Yesterday

I took yesterday off from the blog world. No mike-isms for one day. It was easy since absolutely nothing happened. Just work and home. Spent last evening with Janet and Roberta trying on the Halloween costumes we want to wear for the weekend. We sat and talked for a little while. One of the subjects was about the girl I took to dinner while I was in Florida. They was mostly curious to know when I might see her again or call. But I'm really not that interested. They got all the info about me but somehow I never thought to ask them about what their last date was ... since they never talk about it. Why is my life such an open book and I never get anybody else's stuff. Roberta and Janet were both talking about how they are only interested in younger men but they think they shouldn't be considered "cougars". Which made me sad on several levels. Sad for them because they will never find someone who really loves them. Sad for me because what's left for me if all the women are like this. We also talked about how I can't look at meeting anyone as long as I go out with these women.

Monday stuff and party plans

My day yesterday didn't amount to much. I have email conversations with most of my friends in the morning which is typical. I didn't see Janet or Roberta all weekend so we just got caught up. We all have our Halloween costumes so we will go out over the weekend. Still not sure if we will be out Friday but Saturday looks like it's planned. I'm hoping I can have a little fun although I am disappointed to hear Lisa say she was not interested in joining us. It's usually the one time we get to dance.
Yesterday I was thinking I had heard the last from Coleen, but again I was wrong. I got a text from her while I was having lunch. She had the day off for a medical appointment. The appointment was cancelled so naturally she had to tell me. Like the pathetically co-dependent loser I am I actually responded. She was home with nothing to do and I was bored at work so I picked up the phone and spoke to her. I found myself hoping to see her but I wasn't going to ask. When she mentioned something about seeing her girlfriend Jami I thought the best thing would be to let it go. Besides I had some errands to do. I suspect her plans were a lie anyway. When it comes to plans she will only commit to me when all other options appear to be eliminated.
I'm planning a party to christen my new home. I'm there almost 5 months so it's about time. I need to formulate a guest list. I want the number to be small but I don't want to exclude anyone who I call friend. I don't know if Coleen qualifies. Right now I'm considering not telling her but I'm sure it's not something I can do without her knowing. She calls me more than anyone else so I'm sure she would like to be there. I think. It's a problem I'll need to address soon. No one seems to like her much so I don't think she would be missed by anyone except me. I don't know what I want. Maybe it will sort itself out over the next 10 days or so.

The bed I've made.

I has a fairly busy weekend so the computer stayed off. So once again the fact that there were no new entries from me is a good thing. Not blogging means I'm living life while when I blog more I am mostly unsatisfied and want to bitch about it. I am still glad to have this as I find myself looking at old posts and trying to figure out exactly how I've gotten here.
Friday night I enjoyed a nice dinner with some married friends, Mariana and John, that I've know for a very long time. They just told me that they are expecting twins. Mariana had a lot of trouble with some prior events and I had thought they were not going to have children. But when she told me I gave her a big hug and shook John's hand.
I needed to get up early on Saturday so it was not a late night but I still didn't make it home about midnight. In the morning I headed over to my brother Barry's house and we did some winterizing to his boat and then went to a Power Boat Club BBQ. It is an all male event that takes place every October and I've been attending off and on for almost 20 years. It was okay but I have no spouse to get away from so it's not really the big event for me that it is for others.
I did get a call from Coleen while I was there. I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to her so at first I let it go to voice mail. But then I felt guilty and called her back. Why I can't just give her the boot once and for all I just don't know. She keeps reaching out to me and there is some stupid emotion in me that wants that. When I said I was busy all day she said I should call her the next day.
Sunday morning I was up early. My goal was to do a good workout in the gym with Lisa. But Lisa didn't show up until I was just about to finish. But we did go out for coffee afterwards so it was nice to relax and talk. I talk to her about my friends and she is very good about listening and giving me her perspective.
Then I got home and made the call to Coleen like I said I would. I considered blowing her off but again there is something that won't let me. I still hadn't seen her since that night she had gone home with Dean ... or rather went to his house after a booty call and then I had to stalk her to find out. Ugh ... I need to remind myself just how toxic this is. But our conversation was short as she was out with her aunt and I felt I had done my obligation. I called like I said I would. I don't recall how I left it.
The afternoon was warm and I went down to the boat and at the last minute I decided I was going to take a short sail. I called my sister who wouldn't go, then tried Chris who also was busy. I considered calling Coleen but I just knew that would be a mistake. So I went out alone and enjoyed that as much as I could. The little voice in my head says I should do more of that.
When I returned back to the dock there was still time before dinner so I went to the bar ... probably because I knew Coleen would be there and of course she was. There were others there too. Coleen was a little upset that I didn't consider her to go out on the boat. I think she was even a little mad. She really didn't say 2 words to me and even left without even a good bye. I guess I made that bed and now I'll have to lie in it. It will still be hard to do. I will keep busy and just not dwell on it any more. Good luck with that.

Happy Wednesday

I still feel this compulsion to write in the almost daily. It's probably not a good thing but I need the release. I've also been finding myself spending more time looking at facebook. I don't want to but I feel so disconnected lately I want to have some kind of contact so I know there are other possibilities. Right now my prospects have dried up and everyday I hope for something new that could begin and give me some optimism. On that note....
I saw the facebook of a girl I once had a thing with and sent her a friend request. It was more than 15 years since we last spoke so I'm not even sure why I did it. While she was nice to me ... slept with me on the first day we met ... I never ever felt like I was in love with her. She was in my town on vacation so things between us moved at an accelerated rate. After she went home ... more than 1000 miles away... I went and visited her once and we stayed connected through phone calls for over half a year. But I didn't like the long distance and she was talking about moving here so I broke it off. Another friend tells me she is still very much single. My feeling about her haven't really changed but I'm so desperate I really don't know what I'm doing. The last thing I need to do is fall back into a thing that has no possibility of working.
Last night I got out of the house to have dinner with my brother-in-law Ken. It was not exciting but I was glad to be anywhere but home wondering why the phone doesn't ring or why no one is sending me emails. Got home and didn't see anything so I spent the rest of the evening watching TV.

Radio station WWTF.

I made it back into the gym last night. It was good to finally go back and get some of that nervous energy out of my system. While I run I get to think a lot about my life and what I need to do. It's not always good thoughts but it does drive me.
During the day yesterday I was feeling even more lost than usual. I wanted contact with someone and my email inbox was even more quiet than usual. So I struggled through the day as best I could until finally I could leave the house and go somewhere. Then I did my workout without talking to anyone as Lisa was not feeling up to it and failed to meet me. I had to fight the urge to go into the bar afterwards. But I went home and made some dinner.
While eating dinner at about 7 my cell phone rang. It was Coleen. She called from home. She wanted me to help her dad with their new DVR that they had just gotten. That was that. You know it occurs to me that she may not even feel like I have been evading her. I never said anything to her or anyone else how hurt and rejected I am. It was after all, my hopes and dreams that died when she went home with Dean. To her I'm just one friend among many and as interchangeable as a station on the radio.
So after I explained to her dad how the DVR works she got back on the phone to tell me how she has been suffering with a cold and then her cell got a text message and she needed to go. Yeah, that's fine. I'm sure those are much more important than me anyway. Her last words were she would call back later but never happened.
So I spent the rest of the night watching TV and pretending not to care. It must be working a little since I did sleep okay. 2 weeks ago that wouldn't have been the case. Still, I need to find something better than the tv to occupy my attention. Tonight I made plans to have dinner with my brother-in-law Kenny.

Trapped in my Box.

Spent last night home alone watching Tv. After spending the day working from home I was really itching for some company but since it was just a Monday there really were no options. I was having trouble losing myself in anything on TV. No show was capturing my attention.
I need to find something better. Tonight I will go to the gym. I miss it. While on vacation I wasn't doing much. Some hard work should make me less edgy. I hope.
My only real conversation was a call I made to Lisa as she was driving home. She has a health insurance issue that I tried to help her with. She seems to talk to me less and less. I guess that is the inevitable result of her wanting to move ahead with her boyfriend. We hadn't been as close as we once were. I have been spending time with my other friends so I think I expect too much. I'm just more needy that I was a few months ago. I'll have to get over it.
I made the mistake of reaching out to someone I used to know years ago via FaceBook. Shannon and I had quite a falling out and I pushed her away to regain my sanity. I'm pretty sure she has a bipolar disorder. She could be the nicest person when she is happy but then mean and nasty over the smallest thing. She is also gay. Years ago I seduced one of her friends who was visiting and we had a relationship that lasted almost a year. She lives over 1000 miles away so it was never anything big. Shannon mentioned her yesterday and told me she was still single and had lost weight. She thinks we should get in touch. Ugh. What we had was so long ago. And she is still too far away. Besides, I need something new, not to backslide into something I know is doomed from the start. The only way that will happen is if I get out of my box.

Poker Face

I have returned from Florida. It feels good to be home although I will miss the beach. It will be some time before I can have sand and water under my feet again.
I had a really early flight yesterday. Up at 5 to make a 7 AM plane and was back in NY by 9:30. I took the train to Mineola where Lisa picked me up. She took me home and we chatted briefly then she headed home. I thought I would see her later at the Oysterfest event that we had all planned to go to. I sent her several text messages that went unanswered. So I have a feeling she never went.
I did meet Janet and Roberta there and we enjoyed the day walking around and listening to music. We took the train so we didn't need to worry about traffic or parking. It was fun but I spent a lot of energy looking for people who I never saw. I wanted to carry my vacation confidence as far as I could. But no opportunity presented itself so I'm feeling a little sad today.
The brief phone call from Coleen on Friday was all I heard from her even though she said she would reach out to me. I have mixed feelings because I still feel like I want to say a few things but I will not make that call. It's probably better that she doesn't call. I am fairly sure there was a discussion among Janet, Roberta and Jami but no one has said anything directly to me. I think Roberta did hint at it though. I have taken the attitude of playing a hand of poker and not show my cards to anyone. They will be played when I choose.

Stupid Mike

Relaxing with the dog in Florida at my mom's. Did a full day on the beach so all that sun has me worn out. Finished dinner by 6. Not knowing anyone here I figured I'd just stay home.

When my cell phone rang I was a little off guard and feeling like I wish I had company. I expected a call from mom to see how things were but then I look at caller ID and saw the name .... Coleen. Wanting to talk to someone I picked up. Gone was all the emotion of the last 3 weeks. I just said "Hello". We spoke for less than 5 minutes. She has a cold. She was curious as to whether I was home yet. At least she remembered I was away. Still ... why can't I say what I really want to say? After a few minutes she said she might call later ... so I said I wasn't going anywhere. And that was that.

After hanging up I sat there unable to focus on anything. Should've said this and should've said that. Didn't. Won't. "C'ya Sunday". I'm such a coward. wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.

I knew she would pick the moment I was feeling weakest. When no one else was there for me to talk to. I still have no one to talk to. Again I have to just suck it down except for this.

Well... at least I had a good day at the beach. Sunny day and the dog is exhausted. So am I too.

My Date

I guess it was a date. I went to meet Yvonne for dinner last night. She is a little over 40. Okay ... for starters she isn't that great to look at. She lives here is Florida and I knew it wasn't going to turn into anything special. But I really had a great time. She is really very nice. Funny and very up beat. I think she was really trying to impress me since she was a little overdressed. Considering we were only having dinner in a sports bar it surprised me. She said she really only has work clothes and nice clothes. Very casual was fine with me.
So we talked a lot. It felt good to sit with someone who seemed interested in what I had to say. By the end of dinner I didn't feel like I wanted to say goodnight. Then she asked if I like to smoke pot. Now I've done that before but not in such a long time and I just said no. It was that moment that I realized when the time came to end the night I needed to just call it over and just be sure I made a Florida friend and leave it at that. You know I considered taking her up on her offer but looking back I think I did the right thing. Remember she is someone my mom knows so I swore that that whole thing would not get back to mom.
But it was great to go out and have a date and I think I need to make that happen some more. Not sure what I'll try to do when I get home but I will for sure try something new that I haven't done before. I know Roberta and Janet were trying to talk me into going on a Speed Date Event. I more open to it now than I was before last night.

If not for the dog I'm alone.

I am going to the beach every day while I'm here. there isn't much else to do. Here is my beach buddy, Shadow the wonderdog. The dog loves it there. So I go and relax and read my book. I am feeling good as each day passes.
My mom's friend Yvonne showed up walking her dogs. She saw the car and made a special trip just to stop by and say hello. So I asked her to dinner and we have a plan to go Thursday. Remember I do not really find her very attractive but at this point I will not reject anything out of hand. And then before leaving I got a call from a repair place that my mom had taken her scooter to. So I asked Yvonne if she would be kind enough to give me a ride and she did. It was a nice thing to do but also a little validating for me. After facing my latest rejection it's a welcome relief to meet someone who at the very least is not dismissing me.
So I'm anxious to go to dinner and I almost want to call it a date just so that I can feel like I'm still date-able. Maybe when I get home I can start re-establishing myself to where I can find a woman who, if not willing to love, but is a least considering it. I want to stop wasting my time on the ones who consider me a non-option. I will need to think on that some more.
I did get a call from my brother Barry who just said hello. So carrying my cell phone has paid off a little.
I still haven't had anything from Coleen so I can really feel she is gone gone gone. What's also strange is none of the other friends from that circle haven't done anything. No texts or emails or calls since I spoke to Janet on Saturday. While that is unusual it's not unprecedented.
I'm probably paranoid but I wonder if Jami isn't at the root of this. Probably just everyone knowing I'm away and not thinking I'm available. We will see.

How is my Monday?

I made it to Monday. Normally I would hate Monday but I'm on vacation so it is a little different. So if I'm on vacation why am I working? Ugh. This sucks. I'm signed on running a test because I need to find out why one of my projects isn't working as designed. I can get to the beach at some point later but for now I'm doing what the boss asked me to do. The sun is out and it will be in the mid 80's later today so I will get to the beach today.
This picture is from Sunday while out at an outdoor bar. I saw Denise and her husband Rick there. It was last minute and I only was there for a short time. Most of my Sunday was taken up by laying at the beach. But Denise took this picture of me and it seems like a good one to share.
So today marks a full week of no text messages. I am sad even though I am the one who made it this way. I have to keep reminding myself that how it needs to be because the alternative only leads to more loneliness and frustration. I may never have my moment but I'm sure I have the support of friends who know and love me in their way. I need to appreciate myself even if it's only me who does.
My plans for the rest of the week are to watch the football game tonight, see some music on Wednesday, maybe go to Peps on Thursday. That leaves Tuesday open. My mom wants me to call Yvonne so I'll see if that can happen although I won't be terribly disappointed if it doesn't. I hate that I am counting the days until I go home.

One less saturday night.

Living it up in Florida. I took a break from the beach and had lunch with some former work friends I know from NY.

That's me and Denise and Joe. We all worked together more than 25 years ago. They have lived down here near my mom since leaving NY. I try to call when I'm here but it doesn't always happen. They are both married and they really don't know where I am coming from. I was getting dating tips from Joe of all people. I used to watch Joe struggle with women back in the day and now he is happy in his marriage and yesterday he was kind of lauding it all over me. Life just gets better and better.

Mom is now gone so it's just me and the dog for a week. Not many people here I know and since last night was Saturday I felt I had to get out. Tara, who is my 2nd cousin (daughter of my cousin), is 28 years old I think and recently married was going to an Oktoberfest event and she made the mistake of telling me about it. So I made my way there even though I had this uneasy feeling I was crashing her party. I just figured I would go and see what happens and while it seemed like everyone was having a good time I did seem to be alone. So I stayed an appropriate amount of time and headed home pretty early. I had considered going to the tiki bar but I knew that I wouldn't know a soul and all I would be able to do is creep people out if I tried to talk to anyone.

So last night was another tough night and I'm still having so much trouble sleeping. I was up at 7 and this isolated feeling is permeating my thoughts constantly. I was hoping Florida would cure my blues and while I am better and am a long way from feeling good.

I did call Janet yesterday. She was having a busy weekend although I don't know what she was planning for Saturday evening. She told me she spent part of her Friday night in the bar and saw Coleen. Can't seem to go a day without hearing that name. 6 day's without contact though. Maybe I'll never talk to her. I'm sure she is fine about it. I'm so much easier to replace.

Fear and loathing in Florida

It's Saturday morning and I just drove mom to the airport. She is on her way to NY and I am here alone in Florida taking care of the dog. I have some tentative plans later today so I'm not completely isolated.
Friday night my mom picked up her friend Yvonne and we went to an art exhibit. Yvonne is single and mom wondered if we could click but while she is nice I can't see it as a match. Right from the get go I sense she and I do not enjoy similar interests. She is a say at home and watch tv kind of person. We talked about getting together and I expect I will but not thinking it's for any more than company. You might think in my desperate state I should not be so quick to dismiss but she is a pretty big girl ... probably outweighing even me by 20 or so lbs. Still she isn't a bump on a log ... she was very talkative and for sure I'd like to have some company this week.
My cell phone was very quiet last night. I guess my not communicating with Coleen has finally convinced her to go away. It's been 5 days of no text messages. As time goes by I'm being more and more sure about myself. She was lucky to have me in her life and now that she doesn't it's not such a loss for me. I wish I hadn't let her in so far. I do feel tempted to call and have a talk just to see if I can close things off. But I told myself I would take this time away to re-evaluate things.
I'm a little disappointed that none of my other friends are checking in. I guess they all are doing their own thing and I will be reaching out to them at different points. With mom gone I am just having some alone time and it would be nice to hear from people back home so I am not completely isolated.

Greetings from Florida

I am now in Florida. My life is slowing down as it does when I am visiting my mom. I had a nice long talk with mom and without mentioning specifics I told her about how I am struggling with the single life. It felt good just unloading for a bit.
No more text messages ... that's 2 full days of quiet. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I don't know how I can talk to Coleen now. I'm not sure if she is upset or even know that I am upset. What do I expect will happen? Maybe I'll never have a real conversation and that will be the end of it.
My focus for the next week and a half will be pretty simple ... work on my tan and forget.

If you can't sleep do you still have dreams?

It was another night of struggling to get to sleep. Geez ... I remember how well I used to sleep. I need to get a lot done today so that I can get out of town tomorrow morning. I was up late last night trying to work and part of what I needed to do involved printing address labels. I realized way too late that I had none. So I was up and out the door to Staples at 7:45. They opened at 8 so I was the first customer and I was home by 8:15. It's 30 minutes later and I am about done. Real work starts at 9 so I need to dash this off in 10 minutes.
On the way to Staples at the intersection who do I see coming the other way but Coleen. And she saw me even before I saw her. I think she waved. I waved back. I'm sure she forgot that I'm leaving town tomorrow. I wonder if last night's invite for dinner was the last straw. I hope I can begin to forget while I'm away. A distraction would be nice.
I went to my sister's, my cousin's and Lisa's last night. I had things to drop off or pick up. I made Lisa my last stop in hopes that we could just sit and talk. But she seemed to not want company. Our relationship has become so different. I once could talk things out with her but now she seems to want to distance herself. I guess she confides with Carmine or her sister now.
It's been 10 days since my meltdown and it still hurts. I feel so broken. I know time is the only cure. Holding all this in is really hard. I still have no idea how to fix myself. Funny, I thought I was in a better place. How can I feel this way at this stage of my life... I thought as I got older things would settle in and I would feel more at home with myself. I feel more alone and isolated than ever.

Quick update

I got a new text at 5:30 from Coleen. She wanted to go for dinner with me. I said I was too busy which is partially true. I was out running errands getting my things together for my trip. Her response was "Ok nevermind". I don't know. It feels awful just freezing her out of my life but I'm not wanting to have a conversation about it. Certainly not having dinner as I have no appetite anyway. She doesn't love me so it's hurting me more but I'm just so tired of being fake.

Change of pace

I wish I had a new story with a great ending but my life just never seems to go that way. I am trying though. Yesterday was all about the Sea Cliff Mini Mart. I did the usual walk through the whole event seeing some people I know and some people who knew me who I didn't remember. It's always that way.

I wanted to try to do something different so I spent most of the day trying to talk to different people. I tagged my friend Chris to be my wing man. I was supposed to go to dinner with Roberta and Janet but I had to tell them to go without me so I could continue to chase any women who would talk to me.

So I got myself invited to my friend Nancy's house for a little after party. Nothing really happened except we played darts and I drank too much. At least I didn't drive. It was Nancy, her friend Karen, and 2 other guys they knew that were younger than me. There were points where I felt like the fifth wheel. But I'm putting a bad spin on it. That's Karen in the picture. Somehow I never got Nancy in a picture.

I was just trying to change my dynamic. In my mind any change is a positive especially if my circle of friends see that I have other options. This is a road I've been on before and I can only expect limited success.

BTW ... saw my sister and the first words out of her was that I seem to have lost a significant amount of weight. Non of the right people see it but I'm glad I can feel like I'm able to go to Florida and not feel like a beached whale.

Saturday Night not so live

It's Saturday night and I'm sitting here with the computer for my only company. It's sad but I guess it's better than last Saturday's experience. I did make it out for a fun evening Friday night with Roberta and Janet. We went to hear R & B (Mo-town really) at a place about 30 minutes away. I volunteered to stay sober and be the designated driver. So no drinking for me ... which is a good thing. But I danced anyway and liked it mostly. I'm trying to have fun at least but it isn't easy as my heart still feels wounded. I will not tell them about what happened. They may find out but not from me.
My morning started at the gym ... my workouts are becoming more intense. I have all this angst that I am using to power me. I feel like it's helping my self-esteem as I become more fit. Roberta commented last night that I have lost some weight.
Tomorrow is the annual Sea Cliff Village Mini-Mart. It's kind of a street fair that brings out a lot of people that live in the area and many I've known since grade school. I'll try to take a few pictures that will brighten this sad and depressing story.
Oh and one last note. While I spent a good part of the day hanging out with Roberta and Janet I needed to get down to the boat to get some more work done. While there I got my first text message from Coleen in a couple of days. She asked if I was at the boat. I just replied "yup" and that was the end of that. It's a week of nothing but text messages ... almost everyday. I don't know what she thinks and I'm trying not to care. There - I'm done with that.

What to do?

5 more days and I'll be in Florida. Thank God. I get out of here and spend some time at the beach.
It's been a quiet morning but we are planning to go out tonight on the South Shore to see a R & B band and hopefully I'll get to dance. I've already volunteered to not drink so I can be the designated driver.
I may shutdown the computer at the end of the day and leave it on the shelf for the weekend. Don't be surprised if you don't see a new post until Monday.