Hello again

I still exist. I have more than I need and I should want for nothing. Yet I don't feel satisfied. I am considering giving things away. Things I value but no longer really use. Storage has become an issue. I am making attempts to deal with it.

I want a change of direction. I am about to rid myself of debt so I can again start planning my future and stop waiting for money issues to clear up. We will see.

Thinking too much

Spending more and more time alone. Mostly by design, but I haven't been getting many phone calls either. And the ones I get I wish I hadn't. I had a bit of a problem with my sister. I am booked to go visit mom and dad later this month and she gave me a hard time because I had my arrival to be while 2 of my other brothers would still be there. So I needed to change my itinerary which was no big deal, but the attitude really pissed me off. It's taking me time to let it go.

No pictures. I've about given up on taking my camera anywhere. Don't see the point since no one thinks I take the right kind of pictures. Maybe that will change soon.

I spend more and more time with Janet. I only think it's because we both have nothing else going on. We have been enjoying each other's company but no more than that. At least it keeps me from Coleen. I've been getting used to not having her around any more. She actually called me on Saturday although I don't understand why. She has plans to travel with Mark and she says just as friends. I hear this and just want to move on. So I'm not calling her and not going out of my way to see her and most of all I'm not making these little plans in my head to get close to her. At least she still calls me although I don't see why.

New post - Yea!

It's been weeks but I still have a blog. I haven't felt I had anything to say in a while. August is done and now most of September too. Since my last post I took Coleen to see a concert - Kid Rock, and I took Janet to see a concert - Loggins and Messina, and I had a date with some one new - Angela. And that was just in August. None of them really meant much.

I will start with Angela. She was a fix up from a friend of mine I know through the boat dock. Hank asked if I was interested and I stupidly said I was. She was mostly interested in sailing and since I felt I wanted to do that I asked her to come out for an evening sail. I mostly just wanted to shake things uo but honestly I couldn't wait until it was over. It was a nice evening but I made sure not to say anything committal and when I said good night my intention was that I wouldn't go out with her again. She ended up calling me about 5 times but I haven't seen her since.

While my concert with Coleen was fun I decided to distance myself from her. Since I took her to that I have been seeing less and less of her. In fact she did something that at the time I thought was mostly thoughtless on her part. It was Friday night happy hour and I went to the bar hoping I might see her in addition to other friends I hadn't seen in a while. Seems like many other had the same idea, as Janet was there along with Chris and Jami and Dave ... just about everybody I hang out with on Friday nights. So I go in mostly hoping to talk to Coleen and she is there as always. But she is talking to everyone it seems but me.... and says she sees Bunky of all people and needs to see him about something and she says this loud enough that everyone hears .... then the next thing I know she is gone. Both Chris and Janet separately said - what was up with that. I was annoyed but I just sucked it down and tried to let it go. I keep making little plans in my head and not I try to dismiss them. I don't need to spend anymore time thinking about her.

Janet and went to see Loggins and Messina and I had a great time but Janet didn't seem to really get into it. She just isn't into that kind of music. I really like her and we seem to be spending so much time together but she can be so cold that I can't picture ever getting close to her.

Oh well... I'm getting back to work... more later.

Comings and goings.

Took Coleen to a concert last night. On the one hand it was fun. She is always good to be with. On the other it was just a night out with a friend. She was great to take to a concert, she claps, and sings and dances. I wish I'd met her 20 years ago. I wonder if she even knows how much fun she is to be around.

It was a non-drinking event too. That's the second time we were able to be out and not drunk and still having a good time. I worry too much. I guess my sister has me more self-conscious than need be.

I did get a call from Janet while I was out. She was looking for something to do on a rainy day. I never know what to expect with her. I know there is no romance from that direction but she keeps reaching out to me. Like she isn't really sure. My timing is always off. I think I'm going to try to spend more time with Janet in the next few weeks.

Still here

Life is never as good as you'd like it but never as bad as you fear. Summer is a little more than half gone. While it hasn't been a summer to remember, I have had a good time. I wish I in love and waking up and having breakfast with someone after spending the previous night in each other's arms. But that's just a pipe-dream at this point and the realization that I'll never see that again is becoming more and more apparent. It's bearable.

I still spend way more time with Coleen than anyone else. If I go back and read the earlier blogs I see myself wanting to get closer to her and now I am. When I think on that I feel like I can almost accomplish anything. That being said I've really hit the wall. It's gone as far as I want it to go. She still considers Mark her guy even though she barely talks to him and sees him maybe once a month. Still he asked her to take off to spend a weekend away with him and she went.

My other friends Janet and Roberta are still giving me a hard time but they haven't abandoned me. I have been going out of my way to keep them separate and they called me on it this week. I simply said that I don't want to "compartmentize" my friends but I feel I can't get in the middle when friends of mine are not able to be friends. I still fail to understand why it's so bad that to be in the same room is so uncomfortable but I've given up on trying to change it.

So I'm here on a beautiful Saturday morning and I have nothing to do. Last night I went dancing with Roberta and Janet even though I had hopes of going with Coleen. It was supposed to be an outdoor event but it rained so thing moved indoors. Coleen said if it's inside she wouldn't bother. I considered blowing it off and going home early, but I'm glad I went. Dancing is so much fun. I may have made a spectacle out of myself but no one seems to mind. It ended at 10:30. Coleen said she would call me later but my cell phone never did ring. I had a feeling she was seeing Mark. Which means she sat on the couch watching TV and Mark drank beer until he passes out. What a catch. Janet and Roberta wanted to go out some more but my limited budget said I should break for home and get some food. Since I didn't eat dinner I went home and had some leftovers. Went to bed by 11:30.

There is more weekend left so I need to shut this off and get to it.

I have issues

It's still July. This has been a really quiet week. Feels like no one wants to talk to me. Except Coleen, but she only wants to be friends. She is reminding me of that now pretty much with every conversation. This is making me sad and frustrated. I'm pretty sure Janet is in a tiff about something, which for her is really bad. She is probably a little put off because I spent my Forth of July with Coleen. Or she is just busy. It's hard to tell since no one is keeping me in the loop.

The real kicker is my sister called me to say I need to go to an AA meeting. She thinks I have a drinking problem, which I'm not sure I want to argue with her about. I just think I need to take a long hard look in the mirror. I want to tell my friends but they all probably have bigger drinking problems than me. So I've been rolling that over in my head all week.

So here I am doing this rather than working. I am considering going away this weekend alone and doing some soul searching. That and I just want to take the boat away and no one else is that interested in joining me. I might be causing this situation, I don't know. I think I have been dissing my friends for Coleen, but given a choice I have been choosing her and that was not what I wanted, it's the way my friends have made it.

What happened

Wow, I completely missed June. The time spent between the holidays of Mem Day and the Forth were dreary and rainy. I haven't had an excuse to take any pictures the entire month. For the most part not much happened until most recently. I did get away to Florida to visit dad for a week. When I was there my mom flew north to see the rest of the family. So I got a lot of one on one time with dad.

My dad is currently battling cancer, emphysema and just old age. So it was pretty emotional when I left because there is a very real possibility he can be gone before my next visit. We did a lot of talking and had some real bonding moments. We also did a few projects he wanted done. It's really hard to get him to slow down, but mom says it's because he doesn't want us to know he's not able to keep up as much. He would get fatigued but wouldn't stop until he almost passes out. But he is still doing all the things he needs to and gets up early and moves around fine. I guess what I'm most afraid of is that he won't let us know how sick he is until it's so bad he will be in the hospital. My plan is to make another trip down in the fall. I just hope his health is still good.

Once again I have been finding myself seeing more and more of Coleen. I've never been like this with anyone. We are still just being friends, but lately she is all I can think about. I really love her. I was spending a lot of time with Janet in the hopes that I can reset me mind onto something else. But it hasn't worked at all. Janet is so beautiful and thin and blond and I should be so attracted to her but there is nothing. I see Coleen and I just want to take her in my arms and make her mine. It doesn't really matter because I can't get to first base with either of them.

Last Friday I was out with Janet and some other friends and it was fine, not bad but nothing special either. We were listening to some outdoor music in the village. I kept hoping Coleen would come down, but she never did even though she knew I was there ... knew I was there with Janet. After the music ended we went into our favorite bar and I had hoped Coleen would be there but she had just left. After about 10 minutes my cell phone rang and it was Coleen. She was up the street but was heading home soon. So I was tired and thought I'd call it a night. Then I get in my car and do a drive by where Coleen was. I am walking in just as she is walking out. We sit for a little while and I have one more drink. Suddenly I'm not so tired. We made plans for the 4th, since she isn't seeing Mark. But she can't stay and she lives only a hundred feet away and walks home.

The Forth of July had to be one of the best days I've had in a long time. We spent the entire day together. I picked her up and we ran some errands to get things ready for the fireworks. Then we were at my sister's then her brother's then stopped and had a glass of wine. All the time she is with me. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. Then we went to the boat and waited for my family to come down to see the fireworks. There was a lot of wind but it was a clear warm evening. Everyone got on board and we saw a great show. Coleen looked like she was enjoying it and that made me glad. Back at the marina my family all left and we were visiting all the other people at the dock. Coleen was especially outgoing. It was so great to have her be a part of everything. We never really had a moment alone until it was time to go. There was one instant where she felt she needed to remind me that we are friends and there would be no overnight on the boat. When it got late I drove her home. It felt like neither one of us wanted to end the night so we took a drive by the high school just so we could sing a song together on the radio. It was a good moment. Then at her house she got out and I leaned in for a kiss and unfortunately got nothing but cheek. With that she was gone and I am left with the memory of a great day.

I wish I knew how to break this pattern of friendships with girls I like. I know I need to be more upfront about what I want from people but I'm just not able to. I shouldn't have hopes but I still do. I'm just counting the minutes until the next thing. I play this over and over in my mind but it never works out the way I would like it to. I can ask the question, but I think I know the answer will be "No, I don't like you like that". So how can I make this change? It will but meanwhile I ache.

Memorial Day Weekend

Memorial Day is over and I have the boat fully prepped. So I can finally say it's practically summer. I realize that it's not officially summer until June 21 but for me it's summer from Memorial Day until Labor Day.

My summer blast off started when I hosted my annual picnic on Saturday. That is also the day they have fireworks right near the park where my boat is kept. The weather could not have been better. The forecast was for possible rain late in the day. My hopes were for anything to happen after midnight. Turns out the rain never came at all.

My biggest issue was from work on Friday into Saturday. Under duress I was forced to support an implementation on Friday night. Very stressful and even though there were no problems I had to be awake from 3 a.m. until dawn. This left me with 3 hours of sleep for my picnic. I wasn't so much as tired as I was just grumpy. But I pushed on.

So my day was really good. Everyone had plenty to eat and drink. There are things I'd like to do different. Getting more sleep next year will be first on my list. I was more than a little disappointed that Lisa decided to skip the entire day. I feel like I don't even know her anymore.

The rest of my weekend went fine. I saw Coleen on Sunday. It was casual. I hadn't seen her in a while so it was good but still no changes. I saw her again on Memorial Day at Jami's party. I spent more time talking to Janet than Coleen. Obviously, I need to focus on other things. And I am doing that.

Not much more to the weekend. No excitement, but no drama either. Lots of good time with friends. I couldn't ask for a better weekend although it would be better if I could have the love I search for.

Ugh...

Here I am. It's the holiday weekend and I want to make it all sound good. I've had much stress and confusion. My work is in chaos and the rest of my life isn't any different. Don't know how to do anything.

So I'm watching Hitch and I so wish it was real life. The movie make all things possible. It's done so well. Albert is so much the every man. The Q-tip... ha!. I'm staying home. So I'm wanting to say a lot but not so much.

My life lately has been more about Janet and I get such mixed messages right now I can't understand how I should feel. Janet is such an angel and I can't believe I get to be a part of her life. And she calls me and makes me feel as if I am as important to her as anyone.But at the same time i never ever get the romantic "I love you" vibe from her. Part of me is thinking she is just the kind of girl who wants to make her feelings like poker.God forbid anyone should see how she feels.
So the Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend I had a picnic for as many of my friends and family as would come. Coleen blew me off but I had barely invited her. Lisa blew me off too. That bothered me more than it should have. I feel like I barely know Lisa anymore.
So today I got a surprise visit from Coleen and of course I felt really honored. I made the most of it. I had her helping me on the boat. We got some really good things done and it seemed like we were bonding. Meanwhile I had told Janet I would be seeing her ... casually of course. So i felt like i was playing off who would give me the most likely satisfaction. And it's really neither. So frustrating. I'm so stupid. What can i do?Ugh....

A blog about nothing

I've been thinking I'm about done with this. I keep hoping that I can get some movement in my life. Seems like I can't get out of the room. No pictures worth posting. Can't even think of a good headline.

I'll get over it... just not yet.

Just a short note.

I had a nice weekend. The weather was great and I spent the bulk of my time doing my springtime chores. I blew off Coleen. She was going to meet me at the gym but couldn't do it Saturday and then I couldn't on Sunday. Janet called me up and I ended up there for dinner with her and her kids. A very wholesome day that ended with us sipping wine on her porch while we watched daytime turn to night.

What's new

Easter has come and gone. My family got together at my brother Barry's house. Here is a picture of everyone. The parents were in Florida and Katie is there visiting but other than them we were complete for this. Even Danielle and her new fiance were there ... that's him to the far right.

That was 2 weeks ago. In the meantime I've been keeping busy going to the gym and getting my boat prepped for launch. I've been getting out too but nothing more than the usual. Not really getting to the gym enough and it really hits for a few days after I go. It does give me a chance to see Coleen somewhere other than the bar. Still, nothing is happening there.

I also go to see not one but two Met games at the new Citi Field. I couldn't get tickets to any games last year and now I've been to 2 games in the first home stand. Unfortunately they lost both games I saw. Still it was fun to go. The first game I went with some guys from the office and then last Sunday I went with Mariana, her husband and Lisa.

The End of another wasted week

I had a dream last night about my dead ex-wife. Like any dream is was very surreal and now the memory of it is very fuzzy. It was a sunny spring day and we were just sitting on a wooden swinging chair in a park. I awoke with this feeling of how I used to be in love and don't know if I'll ever get that back again. It has been so long since I'd felt ant romance I doubt I would even recognize it if it happened.

Thursday night Lisa came for dinner. Her time here was so short and I barely felt like we'd even started when it was time for her to go. We spent a lot of time talking about her family. Mostly it's her dad who is suffering from Parkinson's and is having serious problems. Even with that it was so nice having someone here just to talk to instead of just me and the cat every night. Seems like my only social contact comes at the bar.

Speaking of the bar I was there last night for a couple of hours. I wasn't planning on going but I got home and didn't have any other plan and I knew Coleen would be there so I hopped in the car and went. Coleen was talking to her friend Don who is like 70 years old. That's him in the picture above. Then I saw Janet and sat with her. Coleen wasn't there very long so we never had any real conversation which was sad. I didn't stay long after that.

It's Saturday and it's raining. I decided to give Coleen a call this morning and see if we can meet

at the gym. I found out when she left last night she went for a slice of pizza across the street with Jimmy. That's him in the picture with Roberta. It feels like she wants to get to know him. He is younger than me so if she likes him I'll need to deal with that. Don went to so it wasn't anything special, I just have this odd feeling that she has some interest.

Weekend life

This past weekend I had trouble staying up. It seemed that I couldn't stay awake past 10 o'clock. That includes Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night. It all started on Friday when I struggled with my allergies. As the day went on my head just got more and more congested. So even though I went out on Thursday night for a few hours I stayed in on Friday. I figured my allergy attack was triggered by the dust and cat dander that was accumulating since my last vacuum. So my Saturday was all about cleaning the house. So I now live is a relatively spotless house.

While cleaning I had a phone conversation with Coleen about joining a gym. So when I ventured out I picker her up and we went and both joined up. So now I have to start exercising for the first time in years. My first trip was Sunday morning and I went and picked up Coleen and we both did an hour. I figure it will be good if I can get myself into a healthier lifestyle even if I'm only using it to spend a little time to see Coleen.

So after signing up on Saturday Coleen and I went to the bar. I had been called in the afternoon by Janet and she asked if I would join them for dinner. Since at that time I didn't expect to see Coleen I had said I would. Then later Coleen asked if I would like to have dinner with her and like an idiot I was stumbled over how to either say no to Coleen or get out of the dinner with Janet and her friends. Eventually I told Coleen I had committed to dinner and she said I should go and she would have a different plan for dinner.

So this is what's wrong with me. I went to dinner but I was miserable. I mean I did what I thought was the right thing by honoring my initial commitment and having dinner with Janet, Roberta, Jami and Judy. It also felt like i was being punished because I was seen with Coleen. All this does is remind me why I was staying home for most of the winter.

I am having trouble deciding how I feel about who my friends are right now. It all seems to revolve around my feelings for Coleen. The thing is if she is only available as a friend I can learn to live with that. The rest of my friends aren't around nearly as much so why should I be made to feel like that's bad. I don't know what long term will be but I do seem to enjoy myself more around Coleen than anyone right now even if we are only friends. I guess I will need to just see where thing go.

Strange Days

Last Monday I received an email from Win. I knew her from back in the 6th grade. She was my classmate and girl next door. She was also my first love although we were never romantic. I was just never able to be more than friends. She had married and moved away when I was 25. While we don't have regular conversations we have exchanged emails now and then, but rarely. We had lost contact several times where years went by without a letter or phone call. But I did see her and her family at a memorial event for her dad that was local. While I thought it would be a fun reunion, instead I felt a little like I had imposed and after that I figured I wouldn't really want to exchange anymore. So imagine my shock to get an email from her. We ended up trading emails back and forth from dinner until I shut down my pc at 10 p.m. Even at that she sent another email that I didn't see until I got to work the next day. What had inspired her to suddenly reach out to me I'll always wonder but doubt I'll ever find out. She is happily married and lives 1200 miles away. I'll always like hearing from her but I'll need to resist the impulse to try and maintain contact.

Then today I got an email from Mariana at work... another married woman friend. She is probably my oldest friend at work. Someone who I only ever talk to on rare occasions. She just wanted to see how i was. Suddenly everyone wants to know how I am. It's strange but it's not coming from the right people. Still it is validating. Mariana is about to turn 40 next week so I'll take her for a drink next week. She remembered my birthday last summer and even got me something at Christmas so I want to find her something before then. It'll be hard because I only know her through work and I don't know what she might like.

I also heard from Lisa today but then I hear from her most every day. Today however we made plans for dinner tomorrow. I'm cooking. So I have that to look forward to.

I haven't heard much from anyone in Glen Cove and nothing from Coleen since Saturday. I've been resisting the urge to call her. I will probably go to the bar on Friday. She will be there and after that I make no promises.

A Social weekend.

No pictures today. Yesterday was a lost day. I wanted to get up and out early enough to do laundry in the morning and then get some other stuff done in the afternoon. I didn't get the laundry done until almost 3 o'clock so the other things never got done. Well .... at the laundry is done.

Friday night I met Janet at out favorite Italian restaurant and while there I bumped into separately, my brother Brian with my sister-in-law Sue and her sister Marie who is visiting from Florida, and my cousin Bernadette, her daughter Erin and Erin's boyfriend George. So what might have been a quiet evening turned into a social even where I was bouncing from one table to the next. Janet was also see people she knew so we were both off on our own. As always she seemed fine with it. It was a fun night until the check came. They raised the price of a glass of wine from $5 to $7 which for us is a pretty big bump. And this after both Janet and I said we didn't want to spend too much. Oh well, at least it was a fun night out even if I spent $20 more than I intended.

Before leaving Bernadette and I were talking about how we both have pictures from Florida to share and my goal was to get there in the afternoon on Saturday. But with laundry not getting done til late by the time I got around to calling she had long gone out so I popped into the bar and that turned into a social event. I first arrive and right away I saw a familiar car in the lot. Coleen was there. I never heard back from her all week so I at first thought it would be nice to see her again. Jami was also there and as soon as I saw her she said she had just spoken to Janet who was on her way. So right away I knew there would be lots of people to talk to. Seemed like everyone was there except for Roberta, who said she needed to save some money and wasn't coming out. I guess we all seem to be having the same issues although I think there may be more to it than that.

There was an empty seat next to Coleen so I grabbed it and engaged in what ever topics of conversation came up. She seemed a little tense at first. Probably my lack of attention was getting to her but it was never discussed. After a while she relaxed and we talked. I was somewhat dismayed to find out she had Sunday plans to see Mark. This back and forth stuff just confirms to me that I am doing the right thing by avoiding her a little even though I miss being around her terribly. And I could feel myself wanting that while i was there. Lucky Janet engaged me in conversation that kept me from paying all my focus on that one thing. Still it was a fun evening with no feeling of getting too involved. I think it was because Roberta wasn't there. That helped Coleen relax and she stayed way longer than she had probably intended.

I'm starting to wonder if Roberta is really causing all the tension. She see things so black and white and can't seem to just let things be. It's making me wonder if I want Roberta to be that important to me. I just don't want her to be judgemental of everyone and every thing.

Janet and I went to see some other friends at another place and then I went home. Leaving Coleen behind. I did say goodbye and while I'd really like to call her today I won't. We will see what the week brings.

That's it for now.

TGIF

I have had a long lonely week. I am not enjoying this sitting at home so much even though I've spent a fortune getting it looking better. I really wanted company this week but not really sure how to make that happen just yet. It's still too cold for outside. And it seems like no one really wants to come to see me if it's inside. I'd really like it if I could host something for a change since I've always been the guest. Most of my friends think I live too far away even though it's just a little more than 5 miles. It's just an excuse I think.

This is my new shelving that I put together. The TV is flanked by my CD collection. I also purchased new lamps and side tables. New slipcovers for the couches. So far the cat has not shown the urge to scratch any of it. I've also been using blankets on the arms which had always been his favorite place to scratch.

So I was sitting back last night looking around at the room and I really like what I've done. I wish I had painted though. But that's just too much to do for now. Maybe next year I'll tackle that.

So who could I invite for one of my home cooked dinners? I'd really like it to be Coleen but I keep hear this little voice in my head saying I need to put her behind me. Lisa wants to have dinner but since she has a boyfriend she is always got plans. We talk every day, but we never do anything together anymore. I would love to get Janet and Roberta to join me either together or separately. But they are the ones that refuse to leave their own neighborhood.

At least I get to enjoy my new house. I'll probably be home by myself so I'll make the best of it. Just not very exciting compared to last year.

On Sunday March 22 Glen Cove had it's annual St. Patrick's Parade. It was the 2nd time I'd gone as I went last year. All the usual people came out and I finally had my corned beef and cabbage for the only time this year. I also spent a bit of time re-connecting with Coleen. Which of course got me some heat from some of my other friends who don't think I should spend any time with Coleen.

I saw her Friday night, Saturday night and then all day Sunday. It just confuses me how I let it just happen and when I think I could talk about how I have hopes and dreams I never get to do it. I see what I see and if someone loves you they make it fairly obvious. But yet I look for her to be near me.

I did spend a lot of my time these last few months staying away and I might need to do that again. I'm weak and if I see her I just need to be near her so my best option is to not be in those situations. Which means I may need to not go to the bar any more.

While I was spending my time doing other things it was noticed by Coleen that I had not been paying as much attention to her. We did not go to dinner for almost 2 months. So when we finally got around to it again after her birthday she did say she felt like I had let my other friends get between us, which is partially true.

I also assumed Coleen's relationship with Mark had gotten better so it made it much easier to rationalize my staying out of it. Now I've learned different. Coleen mentioned that Mark took her out for dinner on her birthday and then she went to the bar where she was given flowers and a cake by some of the people at the bar. What she didn't tell me was that as she enjoyed celebrating her birthday Mark just wanted to leave and since she was the driver she had to leave to take him home and then come back so she could have a piece of her own birthday cake. I guess the night ended badly for them because they haven't been out since.

I also heard something from my brother that Mark has never considered his relationship with Coleen to be exclusive. He didn't buy her any gift at Christmas so he could send that message. She doesn't know I heard this although I am considering if she needs to hear it. Lisa says I should tell her but I feel like she will use it as an excuse to call him.

So it's Monday and I am thinking I will leave things as they are and let her reach out to me if she wants. I can't just make things too easy. She just wants me as a friend and that fine but I need to be less available.

So anyway...

I spent too much time this weekend getting close to Coleen. It doesn't take much for me to become all infatuated again. It's all me I know but I am just so unable to see the reality when she is in front of me.

I am sitting here wondering why I can't be stronger. Or even why I need to be. I found myself totally hooked into her this weekend after trying not to be for so long.

So here is the scoop. Somehow while I was not in touch with Coleen her and Mark had a serious falling out and her words are she won't see him any more. The details I don't even know but I learned a little from my brother. On her birthday she was with Mark and he took her out and they were in the bar and had a big row about his going home and she was celebrating with her friends. Not sure of what exactly happened but she says she hasn't spoken to him since.

So I want to find a way to state my case. I've had my chances and let them go by. When steel my nerve those are the moments she doesn't want to talk. But my head swims with ideas. I need to not get my ducks in a row. Somehow,

My Saturday Adventure

I just made a small post yesterday with just a single picture... I guess I need to expand on that and then I can tell my story. I get these emails from time to time from the Long Island Aquarium announcing a release back into the wild seals that they save. Saturday they planned to release 2 seals at noon. I thought it would be interesting. I also had hoped that Coleen would like to join me. We had a brief conversation about it and she had indicated she would like to go. I thought it might be a nice bonding experience.

Well, even though she blew me off I went anyway. There were about 100 people there, mostly parents and their kids. I joined the crown with my camera at the ready. I haven't had any really good pictures in a while so I was hoping to get some blog-worthy shots.

The names of the seals were Bruce and Dexter. As the crowd gathered the seals arrived in separate cages on the back of a pickup truck. Bruce would be the first to be let out.

He was very nervous as he had to be pushed out of the cage. I'm sure all the people there made the experience even more traumatic that it was. Still it took 20 minutes or so of prodding and finally he got to the water and headed out to see.

It was a thrill to see him out in the bay. He didn't leave right away, but swam around close to shore for 10 minutes or so. The person in charge explained that one of the seals from an earlier release has been staying in the area for weeks before migrating north.

So with the seal free they set about letting the second seal, Dexter out of his cage. He was even more timid than the first one. Dexter just refused to go out to see. He just sat at the water's edge enjoying the sunshine for about an hour before I decided I had enough and left. I'm sure he eventually took off I just wasn't there for it.

It was quite an adventure which I had no one to share with. I did get a phone call from Coleen right as the second seal was released. She could have been there but I didn't talk to her Friday and she didn't get around to calling me back until way too late. She seemed annoyed we didn't connect. This is a story I need to tell in more detail so I'll save it for my next blog... maybe later today or tomorrow. At least I know I am out living life and not sitting around wondering what's happening.

Seal

I decided to do something different today and went to see a seal release. It was interesting.

Hello

Has it been a week already? Not much has been worth blogging about. We had a big snowstorm on Monday. More than a foot so I stayed home from work. So I'm here alone even more secluded than normal. I did call Coleen for her birthday. She was at Mark's. So I assume their on again off again relationship has heated up again. I'm so glad I've managed to put some distance between us.

But now I've this void. I'm feeling a loss although I really had nothing that I lost. Maybe just a little hope. Or a loss of optimism.

On Friday night we went to the Sea Cliff Barcrawl. Wasn't very exciting. Couldn't wait to get done with it. I took a few pictures for a change. None of them were any good. I'm about to give up taking pictures with my friends. They just don't like them.

Saturday afternoon Lisa came by and we enjoyed a little wine and just relaxed and talked. This was my best part of the weekend. I do miss seeing her as often as I used to. We had planned to have dinner but she had made plans that she forgot about. So I enjoyed her for a little while abd then spent the rest of my weekend watching tv. Such a blah weekend.

Sorting things out

I'm sure I've about lost any and all my interested readers. At this point even I find it difficult to stay tuned to what has become a broken record. Still, it's my life and it is the only one I've got so may as well make the best of it.

About 2 weeks ago I decided I wanted to feel better about who I am and how I live. My focus became how my living room is so out of date. Everywhere I looked was clutter. My entertainment unit was old and sagging in the middle. I had CD's laying about with no where to put them. My couches are just chairs with an assortment of blankets atop them. I wanted to make my place presentable. Give myself someplace I could feel good about. So I've been going to Ikea and other stores looking for ideas.

So out went the TV unit. I got myself a shelf system called IVAR and have begun to make changes bit by bit. The thing I like about Ikea is their stuff is modular. I can start with one piece and build on it. Next I want to do something with the couches. I can't really afford new ones but I've been looking at slipcovers. Seems my couches are fairly standard sized love seats. At first I looked online and found some interesting ideas there but then I went to a discount chain and found one marked down to $15. When I got to the register it actually rang up for just $5. "Woohoo" I thought. My luck didn't last long though as when I got home I found it to be for a much smaller chair than I have. But I still think it's a good plan. Probably going to cost about $30 to $40 a chair.

In other news, I had a nice dinner last Saturday with the girls at Roberta's house. Actually was there real late. A bunch of us are making plans for the summer to take some trips on the boat. Some of that was fueled by too much wine, but it would be nice if I could do more on the boat this year. Still at least 10 weeks away from launch.

I got a call from Coleen as I was riding home from work on the train. At first I put the ringer on silent and put the phone away. But it was eating away at me so when I got off the train I listened to her message and called her back. She was with Mark so we didn't talk long. She wanted to make a plan for going out for Indian food, but I refused to make a plan. It was a short conversation and I'm so sick of how flighty she can be. I'm sure her call was more about getting attention from Mark than about how I am. I'm letting go more and more.

Of course I am a little less hopeful because of this. I guess I had been obsessing for so long I still don't know how to be anything else. Which is why I am trying to get my home looking better. Gives me something else to focus or obsess on.

Friday night stuff

For the first time in about 6 weeks I went out to the bar last night. It was good to get out and see some of the people that hang out there. But i also feel like I want to move on to other things. It's just doing the same thing over and over. At this point I could take it of leave it. It was good to see Coleen again but we didn't really connect so I can see the effect of staying away from her. The results are that she wasn't that anxious to find out how I've been. She was in conversation with everyone else it seemed. So to her i was just one of the crowd.

As I am typing this I've just answered the phone and spoken to Coleen. She said she would call and we spoke but nothing serious. I have other plans so I am not seeing her again this weekend.

So I have managed to isolate myself from anything remotely resembling a relationship. It was Lisa's birthday last week and it's Coleen's birthday next week. I haven't seen Lisa to give her her present and when I try to see how Coleen will spend her birthday she just rolls her eyes and doesn't want to even discuss it. So I'll be holding on to her present too.

Daily news

Spent my Presidents Day mostly at home. I want to redo my living room so I went to Ikea for some ideas. I started by getting a new shelf that I will use to create a new entertainment unit. I estimate that will run about $400 I think.

I didn't really talk to anyone all day. My only contact with the outside world came when Lisa sent me an IM when she got home from work. She is back and forth with her boyfriend Carmine. I made the mistake and asked her how her Valentines was. She seems unhappy and is looking for reasons to not be there even though they just signed a lease on a rented apartment. Part of me sees this as the inevitable outcome but I try to get her to work harder at staying together. I still have this deep down feeling that we will end up together. I want to not feel this way.

What's going on

It's still winter... endless winter. I've been spending a lot of time indoors alone. Mostly by choice. I stopped going to the bar which is a good thing. That means I see Coleen less and less. I've decided I need to do that. I still feel like I want to make something happen but as long I continued to maintain the same relationship it wasn't going to happen. So I did see her last Sunday and we spent the day together but then she called me at home one night during the week I needed all my strength to resist making a plan with her. To make sure I asked Janet to dinner for Friday night.

Seeing Janet was good. She might be the most perfect girl I've ever met. There just isn't a hint of romance with her. I can look in her eyes and see nothing there that says she is looking at me as anything more than an old friend. Still we enjoyed dinner Friday so much we decided to have dinner again on Saturday. She cooked and then played Rock Band with her kids. It was fun if not a little surreal.

So now it's Sunday and I've had about as good a weekend as I should expect. But still I wish I could have heard from Coleen. I know it's bad to have these kind of obsessive feelings and I need to make an effort to not have them. I'll need to wait and see.

Old Flame

I had this strange urge at the end of the day at work to google the girl I took to prom way back when. I was shocked to see a website that had her bio and it included a picture. So this is how she now looks more than 20 years later....
I recognized her right away. I forgot how she has such a great smile. I've always wondered if the years were kind to her. I probably never should have found this... now I have the urge to send her a message in an email. Maybe I'll do that someday but not from the place I'm at now. I know she became a mom about 6 or 8 years ago so it isn't as if I want to suddenly stalk her. I'd sooner want to build a time machine and go back to when we were both in love.

More than 10 years ago I was able to find her address and we exchanged a few letters and phone calls. It was great to talk to her but I also found that the girl I dated was now different and not at all like the one I remembered. Still... she is now very successful and I'm sure happy. She was always the smartest one I've ever met and I guess she still is.

Happy birthday to Mom

Today is Mom's birthday. She is in her 70's. Better to not say the exact number. I just spoke to her on the phone. She lives in Florida with dad. My brother Barry is visiting. They are looking for a dead rat that somehow got into the inner workings to my mom's outdoor jacuzzi. Apparently there is a smell issue. Glad I'm not down there for that one. So my birthday phone call was all about that.

I leave for my own visit down there on Saturday. Funny, with the cold and snow we've been getting you would think I'd be all excited about going but I'm not. I'm sure that will change by the time my plane lifts off but for the moment I just feel overwhelmed. I'm concerned mostly about leaving my cat Tigger alone. With Lisa so much farther away I don't expect she can look in on him and I know I need to ask my landlord if they can feed him for me but I still haven't done that. I have to pay the rent before I go so I'll try to do it then. So then he will at least be fed. Maybe I can get my niece Kate to stop in once or twice.

Not much else to mention. No phone call from anyone this week. I guess the whole Coleen thing is about as dead as can be. It is an 'out-of-sight-out-of-mind' thing. I'm sure things will pick up once I return from the trip. Or it won't. She was never going to step up so I've been trying to flip the obsession switch to off as much as I can. The good thing about this is I seem to have enough money for a while.

My weekend

Sorry, but no pictures. I had my camera with me all weekend but failed to remember to take a single picture. I did go meet my friends from the scuba dive club and enjoyed a nice dinner. It is such a different dynamic from my other friends. Very little tension and only talk f good times. I don't know how the future with them will be since I've long ago retired from diving and I am not sure if I want to get back into it.

On Saturday I went to visit Lisa at new new apartment. I was beginning to thing I'd never get invited so when she told me to come I hopped in the car and headed right over. It was nice to spend an afternoon just sitting and relaxing while we talked about what was new. After a while we went to the local mall to try and find pillows for her couch. It gave us something to do. After that we hung out at a Ruby Tuesday. It was there where I confessed to her that I don't know what direction my life was going. She has always known how I feel about Coleen but I have been thinking my place in her life needs to be reduced. it was an interesting discussion although I don't think there was anything that will lead to any changes.

So what happened on Sunday? Not a whole lot. I did get a phone call from Coleen. It was a brief conversation and there were no plans made. There was a promise of a call back later but it never happened. And I'm okay with that. I want to make plans but if she won't be open to it I need to make myself be less available. Let her do what she wants to do and leave me be.

So there is my weekend. Not a whole lot of interaction but it's winter so that can be blamed. I am trying to learn to find contentment in my isolation but my only real consolation is I've stayed well within my budget for the weekend.

To Krissy, thanks for your comments to my last entry. Stay well.

TGIF

It's the end of another wasted week. Good ... winter is long this year and it's not even the end of January yet. I am totally in full hibernation mode. Not anxious to go out at all. I do get a a week reprieve soon. I go to Florida the first week of February. I need to make sure my cat gets taken care of while I'm away. My landlord's kids will feed him but I'm worried about him being alone for so long. As he gets older he seems to like more attention. It could be also that I have been spending so much more time at home that I just think he needs me. I've asked Lisa to look in on him which I'm sure she will do. I pray that's enough.

So with Janet and Roberta away I rarely get any7 emails anymore. Tonight I have dinner plans with some friends I haven't seen in a while. It's a reunion of sorts. These are the friends who all scuba dive and since I don't dive much anymore I rarely see them. They all plan vacations together so I'm sure there will be talk of that and I will feel somewhat left out. I hope maybe in a year or so I'll be in a better financial situation and make a trip. But I think I would need to look at my gear and replace much of it. I don't want to get into debt again so I'll need to access that later.

I also miss going skiing. Geez, it seems like I used to be so much more active and now I don't do much of anything. I had a conversation with my brother Barry and we talked of taking a day off and going to a mountain for a day on the slopes. Maybe in late February or March.

I've been talking to Coleen less and less. We did go for a quick bite to eat last Sunday afternoon. We had spoken about trying a new place so it seemed like a good idea to go and try the buffet. She picked me up at my house and she was a little under the weather. She has been in the process of quitting cigarettes and she was struggling with that. So after we finished lunch she just decided she just needed to go home. So it was only a short 2 hour get together. Since then we've only had one phone conversation so I feel things between us have become much less dramatic. I've kind of taken myself out of the bar so my chances to see he are less likely. Part of me wants her to call me desperately needing to see me. But I know that's just a pipe dream. I've decided in my head that I want to plan things and since she won't do that I need to stop trying to just show up when she wants me.

I plan on taking my camera with me tonight so maybe I can post some pictures for a change. We will see but if I do I'll sign in and add a new entry tomorrow.

It's been a week since I've even looked at writing anything. It is now the dead of winter. Staying in a lot. I'm kind of off going to the bar. I guess that means I'm off Coleen too. Last time I saw her we went to the movies. We saw Marley and Me. I was a little embarrassed because I found myself crying at the end of the movie. I won't give away the plot but the end is a little sad and I got emotional. All that's happening lately must have a lot to do with it.

So I've been spending a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I dwell on my ex-wife's suicide. I keep trying to rationalize my role in what led to her state. I know our divorce was not only inevitable but if I hadn't found a way out it might be me in a grave. Still she did try to put us together again and again. I gave that up long ago. I can't remember when it was but she did call me and ask if we could be married again so she could get healthcare. I wasn't having a sham of a marriage but i also never understood how desperate she must have been. All this is weighing very heavy on my heart.

And yet I also find it easy to put it behind me. I am not suffering. My life goes back to normal fairly easily. Probably the thing that bothers me most is she didn't remember me in her will at all. She left everything to her friend Rich. I had a very long phone conversation with him and I get the feeling he isn't doing anything with her estate. He just wants to rid himself of the responsibility. I keep telling myself that none of this should concern me ... that it was Brenda's stuff and she decided what to do with it. If I deserved to take care of her things she would have asked me to.Rich is making it very easy fro me to just walk away and that's what I should do.

Summer can't get here fast enough. By then I'll have other things on my mind. I'm sure. I will have finished paying at least one of my loans so I can finally start living life again. I have been thinking I need to find a place I can call my own. Even though I've lived in my apartment for more than 8 years now I never felt like I could call this place home. I want a home. I want to decorate permanently... not have "transitional" furniture. I need to give up on the idea that I'll ever find someone who wants to share my space.

I'm sorry I'm not writing about happy things. I'll try to do better next time.

It's Saturday

I've been posting less and less. Not even sure why. I'm just not inspired by the events in my life right now. I do have lots of things going on though.

Today we expect a big snow to hit so I'm inside and don't really plan to go anywhere. It a big football weekend so I'll manage just fine. I do wish I was going to see somebody. I haven't really been going out much at all. Although I did get out last night because, after all, it was Friday.

Life as it is

December is over. What a month it was. Funeral, then Christmas and then New Year's eve. None of these things were very memorable. I struggle with the reality of seeing my ex-wife go into the ground. Since our lives had gone in different directions my day to day life is essential unchanged. Yesterday the phone rang and it hit me that I no longer need to worry that she may be calling for whatever crap was affecting her. It's a feeling of dread I used to have whenever I picked up the phone and I would hear her voice. Always something wrong. Never happy about anything. But now she is gone. I have such sadness but it's scaring me how quickly I can forget about it.

I had some moments at Christmas when I didn't want to enjoy myself. It was a fairly basic holiday. Mom and Dad came in from Florida, we had Christmas eve as a family at my sister's. No one would let me take a family phone so no pics for the blog. I had several phone calls with Coleen before, during and after Christmas. She likes the present I gave her. But at the end of the weekend we were still what we always are.

I spent the next several days trying to make a plan to spend New Year's eve with Coleen. She first said she had no plans since she doesn't consider herself to be any one's girlfriend. We were looking at going out for an early dinner but I couldn't get her to give me a positive answer. I could tell she was holding out for Mark. So I just let it go and planned to spend my night with other friends. I had an okay time at Janet's with all of her friends. She made a nice dinner and I never got out anywhere. My last conversation with Coleen was that she was staying home alone. She didn't seem upset about it but I look at it as an indication of how she really feels. I have finally gotten it into my head that she isn't really into me and I won't be able to change that.

But life goes on. I still work, eat, live and go out with all the friends I have. I'm just not thinking anyone special will become a part of my life again. I am now focusing on me and all the things I need. My financial situation it about to become better so I can look forward to travelling more. I want to get through this winter and look forward to spring. I can't wait.