time. Lisa was having a ball. I tried to get Carolyn to come but she bowed out. I moved on. I saw Coleen there and she was annoyed at her BF because he bailed on her. More on that later.
Friday night ended with use going to eat with my cousin and her husband. It was so late when got home I just collapsed into bed. I got an early morning text from Coleen to go to the gym. I decided to suck it up and go meet her there. Afterwards we got coffee and she told me she was considering her relationship a lost cause. I figured she was just having a bad day and didn't think any more of it.
After that I was home and I checked in with Lisa. We decided to make a day of sailing. It was supposed to be with her sister and bro-in-law. But they bailed and it was just us. There was no wind so we just relaxed and swam for a few hours. Then late in the afternoon the wind did pick up and we got a good three hour sail in. Lisa was loving it. She knows what to do. I want so badly to have those moments with her turn into something better but it's never happened. I told her about Carolyn and our kiss. No reaction. We ended the night having a nice dinner and again I'm home alone.
Sunday morning I get a phone call early. It is Coleen. She told me she had moved out from her BF's house. She had woke up there and he went off on her about making noise and she just had enough I guess and packed her clothes and left. I'm not sure how that will play out for for the moment they broke up. I ended up spending most of the day with her. I know I shouldn't do that but I just went with it.
So my weekend just had me bouncing around. By Tuesday I can't figure out where any of this is going. I know I've been here before and these things so rarely turn into anything but a distraction.
First of all I have my tooth fixed. Mostly. I have a temporary replacement and I have something more permanent scheduled for October. The temp actually looks better than what I had so I'm good with it. I needed that since my birthday was Thursday and I thought there may be photo-op moments. There really weren't so no pictures for the blog. Sorry.
For my birthday I took a day off from work and spent the day on the water with Carolyn. We had a friend of hers with us as well so I figured we would just enjoy fishing and swimming in the sun. It was a great day weather-wise. We motored here and there and found ourselves anchored off a small island off of Connecticut. This island is a park and there are no people living on it and since it was a weekday it was pretty much uninhabited. I swam onto the beach ... a good 200 yard distance. Carolyn followed and her friend stayed with the boat. We wandered along the beach and found ourselves alone. Before I knew it we were making out in the water like in From Here to Eternity. It was only a moment but for me it made my birthday. Unfortunately it was pretty much downhill from there. Our evening ended with Carolyn and I in my house and rather than stay she chose home instead. Nothing happened. Oh well. At least I put it out there.
Friday I went to work but the plan after work was to see Lisa and go see music. We had some wine and when the music started we danced for the entire time. Lisa was having a ball. I tried to get Carolyn to come but she bowed out. I moved on. I saw Coleen there and she was annoyed at her BF because he bailed on her. More on that later.
Friday night ended with use going to eat with my cousin and her husband. It was so late when got home I just collapsed into bed. I got an early morning text from Coleen to go to the gym. I decided to suck it up and go meet her there. Afterwards we got coffee and she told me she was considering her relationship a lost cause. I figured she was just having a bad day and didn't think any more of it.
After that I was home and I checked in with Lisa. We decided to make a day of sailing. It was supposed to be with her sister and bro-in-law. But they bailed and it was just us. There was no wind so we just relaxed and swam for a few hours. Then late in the afternoon the wind did pick up and we got a good three hour sail in. Lisa was loving it. She knows what to do. I want so badly to have those moments with her turn into something better but it's never happened. I told her about Carolyn and our kiss. No reaction. We ended the night having a nice dinner and again I'm home alone.
Sunday morning I get a phone call early. It is Coleen. She told me she had moved out from her BF's house. She had woke up there and he went off on her about making noise and she just had enough I guess and packed her clothes and left. I'm not sure how that will play out for for the moment they broke up. I ended up spending most of the day with her. I know I shouldn't do that but I just went with it.
So my weekend just had me bouncing around. By Tuesday I can't figure out where any of this is going. I know I've been here before and these things so rarely turn into anything but a distraction.
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