In all likelihood this will be my last post for 2011. No reminiscing for me here. I do not like to look back as I always think it's better to keep looking ahead. What I seem to have it in my mind is that I want to spend more time in 2012 with Lisa. I am not sure what that will be but it is something that I want.
Taking Lisa out to dinner last Wednesday has been in my thoughts constantly. She has a way that makes me want to be with her all the time. I thought I had pushed that out of my head when she moved in with Carmine and then got engaged. But now she is telling me how they aren't ever moving to marriage and how badly she wants out. She described in detail how cold their relationship is. I can't even imagine how that is. She said they are now sleeping in separate rooms.
But she hasn't ended it. She is still wearing his ring and as long as I see that I'd better not assume anything. I certainly won't plan anything. Even our dinner was spontaneous. I mentioned it after she started by sending me a text.
Carolyn on the other hand seems to be drawing away. Not sure if I've pushed her aside or she is just going on her own. But I called her last night and she didn't answer or return my call. Now I want to make plans without her. As I dialed the phone I was thinking how difficult it is to muster up the energy to make that call. You would think I would want to talk to her but most of the calls I've made to her I felt worse after the call than before. She can't seem to get optimistic about anything much less the plans I might suggest. So much negativity.
It got me thinking that if I call Lisa or even the rare times I call Coleen it is never like that. I would think if she really liked me she would be happier when I call. Is the black cloud around her so think that nothing can come through.
I'm probably better off on my own and I need to get more content with that. The more I think about it the more I want to spend NYE relaxing at home. If I go out I'll just be forcing myself to try and have fun. That actually works sometimes but I'm just not sure I want to this time.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Just a word or two today.
I went to dinner with Lisa last night. The entire dinner she was moaning about how she wants out of her engagement. I suspect there is another man involved but she won't tell me about that yet. I wish it was me but I can't see it. Still it was an enjoyable evening. I will probably text more about that when I have a better perspective, which will happen over time.
Today my new television came. It was sad to see the old one go out the door but after a few hours of high def I'm over it. At least I get to see one Jet game on a good picture. Meanwhile the cable box in the bedroom seems to be on the fritz. Always gotta be something.
Still no real NYE plan. I sent an email to Carolyn and her reply was short so I'm not really expecting any real plans to be made unless it's the last minute. With a new TV I could just stay in and be just as happy.
That's it for today. Tomorrow I should have more to say.
Today my new television came. It was sad to see the old one go out the door but after a few hours of high def I'm over it. At least I get to see one Jet game on a good picture. Meanwhile the cable box in the bedroom seems to be on the fritz. Always gotta be something.
Still no real NYE plan. I sent an email to Carolyn and her reply was short so I'm not really expecting any real plans to be made unless it's the last minute. With a new TV I could just stay in and be just as happy.
That's it for today. Tomorrow I should have more to say.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Armageddon in 2012?
For the days that so many things happen I never have the opportunity to post, but now that nothing much is going on I can post every day. Like I always say, "Live more, blog less".
Today is Wednesday and we are half way between Christmas and New Years. As each day goes by I grow more anxious and I don't even know why. I have no real plans. I am hesitating to make any. The only girl even willing to make a plan with me is Carolyn and I think I will see if I can make something happen there. But in my mind I almost want to leave my options open until the last minute. As I write this I realize how stupid that must sound. Compared to last year I am way ahead of the game. It was a year ago I agreed to go with Chris to a "movie event" at the Huntington Cinema. The thought was there would be a cocktail party afterwards that might include some highbrow discussions about the movie and maybe I could mix it up a bit. Pretty much all I saw were a bunch of sixty and seventy year-olds. Then I found out the "cocktails" were alcohol free. I made the best of that but I'm not doing that again. I want music and dancing.
I also want to use the end of the year to assess where I've been and where I'm going. I would like to turn up the heat on Carolyn. Either we move towards being a couple or I start spending my time elsewhere. I need to feel close to someone.
It's not like me to push the issue. One of the things that I've always felt is that the answer to those questions are usually answered before they are even asked. I believe by just talking about these things mean they will not go the way I hope. I just want what everyone else wants. I know I read the comments and I know what has been suggested is probably the best way to go. I should let go of what is not working and try to find something new. I've done singles events and joined online dating sites. I may do that again but my past experiences have been very disappointing. Maybe I'm too jaded or old but I just feel so fake when I see people in those kind of situations. Everyone looks at the surface and it's just so easy to move on that I never feel like I can connect. I'll never be the hot guy in the room so I never really feel like I can attract.
So here comes 2012 ... the last year on the Mayan calendar. Maybe End of Days? Or maybe the start of a new era. We will see.
Today is Wednesday and we are half way between Christmas and New Years. As each day goes by I grow more anxious and I don't even know why. I have no real plans. I am hesitating to make any. The only girl even willing to make a plan with me is Carolyn and I think I will see if I can make something happen there. But in my mind I almost want to leave my options open until the last minute. As I write this I realize how stupid that must sound. Compared to last year I am way ahead of the game. It was a year ago I agreed to go with Chris to a "movie event" at the Huntington Cinema. The thought was there would be a cocktail party afterwards that might include some highbrow discussions about the movie and maybe I could mix it up a bit. Pretty much all I saw were a bunch of sixty and seventy year-olds. Then I found out the "cocktails" were alcohol free. I made the best of that but I'm not doing that again. I want music and dancing.
I also want to use the end of the year to assess where I've been and where I'm going. I would like to turn up the heat on Carolyn. Either we move towards being a couple or I start spending my time elsewhere. I need to feel close to someone.
It's not like me to push the issue. One of the things that I've always felt is that the answer to those questions are usually answered before they are even asked. I believe by just talking about these things mean they will not go the way I hope. I just want what everyone else wants. I know I read the comments and I know what has been suggested is probably the best way to go. I should let go of what is not working and try to find something new. I've done singles events and joined online dating sites. I may do that again but my past experiences have been very disappointing. Maybe I'm too jaded or old but I just feel so fake when I see people in those kind of situations. Everyone looks at the surface and it's just so easy to move on that I never feel like I can connect. I'll never be the hot guy in the room so I never really feel like I can attract.
So here comes 2012 ... the last year on the Mayan calendar. Maybe End of Days? Or maybe the start of a new era. We will see.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Wonderful Christmas Time
Christmas did not end until I got myself a gift. I bought a 46" Sony TV. I was determined to spend no more than $700 and when the sales guy said the price was $899 I said forget it. I asked if it was the one on sale before Christmas for $698. He said he wasn't sure. I was ready to give up and half-hearted-ly looked around at some others. After 10 minutes he came back and said they would give me the sale price... woohoo! I said wrap it up. I decided to get it delivered because they would take away the old one. I put it on my store credit card which means one year interest free. I can pay for it all now but I'm thinking I'll pay $200 a month and have it paid off by the start of baseball.
From there I figured I needed something to put it on.The old TV is a huge console plasma thing but the way the new one is I needed something better to use. My TV bookcase is probably my best piece of furniture so I wanted something that would match to it. The first place I went to had something too small and too expensive. But the second place had what I thought was my exact same bookcase with the middle piece that would be perfect right on display. I was pretty much ready to pay whatever it would cost, but it turned out to be exactly the number I had budgeted... $200. I can't pick it up until a week from Wednesday but it should fit in my car so I'll just go get it then.
So it turned out to be a very good Christmas for me. At least the after Christmas was. The stuff before and during Christmas was all about food and drink. On Friday night I went to my brother's house for a cocktail party. One of his guests was a girl I dated way back in 1980 something. I want to say '82 but maybe I'm off a year or two. Her name is Gina and when we broke up (her idea, but I was fine with it) she found a guy who would be her husband. He was also there. It was nice to see her at first but she seemed more glad to see me than I expected. She was taking to me for a long time. Her hubby was there so it was just seeing al old friend and catching up. I forgot how much fun she was to talk to. She could always make me laugh. It's funny that as we get older and we see someone we once had feelings for they can kind of still be there even 30 years later. I almost wanted to give her my number just so we could talk more, but I thought that wouldn't be anywhere near appropriate.
I spent most of Saturday wrapping and getting ready. I stopped by Lisa's and she let me borrow a pocket printer so I could print pictures for the family. I told her to have a great Christmas to which she just rolled her eyes and said she would talk to me later. There is trouble in paradise and she is not enjoying the holiday at all. I should have hopes but I still do. It looks like she has her next thing lined up. She has dropped the name of a guy she works with a few times and I know she has a plan, twisted as it may be. As details are revealed I will relay them in the blog. For starters I know he is married.
Lisa stopped by on Christmas day and I decided not to give her the nice jewelery I bought for her. She didn't have a gift for me so I held my gift back. I will either return it or her birthday is just 6 weeks away so I can always give it to her then. Meanwhile I we made a plan to get together on Monday.
After Lisa left I went to Carolyn's for dinner. I considered not giving her the jewelry I got for her since I am rethinking our time together. She had bought me a present and it wasn't anything really special is was something nice. So I broke and gave it to her anyway. And of course she loved it. We had a nice dinner with her kids.
From there I figured I needed something to put it on.The old TV is a huge console plasma thing but the way the new one is I needed something better to use. My TV bookcase is probably my best piece of furniture so I wanted something that would match to it. The first place I went to had something too small and too expensive. But the second place had what I thought was my exact same bookcase with the middle piece that would be perfect right on display. I was pretty much ready to pay whatever it would cost, but it turned out to be exactly the number I had budgeted... $200. I can't pick it up until a week from Wednesday but it should fit in my car so I'll just go get it then.
So it turned out to be a very good Christmas for me. At least the after Christmas was. The stuff before and during Christmas was all about food and drink. On Friday night I went to my brother's house for a cocktail party. One of his guests was a girl I dated way back in 1980 something. I want to say '82 but maybe I'm off a year or two. Her name is Gina and when we broke up (her idea, but I was fine with it) she found a guy who would be her husband. He was also there. It was nice to see her at first but she seemed more glad to see me than I expected. She was taking to me for a long time. Her hubby was there so it was just seeing al old friend and catching up. I forgot how much fun she was to talk to. She could always make me laugh. It's funny that as we get older and we see someone we once had feelings for they can kind of still be there even 30 years later. I almost wanted to give her my number just so we could talk more, but I thought that wouldn't be anywhere near appropriate.
I spent most of Saturday wrapping and getting ready. I stopped by Lisa's and she let me borrow a pocket printer so I could print pictures for the family. I told her to have a great Christmas to which she just rolled her eyes and said she would talk to me later. There is trouble in paradise and she is not enjoying the holiday at all. I should have hopes but I still do. It looks like she has her next thing lined up. She has dropped the name of a guy she works with a few times and I know she has a plan, twisted as it may be. As details are revealed I will relay them in the blog. For starters I know he is married.
Lisa stopped by on Christmas day and I decided not to give her the nice jewelery I bought for her. She didn't have a gift for me so I held my gift back. I will either return it or her birthday is just 6 weeks away so I can always give it to her then. Meanwhile I we made a plan to get together on Monday.
After Lisa left I went to Carolyn's for dinner. I considered not giving her the jewelry I got for her since I am rethinking our time together. She had bought me a present and it wasn't anything really special is was something nice. So I broke and gave it to her anyway. And of course she loved it. We had a nice dinner with her kids.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Good times bad times.
I am having what I hope will be a quiet day in the office. Not a lot of people are in since we start our 4 day Christmas holiday after today. Most people with any time left are taking the day. Not me. I'm here like always.
Last night I recieved a text message from a co-worker I rarely see anymore. Mariana has been a friend since I first started here and when I met her she was single but now she is married and has year-old twins. We have always been friends although there was a time I really wanted to date her. I let that go more than 10 years ago but we always seem to re-connect about once a year. Maybe we can have a laugh over lunch today.
I was feeling especially lonely last night so I reached out by phone to Carolyn. I knew right away she was not happy. That's not something I can fix but I tried anyway. But I kept the conversation short and avoided making any plans. She was having a tough time with work and I think she almost quit. I sensed she was having her own little pity party. After like 3 "my life sucks" comments I told her we will get together for Christmas and then said goodbye. After I hung up I was feeling really bad. I'm so tired of being the fixer and want something that will give me a little joy.
Between Lisa and Carolyn it doesn't seem there is a whole person there. They both seem so broken and I wonder if I should be around them right now. It's not like either one of them see me as a solution to what their problems are. But then I feel so alone and need someone to talk to. It's tough right now.
Last night I recieved a text message from a co-worker I rarely see anymore. Mariana has been a friend since I first started here and when I met her she was single but now she is married and has year-old twins. We have always been friends although there was a time I really wanted to date her. I let that go more than 10 years ago but we always seem to re-connect about once a year. Maybe we can have a laugh over lunch today.
I was feeling especially lonely last night so I reached out by phone to Carolyn. I knew right away she was not happy. That's not something I can fix but I tried anyway. But I kept the conversation short and avoided making any plans. She was having a tough time with work and I think she almost quit. I sensed she was having her own little pity party. After like 3 "my life sucks" comments I told her we will get together for Christmas and then said goodbye. After I hung up I was feeling really bad. I'm so tired of being the fixer and want something that will give me a little joy.
Between Lisa and Carolyn it doesn't seem there is a whole person there. They both seem so broken and I wonder if I should be around them right now. It's not like either one of them see me as a solution to what their problems are. But then I feel so alone and need someone to talk to. It's tough right now.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Early Bird
I dragged myself out of bed an hour early today. That would be 5:15 AM. This was in order to make the train at 6:08 getting me into NYC by 7:10. I used this time to make it into Macy's and finish my shopping. Whew. It worked out well as I beat the crowds and took care of presents for mom, my sister, Lisa and Carolyn. It was more than $500 but I figure it's been a good year and maybe I can start the next year off on the right foot.
Then I stopped at the men's department and treated myself to a few things. Just some shirts that were marked down somewhere between 50 and 75 percent. Total was less than $60. Yay me!
I have to work today and tomorrow but then I am off for Friday and again on Monday. I guess I can get all my last minute things done Friday and get my wrapping done too. Saturday the plan is to spend Christmas Eve with my extended family. I accepted invite from Carolyn for Christmas dinner. I don't know how I feel about that but I couldn't say no.
Not much else today. I am feeling good and for once I am looking forward to a Christmas of friends and family. I've come so far to get here. I'm still alone but I feel lucky and blessed.
Then I stopped at the men's department and treated myself to a few things. Just some shirts that were marked down somewhere between 50 and 75 percent. Total was less than $60. Yay me!
I have to work today and tomorrow but then I am off for Friday and again on Monday. I guess I can get all my last minute things done Friday and get my wrapping done too. Saturday the plan is to spend Christmas Eve with my extended family. I accepted invite from Carolyn for Christmas dinner. I don't know how I feel about that but I couldn't say no.
Not much else today. I am feeling good and for once I am looking forward to a Christmas of friends and family. I've come so far to get here. I'm still alone but I feel lucky and blessed.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Santa is coming to town
I have 15 minutes to post before I go to a meeting. There isn't much to say so I can fit this in. I am working my way through getting all my money issues out of the way. Now that I've got the cash from my retirement account I can pay my VISA bill off, and pay my brother the money he is owed. I'll have enough to take care of any other expenses between now and spring. I will still try to keep a budget but at least I can make any payments that come due.
I spent last evening home doing very little. There were no phone calls in or out. I just made myself a nice dinner and chilled in from of my broken tv. I will consider getting a new one but not until at least after Christmas. I plan to get a few more presents for people over the next 3 days. I can't decide if presents for Carolyn or Lisa is warranted. I'd like to get something appropriate. My status is somewhat in limbo with each of them. My plan is to stop in Macy's at least one more time and see if something in the jewelry counter strikes me. I'm considering earrings for under $50 might be just the thing.
I spent last evening home doing very little. There were no phone calls in or out. I just made myself a nice dinner and chilled in from of my broken tv. I will consider getting a new one but not until at least after Christmas. I plan to get a few more presents for people over the next 3 days. I can't decide if presents for Carolyn or Lisa is warranted. I'd like to get something appropriate. My status is somewhat in limbo with each of them. My plan is to stop in Macy's at least one more time and see if something in the jewelry counter strikes me. I'm considering earrings for under $50 might be just the thing.
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