Bad time today.

I've been in a training course so I've been unable to do regular posting. Once again I have a life like a rollercoaster ride. While I've been enjoying the Jets run through the playoffs, I got a phone call that my brother-in-law is in the hospital. He is getting treatment for cancer. What I had expected to be a simple process is actually proving to be much more difficult... at least for him. I haven't gone to see my sister's family as much as I should so I will need to be more diligent about getting over there. My mom has been calling me and telling me I need to be more involved.

More about this soon.

Serendipity never works

Made it into the office today. My entire day was spent indoors. Only time I poked my head out was to grab the paper from the front step. No one called so I spoke to no one outside of 2 conversations I have with co-workers. I did manage to update my cell phone plan. I increased my text message limit from 300 to 1000 per month. I'll never come up to that but at least I can text away now without fear. Probably never next anymore. It does seem like I text more now than actually call anyone ... and my conversations never have a point while my text messages seem to make me feel connected.

I never did hear from Tracy. I guess I need to either try again or just give it up. I do need to give myself some kind of hope some where. I found this picture from 5 years ago. This is a girl I met only once. Her name is Heather and somehow I thought I would find her again. Maybe serendipity but it never happened. I remember she seemed to like me but that night I was more interested in what Janet was doing. I wish I could get a do-over.

I have very little planned for the upcoming weekend and don't expect to have anything exciting to report. Probably means I'll blog more since it always seems that if I live more I blog less and vice-versa.

Snow Day

Another foot of snow fell overnight. So I get to work from home today. I don't need to go anywhere so I've been on this pc all day. Had we not had snow there was no way I could have gone to work. Last night I stopped down at the bar for what I hoped would be a short visit. I ended up staying late and never had dinner. I got home at about 10:30 and was asleep in minutes.
I did have fun playing pool and hanging out. I thought I'd see Coleen and she had been there but left prior to my arrival. She was with the new guy Tommy. I sent her a text anyway. She responded but only said "nite". I guess she was busy. I'll try not to think about it. She had been randomly texting me since the weekend but now she is distant again.
I did try to call Tracy and left her a message. She never returned the call so I guess I was too slow with her. It's just as well as she not the most ideal choice for me.
I'm planning on buying a new laptop soon so I can stop using the work one. Thinking about making the purchase this weekend.
Wow, this might be my most boring entry yet. I guess not much is happening. That comes with winter. Or maybe it's the calm before the storm.

How I bounce

I have crazy laptop issues. I have a new work laptop and still have the old one so I have been transitioning between the 2 since about Christmas. They really want the old one back but I've been hesitating on it mostly because I'm not sure if I have all the documents and pictures copied. Then I have been trying to write the files onto my external drive that only seems to work with the new laptop and only when I am off line. I will probably need to have it done by the end of the week. I will probably lose some things but I think most everything that is important I'll manage to copy somehow.
The rest of my life is also in various states of confusion. I am stressing out at work over things changing and not able to keep ahead of things. I can't seem to get anything to complete. A project that I'd been doing for more than a year is being pushed back again and it's pretty much my fault since I haven't been able to fix all the problems. I can only seem to focus on it for a day or two and then I get pulled in another direction and it's usually not a work related issue that pulls me away.
My weekend went by way too fast. I had dinner with Coleen both Saturday and Sunday. On Saturday she asked if I'd like to have Chinese food with her at home - her parents were there too, so it wasn't like a special dinner. She had her dog at the vet all week and wanted to keep a close eye on him so I changed my plan at the last minute and went. I had planned to eat with Chris and watch the Jets playoff game. So she invited him as well. He was his usual quirky self. Then she asked me again Sunday and told me to leave Chris out of it ... which I wanted to do anyway.
I wish I could say how terrible it was so I could just give up and find something else, but it was actually nice. Probably my best moment came when Dean saw us leave together, although not to do what they do, but he doesn't know that.
The only down moment came when Janet sent me a text telling me where she was and I said maybe I'd come up. When I never did I heard she came looking for me but I'd already left with Coleen. She never did talk to me after that so I'm probably in her doghouse but since there is no romance there I'm just blowing it off. Last time she did that when I got there she was totally flirting with someone else and you know, she gets what she deserves.
I guess this entry is a little all over the place but then that's just a reflection of how my life is right now. Things just keep bouncing around for me.
No plans are being made and no one is going to change for me but I am still out there flailing away. I still do what I shouldn't but I make the best of it. I wish I could lead with my head instead of my heart. Maybe next time.

New year - old crap

Here is a picture for New Years Eve. The funny hats were on for just a moment.
The new year is only 5 days old and I'm already feeling disgusted. I start the year fresh and optimistic and after just 2 days at work I'm already feeling trapped like in the movie Groundhog Day. Just starting the year and I am already weeks behind.
Last weekend I got a text message from Coleen that her dog was sick with some kind of gastric distress. As I hadn't seen or heard from her since I decided to see how the dog was. He's a 12 year old dog so I wasn't sure what to expect. She said the dog is not doing well and has been with the vet since Monday. She was at the bar so I thought it would be a good idea to head out and see her. When I got there I saw an empty seat next to her.
Even though she has other friends there she was pretty much giving me all her attention... something that hasn't happened in a while. She is having a tough time as it may be that she will have to put the dog to sleep soon. She said she felt like she had failed and was a bad mom to the dog. I know that feeling from when my cat needed to be put to sleep 3 years ago.
It may have made her feel better as the next thing we were talking about was how she wants to come to my house to see the Jets playoff game and cook dinner. I decided to make a party out of it and maybe have 6 people over. With that plan made she headed home.

Women who would rather be alone than date me

I'm struggling a bit at work so I need to keep things short. But I would love to bring things up to date as far as how my New Years Eve went. The plan was to go to what was supposed to be a movie event that was really just a movie with some food prior to. There were mostly older people and couples. No real chance for me to strike up a conversation with anyone new. While that was disappointing I must say the movie Black Swan was fairly good. I wish I could get myself tickets to a real ballet ... I had wanted to see the Nutcracker before Christmas but no one shared my interest and going alone had little appeal for me. Maybe I should have gone alone anyway.
So before the movie I got a text message ... and not from anyone who I would have expected. It was Tracy. I had seen Tracy online earlier and had a short IM with her. I guess I got her thinking about me as she wanted to wish me Happy New Year. As much as I enjoy Tracy's company I can only handle her for a short time. There is something about her that reminds me a little of my ex-wife. She whines a lot. Still it was validating to have someone text me. Chris was asking why aren't I seeing her. When I told him I couldn't seem to get into her he was all about getting me to fix them up. That could be an interesting idea. We will see.
So we saw the movie and the plan was to stay afterwards for what was called a champagne toast. But when I noticed that the champagne was really sparkling cider I asked Chris if he wouldn't prefer to head back and have a real toast at a place near home. I had hoped to see someone, anyone, that I knew but the place we went didn't seem to have anyone there. So at midnight I sent a text to Janet and no one else except my sister-in-law sent me anything. I was home in bed by 12:30. Alone. Just like all the New Years for the last 20 years.
I needed to get up early to see my mom off to the airport so it was just as well. My night's sleep was interrupted by a text message at 2:30 A.M. WTF!? I read the message "Happy New Year" but without my glasses I couldn't see who sent it. Figured it was Janet and went back to bed.
When I awoke I put glasses on and realized the text was from Coleen. Now Chris has noticed the car of her new guy Tommy at the bar down the street of where we went so I at first thought she had been there and maybe had actually been out until then. But then I noticed the time stamp said 9:30 p.m. and realized her message must have taken 5 hours to be sent to me. Her cell is really messed up and this has happened before. Turns out she sent the message just before turning in for the night ... at home. She never goes out for New Years and I guess she didn't see Tommy. Or Chris was wrong and that wasn't his car.
So I'm up before 6 a.m. and at my sister's by 7 to say bye to mom as she gets ready to go to the airport and back to Florida. Then I am home and throughout the morning all the people I wish I had partied with on NY Eve sent me messages. Seemed that no one had gone anywhere except for me. Janet, Jami, Roberta, Lisa and Coleen had all stayed home. No one has a guy and there are me and Chris lamenting on our dateless New Year. It really is a screwed up place I am at. More and more I realize how I'll need to find something farther away.

Welcome 2011

It is the start of another year. It's not exactly off to a great start. Lisa got engaged. I want to be happy for her and I think I am but I'm also a little sad. There was always a part of me that thought we could have been more than friends. I feel as though I let that go a while back. The closeness we once had been reduced to almost nothing. Like all the girls I have been friends with before that I also had a crush on I saw this coming for a while. No real heartbreak. I'd long ago given up a future with Lisa.