We finally did it

It finally happened. After a long, long time I am having sex again. And it is with Lisa. It happened just a little more than a week ago. We had a few starts and stops and I'm not sure if it was her patience or my persistance but in the end with a little help from Viagra we got it done. It started just a month ago when she signed uo on a dating site and was talking to a guy from Connecticut. She told me about it and I didn't know what to make of it. The onlt one she seemed so intered in and he didn't seem like her type at all. I think I told her it just wasn't a good option and I may have mentioned she was looking at something so far away and I was right there. I still don't know what made me do it but she was standing in her apartment looking very sexy and I put my arms around her and we started kissing. There was passion behind it like I'd not felt in a long time. She kept saying should we really do this and I would only say I don't want to stop. But nature being what it is for men over 50 I had some trouble. A coupl of weeks before I scored so sample Viagra but they were not with me and I was reasonable sure that if I left to get one by the time I returned the mood would change. So I did not get it done. So I determined to try again and on Fridat night I made sure I had the pills with me. I met Lisa out and we had some drinks and when it was time to go she said we needed to leave together, even though we had seperate cars. On the way to her house I took the my first Viagra ever. At her house and in her bed I told her. And she sent me home. She was going to be with her sister the rest of the weekend. Yes I was frustrated. Then Monday her can breaks down and she calls me and I had it towed. I thought she would be tired and uninterested. We both had work the next day. Some how we kissed and she gave me a look I can only say said she wanted me. She went into the bedroom and I took a pill and hoped. And it was like BOOM. We were naked and I was ready to go. Before too long it was happening. God, it had been such a long time. I couldn't tell you if it was good or bad. It did seem to take a long time. I don't know if it was a side effect or just me but I was working up a sweat. We started with me on top but we had to switch to doggie, which I had never done. Yes, never did it that way. It was awesome. Lisa got everything I had. Now I know it can happen.

Seeing

I have been dealing with vision problems since I turned 40 or so. Nothing unusual, probably what anyone deals with as they age. First I needed reading glasses and every couple of years or so I would need stronger glasses. Then about 6 years ago I needed glasses for distance. So I began to wear glasses all the time. My last eye visit I told the Optomitrist my left eye was not focussing as well as my right. He looked at it and said I had the slightest bit of catarracts. He told my I should not be concerned about it for some time. Now it is 9 months later and I feel like I am going blind. It has become near impossible for me to read the newpaper. I'm really struggling at work. As I write this blog entry I can't really review it's content because it's just too diffecult to make out.

Hope and Hopelessness

It has been 2 weeks since Lisa and I spent the night together. Since then we have not even discussed it. I wish things could have gone better but before I could even formulate in my mind what I even want Lisa was off to Vermont for a work related trip. While she was there we only spoke once and averaged maybe one tect exchange per day. There was a real distance some of which came from me but most of it was from her. In my insecurity I convinced myself she was having a fling just so she could get the whole event behind her. It's been more than a week and I'm convinced that is exactly what transpired. I also made attampts to push on. I spent a lot of time with Coleen. I even told her what happened because I just don't know what normal sex is for a man my age. It is just something men do not talk about. She did tell me that the men my age she has been with all did not experiance what I did. But she did say it does happen. So last night I realized that I pretty much had drinks everyday of my vacation and I decided to see how things would work alcohol free. I must say there is a difference. So I have now convinced myself that I need to choose between drinks and sex. Getting back to Lisa, when she came home I immediately noticed she had a new name in her life. Someone by the name of Jeff who she met on her trip. She spoke to him on her phone and I could tell by their conversation that there was more than a professional relationship. We talked about it briefly and I am already looking at our night together as a mistake so I wasn't going to get all worked up if she told me any details. In the moment I was just happy to be taken off the hook. She did give me some details but I have this feeling it isn't serious. For one thing Jeff lives upstate. Also his status is some what of a mystery. I noticed over the last few days Lisa is looking at her phone less and less. And then late yesterday she sent me a cryptic email that simply stated "I've made a difficult decision today..." and nothing more. She sent this after I'd left the office so I didn't read it until this morning. Last night she was sending me text messages from after 11 PM until well past midnight. This for her is highly unusual. She goes to bed by about 10 and is typically asleep in a reasonable amount of time. I feel that the other shoe is about to drop but I have no idea what that might be.

Winding down summer already

For some reason I was unable to write anything but a heading for a while. This was an attempt to write about how I finally kissed Lisa. But I wrote about that later. So skip ahead.

Night of nights

So it finally happened. Lisa and I slept together. It took me completely by surprose and I'm not sure it was planned on her part either. It just hsppened. I will start from the biggining. One night in July we spoke of how we are friends and she desire was to not change that. My response was that whatever we do that would never change. Then I switched tactics and said why are we talking and not just making out. So we did. We started kissing in my livingroom and from there we went to the bedroom, but we never took our xlothes off. Not that I didn't try. She stopped things and I watched her leave thinking how close we came. Fast forward to three weeks later. We were outside at a concert in the village. We sipped wine and listened to music. I convinced her to dance and we were having fun like we always do. We called it a night before the end and as we walked back to the car I just spontainiously took her hand as we walked. I've done this before and usually feel funny about it and let it go after a moment or two. This time it just felt natural and we just casually did that all the way to the car. I did not think much of it at the time. We drove back to her house, which is only a block from mine. We had what I thought was a night cap and a little past 10 PM I started to look to call it a night. Before I could leave she said "come lay with me". So I just thought we would watch TV on the bed until she fell asleep. So I took off my shoes and follwoed Lisa into the bedroom. Ahe lays down and doesn't even turn on the TV. So I leaned in and we kissed. Then I realized at some point she had removed her bra. From there things are a little fuzzy. But we rolled around the bed and fell on the floor. We got naked. I touched her. Everywhere. She was hot. She was ready and willing. After 15 years of wanting this it was finally there for me. But my 50+ year old body was letting me down. I had nothing. Maybe it was the alcohol ot maybe I'm just old but I could not get an erection. And we tried everything. Her hand, my hand, her mouth. Nothing. We just fell asleep both not getting what we want. So we just talked in the dark. I told her how sorry I was. Somehow the subk=ject of how we'd gotten there came up. I told Lisa how unexpected this was for me. She asked my why did I held her hand earlier in the night. I said I hadn't even thought about it. If I'd known that was all it took.... but none of that matters now. We fell aseep together and when we woke up I got dressed and when home and fell asleep in my bed for about 2 hours. All I keep asking myself is will I ever be able to have sex again. I mean if I can't do it with Lisa how can it ever happen. I guess I can always see a doctor and get a prescription but things are so spontainious and that kind of thing needs to be planned. So in the last 2 weeks we have slipped back into our old routines. Lisa was away on a business trip only 3 days later and returned after the weekend. We have never talked about what happened and it feels like neither one of us wants to try again. Maybe that is best. Part of me feels like I've finally gotten it out of my system. I just hate to give up.

Cha-cha-changes

A new blog entry. It has been months and months. Which means no one is really reading these but I write for me. The more things change the more they stay the same. The people in my life are all still around although some more and some less.
Carolyn has been reduced to an after thought. I never call her and she doesn't seem to mind. I still see her on occasion as she still keeps her boat in the same marina as me. She came by once to say hello and so did her college age daughter. I thought that was nice but I also figure what is the use.
I see Coleen but she seems to obly respond to me when her boyfriend and her are on the outs. I've decided to maintain some distance becuase she refuses to step up. Like yesterday she texted me about how she wanted to get some lunch, I was home but I'd just had a sandwich. Later she wanted me to come out but by then I was at the movies with Lisa.
Okay, speaking of Lisa. We had an "almost" moment a little more than 2 weeks ago. I had convinced her we needed to kiss and after a little encouragement from me we were making out on the couch. And then we went into the bedroom. But it stopped before we could even get any clothes off. I liked it but I could tell she was hesitating. When I stopped and took a breath she pulled away. It just ended there although it was not as if we were done. She said she just couldn't then. So I let her go home. The entire next day and into the rest of the week she was cold and distant. So I finally called it off. My choice.
Where does that leave me. I don't know.

What is in this for me?

This is my first chance to put anything into this bloggy thing in quite a while. As you can guess I've been keeping busy. Since Lisa has no one any more she now checks with me everyday and we have been spending more and more time together. No romance. The seems more unlikely as ever. It's just not something that we can do. But I still want to see her as often as I can. It seems to satisfy me. I guess I'm older now and I don't feel as frustrated as I might have been even just five years ago. I'm a little sad about that but at least I can truly feel happy with where I'm at.
Lisa had her birthday last week and I did what I could to see that she had a nice day. It wasn't enough as she is still pining over her lost love Mark. I gave her a present and took out for a special dinner. I wanted to get my hopes up but it seemed selfish so I moved forward in life.
The next thing it was Valentines Day and out of nowhere I was contacted by Janet, who wanted to go out if I had no plans. So we did. I took her to dinner and they had a special menu for the occasion. Basically it was special for them as it was about twice as much money as you would pay any other day. We went dutch.
Then I got a phone call from Carolyn. Why can't these women just leave me alone if they have no real interest. I saw her Sunday and she was in the midst of a crisis. It was a cold night and the water was off in her house because some raccoons moved into her attic and made a hole that let cthe cold air freeze her water pipes. I went there but really I'm no plumber. I called an emergency plumber who as far as I know still hasn't fixed it. That's because I left. I'm sure she wasn't happy about that.
And then I get these text messages from Coleen, who wants me to go have dinner. Where is her boyfriend? Really, it is validating that I can take out any of these women but what do I get?