Took Coleen to a concert last night. On the one hand it was fun. She is always good to be with. On the other it was just a night out with a friend. She was great to take to a concert, she claps, and sings and dances. I wish I'd met her 20 years ago. I wonder if she even knows how much fun she is to be around.
It was a non-drinking event too. That's the second time we were able to be out and not drunk and still having a good time. I worry too much. I guess my sister has me more self-conscious than need be.
I did get a call from Janet while I was out. She was looking for something to do on a rainy day. I never know what to expect with her. I know there is no romance from that direction but she keeps reaching out to me. Like she isn't really sure. My timing is always off. I think I'm going to try to spend more time with Janet in the next few weeks.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Still here
Life is never as good as you'd like it but never as bad as you fear. Summer is a little more than half gone. While it hasn't been a summer to remember, I have had a good time. I wish I in love and waking up and having breakfast with someone after spending the previous night in each other's arms. But that's just a pipe-dream at this point and the realization that I'll never see that again is becoming more and more apparent. It's bearable.
I still spend way more time with Coleen than anyone else. If I go back and read the earlier blogs I see myself wanting to get closer to her and now I am. When I think on that I feel like I can almost accomplish anything. That being said I've really hit the wall. It's gone as far as I want it to go. She still considers Mark her guy even though she barely talks to him and sees him maybe once a month. Still he asked her to take off to spend a weekend away with him and she went.
My other friends Janet and Roberta are still giving me a hard time but they haven't abandoned me. I have been going out of my way to keep them separate and they called me on it this week. I simply said that I don't want to "compartmentize" my friends but I feel I can't get in the middle when friends of mine are not able to be friends. I still fail to understand why it's so bad that to be in the same room is so uncomfortable but I've given up on trying to change it.
So I'm here on a beautiful Saturday morning and I have nothing to do. Last night I went dancing with Roberta and Janet even though I had hopes of going with Coleen. It was supposed to be an outdoor event but it rained so thing moved indoors. Coleen said if it's inside she wouldn't bother. I considered blowing it off and going home early, but I'm glad I went. Dancing is so much fun. I may have made a spectacle out of myself but no one seems to mind. It ended at 10:30. Coleen said she would call me later but my cell phone never did ring. I had a feeling she was seeing Mark. Which means she sat on the couch watching TV and Mark drank beer until he passes out. What a catch. Janet and Roberta wanted to go out some more but my limited budget said I should break for home and get some food. Since I didn't eat dinner I went home and had some leftovers. Went to bed by 11:30.
There is more weekend left so I need to shut this off and get to it.
I still spend way more time with Coleen than anyone else. If I go back and read the earlier blogs I see myself wanting to get closer to her and now I am. When I think on that I feel like I can almost accomplish anything. That being said I've really hit the wall. It's gone as far as I want it to go. She still considers Mark her guy even though she barely talks to him and sees him maybe once a month. Still he asked her to take off to spend a weekend away with him and she went.
My other friends Janet and Roberta are still giving me a hard time but they haven't abandoned me. I have been going out of my way to keep them separate and they called me on it this week. I simply said that I don't want to "compartmentize" my friends but I feel I can't get in the middle when friends of mine are not able to be friends. I still fail to understand why it's so bad that to be in the same room is so uncomfortable but I've given up on trying to change it.
So I'm here on a beautiful Saturday morning and I have nothing to do. Last night I went dancing with Roberta and Janet even though I had hopes of going with Coleen. It was supposed to be an outdoor event but it rained so thing moved indoors. Coleen said if it's inside she wouldn't bother. I considered blowing it off and going home early, but I'm glad I went. Dancing is so much fun. I may have made a spectacle out of myself but no one seems to mind. It ended at 10:30. Coleen said she would call me later but my cell phone never did ring. I had a feeling she was seeing Mark. Which means she sat on the couch watching TV and Mark drank beer until he passes out. What a catch. Janet and Roberta wanted to go out some more but my limited budget said I should break for home and get some food. Since I didn't eat dinner I went home and had some leftovers. Went to bed by 11:30.
There is more weekend left so I need to shut this off and get to it.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I have issues
It's still July. This has been a really quiet week. Feels like no one wants to talk to me. Except Coleen, but she only wants to be friends. She is reminding me of that now pretty much with every conversation. This is making me sad and frustrated. I'm pretty sure Janet is in a tiff about something, which for her is really bad. She is probably a little put off because I spent my Forth of July with Coleen. Or she is just busy. It's hard to tell since no one is keeping me in the loop.
The real kicker is my sister called me to say I need to go to an AA meeting. She thinks I have a drinking problem, which I'm not sure I want to argue with her about. I just think I need to take a long hard look in the mirror. I want to tell my friends but they all probably have bigger drinking problems than me. So I've been rolling that over in my head all week.
So here I am doing this rather than working. I am considering going away this weekend alone and doing some soul searching. That and I just want to take the boat away and no one else is that interested in joining me. I might be causing this situation, I don't know. I think I have been dissing my friends for Coleen, but given a choice I have been choosing her and that was not what I wanted, it's the way my friends have made it.
The real kicker is my sister called me to say I need to go to an AA meeting. She thinks I have a drinking problem, which I'm not sure I want to argue with her about. I just think I need to take a long hard look in the mirror. I want to tell my friends but they all probably have bigger drinking problems than me. So I've been rolling that over in my head all week.
So here I am doing this rather than working. I am considering going away this weekend alone and doing some soul searching. That and I just want to take the boat away and no one else is that interested in joining me. I might be causing this situation, I don't know. I think I have been dissing my friends for Coleen, but given a choice I have been choosing her and that was not what I wanted, it's the way my friends have made it.
Monday, July 6, 2009
What happened
Wow, I completely missed June. The time spent between the holidays of Mem Day and the Forth were dreary and rainy. I haven't had an excuse to take any pictures the entire month. For the most part not much happened until most recently. I did get away to Florida to visit dad for a week. When I was there my mom flew north to see the rest of the family. So I got a lot of one on one time with dad.
My dad is currently battling cancer, emphysema and just old age. So it was pretty emotional when I left because there is a very real possibility he can be gone before my next visit. We did a lot of talking and had some real bonding moments. We also did a few projects he wanted done. It's really hard to get him to slow down, but mom says it's because he doesn't want us to know he's not able to keep up as much. He would get fatigued but wouldn't stop until he almost passes out. But he is still doing all the things he needs to and gets up early and moves around fine. I guess what I'm most afraid of is that he won't let us know how sick he is until it's so bad he will be in the hospital. My plan is to make another trip down in the fall. I just hope his health is still good.
Once again I have been finding myself seeing more and more of Coleen. I've never been like this with anyone. We are still just being friends, but lately she is all I can think about. I really love her. I was spending a lot of time with Janet in the hopes that I can reset me mind onto something else. But it hasn't worked at all. Janet is so beautiful and thin and blond and I should be so attracted to her but there is nothing. I see Coleen and I just want to take her in my arms and make her mine. It doesn't really matter because I can't get to first base with either of them.
Last Friday I was out with Janet and some other friends and it was fine, not bad but nothing special either. We were listening to some outdoor music in the village. I kept hoping Coleen would come down, but she never did even though she knew I was there ... knew I was there with Janet. After the music ended we went into our favorite bar and I had hoped Coleen would be there but she had just left. After about 10 minutes my cell phone rang and it was Coleen. She was up the street but was heading home soon. So I was tired and thought I'd call it a night. Then I get in my car and do a drive by where Coleen was. I am walking in just as she is walking out. We sit for a little while and I have one more drink. Suddenly I'm not so tired. We made plans for the 4th, since she isn't seeing Mark. But she can't stay and she lives only a hundred feet away and walks home.
The Forth of July had to be one of the best days I've had in a long time. We spent the entire day together. I picked her up and we ran some errands to get things ready for the fireworks. Then we were at my sister's then her brother's then stopped and had a glass of wine. All the time she is with me. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. Then we went to the boat and waited for my family to come down to see the fireworks. There was a lot of wind but it was a clear warm evening. Everyone got on board and we saw a great show. Coleen looked like she was enjoying it and that made me glad. Back at the marina my family all left and we were visiting all the other people at the dock. Coleen was especially outgoing. It was so great to have her be a part of everything. We never really had a moment alone until it was time to go. There was one instant where she felt she needed to remind me that we are friends and there would be no overnight on the boat. When it got late I drove her home. It felt like neither one of us wanted to end the night so we took a drive by the high school just so we could sing a song together on the radio. It was a good moment. Then at her house she got out and I leaned in for a kiss and unfortunately got nothing but cheek. With that she was gone and I am left with the memory of a great day.
I wish I knew how to break this pattern of friendships with girls I like. I know I need to be more upfront about what I want from people but I'm just not able to. I shouldn't have hopes but I still do. I'm just counting the minutes until the next thing. I play this over and over in my mind but it never works out the way I would like it to. I can ask the question, but I think I know the answer will be "No, I don't like you like that". So how can I make this change? It will but meanwhile I ache.
My dad is currently battling cancer, emphysema and just old age. So it was pretty emotional when I left because there is a very real possibility he can be gone before my next visit. We did a lot of talking and had some real bonding moments. We also did a few projects he wanted done. It's really hard to get him to slow down, but mom says it's because he doesn't want us to know he's not able to keep up as much. He would get fatigued but wouldn't stop until he almost passes out. But he is still doing all the things he needs to and gets up early and moves around fine. I guess what I'm most afraid of is that he won't let us know how sick he is until it's so bad he will be in the hospital. My plan is to make another trip down in the fall. I just hope his health is still good.
Once again I have been finding myself seeing more and more of Coleen. I've never been like this with anyone. We are still just being friends, but lately she is all I can think about. I really love her. I was spending a lot of time with Janet in the hopes that I can reset me mind onto something else. But it hasn't worked at all. Janet is so beautiful and thin and blond and I should be so attracted to her but there is nothing. I see Coleen and I just want to take her in my arms and make her mine. It doesn't really matter because I can't get to first base with either of them.
Last Friday I was out with Janet and some other friends and it was fine, not bad but nothing special either. We were listening to some outdoor music in the village. I kept hoping Coleen would come down, but she never did even though she knew I was there ... knew I was there with Janet. After the music ended we went into our favorite bar and I had hoped Coleen would be there but she had just left. After about 10 minutes my cell phone rang and it was Coleen. She was up the street but was heading home soon. So I was tired and thought I'd call it a night. Then I get in my car and do a drive by where Coleen was. I am walking in just as she is walking out. We sit for a little while and I have one more drink. Suddenly I'm not so tired. We made plans for the 4th, since she isn't seeing Mark. But she can't stay and she lives only a hundred feet away and walks home.
The Forth of July had to be one of the best days I've had in a long time. We spent the entire day together. I picked her up and we ran some errands to get things ready for the fireworks. Then we were at my sister's then her brother's then stopped and had a glass of wine. All the time she is with me. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. Then we went to the boat and waited for my family to come down to see the fireworks. There was a lot of wind but it was a clear warm evening. Everyone got on board and we saw a great show. Coleen looked like she was enjoying it and that made me glad. Back at the marina my family all left and we were visiting all the other people at the dock. Coleen was especially outgoing. It was so great to have her be a part of everything. We never really had a moment alone until it was time to go. There was one instant where she felt she needed to remind me that we are friends and there would be no overnight on the boat. When it got late I drove her home. It felt like neither one of us wanted to end the night so we took a drive by the high school just so we could sing a song together on the radio. It was a good moment. Then at her house she got out and I leaned in for a kiss and unfortunately got nothing but cheek. With that she was gone and I am left with the memory of a great day.
I wish I knew how to break this pattern of friendships with girls I like. I know I need to be more upfront about what I want from people but I'm just not able to. I shouldn't have hopes but I still do. I'm just counting the minutes until the next thing. I play this over and over in my mind but it never works out the way I would like it to. I can ask the question, but I think I know the answer will be "No, I don't like you like that". So how can I make this change? It will but meanwhile I ache.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Memorial Day Weekend
Memorial Day is over and I have the boat fully prepped. So I can finally say it's practically summer. I realize that it's not officially summer until June 21 but for me it's summer from Memorial Day until Labor Day.
My summer blast off started when I hosted my annual picnic on Saturday. That is also the day they have fireworks right near the park where my boat is kept. The weather could not have been better. The forecast was for possible rain late in the day. My hopes were for anything to happen after midnight. Turns out the rain never came at all.
My biggest issue was from work on Friday into Saturday. Under duress I was forced to support an implementation on Friday night. Very stressful and even though there were no problems I had to be awake from 3 a.m. until dawn. This left me with 3 hours of sleep for my picnic. I wasn't so much as tired as I was just grumpy. But I pushed on.
So my day was really good. Everyone had plenty to eat and drink. There are things I'd like to do different. Getting more sleep next year will be first on my list. I was more than a little disappointed that Lisa decided to skip the entire day. I feel like I don't even know her anymore.
The rest of my weekend went fine. I saw Coleen on Sunday. It was casual. I hadn't seen her in a while so it was good but still no changes. I saw her again on Memorial Day at Jami's party. I spent more time talking to Janet than Coleen. Obviously, I need to focus on other things. And I am doing that.
Not much more to the weekend. No excitement, but no drama either. Lots of good time with friends. I couldn't ask for a better weekend although it would be better if I could have the love I search for.
My summer blast off started when I hosted my annual picnic on Saturday. That is also the day they have fireworks right near the park where my boat is kept. The weather could not have been better. The forecast was for possible rain late in the day. My hopes were for anything to happen after midnight. Turns out the rain never came at all.
My biggest issue was from work on Friday into Saturday. Under duress I was forced to support an implementation on Friday night. Very stressful and even though there were no problems I had to be awake from 3 a.m. until dawn. This left me with 3 hours of sleep for my picnic. I wasn't so much as tired as I was just grumpy. But I pushed on.
So my day was really good. Everyone had plenty to eat and drink. There are things I'd like to do different. Getting more sleep next year will be first on my list. I was more than a little disappointed that Lisa decided to skip the entire day. I feel like I don't even know her anymore.
The rest of my weekend went fine. I saw Coleen on Sunday. It was casual. I hadn't seen her in a while so it was good but still no changes. I saw her again on Memorial Day at Jami's party. I spent more time talking to Janet than Coleen. Obviously, I need to focus on other things. And I am doing that.
Not much more to the weekend. No excitement, but no drama either. Lots of good time with friends. I couldn't ask for a better weekend although it would be better if I could have the love I search for.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Ugh...
Here I am. It's the holiday weekend and I want to make it all sound good. I've had much stress and confusion. My work is in chaos and the rest of my life isn't any different. Don't know how to do anything.
So I'm watching Hitch and I so wish it was real life. The movie make all things possible. It's done so well. Albert is so much the every man. The Q-tip... ha!. I'm staying home. So I'm wanting to say a lot but not so much.
My life lately has been more about Janet and I get such mixed messages right now I can't understand how I should feel. Janet is such an angel and I can't believe I get to be a part of her life. And she calls me and makes me feel as if I am as important to her as anyone.But at the same time i never ever get the romantic "I love you" vibe from her. Part of me is thinking she is just the kind of girl who wants to make her feelings like poker.God forbid anyone should see how she feels.
So the Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend I had a picnic for as many of my friends and family as would come. Coleen blew me off but I had barely invited her. Lisa blew me off too. That bothered me more than it should have. I feel like I barely know Lisa anymore.
So today I got a surprise visit from Coleen and of course I felt really honored. I made the most of it. I had her helping me on the boat. We got some really good things done and it seemed like we were bonding. Meanwhile I had told Janet I would be seeing her ... casually of course. So i felt like i was playing off who would give me the most likely satisfaction. And it's really neither. So frustrating. I'm so stupid. What can i do?Ugh....
So I'm watching Hitch and I so wish it was real life. The movie make all things possible. It's done so well. Albert is so much the every man. The Q-tip... ha!. I'm staying home. So I'm wanting to say a lot but not so much.
My life lately has been more about Janet and I get such mixed messages right now I can't understand how I should feel. Janet is such an angel and I can't believe I get to be a part of her life. And she calls me and makes me feel as if I am as important to her as anyone.But at the same time i never ever get the romantic "I love you" vibe from her. Part of me is thinking she is just the kind of girl who wants to make her feelings like poker.God forbid anyone should see how she feels.
So the Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend I had a picnic for as many of my friends and family as would come. Coleen blew me off but I had barely invited her. Lisa blew me off too. That bothered me more than it should have. I feel like I barely know Lisa anymore.
So today I got a surprise visit from Coleen and of course I felt really honored. I made the most of it. I had her helping me on the boat. We got some really good things done and it seemed like we were bonding. Meanwhile I had told Janet I would be seeing her ... casually of course. So i felt like i was playing off who would give me the most likely satisfaction. And it's really neither. So frustrating. I'm so stupid. What can i do?Ugh....
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
A blog about nothing
I've been thinking I'm about done with this. I keep hoping that I can get some movement in my life. Seems like I can't get out of the room. No pictures worth posting. Can't even think of a good headline.
I'll get over it... just not yet.
I'll get over it... just not yet.
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