Sugar and spice

Out of nowhere I heard from Carolyn earlier this week. So, of course we made plans to have dinner this weekend. She reached out to me via email and she wants to get together so I said yes. Maybe this is my chance to take some advice from VJ and make a stand. Thing is I'd about lost interest in Carolyn and I am actually thankful we kept some distance. Right now she is all about her troubles that have nothing to do with me. She has been screwed by her ex-husband, her family, and her job. And on top of that before we started spending time together her bf, Andy died from cancer. That was more than a year ago. She is so wounded.
Carolyn is also very attractive and she used to be fun. She would flirt with me and make me think I was a man who had something. But then as I got to know her better she has shut me down. I'm not sure if she looked at me different or I was just getting into a comfort zone that meant we didn't have that spark any more. Regardless the dynamic between us was changed. And not for the better. Although I was filling a need for her I started to feel like my needs were never being addressed. So I've been letting her go.
I would like to put these thoughts out there with her but I'm not sure I'm prepared for what commitment might be needed. She may have to move out of her house and I'm not sure I can make room in my life for that. I'm not sure I can put someones whole life under my roof.
And all these things are spinning around in my head. I know I shouldn't over think this but all I have is my thoughts. What is funny is it was almost exactly a year ago since I had my little thing with Doreen. She liked me enough to want to go to AC with me but I needed to go slower. Then she went with her ex-bf and I just blew her off after that. She just needed to have someone take care of her. She wanted a sugar daddy and I am never looking to be that.  

Mid-week and mid-life crisis

I managed to file my taxes this week. I'm receiving more than $4000 if I did my forms right. That's why I bought a new home. Once I get my money I should be fine for the foreseeable future. I can even start to think about getting a new car. But probably will wait.
Lisa came by and I helped her with the tax return she needed to as well. Her return was much simpler that mine, but that will change for her next year. We were done fairly quick so we sat back with a drink and she tald me about her Easter. She is easily stressed and a huge family gathering was no exception. Her soon-to-be ex went with her and she was telling me how easy it is for her to slip into being part of a couple. For a while she had enjoyed herself, but then she got annoyed at the men who pretty much at and ignored the clean-up process. She said she couldn't even vent because her bf never really gets it.
So we then talked about her future and I found myself trying to reassure her that things will be great. She is afraid of being alone and I was trying to make her feel better about it. Later I was thinking how I hypocritical because I have been struggling and I'm only more optimistic now because I may get to spend more time with her. She will probably have other men before too long and that will bother me. And yet there I am telling her how there will be a good future for her even though deep down I hope not. I need to find words that are more honest and sincere and yet are helpful.

Easter

I'm not real happy with my Blog lately. Seems that it has been under attack buy spammers. I've been getting dozens of comments but none with keeping or even reading. It has me considering other options.
I do use facebook, but I don't feel comfortable telling the whole truth there. To many know me and might not feel good about everything I say.
Sunday was Easter and I had a family dinner at my sister's along with 3 of my 4 siblings. My sister pulled out all the stops making a ham, lamb and lasagna. There wasn't enough room on one plate for everything. We are now quite an assortment .... there was my sister Maryliz, her husband Ken, and her three who are all over 20 now. Her oldest introduced her new bf Jordon. He seems okay. Only time will tell for her.
My older brother Barry was there but was without his wife or 2 kids. He has them all away, the kids are at school and the wife is visiting her mom in Florida.
Another brother Sean was there with his 2 girls. His marriage is slowly coming to an end and his soon to be ex-wife (who he is still living with btw) was with her family. I didn't even ask where.
Then there was my nephew James and is new wife Linda. They chose to spend Easter with us rather than going to his own sister's house along with his parents, my other brother Brian.
The weather turned out nice so there was an Easter egg hunt ... which you might think we are all a little old for but I guess not. We pooled some money and there was a winning egg which I did not get.
Speaking of money, I started doing my taxes on Saturday and I can't find some of my documents. I know I had them and I thought I put them in a safe place but now I can't find them anywhere/ I tore my house apart looking too. So now I need to see if I can get copies. I need to get it done by next Monday.

It's all pretty lame right now.

I updated the look of my blog and my initial response is it's pretty lame. But to me it's all about content but I'm not sure that's much different. But it's my blog so I'll make changes when I feel the urge, otherwise this is it.
I got home from work last night and all I could do was crash on the couch. No gym, no going to the bar, no phone calls in or out. It's the hermits life for me. It was fairly warm outside as well. I considered going for a walk but didn't.
Easter is coming and I have plans for dinner at my sister's along with who ever else from my family shows up. I'm not sure what I'll bring but I need to do something. Maybe some kind of dessert.
Work has been keeping me busy and I haven't been updating as frequently as I once did. It's work and little else going on right now. I'm really just biding my time waiting for the baseball season to start and for Lisa to move to her new place right across the street from me. I also have to start getting the boat in order too. That typically starts now.

Another weekend has come and gone. I did little to nothing. I was out with Janet and Roberta on Friday and before we even had a drink in front of us but who walks in none other than Coleen. She was there with Tommy, he's a jerk. Last time I saw him he had fallen over in the bathroom of the bar. And it wasn't even 3 PM yet. Well, I'd decided I wasn't going to spend any more of my time with stupid idiots like them. And what happens, they find me when I go out to dinner. Coleen did stop by and say hello, and wanted to meet me at the gym. But I've been stood up enough to know she's not doing that.
After than I enjoyed an okay dinner and we moved on to have a drink at the bar. I was home by 10. But I still couldn't get my ass out of bed for the gym. Eventually my phone rang and that got me out of bed. Lisa needed to stop by. I can't wait until she moves. I may be more excited about her move than I was about mine. I need to not be.
No word from Carolyn for a while. I guess she is doing what she needs to do get get her life back on track. I hope. I have a feeling at the end she will be leaving town.

It's a free ride when you've already paid.

Friday. Yay. I think. I haven't done much this week to be proud of. I've blown off the gym and have no excuse. I just go home and get on the couch and can't move. No where to go. March needs to end now. Spring is here but it is still kind of cold. The 70 degree weather that teased us a week ago is just a memory now.
At least tonight I have a plan I reached out to Janet and she and her friend Roberta and I are going to a seafood restuarant for dinner tonight. I recently found out that Janet's daughter will have her first grandchild in September and it's a secret. The rest of my weekend is kind of up in the air. I wouldn't mind doing nothing. I know I need to stay away from the bar.
I called Carolyn last night but could only get her voicemail. I'm not even sure if she even still has the phone since it may have been tied to her job that she no longer has. I don't even care that she never called me back.
What does bother me is I don't hear much from Lisa lately. I know she has to focus on a big project at work so I've been trying to let her come to me. But I also still continue to be nagged by this feeling she has something going on at work besides the project. His name is married Mark and that is all I know.
I read with keen interest the tips from VJ on getting laid and while she does have good advice, there wasn't really anything there I don't already know. Unfortunately like Alanis Morrissette says in her song Ironic, there's good advice that you just can't take.

My dreams are not coming true.

I overslept this morning so I had to take the later train. It was nice to get the extra sleep but I don't have my usual morning time to create a big post. My plan was to create a list of things that no one here probably knows. I'll try but it will definitely be shorter than originally planned.

1. I was an English major in college but flunked out because I couldn't write well enough.


2. I didn't have a girlfriend either in high school or college.


3. From the time I was 24 until I was 44 I moved 14 times. Always less than 5 miles away.


4. I play Strat-o-matic baseball since I was 12, first with cards and dice and now with computer. The factory is located less than a mile from the house I grew up in.


5. In almost 20 years at my job I've taken less than 10 sick days.


6. I have more than 3000 cd's. Seems like I never listen to them though.


7. Up until 10 years ago I would go skiing in Vermont at least 10 weekends in winter each year. Since then I've skied exactly once. And I was VERY afraid.


8. I own a guitar but I don't know how to play it.


9. In three years I learned how to scuba dive and logged over 100 dives. I haven't gone on a dive in over 8 years.


10. I own a boat that my mom and dad traveled everywhere from Maine to the Bahamas and the Florida Keys. When I first got it I took it out to Martha's Vineyard and Newport, but I have not gone overnight on it in about 8 years.

I have dreams and I have what I need to get to where I want to go but I have been so stuck in life I'm not sure if I'll ever find what I want. I know it's 99 percent my doing and I guess I need to make my own way.