Old Flame

I had this strange urge at the end of the day at work to google the girl I took to prom way back when. I was shocked to see a website that had her bio and it included a picture. So this is how she now looks more than 20 years later....
I recognized her right away. I forgot how she has such a great smile. I've always wondered if the years were kind to her. I probably never should have found this... now I have the urge to send her a message in an email. Maybe I'll do that someday but not from the place I'm at now. I know she became a mom about 6 or 8 years ago so it isn't as if I want to suddenly stalk her. I'd sooner want to build a time machine and go back to when we were both in love.

More than 10 years ago I was able to find her address and we exchanged a few letters and phone calls. It was great to talk to her but I also found that the girl I dated was now different and not at all like the one I remembered. Still... she is now very successful and I'm sure happy. She was always the smartest one I've ever met and I guess she still is.

Happy birthday to Mom

Today is Mom's birthday. She is in her 70's. Better to not say the exact number. I just spoke to her on the phone. She lives in Florida with dad. My brother Barry is visiting. They are looking for a dead rat that somehow got into the inner workings to my mom's outdoor jacuzzi. Apparently there is a smell issue. Glad I'm not down there for that one. So my birthday phone call was all about that.

I leave for my own visit down there on Saturday. Funny, with the cold and snow we've been getting you would think I'd be all excited about going but I'm not. I'm sure that will change by the time my plane lifts off but for the moment I just feel overwhelmed. I'm concerned mostly about leaving my cat Tigger alone. With Lisa so much farther away I don't expect she can look in on him and I know I need to ask my landlord if they can feed him for me but I still haven't done that. I have to pay the rent before I go so I'll try to do it then. So then he will at least be fed. Maybe I can get my niece Kate to stop in once or twice.

Not much else to mention. No phone call from anyone this week. I guess the whole Coleen thing is about as dead as can be. It is an 'out-of-sight-out-of-mind' thing. I'm sure things will pick up once I return from the trip. Or it won't. She was never going to step up so I've been trying to flip the obsession switch to off as much as I can. The good thing about this is I seem to have enough money for a while.

My weekend

Sorry, but no pictures. I had my camera with me all weekend but failed to remember to take a single picture. I did go meet my friends from the scuba dive club and enjoyed a nice dinner. It is such a different dynamic from my other friends. Very little tension and only talk f good times. I don't know how the future with them will be since I've long ago retired from diving and I am not sure if I want to get back into it.

On Saturday I went to visit Lisa at new new apartment. I was beginning to thing I'd never get invited so when she told me to come I hopped in the car and headed right over. It was nice to spend an afternoon just sitting and relaxing while we talked about what was new. After a while we went to the local mall to try and find pillows for her couch. It gave us something to do. After that we hung out at a Ruby Tuesday. It was there where I confessed to her that I don't know what direction my life was going. She has always known how I feel about Coleen but I have been thinking my place in her life needs to be reduced. it was an interesting discussion although I don't think there was anything that will lead to any changes.

So what happened on Sunday? Not a whole lot. I did get a phone call from Coleen. It was a brief conversation and there were no plans made. There was a promise of a call back later but it never happened. And I'm okay with that. I want to make plans but if she won't be open to it I need to make myself be less available. Let her do what she wants to do and leave me be.

So there is my weekend. Not a whole lot of interaction but it's winter so that can be blamed. I am trying to learn to find contentment in my isolation but my only real consolation is I've stayed well within my budget for the weekend.

To Krissy, thanks for your comments to my last entry. Stay well.

TGIF

It's the end of another wasted week. Good ... winter is long this year and it's not even the end of January yet. I am totally in full hibernation mode. Not anxious to go out at all. I do get a a week reprieve soon. I go to Florida the first week of February. I need to make sure my cat gets taken care of while I'm away. My landlord's kids will feed him but I'm worried about him being alone for so long. As he gets older he seems to like more attention. It could be also that I have been spending so much more time at home that I just think he needs me. I've asked Lisa to look in on him which I'm sure she will do. I pray that's enough.

So with Janet and Roberta away I rarely get any7 emails anymore. Tonight I have dinner plans with some friends I haven't seen in a while. It's a reunion of sorts. These are the friends who all scuba dive and since I don't dive much anymore I rarely see them. They all plan vacations together so I'm sure there will be talk of that and I will feel somewhat left out. I hope maybe in a year or so I'll be in a better financial situation and make a trip. But I think I would need to look at my gear and replace much of it. I don't want to get into debt again so I'll need to access that later.

I also miss going skiing. Geez, it seems like I used to be so much more active and now I don't do much of anything. I had a conversation with my brother Barry and we talked of taking a day off and going to a mountain for a day on the slopes. Maybe in late February or March.

I've been talking to Coleen less and less. We did go for a quick bite to eat last Sunday afternoon. We had spoken about trying a new place so it seemed like a good idea to go and try the buffet. She picked me up at my house and she was a little under the weather. She has been in the process of quitting cigarettes and she was struggling with that. So after we finished lunch she just decided she just needed to go home. So it was only a short 2 hour get together. Since then we've only had one phone conversation so I feel things between us have become much less dramatic. I've kind of taken myself out of the bar so my chances to see he are less likely. Part of me wants her to call me desperately needing to see me. But I know that's just a pipe dream. I've decided in my head that I want to plan things and since she won't do that I need to stop trying to just show up when she wants me.

I plan on taking my camera with me tonight so maybe I can post some pictures for a change. We will see but if I do I'll sign in and add a new entry tomorrow.

It's been a week since I've even looked at writing anything. It is now the dead of winter. Staying in a lot. I'm kind of off going to the bar. I guess that means I'm off Coleen too. Last time I saw her we went to the movies. We saw Marley and Me. I was a little embarrassed because I found myself crying at the end of the movie. I won't give away the plot but the end is a little sad and I got emotional. All that's happening lately must have a lot to do with it.

So I've been spending a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I dwell on my ex-wife's suicide. I keep trying to rationalize my role in what led to her state. I know our divorce was not only inevitable but if I hadn't found a way out it might be me in a grave. Still she did try to put us together again and again. I gave that up long ago. I can't remember when it was but she did call me and ask if we could be married again so she could get healthcare. I wasn't having a sham of a marriage but i also never understood how desperate she must have been. All this is weighing very heavy on my heart.

And yet I also find it easy to put it behind me. I am not suffering. My life goes back to normal fairly easily. Probably the thing that bothers me most is she didn't remember me in her will at all. She left everything to her friend Rich. I had a very long phone conversation with him and I get the feeling he isn't doing anything with her estate. He just wants to rid himself of the responsibility. I keep telling myself that none of this should concern me ... that it was Brenda's stuff and she decided what to do with it. If I deserved to take care of her things she would have asked me to.Rich is making it very easy fro me to just walk away and that's what I should do.

Summer can't get here fast enough. By then I'll have other things on my mind. I'm sure. I will have finished paying at least one of my loans so I can finally start living life again. I have been thinking I need to find a place I can call my own. Even though I've lived in my apartment for more than 8 years now I never felt like I could call this place home. I want a home. I want to decorate permanently... not have "transitional" furniture. I need to give up on the idea that I'll ever find someone who wants to share my space.

I'm sorry I'm not writing about happy things. I'll try to do better next time.

It's Saturday

I've been posting less and less. Not even sure why. I'm just not inspired by the events in my life right now. I do have lots of things going on though.

Today we expect a big snow to hit so I'm inside and don't really plan to go anywhere. It a big football weekend so I'll manage just fine. I do wish I was going to see somebody. I haven't really been going out much at all. Although I did get out last night because, after all, it was Friday.

Life as it is

December is over. What a month it was. Funeral, then Christmas and then New Year's eve. None of these things were very memorable. I struggle with the reality of seeing my ex-wife go into the ground. Since our lives had gone in different directions my day to day life is essential unchanged. Yesterday the phone rang and it hit me that I no longer need to worry that she may be calling for whatever crap was affecting her. It's a feeling of dread I used to have whenever I picked up the phone and I would hear her voice. Always something wrong. Never happy about anything. But now she is gone. I have such sadness but it's scaring me how quickly I can forget about it.

I had some moments at Christmas when I didn't want to enjoy myself. It was a fairly basic holiday. Mom and Dad came in from Florida, we had Christmas eve as a family at my sister's. No one would let me take a family phone so no pics for the blog. I had several phone calls with Coleen before, during and after Christmas. She likes the present I gave her. But at the end of the weekend we were still what we always are.

I spent the next several days trying to make a plan to spend New Year's eve with Coleen. She first said she had no plans since she doesn't consider herself to be any one's girlfriend. We were looking at going out for an early dinner but I couldn't get her to give me a positive answer. I could tell she was holding out for Mark. So I just let it go and planned to spend my night with other friends. I had an okay time at Janet's with all of her friends. She made a nice dinner and I never got out anywhere. My last conversation with Coleen was that she was staying home alone. She didn't seem upset about it but I look at it as an indication of how she really feels. I have finally gotten it into my head that she isn't really into me and I won't be able to change that.

But life goes on. I still work, eat, live and go out with all the friends I have. I'm just not thinking anyone special will become a part of my life again. I am now focusing on me and all the things I need. My financial situation it about to become better so I can look forward to travelling more. I want to get through this winter and look forward to spring. I can't wait.