What up

I'm sitting here on a Sunday night enjoying life. I can find no reason to complain about anything. I got to spend my day with Coleen. And it was her who reached out to me. So I'm really not going anywhere with her but I love the fact that I can be close to her and she wants me there. I like her and what she does. have given up any expectations so I can just take things as they are.

I am not even sure she is being honest with me but I think it doesn't even occur to her to not be honest. Still I think she hies things. Random text messages that she even lets me read but doesn't tell me who wrote them. Yes, she has something else going on and it's not me but what the heck, it is fun just being her friend.

So I got to eat dinner with her and the family and then we went and had drinks. She was so beautiful and I got to hear her play her music ... country like always. It's something that makes me more close to her but that's from way back to Patty O'Neill ... okay the people I've met since then too. Lisa, Eileen, the Meeker sisters ... all were influences. Brings me here today.

I have hopes to close on my new place this week. I am so upset it's not done already but when it gets done I should get over it. Tick tock tick tock. It's happening one way or the other. Stay tuned.

Update

My ability to write has been severely hampered by life. The last month or so I haven't been turning my computer on after work very often. Sometimes I find other things to keep me busy and other times I just don't feel like it.

I am about to move in about a week. I will finally be living in a place I think I can really feel is home. I'm sure I've felt that way in most of the other places I live but my memory of that is dim.

My exercise program has been more difficult. I still run but my hip is giving me chronic pain so I've needed to slow down a lot. I can't be sure how to change that.

I had my boat put into the water today. I made it into the marina without any problems until I was tying up and noticed the bilge pump pushing water out the back. I looked down below and sure enough there was a lot of water in the bilge. I closed all the thru-hull openings and set about searching for the leak. I found it about 3 hours later. More stress.

I've managed to get close to Coleen again. Not going any where though. I look at her now as someone I'll never get. She has other ideas. I think I'm better off. She has so many problems I can't see her ever being satisfied unless someone just takes care of her. That could never be me.

My weekly blog

Hey, so now I'm a once a week blogger. Oh well... so here it is. I have a need to vent and maybe it will be more negative than I should have it but so be it.

My weekend was good. I got to see Coleen and I spent a ton of time getting my boat ready. No bad things except I drank way more than I should have. But I am here on Sunday night and nothing has come of it that I'm feeling bad about. I just wish I knew I could find love that was real. At least I do feel loved somewhat. I get a call from the people I care about now and then. And I have just a little bit of validation that makes me feel like I have relevance.

I wish I could figure out Janet. On Saturday I noticed she was checking my out which it something new. Nothing earth shattering but she was asked if she wanted another drink and she looked to see if I had a full drink before she said she would have another. Just a subtle thing I noticed. It has me wondering.

Okay and then there is Lisa. God, I really love Lisa, but she has a man she seems to be making a life with. And then we have this very odd conversation about how she isn't getting what she wants from that whole thing. I get a sense she doesn't want me to get involved so I let it go as that.

So my day was all about polishing the boat and I still have more to do. But it feels good to make that go. It will be warm soon and my boat should be my focal point of how my life will be. That and my new place. My May will be really loaded with things to do. Boat, apartment, life ... it is all happening at once. I sometimes thing I have everything lining up in my favor. Tomorrow is another day.

It's all good

It's been a week since I've last even looked at this. I was all worried last week over nothing. Just a little meltdown. No serious repercussions. My late night phone exchange ended up being something we laughed about. Since then I've been consumed with moving preparations and pushing my mortgage documents through. I am all approved and now must have a meeting with the co-op board, which I expect will just be a short hello and approval. Then I deal with the closing and all that money changing hands. And then I can actually move. My biggest concern is how this will effect my cat, Tigger. He gets to use the backyard where I am now and he likes going in and out several times a day. This is probably not possible in the new apartment. One of us will need to deal with that. We will see.

I've shut down the running in the hopes that my sore hip and leg get better. It's starting to look like it may be something I will have to get used to. I'm planning to run at the gym this weekend so we will see how that goes.

Not sure what the rest of my weekend will be. No one is making plans with me so I may be on my own. I have plenty to do.

Confused

What am I doing? I may have lost it last night. I woke up this morning and realized I had sent text messages to Lisa and Coleen at about 10:30. Neither one responded right away. But at 1:30 in the morning I was awakened by my cell phone getting a text message. It was from Coleen. My first impulse was to ignore it but I just couldn't. So I texted back and then even made a call. I got a short message back but didn't even realize I'd made the call until I looked at my phone log. What must I have been thinking. I'm sure she must think I'm way out there.

We had decided earlier to not go upstate to see her band friends. So I'm off the hook. My feeling was more disappointment than there should be. Now I feel like it's for the best. I have no clue what is going on in my head anymore.

Thoughts on a quiet Wednesday

Not having much fun today. I'm at work but I've been mostly looking at what needs to be done for my mortgage. I have my tax return ready to go out so I'm adding that to my paperwork. So as you can see it's not fun to read about and even less to do.

It's been a quiet week and I haven't really even spoken to anyone. I haven't been able to do anything at the gym either. It's such a change from the weekend that was so busy I could barely keep up. Part of me is glad to have the down time but life is creeping along at a snail's pace.

I made tentative plans with Coleen this Friday to take a trip upstate to see 38 Special. Last we spoke she was planning to go but if she backs out I wouldn't bee surprised and I may even feel like I'm off the hook if she does. She doesn't like me as much as I would know we would end up talking a lot while we drive. I have a feeling she will be trying to get more than just her and I to go which would be worse. What is really stupid is it was my idea. Never thinking she would even consider it.

So my mind has been drifting as to what may be the result of spending a lot of time with someone who obviously doesn't like me nearly as much as I seem to like her. Still, I have this fantasy reality of things suddenly becoming romantic because it'll be the right time and place. Or she will wake up and decide she doesn't want to even go.

Apparently Janet hooked up with Bunky last weekend. What's odd is I saw them as they were getting together on Friday night. At least that is the rumor. I spent Saturday afternoon with her and when I asked her what time she finally got home she said she wasn't sure. I guess now I know why she didn't say ... she never made it home. And who do you think tells me about this? None other than Coleen. Lucky I am way past caring for Janet that way. Thing is I kind of blew her off to go have dinner with Coleen on Saturday. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is having a better time than I am. I'm sure that will come back to haunt me.

I watched Julie and Julia on tv this week. It was interesting to see someone who wrote a blog that becomes so popular that the newspaper writes about it. As much as I would love that in my blog I just don't have the interesting reality that could ever get me that notoriety. There would need to more success and less obsess. It's probably just me ... paralyzed by my own fears.

Optimism abounds.

Lots of stuff going on this past weekend. Coleen has begun to reach out to me on a regular basis. It was a fun weekend and I feel good about things. I guess she was mostly just bored but I took advantage of the opportunity to spend Saturday evening out to dinner with her. I think she must had fun since she called me again on Sunday and had a drink. She seemed like she was being very flirty mostly with anyone else and not me. No sexual tension there. I still can't seem to make my mind look at her as a friend even though she insists that is all we can be.

Still waiting for mortgage to come through. Rates are still holding steady. No much point in getting worked up over it. I got a lot of things pushed out my door to the trash. Most of it never made it past the middle of the day as someone picked through it all and took anything electrical.

I'm feeling very optimistic right now. I find myself looking forward to each day.