Too Much Time On My Hands.

I have time to think. Way too much time to think. During the week I barely ever get to talk to anyone. That may be my choice. Sometimes that is how I want it. Other times, like last night, it is just how it is. I did get 2 phone calls, but they were support calls from work and no fun at all. I have very little positive feelings looking forward to the holidays. There is no likely changes and this is depressing me.
It's been 13 years since I had a girlfriend. That experience ended right after Thanksgiving in 1997. I went from my best love to no love and while I have had feelings for someone several times that has never been returned. Because I've had it before I feel like it has to happen again. But as I get older it seems like the possibility shrinks a little every day. Right now there no possibility of anything. Whoever might turn out to be special is someone who I have yet to meet. Which means I need to start considering how I can put myself in a position to meet new people.
I've worked fairly hard to eliminate anything that may serve to block any potential to love. And yet I grow more isolated. I really wonder how I can fix my situation. It just always seems so easy for others to connect. I find myself considering putting my name into cyberspace. What I'd really like to do is just join some kind of mixed group that do what I like to do and take it from there. While that hasn't worked for me in the last 12 years or so I have always felt I came away with positive feelings and people I can still call friends.
Question is what? I am afraid that if I do get into something it will push me into financial ruin again. I am tempted to just leave things along and just start accepting my solitary life. At least for the duration of winter.
Perhaps I am at a crossroads ... or perhaps I am travelling on the same road as always.

Thanksgiving activities

I kept the computer turned off for the entire Thanksgiving weekend. First of all I made my way out on Wednesday night and that didn't go too well. I saw Coleen do her booty call thing again. Funny how you think you know someone and then find out who they really are and even though all your friends tell you what's what you still can't accept it until it hits you right between the eyes ... but enough about that. I am so over it.

It took my race on Thanksgiving morning to help me see things in a different light. I had set a goal for finishing in under 33 minutes and during the run itself I knew I needed to maintain certain split times at each mile marker. So when i past the first mark at a little over 10 minutes I knew my pace was right where i needed it to be. My sister was running too but she was somewhere behind me. I had expected her to pass me at some point but she never did. I finished right at the 33 minute mark so I was very pleased and beating my sister was an unexpected surprise. I guess I can do more than I thought.
So I felt really good about myself for the rest of the day. Even seeing Coleen later couldn't bring me down. Unfortunately I was a little dehydrated and my Thanksgiving ended early for me. The rest of the weekend I spent not doing much of anything. There was dinner out Saturday with Chris and Janet. We talked about how we all seem to be struggling with similar things. I told Janet about the singles event Chris and I went to and she wanted to know why we didn't ask her to go. There was a discussion about how I can't do that that with her because I won't try to meet women if she is there. She said she understood as she sees me do that in those kind of situations. At least I got a sense from her that she is also putting her heart out there ... just never going to be with me. It's like a broken record in my life. All single women want me as a friend.
Sunday I stopped into the bar to see the football game and saw Coleen there with another guy. Not the one from Wednesday. She came over and said hello. She looked terrible. She has been fighting a cold for over a week and now she has a cold sore and that gave her a fat lip. It was easy to just say hello and move on.
So my holiday weekend didn't involve anything great or bad. Just kept an even keel and now I can just deal with the rest of the holidays. It's already getting so cold ... this will be the longest winter.

The Race is On.

My day yesterday was more lonely than usual. No conversations with anyone outside of work. Even my workout at the gym consisted of me doing what I needed to do and getting out without a word to anyone. After I got home I wanted to have some kind of conversation except I had nothing substantial to talk about. I felt very antsy and I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to sleep. Turns out I went asleep right away. That's the power of getting a solid workout in to wear me down. I ended up sleeping very well.
Big day tomorrow and not just because it's Thanksgiving. I am planning to run a 5K race and I hope my sister will also run. Then I will go to Janet's for the dinner. The opportunity to go to my family was there but I decided to join her family instead. I figure I spend my Christmas with family so my Thanksgiving can be more optional.
Last night was my last tune up before the race. Running on a treadmill is much different than running on the street. My right knee has not responded well to the street run I did on Sunday so I'm a little nervous about how I'll handle things. I may take a few days off after just to make sure I recover. We will see.

Love my Team

Bit by bit I'm losing the ability to see Internet sites so I may find myself off of this any day now. But for the moment I am still posting.
Maybe it will be a good thing to get away from the on-line social thing and get back to meeting people in real time and eye to eye. I haven't had any real success using cyberspace.
I continue to work hard on my self-improvement program. I am slowing convincing myself that I am better everyday. No one who is close to me will ever be "the one" so I am thinking more and more about looking into new adventures.
My friend Chris, who was with me for the single event last week, seems to have the same ambition. I hope we can help each other. He was at my house for dinner last Sunday night and I made the mistake of having a little bit to drink and got on a bit of a rant. I probably said way too much ... similar to what I've gone on and on about here. It was good to have a sympathetic ear and get some feed back. I feel a bond or kinship with Chris. We both are lonely and are not satisfied with what's available.
Thing is here I am again, always able to make friends but not able to make a girl look at me romantically. I think there is someone out there who I will love and love me and all that is me but I keep getting involved with people who don't see me in that light. I need to stop making friends and just lay myself out there.
On a lighter side I enjoyed seeing my team, the New York Jets, win another thriller. I was out at the bar and all seemed lost when the Jets were down by 4 with less than a minute to go and no time outs. When the Jets scored I kind of lost it a bit. Jumped up and down and danced around. I may have scared some people. No one knows how long I've suffered waiting for a football season like this. Coleen was there and I may have scared her a bit. I was sitting next to her guy Tommy who was wearing a Jets sweatshirt that I think Coleen bought for him because he is a Giant fan. Just another dagger in my heart but I don't care ... my team won and I was living in the moment. I didn't even notice when they left.

Single scene

I need to dash this off so I can get back to working. Last night I attended a singles function for people interested in sailing. Since it's the start of the winter no one is actually looking to do any sailing but I saw it as a chance to see what might be a way to get new people into my life that share my interests. There were quite a few people there but unfortunately they all seemed to be way older then me. This was confirmed when I met the organizer who said they were trying to get young people like me as members ... younger then me? I'm 54 for crying out loud. I was there with my friend Chris who is also in his mid-50's.
I did get to swap some sailing stories with a fellow boat owner. I talked about how much I want to take a cruise next year and hadn't been in so long I was hoping to get any inside info I could. It was a good connection and we exchanges numbers on the off chance I go to Block Island we can raft up. It was while I was talking to him I saw the only possibility (a girl who was actually age appropriate) put her coat on and leave and I never got the chance to even ask her name. I did have a nice conversation with a woman named Joyce. She looked a little older but I can't be sure of anything anymore. It was a reasonable amount of money to go and I may go again after the new year. You can never tell how these things will go.
I am not sure whether I want to let my friends in on the fact that I went to something like that. As Chris I talked in the car on the way home I stated that we've just tried Plan A and now we need to start looking for Plan B. We are both more or less in the same position in that we are frustrated by being single and how there are no possibilities among the people around us. It's actually better to go to these things and be able to have a friend there so I can't isolate myself with fear.
I've decided I would like to make a date with someone ... anyone ... for New Years' Eve. I am not sure what that entails but if I can't make that happen I may just sit out the entire event and stay home. I'm tired of pretending to have a good time when I'd really like to be with someone.

New directions

I still manage to astound myself with how stupid I've become. Once more I feel sucked into something I should never have done. I find it impossible to break away.

Last Sunday I took a picture of Coleen and her aunt with a bunch of flowers that Coleen had given her for her birthday. I thought it came out really well so I printed it so she could have a copy. When she sent me a text that she could have dinner last night like a fool I changed my plans to go to the gym and went to see her. Her friend Barbara was also going to be there.

The problem with text messages is you really can't know that the person who sent it is in no condition to be out. Coleen had been drinking for about 2 hours before I got there and really needed to just go home. Which is what she did about half way through dinner. So off she went leaving me alone with Barbara. Fortunately Coleen lives only a block away and walked home. Last thing she said was maybe Barbara and I could get lucky. WTF? First off I'm not interested in Barbara and secondly Barbara has a BF. Coleen was joking ... I hope. But underneath it just made me feel she really looks at me as a non-factor. Last thing she says is I should give her a call later that night. That's not going to happen. She was going to be asleep a soon as she got home anyway.

I would let it go except it's usually her that calls me. But I could just say no and move on. I need to. But I don't want to. Because I have nothing else. Well, tonight I'm taking the first step towards changing that. I am going to a singles function with my friend Chris and hopefully I can make connections somewhere new.

Update - Got a text message from Coleen asking me if I am mad. I told her I wasn't. At least not at her. I'm not telling her how she breaks my heart, though.

Motivation is an unknown part of the equation

I had my friends and family join me to celebrate my new home. It was a long time coming but I've finally hosted an event. There are some pictures of some of the people who were there. It started at 7 but I spent all day preparing things.

Coleen spent all day helping me and cooking some of her specialties. I could tell she loves to cook and was enjoying the process. It was odd having her around so much since I hadn't really expected it. I've learned not to make too much of it. She did become a big part of my day since there really wasn't anyone else who wanted to pitch in. Actually Lisa did call and ask if I needed anything but when I told her Coleen was already there she said she would see me when the party starts.

Of course, nothing happens that is all good. With things pretty much under control and still more than 2 hours before any guests were expected to arrive Coleen decided to go home and check on things there. I was waiting for a food delivery so I stayed home. Her trip home also included a stop in the bar. With the wine we had been sharing and whatever she had at the bar adding to it she was intoxicated before anyone was even there. Needless to say she was done early and left by 9. I was also pretty sure she had made plans to see other people which was confirmed the next day when she told me she was out late.

Everyone but me and the cat had gone by a little past 11 and I was not even close to being tired. So I began the process of cleaning and trying to unwind. So many people in such a small space made me extremely tense and late into the night I wasn't even close to being ready for bed.

It was a strange sensation to go from so many friends to no one there. It was tough dealing with the solitude and I did consider going at but it was midnight and I figured the last thing I should do is try to find anyone still around. I knew there was live music and I didn't have much to drink so it wasn't like I couldn't go out. But I knew what my motivation was and the memory of seeing other's connect and me alone I just figured I should sleep and enjoy the memory of a party that went well.

Sunday morning Coleen called and we spent most of the day together. It seems like we have established this pattern of spending time together only as friends and nothing will change that. In our conversations she doesn't want to talk about the future ... whether about me or anything else. All the men in her life are only ever identified as friends even the ones I believe she is sleeping with. I also get a sense she doesn't want me to know who they are.

Someone commented about how much credit she took for my party and I acknowledged that she did do a lot. But I do wish her motivation was more about me than is currently is.