No Drama.

I guess I can expect a quiet week. All the drama queens are leaving me alone, which is what I want. I did get a call from an old friend. Marilyn I know from my scuba diving days. That's something I don't do anymore. It just got too expensive and isn't something you should do if money is tight. But it was good to hear from her and there is plans for the whole group to get together for a breakfast in a week or two. We chatted for more than half an hour. Marilyn is not a prospect as she it a little bit older than I am. She was very close to my departed friend Joe. They may have had an affair but Joe was smart enough to keep it a secret from me. It will be 5 years since he died this month. Wow ... seems like it just happened. We are also coming up on one year since dad died. February has never been my favorite month, but it's even less so now.
I also got a text message from Lisa although I was busy in the gym when she sent it so I don't know if she ever saw my reply. She just had a question about someone.
My time at the gym was tough. I did all the regular stuff I always do but at the end I felt light headed and thought I might pass out. This happened just as I was preparing to leave. I think I just may have been dehydrated even though I drank the usual amount of water. I hadn't eaten since lunch and was late because I was working in the city and needed to run an errand so by the time I finished it was almost 9 PM. Maybe 9 hours without food or water is too much. Or it could be the cold weather. After I got home and had dinner I felt better so I'm sure there nothing more to that. The mistake I made was drinking soda with dinner. I probably had 20 ounces of caffeine. When I went to bed I had difficulty falling asleep.
I also spoke to my brother yesterday. Barry want to play hookie from work and go skiing. I haven't gone skiing in a long time but I am considering going. Physically I can do it but my gear has been sitting in a closet so long I'm afraid for how it will go. I will get it out and see how it feels.
So it was a drama free Monday. Let's see how Tuesday goes.

Regrets but no apologies.

I'm going to try and dash this off before work starts. It was not my best weekend. I may have gone too far and trashed some friendships. It just seemed like I needed to say some things and since I didn't start the conversation I just went with it.
In order for this to make sense I need to back up a bit. Friday night I went out to the bar and even though Coleen said she was leaving early I had hoped she would be there. But I was there a little after 6 and she had just left. Oh well, I settled in for a night with friends and would not be out late so I could get to the gym early on Saturday. I had plans to see Lisa for coffee so I knew it would be an early night. Well, Janet rolled on a little after 9 and it was good to see her since I'd not seen or talked to her the weekend before. We made a plan to meet Roberta and have dinner Saturday. This was good since Coleen wasn't around I figured her to be a no-show for the weekend. She did mention how she missed me the last weekend but she had heard that I was out having fun with Coleen. I just let it go.
Saturday while at the gym Lisa texted me that she couldn't make it to Starbucks for coffee be we could do something later. I left a message that I'd be home all day. Or so I thought. At 12:30 I go a text. It was Coleen. We decided to meet for a drink... coffee but at the bar. Well... the coffee was gone and we switched to wine. She had just picked up the ashes from her dog. So she was crying a little about that and then she told me the story of how the box had the incorrect name on it and she wanted to be sure she really had the right dog. I tried to be supportive but I think she has a right to be upset. Probably the only thing about the process is the assurance you have about how they handled the remains of her beloved pet.
While in the middle of the story my phone rings and it's Lisa who was around the corner at my house. I told her where I was and she said she would be right there. She was there in 5 minutes. It was a very surreal moment. The 2 girls that I've spent the last 10 plus years obsessing over were sitting with me in an empty bar having drinks. Lisa recently got engaged so she showed us the ring. Coleen thinks very little of her choice of men which I find so ironic.
Fantasy: both Coleen and Lisa fighting over me. Reality: they both would prefer the other one get me. Once more I am left somewhat cold and alone.
Anyway Coleen didn't stay very long and said she had plans to see Tommy for dinner so I knew I was free to go out with Janet later. She did say I should call but I didn't. That left me and Lisa to hang out a while. She needed to go see her dad later so we just got a little caught up on things and I went home.
I only had about an hour before meeting up with the other 2 girls. I was picking them up in town and we would all go to the restaurant in my car. The plan was to go to a bar in town after so they had their cars there. Dinner was basic. No real drama occurred until after dinner when Roberta started in about my spending time Coleen the week before and not calling Janet. She was asking why I waste me time with someone who has not real interest in me. I had to admit that she was right but I also said it is what it is and I'm fine with it. It's not what I want but I still like her. Then she said somethings about her that just got my blood to boil ... calling her trailer park trash and how she has been with half of the town. She was all about how I never called Janet the week before. It then occurred to me that they had been talking about me. So I decided to turn the table a little bit. I said it's not like they have dates and are trying to find significant others. I was getting so upset I am having trouble remembering exactly what I said but somehow I mentioned that I knew about Janet and Bunky's little thing and Roberta's little secret booty calls and who are they to judge me.
Yes, I struggle and yes, I make some questionable decisions but don't come out to dinner with me once a month and pretend you are there for me more so then the people I have been hanging out with. That is was I wanted to say but I'm pretty just it came out different.
And I wasn't done either .... we did calm down enough to finish our drinks and Janet was probably not in the best shape to drive. Roberta asked me to check on how she does getting home. I said I would even though I really just wanted to go home and cry a little. I was upset but I didn't want them to know. So I drove toward her house and parked and saw her go in her driveway. Roberta drove by first and said thanks and I decided I needed one last word so I followed Roberta home and told Roberta how much I like Janet and I would love to be her guy but I know her feelings for me are not there. She said she doesn't know how Janet feels... I said she didn't have any trouble letting Bunky know and with that I left.
Was awake most of the night after that. I sat at home alone most of the day regretting the whole thing but also not willing to apologize for anything. I'm pretty sure I've trashed our friendship. I may just sit at home for the month of February and let everything stew.
It's been a while since I've gotten a comment. Any feedback would be appreciated.

I'm in a cold dark place

Somewhere under that snow is a car. My car. I'll bet you can't even tell what kind of car that is. It was a job getting all the snow off of it. But it's done now.

I had dinner with Maryliz, Kenny and their friend Jack last night. I made a big tray of ziti and brought it over and everyone enjoyed it. Maryliz told me Kenny gets his last treatment next week and then we will see if it was successful. Meanwhile he keeps losing weight so it will be good if he can gain back some of the pounds he's lost. I was planning to cook again next week but my sister told me it would be better if I didn't but that I should plan things for later in the year.

While I was at my sister's house I received a text on the cell from Coleen. We couldn't say too much but her last message was that she is still very sad over the loss of Samson, her dog. I can understand ... it's just been a week today. I wanted to say some more but felt I needed to pay attention to the people I was with.

It is also my mom's birthday today. I gave her a call. She is 75. She celebrated yesterday by going sky diving of all things. She said she will send a picture but I don't know if she has mastered the are of attaching pictures to email.

I was thinking about Lisa a lot yesterday. I knew she is dealing with the death of her fiance's mother. Seems there will be no funeral or wake. Maybe just a memorial sometime in the spring. I guess it's handled.

When I got home from dinner it wasn't very late so I called Janet so I could just tell her about the death. We hadn't really spoken in a while and I got a feeling she is not so pleased with me lately. I guess I'm spending too much time around Coleen and I am getting this somewhat disapproving tone. She needs to either step up or step off. Still I said I'd see her tonight. And I am going to try to do that. There is just one thing though. I really want to see Coleen. Why do I feel so addicted to her? I have this ominous feeling that something different is about to happen. It was something Jimmy said. I know Coleen talks to Jimmy as much as I do and maybe even more. He pulled me aside the other day and said she is looking at me different than I think. I just keep going back to when she decided she needed to go to Dean's house. And Dean doesn't even really like her. I don't want to go through that again. I have this feeling that's coming. I hate these feelings.

Snow Day

We got a little snow last night. The predicted 3 to 5 inches turned into more than a foot. So there is not going to work today.

This is the picture from the front of my house. The trains are running but I can't figure out if they are on any kind of schedule. Lucky me. I get to work from home. I signed on at 8 AM and see most everyone is out of the office today. I have my phone working and email is up so I am on the case.

Not sure what the rest of my day will be. I am scheduled for dinner with my sister's family... a dinner I prepared. Last night I put together my homemade sauce with my ziti and put it into a pan ready to go into the oven. Since I was scheduled to be working in the office I needed my sister to pick it up so it could go into the oven and be ready by a reasonable time. She forgot to stop by so it is in my refrigerator and now since I am home I can get there and start it so in that way the snow is working out well for me.

Yesterday while at work I was shocked to get a call to my cell from Coleen. It was her work number and not her cell. I was about to start a meeting so I picked up and told her I would call her right back. I called after the meeting and was glad to talk to her so I could say thank you for the dinner the night before. The first thing she said was that her phone had fallen into the sink and gotten wet. So it would be off until she was sure it was dry. I sent her a text later at night and it seems the phone is fine.

So I wanted to ask her things but she replied with just a "good night" which means she didn't really want to talk. She was supposed to see Tommy so I suspect she spent her evening with him. I know I should get myself thinking that way but maybe it's better if I do so I won't get give myself hopes.

So today I will let things kind of just be. No messages or calls and if I hear from anyone they can sent me something.

Lisa called me last night too. She told me her boyfriend's mom died. She says this to me in a whisper, like she is afraid someone will hear. As expected Carmine is upset, but not for reasons you might expect. I guess I should give some background.

Carmine's mom suffered from dementia and was put into a hospital about 18 months ago. There were times she needed to be restrained. To protect the family home Carmine and Lisa lived there. Carmine has some sisters who live out of state so he was really the only option. He would visit his mom maybe once a month.

Since she was being taken care of I guess they just trusted the facility and when a call came saying the mom was taken to the Emergency Room they didn't seem to know too many details.

So here is the kicker ... seems she died last Saturday and no one called until some point Wednesday and that was a voice message buy someone at the hospital asking if that can arrange for body pick-up. Yeah ... and have a nice day. They really said that.

So Carmine was sitting in his office trying to understand what happened and not really talking to Lisa. The sisters said they would not attend any services until spring because they can't be expected to travel in winter. I just listened and told her if there's anything she needs I would be there.

After she hung up I wanted to call someone but just couldn't think who really would want to listen. I considered Janet of Roberta, but they have been so distant this week I decided not to bother. I'll tell them at some point today. I wonder if they tried to get into work.

Dinner story.

Dinner at Coleen's house was fun. Her parents, especially her mom, were more friendly than I'd ever seen them. Her mom is on medication for depression, but there was no hint of it at all. She was asking me about my job, and telling me stories about how she grew up.
There were some emotional moments as Coleen is still feeling sad that her dog had to be put to sleep only last Friday. But I enjoyed myself. Things worked out really well. We met at the bar first and I pulled up just as she did so we went in together. We thought we would be in and out but we actually stayed more than an hour. I was feeling really special. I know not to put too much into things but it felt like I was getting a lot of attention and I went with it.
By the time dinner was finished and the dishes were washed it was already close to 9 pm so I didn't really have any after dinner things. Coleen smokes so we stood outside for a but as she finished her cigarette and with that I said goodnight.
I was home by about 9:30 and I had a pot of tomato sauce cooking on the stove. I'll need to explain about that later. It wasn't long before I went to sleep. This morning I felt I needed to follow up with something so I called her office phone and left her a voicemail thanking her for a great dinner.

Dinner plans

I went to the gym last night and did a real good workout. Then I was driving by the bar and even though I had no money, no credit cards, and even left my cell phone home I stopped in. Coleen was there, so was Jimmy. I had left my favorite pair of gloves in Coleen's car so I went in expecting to just get those and head home. Then Jimmy bought me a beer, Coleen bought dinner and gave me half and the next I knew I'd had 3 beers and eaten what for me was a full dinner.
There is a new girl working at the bar, her name is Diana and it seems she has caught Jimmy's eye. I saw what she looked like and she is cute in a Jennifer Love-Hewitt kind of way. Jimmy thinks she might be a little young since he just turned 41. She looked like she is closer to over 30 than under 30 and I told him that. I told him if he doesn't make something happen that would leave that door open for me. I was mostly kidding. Somehow we segued into how he doesn't have any thoughts of Coleen anymore and I should make a move. I just said no, I don't think so. Don't even know why I said it except I knew she was somewhere in the room and I still know she is more into whatever guy is texting her than me. I just seem like I need to protect myself. From what isn't clear to me. But I know people talk amongst themselves. I wanted to explain how if I ever got what I wanted from her I would probably have all kinds of trust issues since I know about half the time she tells me what she's doing or where she's been I think she is either leaving out things or even just flat out lying. I never really said that since she was suddenly right next to me. So I left it hanging out there. Still I look at the picture from the prior post and think "why not me?"
Tonight Coleen is cooking me dinner at her house which I am looking forward to more that I know I should. I'm already trying to figure out what to wear and what to bring. Her parents will be there, because they are always there, so there will be no real chance for anything different happening. I know if Coleen was really thinking about that she would be all about coming to my house. At least I'll know how she spent her evening.
Tomorrow I'll be posting the results of my evening. The best I can hope for is that we make a plan for the weekend but most likely I'll be home by 9 pm with no real change.

Just me being myself.

I know the road I am on leads to no where but I still go. I found myself with Coleen all weekend. You see, she had to put her dog to sleep on Friday. I spoke to her Thursday night and she knew it was going to happen the next day. She did not struggle with the decision but was real emotional. She had her dog for over 14 years and they had been through a lot of life together. She got Samson while she was married and lived out of state. When she divorced she took the dog to live with her and her parents. The dog became very attached to her dad and he to the dog. So they are grieving.
I spent a lot of time talking to her and I guess it's a skill I have. She seems to want me around as she struggles with her sadness. Unfortunately she probably won't feel that way when she is over things. But she asked me to go to dinner with her Saturday and Sunday we went to the mall and then watched the football playoffs together. Then I was invited to her house. Her dad didn't want to see anyone but he said I was okay. Then she said she wants to cook dinner for me on Tuesday. Of course I said yes.
Meanwhile I had Chris trying to see the game with me but Coleen wanted no one else around. And I never did hear from Janet all weekend. First time that's happened in a while. Not really sure how she is feeling but I also wasn't really caring.
This is probably not the right thing as I know Coleen is more into Tommy now than me and she won't ever see me that way. But I can't seem to help myself. I do love just being there. I'm so weak. I wonder if this happens to anyone else or is it just me.