It's just another regular day. My evening was spent last night with just me and the cat. I'm not complaining. I felt pretty comfortable just leaning back on the couch where I didn't need to do anything. I know I will need to do some Christmas shopping soon but I don't really have a plan yet so I'm not rushing it.
I was considering going to the gym tonight, but instead I asked Lisa if she would like to go get some dinner with me. So I'm missing another night but I'd much rather have conversation than work out.
A week from today I am going to see a concert in NYC with Carolyn. Even though I was excited when I got the tickets I'm feeling like it's not going to be the bonding experience I had hoped it might be. Carolyn seems so distant and shut down to me and I know it's not about me. She seems to freak out over the oddest of things. She keeps trying to warn me. Her ex has an "OJ Simpson" type violent personality. She will not allow herself to get close to anyone because of it. I try to talk to her but she is like a wall right now.
I keep thinking about Lisa. I know she is struggling right now. Life would be much better if somehow she loved me. But that doesn't seem like it can happen. We know each other too long as friends and she just doesn't have those feelings for me. When she got engaged last year I was actually looking forward to seeing her wedding. Now that doesn't look like it will happen and she is talking about being single again. I have mixed feelings about that.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Darkness
Tuesday was such a blah day. I got nothing done at work which fine since there isn't anything due until at least after New Years. I am suffering from lack of sunlight. It's dark when I go to work and it's dark when I go home. If I don't manage to get to a window at some point during the day I never see the sun. This actually happens quite often.
My mind has been drifting. Since I won the first round of playoffs I keep looking at football stats. I know I only need to fill out and lineup and that can be done in all of 5 minutes on Thursday I am taking way too much time thinking of what I should do. I have a tendency to build myself up and I need to level out so that if I lose I don't get to disappointed.
I made it into the gym last night. I have been slacking off a lot lately and seems like I can't so half of what I was able to do only a few months ago. But at least I got there.
After I finished and had a nice dinner I reached out to Carolyn. We had made a tentative plan to have dinner on Wednesday and I wanted to remind her about it. Like I said it was tentative, which of course means she is cancelling. After talking to her for a few minutes I wasn't that disappointed. Her mood right now is really dark and sad. She is surrounded by an aura of negativity right now. She started to reel them off to me and it got old really fast. I thought, "yeah, maybe sharing a dinner with her right now is not so great". I tried to push her into some more positive things but she was not letting anything go.
So after 30 minutes I found an excuse to end the call. After hanging up I decided I still want to do something on Wednesday night. I still owe Lisa a dinner so I sent her a text. She never texted back so I guess she had put her phone away. She is not in a much better place than Carolyn, but at least Lisa will work her way out of it.
Seems like every woman I know is struggling with something. Maybe it's a lack of sunlight for everyone.
My mind has been drifting. Since I won the first round of playoffs I keep looking at football stats. I know I only need to fill out and lineup and that can be done in all of 5 minutes on Thursday I am taking way too much time thinking of what I should do. I have a tendency to build myself up and I need to level out so that if I lose I don't get to disappointed.
I made it into the gym last night. I have been slacking off a lot lately and seems like I can't so half of what I was able to do only a few months ago. But at least I got there.
After I finished and had a nice dinner I reached out to Carolyn. We had made a tentative plan to have dinner on Wednesday and I wanted to remind her about it. Like I said it was tentative, which of course means she is cancelling. After talking to her for a few minutes I wasn't that disappointed. Her mood right now is really dark and sad. She is surrounded by an aura of negativity right now. She started to reel them off to me and it got old really fast. I thought, "yeah, maybe sharing a dinner with her right now is not so great". I tried to push her into some more positive things but she was not letting anything go.
So after 30 minutes I found an excuse to end the call. After hanging up I decided I still want to do something on Wednesday night. I still owe Lisa a dinner so I sent her a text. She never texted back so I guess she had put her phone away. She is not in a much better place than Carolyn, but at least Lisa will work her way out of it.
Seems like every woman I know is struggling with something. Maybe it's a lack of sunlight for everyone.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Winning
As in Fantasy Football. It was the first round of the playoffs and I finished the season on a 3 game losing streak. So I had gone from 7-2 to 7-5 and barely missed getting a bye. At one point Sunday I was behind 100 to 30. When I saw that I figured my streak would be 4 and I'd be done. My most promising season would come to an abrupt end.
But Matthew Stafford threw for over 400 yards, New Orleans defense played well, my coach won and I got TD's from 2 others. So by the time Sunday was over it was 103 to 96. And I still had a running back, Mathews (SD) and kicker, Scobee (JAC) left and my opponent just had his kicker, Novak (SD). My bench kicker Folk from the Jets, yes "my Jets" had 11 points so if I'd played the right guy I would be winning instead of losing. Still I knew if I could get a good day from a RB I could still win.
I had to sweat it out until garbage time when Mathews rumbled 21 yards into the end zone and was suddenly up 114 to 111. Yikes that is close. The rest of the game was just a bunch of three and outs so I was in. A big comeback for Team Mike.
If things could go right I may be able to replace my broken plasma TV with a new flat screen. I already have my eyes on a Sony 48 inch. But I should not get ahead of myself.
But Matthew Stafford threw for over 400 yards, New Orleans defense played well, my coach won and I got TD's from 2 others. So by the time Sunday was over it was 103 to 96. And I still had a running back, Mathews (SD) and kicker, Scobee (JAC) left and my opponent just had his kicker, Novak (SD). My bench kicker Folk from the Jets, yes "my Jets" had 11 points so if I'd played the right guy I would be winning instead of losing. Still I knew if I could get a good day from a RB I could still win.
I had to sweat it out until garbage time when Mathews rumbled 21 yards into the end zone and was suddenly up 114 to 111. Yikes that is close. The rest of the game was just a bunch of three and outs so I was in. A big comeback for Team Mike.
If things could go right I may be able to replace my broken plasma TV with a new flat screen. I already have my eyes on a Sony 48 inch. But I should not get ahead of myself.
Monday, December 5, 2011
A real creepy guy.
So while I SLEPT with Carolyn there is still not much passion or intimacy. Friday night we enjoyed a fun time of live music and dancing. It ended really late and while in the car Carolyn suggested that I could stay over rather than drive home. In her bed. I was so tired I literally fell asleep within seconds. There was no sex.
I am starting to wonder if she just can't get close to anyone. There are so many factors that she hides behind. Yesterday I got a full dose of how much she lives in fear.
It was a nice day yesterday for NY in December. I came over to help with the Christmas lights. There were only 2 strands so it didn't take long. So we decided to grab a bottle of wine and headed to the beach to go for a walk along the sand. We know of a nice secluded spot that has a pond and a nice view. We were enjoying a peaceful quiet moment when off in the distance we saw a man walking a dog. When he was within 100 yards of us Carolyn recognized him as one of her creepiest neighbors. She was pretty much freaking out.
I figured he would say hello and keep on walking. I should have reacted better as he just latched on to us. Next thing I know we are talking to him and it's starting to get dark and I realized he is not just creepy, but really gay. It was something he said about having no boyfriend. We head back to the car and he is with us talking a blue streak the whole way. In her own quiet way Carolyn is terrified. She told me later she wouldn't have been surprised if her was carrying a gun or a knife. She was sure he followed us from her street. I tried to reassure her that wasn't possible since we drove the car and he walked and there could be no way he knew where we were going since we only decided seconds before we left. But she was convinced.
Carolyn told me this guy has a history of stalking her and her kids, but she had no idea he was gay. I picked up on it immediately. Carolyn is so fearful she assumed everyone is being paid by her ex to do her harm. She even thinks he wants to pay someone to murder her. While I do believe she is over-reacting, I also believe there is some validity to what she says.
So we walked back and once inside the car she told me how afraid she was. We were so alone and anything could have gone down. My reality is much different than hers. I didn't like that this stranger just horned himself into our moment.
These are the things that make me want to maintain some distance for Carolyn. It's very hard to tell what is real and what is paranoia. I can protect her but I'm not sure I want that long term. The idea of spending each night looking in the closet or under the bed for an assassin is not how I'd like to live. I also realize she probably won't ever feel safe.
I guess I'll keep going slow and not hope for much. One of the things I know from all my prior relationships is love usually blooms quickly and this is not happening. But still I have enjoyed her company and I still would like something more. I will need to keep my options open.
I am starting to wonder if she just can't get close to anyone. There are so many factors that she hides behind. Yesterday I got a full dose of how much she lives in fear.
It was a nice day yesterday for NY in December. I came over to help with the Christmas lights. There were only 2 strands so it didn't take long. So we decided to grab a bottle of wine and headed to the beach to go for a walk along the sand. We know of a nice secluded spot that has a pond and a nice view. We were enjoying a peaceful quiet moment when off in the distance we saw a man walking a dog. When he was within 100 yards of us Carolyn recognized him as one of her creepiest neighbors. She was pretty much freaking out.
I figured he would say hello and keep on walking. I should have reacted better as he just latched on to us. Next thing I know we are talking to him and it's starting to get dark and I realized he is not just creepy, but really gay. It was something he said about having no boyfriend. We head back to the car and he is with us talking a blue streak the whole way. In her own quiet way Carolyn is terrified. She told me later she wouldn't have been surprised if her was carrying a gun or a knife. She was sure he followed us from her street. I tried to reassure her that wasn't possible since we drove the car and he walked and there could be no way he knew where we were going since we only decided seconds before we left. But she was convinced.
Carolyn told me this guy has a history of stalking her and her kids, but she had no idea he was gay. I picked up on it immediately. Carolyn is so fearful she assumed everyone is being paid by her ex to do her harm. She even thinks he wants to pay someone to murder her. While I do believe she is over-reacting, I also believe there is some validity to what she says.
So we walked back and once inside the car she told me how afraid she was. We were so alone and anything could have gone down. My reality is much different than hers. I didn't like that this stranger just horned himself into our moment.
These are the things that make me want to maintain some distance for Carolyn. It's very hard to tell what is real and what is paranoia. I can protect her but I'm not sure I want that long term. The idea of spending each night looking in the closet or under the bed for an assassin is not how I'd like to live. I also realize she probably won't ever feel safe.
I guess I'll keep going slow and not hope for much. One of the things I know from all my prior relationships is love usually blooms quickly and this is not happening. But still I have enjoyed her company and I still would like something more. I will need to keep my options open.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Fooling around
Still no sex but I spent the night with Carolyn. When she suggested that we could share the bed I went for it. I was at her house and it was very late. There was a lot of wine involved so it wasn't a big night of passion but it was something. This morning we shared a nice breakfast and that was that. I'll probably need another 48 hours to process this and write about things properly.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Something's Gotta Give
My plans tonight are to take Carolyn out to hear some live music. It's really more her plan than mine and I'm not sure but I think I kind of invited myself to it. I'm being more assertive which is a good thing. We had a phone conversation last night that felt very strained. I haven't been able to put my finger on it yet but sometimes it seems like we speaking different languages. Usually I can read someone pretty well but with Carolyn I never know what to expect. She talks like her life is the black hole that will destroy me if I get sucked in. So we just keep tap dancing around things. Never touching. Never really connecting. But we spend lots of time together.
As I write this I have come to the realization that Carolyn has these walls up like no one I've ever met. She lets me in but only so far. It is as if she needs them. The enigma is that she is always dropping hints that we can do things but never wants to commit to anything more than 48 hours away. I think she is afraid of intimacy. Almost terrified. She will flirt like crazy but won't open her heart to anything substantial.
I really feel I want to make something happen tonight one way or another. I know I've probably said this more time than I can count.
As I write this I have come to the realization that Carolyn has these walls up like no one I've ever met. She lets me in but only so far. It is as if she needs them. The enigma is that she is always dropping hints that we can do things but never wants to commit to anything more than 48 hours away. I think she is afraid of intimacy. Almost terrified. She will flirt like crazy but won't open her heart to anything substantial.
I really feel I want to make something happen tonight one way or another. I know I've probably said this more time than I can count.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Weekend Angst
I've been counting the days until my 401k loan would be paid off. This morning I go into my online account and there it is. No more loan. It's been taken from active to history. So now I can apply for a new one and get some cash. I then started modelling a new loan. See what the payments would be if I took 24 months or 36 months. Should I go for 9k or 11k. Before I could even settle on what I want I noticed something new. Apparently now before applying for a new loan there is a 10 day waiting period. So now I start a new countdown. Looks like I am now waiting until Dec. 10th. This is really going to negatively impact my Christmas shopping. I can wait.
I am having a difficult time sleeping but I'm not sure what the cause is. It's probably everything. I didn't really speak to anyone last night. I was out getting a haircut until almost 9 PM. By the time I finished dinner it was close to 10. Maybe eating so late is my problem.
I have this urge to make plans this weekend but as yet I have not gotten anything done. No one ever commits to whatever I ask. I need to be careful because this is how I end up double booked. I know I had a conversation with Janet about decorating her house for Christmas this weekend. Was it Friday night or Saturday night? Carolyn mentioned going out to see music on Friday but I don't remember if she wanted me to go or not. What really makes it rough is I can't remember if she told me where it was. I have this vague memory of something in Bayshore. It's a long ride.
I hope my Janet thing is Saturday.
I am having a difficult time sleeping but I'm not sure what the cause is. It's probably everything. I didn't really speak to anyone last night. I was out getting a haircut until almost 9 PM. By the time I finished dinner it was close to 10. Maybe eating so late is my problem.
I have this urge to make plans this weekend but as yet I have not gotten anything done. No one ever commits to whatever I ask. I need to be careful because this is how I end up double booked. I know I had a conversation with Janet about decorating her house for Christmas this weekend. Was it Friday night or Saturday night? Carolyn mentioned going out to see music on Friday but I don't remember if she wanted me to go or not. What really makes it rough is I can't remember if she told me where it was. I have this vague memory of something in Bayshore. It's a long ride.
I hope my Janet thing is Saturday.
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